Authors: Kathryn Lance
“But everything he has done since has been based on the philosophy of the Garden,” she said.
“Yes,” said Zach. “That’s why I joined him after I too left the Garden. That’s why I’ve fought for him all these years, done what he asked me without question, and . . . forgiven his dark side.”
“But you have never forgiven it,” said Evvy.
“What?” Zach looked up.
“You have not forgiven him, Zach. If you had, you wouldn’t have taken me to the Garden five years ago, no matter how much you cared about me. Will was right about that. And you wouldn’t be preparing now to turn away from everything you both believe in, unless you are still holding on to your anger at him.”
Zach thought a moment, then sighed. “I don’t know,” he said. “You may be right. But it doesn’t have any bearing on what is between us now. Evvy, you must know how important loyalty is to him. I betrayed that loyalty. It is time I kept a promise to him.” He looked at the bundles he had packed, lying in a heap beside the door. Evvy continued to stand at the window, her eyes dark pools in the flickering light. “What will you do?” he asked.
“I’m not returning to the Garden,” she said. “I’ve sent for my things.”
“You can’t go with me. You know that.”
“I never thought to go with you,” she said. She sounded angry. She raised her head and he could see tears shining in her eyes. “No matter how much I might want to, even if you wanted me, I couldn’t go, because it’s more important to stay here and fight. And you must stay too. How long will it be till the Traders decide to make Will a target? Zach, stay and help us fight them. You know how they think. You can recognize their leaders.”
He didn’t answer. He knew that she was right, as she had been the day before.
“I’ve come to understand something,” she said then. “Something that you understand too, but have forgotten, or that your pride won’t let you see. Zach, what happens to the Principal is much more important than what happens to any of us. His life is more important than pride, or love, or promises. If he should die or something should happen to him, who among his generals is strong enough to lead? And even if one of them takes over, how committed will he be to the testing project? Only those who grew up in the Garden truly understand it.” Her face twisted in the effort not to cry, and Zach wanted to go to her and hold her, as he had when she was a child. But he had no comfort for her.
“Even if I felt it was right to stay, the Principal wouldn’t permit it,” he said at last.
“Don’t you want to stay?”
For several breaths Zach could not answer. Then he muttered, “What I want doesn’t matter.”
She nodded. “You and Will. I thought I knew you so well, yet I never expected such . . . stupidity from both of you. But I’m not going to let you do this – either of you. I’m going to talk to him. I think I know how to make him listen to me.”
Zach felt his heart turn over. “He’s angry now, Evvy. When he’s in this sort of mood, he’s unpredictable.”
“I’m not afraid of him,” she said. After a moment she added, “I only wish you felt differently.” She took a handkerchief and wiped her eyes, then looked at him, her face achingly lovely. “Zach,” she whispered. She took a step toward the door, hesitated a moment, then approached him and took his hands. “Since we parted five years ago, there has not been a day that I haven’t thought of you and missed you,” she said. “You opened up the world for me, you gave me a new life. No matter what happens, I want you to know that I am grateful . . . and that I love you.”
He continued to look down at her a moment, trying to find the words to answer, then he simply pulled her toward him. As he held her, all the complex feelings that had begun five years ago returned. He pressed his face to the top of her head and wished that he could stand here forever, holding her tightly, smelling her fragrant hair. Then he kissed her, on her forehead and cheek, and let her go. “Good-bye, Evvy,” he said.
She seemed about to speak again, then she abruptly turned and slipped out into the corridor. Zach stood thinking a moment. He did not know what she planned, but he was certain that whatever she said, Will would not change his mind. He checked once again the things he had packed. When all was ready, he walked to the window and looked out at the town beginning to come to sleepy life. The ache of sadness and regret that had been with him since yesterday was a weight as heavy as the door which had sealed his Trader prison. He shut his eyes and remembered Evvy, soft within his arms. Then he remembered Will, talking, gesturing, scowling, laughing. No matter what he might face in exile, he was certain it would not be as painful as the knowledge that he would never see either of them again.
