Authors: Cristiane Serruya
Jesus. Mary. And Joseph. Tell me once and for all.
“Okay, Sophia. It’s eight o’clock and I’m done with your silence. What is it?” He searched her eyes in the mirror, but she turned in his arms.
It took a great effort to stare into his eyes and whisper, “I’m afraid.”
Afraid?
“Of taking out the IUD? Does it hurt that—”
“No, Alistair Connor. I’m not worried about any pain. Besides, it can’t hurt much more to take it out than to put it in.” She bit her lower lip and chewed it, before exhaling hard. “I’m just surprised at the speed—”
I’m petrified. Scared to death.
“And I had never really considered conceiving with sperm from someone I don’t know.”
If it’s not yours, I don’t know if I want a baby.
Hmm. I see.
“And what do you suggest we do?”
“Adoption.”
Nothing.
“Well...”
I want to feel our baby growing. I want it to be as beautiful as you.
“Why not, Sophia? You told me yourself it was a viable way to… make up for what I can’t anymore; that we could consider it when we wanted babies.”
“I know. But that doesn’t mean I—”
can’t change my mind.
“Besides, why do we have to start trying this year?”
“Why not? I’ll be thirty-six in February. I’ll probably be thirty-seven by the time the baby’s born.”
An old man!! Oh, please!
“But—” she interrupted herself. “Can we postpone John’s appointment a bit?”
I want to think about this for a while. And I have to consider the legal and psychological aspects of it.
“I need more time.”
His disappointment shimmered in his eyes for a brief moment but it was overcome by his love for her. “Of course,
mo chridhe
. I don’t want you to feel pressured about anything. Especially about this. It was just that when I saw the glow of happiness on your face when I told you about having a baby and when I heard Gabriela’s wish this morning, all I wanted was to see your faces light up in joy, and a baby in your arms. Why don’t we grab something in the kitchen and talk about it?”
“I’m not hungry. There’s a ham and cheese pie in the refrigerator and I’ve made Gabriela’s chocolate cake. Why don’t you grab a plate and come back while I get dressed?”
Sophia was sitting in the TV room, chewing her lip. She was contemplating the screen of her MacBook Pro as if it were not there.
He had time to think while he was downstairs arranging a small picnic for them. Alistair put a huge tray on the center ottoman and sat beside her. He put her notebook on the side table and pulled her into his arms, taking her lip from between her teeth. “Hey, Wife. You know what that does to me.” But she didn’t smile. “I brought you a piece of pie, and wine too.”
“Thanks, Husband.” She smiled weakly at him.
Okay, mo gràdh. Here we go.
“Listen, Sophia. In our culture, manhood is measured by one’s virility and that is inherently connected with the ability to produce babies. You and I, we know I don’t have any problems with virility. I didn’t want this out because I don’t want my history with Heather brought up again.”
I want your baby. A chubby, dark-haired, green-eyed baby to cuddle and raise.
She felt like crying but she held the sadness inside and nodded, “I understand.”
“Plus, we don’t need to do it here. There are clinics in the US, specialized in fertilization. We could take Gabriela to Disney and ask Carol to help us for a few days while we go to the Mayo Clinic, do the insemination.”
“I thought about that. I spent days and days researching when you first told me about your sterility. And I… I was not working this afternoon. I was researching the clinics again.”
My love, you don’t have to carry the burden on your shoulders. This is my fault.
He sighed. “I saw you crying, Sophia. I thought I should give you some room. I’m sorry. I should have guessed. The many emotions that must be filling you are hard to deal with. But believe me when I say I understand the worst of them very well.”
How can you know? You’re not a mother.
“And what is that?”
“Loss.”
She gaped at him for a moment before she wound her arms around his neck and burrowed her head in the hollow of his shoulder.
“Aye, it fucking hurts.” Alistair could feel her hot tears wetting his skin. His hand smoothed her hair soothingly. “I feel it too. Grieving takes time, and if you have to work it out, do. However... half of the baby would be forever linked to you, as is Gabriela. And I will not love it less.”