T
HE
P
RINCIPAL SAT BEHIND HIS
desk staring at the discolored rectangular spot on the wall where Zach’s portrait had hung until early this evening, when he had pulled it down and thrown it into the fireplace. One of his hands rested on the flank of his pet fox-cat. The other was buried in his hair, pressing against the throbbing pain in his head.
He knew that he should go to his quarters and prepare for bed, but he also knew he couldn’t sleep. The things that Zach had told him chased one another in his mind. He was certain that Zach had not exaggerated the fanaticism and degree of organization of the Traders, and if he were right . . . . For the first time the Principal was beginning to feel a hint of unease that perhaps he would not prevail over the Traders after all. It was true that the testing project was succeeding on a small scale, but the world was a big place, and his Capital and District only a small part of it. If he could not instill his own beliefs into this well-organized empire, what hope had the rest of the world?
He remembered again the band of Traders he had encountered that afternoon: ordinary people, like any of his own subjects, who found wild deenas and the personification of the devil easier to accept than teachings about birth control and hygiene.
He was aware that there were other enclaves like the Garden hidden elsewhere in this vast continent, and perhaps around the world. But were there other leaders like him, who had grown up knowing the truth? Had other scientists found the secret of transmission of the woman sickness? Once he had hoped that as the District grew and prospered he would be able to establish communication with other such communities; someday perhaps even to build great ships and renew links with the rest of the world. Now he hoped only to hold what he had and find some way of countering the Traders and their poisonous doctrines. He felt a sudden, intense desire to call Zach in and discuss these matters with him, then in the next instant his anger arose again, nearly choking him. On the desk the baby fox-cat shifted and turned over, emitting a sleepy growl.
Perhaps he should reconsider his decision. He knew well his own tendency to act from the anger of the moment, without giving sufficient thought to the best plan. Zach’s counsel had always calmed and stabilized him, giving him time to reflect. Yet it was Zach’s admission of betrayal that had brought him to this anger, more intense than any he had ever known. Still, nearly everything that Evvy had said had contained at least a germ of truth: he did not truly want to continue to rule without Zach beside him; and Zach would certainly never again betray him. He had made that clear by returning from the Trader prison, thinking that his return meant certain death. He had confirmed it by accepting the sentence of exile.
Of course, Evvy had been wrong about the most important thing, that the three of them should marry, for it was clear that Evvy and Zach loved each other. A normal triad marriage under the circumstances was out of the question: he knew his own jealousy too well. But why could he not give in to the inevitable and simply give them his blessing? That way, they would both be near and the three of them could work together on the problem which, he was beginning to realize, was beyond his powers to solve alone.
The question of succession would even be solved. Should he die, there could be no better leader than Zach, who was well known and well liked, both among the population and among the Principal’s men. Likewise, any offspring of Zach’s and Evvy’s would be the natural inheritor of all that he had built.
The only thing wrong with this plan was that the Principal knew he could not tolerate it, no matter how right it might be. Even the thought of Evvy going away with Zach made his stomach turn over; if she stayed it would be worse, because he would know that she was nearby, and that he could not have her.
His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp knock at the door. His immediate reaction was alarm. It was well past midnight and Robin knew better than to disturb him tonight, when he had left instructions not to be called but for the most serious emergency. He rose, taking his sword from its sheath. “Come in,” he said.
The door pushed open and a slight figure stood framed in the doorway. He blinked, not believing his eyes. It was Evvy.
His mind would not work. What was she doing here? First Zach, and now her. He had given strictest orders that he would not see either of them again, under any circumstances. How had she slipped past the guards?
“Will, you must listen to me,” she said, her plum-colored eyes wide, her face at once vulnerable and determined.
“Go away,” he said. “Nothing you say will change my mind.” He turned his back, aware that the gesture was childish. He heard the door shut and turned back. She had come into the room like a ghost. She was dressed in a pale, cream-colored blouse and skirt, in the southern fashion, and her long hair hung loose about her shoulders. Her hands trembled slightly, and he could see her chest move beneath the soft folds of her clothing as she breathed.
She looked directly at him for a moment, then sank into the armchair where she had sat yesterday, and smoothed her skirt in front of her. “I have been talking to Zach,” she said. “He is as stubborn as you. Both of you know that the most important thing is to continue the work we are doing, and to defeat the Traders. And both of you are putting your quarrel first.”
“It’s more than a quarrel,” said Will. He felt awkward, at a disadvantage. Clearly Evvy was going to have her say, unless he had her physically removed from the room. He replaced his sword in its sheath and sighed, then sat behind the desk. “I know what you feel for Zach,” he said. “Don’t ask me to keep him here. Go with him if you like!”
“You sound like an angry child, trying to hurt others by hurting yourself. Where is Will the Principal? The great leader whose mission is to restore civilization? If that were your true concern, you would not be sending Zach away, no matter what he had done.”
He felt very tired, and a little ashamed. “What you’re asking is impossible,” he said. “Evvy, go. Go with Zach.”
She was silent, then she took a deep breath and spoke. “He doesn’t want me.”
“He doesn’t feel it’s right to take you,” he said irritably.
“He doesn’t want me,” she repeated, with some intensity. “He has never wanted me, not five years ago, not now. He cares about me – yes, he loves me – but as a daughter. That’s all I have ever been to him or ever will be. He has never loved any woman but his wife who died all those years ago.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“No, but it’s true. I suppose I have known it deep down all along. The Mistress told me as much when I first came to the Garden, but I chose not to listen to her.” Evvy stretched out her hands to the baby fox-cat, which had awakened and was sitting on the edge of the desk, licking its wounded paw. She took the animal and placed it in her lap, where it curled into a ball. She started to speak again, then stopped. “May I have a cup of brew?” she asked abruptly.
“Of course,” he said, surprised. The things that Evvy was saying, and her manner, were bewildering. Never had she seemed so familiar with him, so sure of herself. It was as if she had been used to counseling him for years, like Zach. He poured a cup for her, and one for himself. She sipped hers, grimacing at the bitterness, and he remembered again the young girl he had talked to across a campfire all those years ago. His desire for her began to rise and he looked away.
Evvy set the cup down and sighed. “When Zach took me from my family, I was a child. He was the first man I had ever known besides my fathers. He was kind to me in ways that my fathers were never able to be. My feelings for him grew on the trip. I think he sensed them and tried to discourage me. But I was young, and alone in the world except for him, and he became everything to me. I think that in time I would have realized that my feelings were just a child’s obsession. But then he disappeared, and everything else happened.”
“I saw how you looked at him when you recognized him yesterday.”
“When I walked into your office and saw him there, I thought my heart had stopped. It was like seeing a dream, or a ghost come to life. But it was only that, a dream, don’t you understand?”
“Are you denying that you still love him?”
“Of course not. I’ll always love him. He was my first love. But Will, my feelings for him were based on a child’s fantasy. They aren’t the love of a women for a man. They aren’t like the feelings I have for you.”
Will shut his eyes tightly and took a deep breath. He could feel his anger returning. “If all this is true,” he said, his eyes still closed, “then why did you turn down my proposal? Why have you never, in all these years, told me the truth?”
“At first it was because I was afraid of you. But then . . . I kept quiet because I wanted to protect Zach. I saw how you are, how unforgiving. I saw what you did to the guard at your camp, and to Daniel. I didn’t want that to happen to Zach, or to his memory.” She paused, took another sip of brew, then continued. “I turned down your proposal for the same reason. To protect Zach. I’ve wanted to be near you, close to you, so many times, but I’ve always been afraid that I would give away the truth.”
He looked at her face for a hint that she was lying, but her eyes were as open and clear as ever. “You’re not going with him, then.”