That only made her hug him tighter.
“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay.” He remembered his father’s words when he told him he was going to propose: ‘
What you want is immaterial, Alistair Connor. You shouldn’t rush her into making a life changing decision so quickly.’
His warm hand moved from her hip to her stomach. “I’d like to be a father, from the very beginning. But this will be your choice. Only yours. Take your time to think about it and sort out your feelings. I’ll back you up, whatever you choose.”
How I love you.
She was moved by his not imposing his will on her, but, at the same time, she felt compelled to discuss all the points that were also nagging her. She was not used to feeling so unsettled and insecure of her desires. She shifted to better judge his reactions. “We’ll have to tell our child from an early age and also the family from the very beginning. How can we keep such a secret? Can you imagine the shock if he or she received that kind of news as a teenager or an adult? Immense, and I dare say, not so easy to overcome. Secrecy is not good. Especially were children are concerned. Our baby has the right to know about— About everything, including its genetic origins.”
Aye, you’re right.
“We can tell our families from the beginning. No matter what, she, or he, will be very much loved.” His sigh was full of regret. “I’m done with family secrets that undermine trust and lead to conflict. Heather was my one and last experience.” He paused for a moment, considering all the events that had rushed him into promising a sibling to Gabriela so inconsequently.
She wiped her tears with the back of her hands. “Thank you,
meu amor
.”
“You don’t have to thank me. Your happiness, Gabriela’s and yours, are the only things that matter in my life.” His thumbs wiped away the remaining wetness and he kissed her forehead. “I insist on leaving all options open. This will always be your choice. Insemination or adoption. Or, sweetheart, no baby at all.”
He understands.
And then Sophia realized that it was much more than understanding. What Alistair had done was an act of pure, unselfish love. He had stripped himself bare of his desires, and putting his happiness aside, he had respected her feelings. “Alistair Connor, you’re an amazing man. I love you, you know?”
“I do,” he nodded, content that she had relaxed and was confident in herself again. “I love you too. Now, let’s eat. I’m starving.”
Kensington. Dr. Guilhermina Kent’s Office.
Tuesday, November 30
th
, 2010.
9.28 a.m.
“You know about all the legal details? I can bet you’ve been researching thoroughly since he told you about the sterility, haven’t you?”
“Yes and yes. And I know I’ll have to tell the baby about it. But what is the best way? When?”
“Sophia, in my experience, there are no rules, but it is better to start early, even before your child can talk.”
“Really? That early? Keep babbling to a baby that it was conceived by insemination?” Sophia was edgy.
“It may seem quite weird, but it allows you to become familiar with talking to your child, Gabriela, and Alistair about how the baby was conceived so when questions start to pop up, it is already part of your life and you’ll deal with them better. Donors are encouraged to provide detailed information including a short description of themselves. You may find this helpful once your child starts to ask detailed questions.” Dr. Kent relaxed in her armchair and put her feet on the ottoman, observing Sophia. “Some, Sophia, even leave a message of goodwill, which I find extremely helpful and endearing. We can work on this more and more until you are certain of it. Let me ask you a very important question: How does Alistair feel about it?”
“He says he’ll never be ashamed of how our baby is conceived. That he doesn’t feel threatened by me having a child that would be only half ours. I’m certain I want a baby created by Alistair and me. I don’t think insemination would be such a bad choice, since he wants it so much. What even I don’t understand is this fear.” She was really perplexed at her indecision. On the night of the ball, she had thought she would jump head first into it as soon as Alistair talked about the issue again.
“This is not so difficult to explain. First, of course, it would be great to have a baby made in a night of love; just the two of you, instead of doing it in a sterilized clinic, even though Alistair could be by your side. Second, you don’t like clinics.”
Sophia flicked her hand in the air. “I guess I have overcome this problem. I’ve been in so many clinics lately and been so well treated that I can’t complain anymore.”
“Okay, if you say so.” Dr. Kent smiled at her gently.
What is your problem today, Mina?
“Yeah. I do believe it,” she emphasized.
“Peace.” Dr. Kent raised her hands for a moment. Sophia would have found it funny if it weren’t so serious. “I could go on and on listing many things you’re scared of, but the most important of all, Sophia, is that yours hasn’t been an easy path. To say the least. Will you pardon yourself for not being that enthusiastic about losing control?”
Sophia’s face expressed her confusion. “Can you be clearer, please?”
“You’re a very intelligent woman, my dear,” Dr. Kent scoffed at her. “You know better than that. I know we’ll come back to this before you decide what you want and you should talk with Alistair again and again. Throughout your life, you’ve had to deal with a lot of pain due to the tragedies that most people don’t have to deal with. You survived them all and achieved many things, things that others may take for granted. I know that money doesn’t make up for your losses. Nothing can, except love. Through it all, you’ve held onto a belief that you shouldn’t just live life, but should live it with morals and ethics. You think that you have to be perfect. You don’t. You think you need to control everything. You can’t. Sometimes, you even put other people’s needs and desires before yours. This is beautiful and makes you special.”
I’m not following you.
Sophia shrugged. “Thanks.”
Dr. Kent put her feet on the floor and adjusted herself on the seat as she mused how to soften what she was going to say. “Listen, Sophia. All of the facts we went over today are shadows to blind you to your biggest fear, my dear. Life; life can only be enjoyed if one doesn’t plan it exhaustively. Life is the uncertainty of the future; the future is something you can’t control. No matter how much you plan, to live you have to accept the beautiful uncertainty of life.”
The Harlequin Suite.
Saturday, December 3
rd
, 2010.
8.03 a.m.
Barbara woke up and rolled over, feeling for Ethan. The sheets were warm and his head was marked on the pillow. She rolled to his side of the bed, burrowing her nose in his pillow to breathe in his male scent. Hugging his pillow to her chest, she passed her hand over her body. It reminded her that they hadn’t had sex for quite some time.
All she wanted to do was to invade Ethan’s shower and make him call out her name in passion.
She looked around the room, wondering if what she was doing would really keep him by her side. In fact, Barbara had started to doubt her actions.
She got out of the bed, planning her day carefully.
Notting Hill, The Ledbury.
8.31 p.m.
Barbara was finding it nearly impossible to concentrate on the menu. The idea of dining out was actually the most exciting thing Ethan had agreed to. He had been in an excellent mood during the day, for a change.
Being outside her confinement, her golden cage, was exhilarating. She looked around the restaurant and relaxed in the chair. She had dressed with care, wearing a sexy, black dress under her new coat and had chosen coral and gold drop earrings with a heavy gold chain from which a coral pendant called attention to her breasts.
The heated looks Ethan had been sending her since she had left the dressing room made her tingle. She craved his touch.
They had exchanged sensuous touches in the Ferrari, and when his hand went under her dress, she almost asked for him to stop the car and take her then and there but the Ferrari was too small.
Now she was squeamish on the chair and enjoying every moment of it.
She thought something had changed within him that night they had talked about how he treated her. He had become more responsive to her, but a few days later, he had reverted to that aloof man she had met on the first day. The only thing that didn’t change back was that he still called her by her own name.
She sighed in contentment and looked in the mirror on the restaurant wall to retouch her lipstick. And her hand stopped mid-air.
She could not pretend she was not staring, because her eyes were glued to Sophia who had just walked in. She had never seen her so close.
Sophia was wearing a one-shoulder long sleeve blouse made of heavy black lace, a yellow short pleated leather skirt and black high-heels. She had rimmed her eyes with kohl and her lips had just a touch of gloss.
Barbara was astonished at how Ethan could think they were alike. She was the complete opposite of delicate and natural Sophia. She wished she had stayed home. She felt self-conscious; big breasted, too tall, older and awkward.
The waiter pulled the table and Sophia sat beside Alice on the sofa, thanking him with a bright smile, and the young man blushed.