Pants on Fire (14 page)

“Right,” Tommy said with a laugh. “You just cheat on your own.”

“I can’t help it,” I protested. Although I knew if Seth had ever once kissed me the way Tommy just had, I’d never have looked twice at Eric. Or Tommy.

And then I admitted a terrible thing…something I’d never admitted to anyone before. Anyone but myself: “I just…I guess I just don’t like him enough not to.”

“I don’t think it has anything to do with how much you like or dislike Seth,” Tommy said, absently letting one of the curls of my hair wrap around a finger as he played with it. “I think it has to do with the fact that you wanted him for so long, and then you got him, and you realized he wasn’t so great after all. But you couldn’t break up with him, because you’re Katie Ellison, smartest girl in the class. Breaking up with Seth means you’d be admitting you made a mistake. And brainiac Katie Ellison doesn’t make mistakes.”

“Th-that—” I stammered. “That’s ridiculous!”

“Is it? Maybe. Or maybe it’s just that you’ve never been able to stand disappointing people, and if you broke up with Seth, that would disappoint a lot of people…especially Seth. So you’re doing everything you can to get him to break up with you. Only it’s not working.”

“Ha!” I cried. “That’s funny! No, really, that’s rich. You think I
want
Seth to find out about me and Eric?”

“Exactly,” Tommy said. “Only he’s not bright enough. Really, Katie, the whole thing boils down to how much you dislike yourself.”

I jerked my head away, so the curl fell away from his finger and bobbed back against my face.

“What do you mean?” I demanded. “I like myself. I totally like myself.
Too much
, maybe,” I added after a second, thinking about Quahog Princess, and how sure Sidney and I were that we were going to win.

“I don’t think so,” Tommy said, shaking his head. “I’ve seen your photos, remember?”

I glared at him in the light from the street lamp. “What about my photos?”

“You’re a great photographer,” Tommy admitted. “But like Mr. Bird said, you’re better at taking pictures of other people than you are of anything else. I think it’s because you understand people…and you don’t judge them. It’s
yourself
you don’t seem to understand…or be totally honest with.”

“What are you talking about?” I shook my head. “I may lie a lot…that’s true. But to other people. Not myself.”

“Oh, yeah?” He looked amused about something. “
Pelicans
, Katie?”

“So what?” I shrugged. “So what if I like to take pictures of pelicans? What does that prove?”

“That you’re just trying to give people what you think they want. It’s not what
you
want.”

Why did I get the feeling he wasn’t actually talking about pelicans? The thing was, I didn’t know what the heck he
was
talking about. Worse, I didn’t even really care. Because all I wanted to do was kiss him some more.

“People like pelicans,” I stammered. Because it was the only thing I could think of to say.

“Yeah,” Tommy said. “People do. Just like people like quahogs. But
you
don’t. People love Seth Turner. But you don’t. I think the problem with you, Katie, is that you’ve been so busy for these past few years, giving people what you think they want, you haven’t stopped to think about what
you
want.”

I looked at his lips. I had no idea what he was talking about. I
totally
knew what I wanted. At least, right then.

“Or maybe you have,” Tommy said with a smile, apparently noting the direction of my gaze. “And it scares you.”

“I’m not scared,” I assured him. And for once, I wasn’t lying.

And then, much to my satisfaction, he was kissing me again. I’m not at all sure how long we’d have stayed in that parking lot, kissing—or maybe even more than kissing,
considering the way things were rapidly seeming to develop—if I hadn’t noticed, on the backs of my closed eyelids, a light that was much brighter than the streetlight we were under.

And then when I opened my eyes, I noticed the car that just pulled into the Gull ’n Gulp’s parking lot.

The car with a very surprised-looking Sidney van der Hoff behind the wheel.

My parents were still awake when I got home. Apparently, they’d waited up especially for me.

“Hi, honey,” Mom said, lowering the copy of
Realtor Magazine
she was reading in bed, while my dad flipped around the various ESPN channels, looking for the scores to the golf game. “How was your day?”

“Um.” I wasn’t exactly sure how to answer that question. Also, I was still in a sort of daze from Tommy Sullivan’s kisses. And what had happened right after he’d kissed me. “Fine.”

Well, what else was I going to say?
Not so good, Mom. I broke up with the guy I’ve been seeing secretly behind my boyfriend’s back and started making out with another guy—one the whole town hates and who I think is trying to ruin my life.

Only my best friend caught me, so now he doesn’t have to bother.

“Sidney called,” my dad said, not taking his gaze from the television screen. “Twice.”

“Oh,” I said. “Thanks.”

“Why is she calling on the house phone?” Dad wanted to know. “Did you forget to charge your cell phone again?”

“Um,” I said. “Yeah.” No point in telling him the truth—that I’d been sending all of Sidney’s calls straight to voice mail ever since she’d started phoning, approximately three seconds after she’d bugged out in the parking lot, after seeing Tommy Sullivan and me making out on top of his car.

Seriously, she hadn’t even said a word. She’d just thrown her Cabriolet into reverse, then peeled out at top speed.

Then immediately started calling me.

But if Sidney thought I was actually going to pick up, she had another thing coming, that was for sure. Not because I’d gone back to making out with Tommy, but because I’d immediately realized the folly of what I’d been doing and had pushed him away, leaped from the hood of his car, and raced for my bike.

“Katie,” he’d said, coming after me.

“Go away!” I’d yelled, fumbling with my bike lock. It’s hard to work a combination when your fingers are shaking as hard as mine were.

“Katie.” Tommy leaned against the emergency generator, looking down at me. “Come on. We’ve got to talk.”

“No way,” I’d said. I was furious to note my voice was shaking, too. What was wrong with me? I mean, I know I like kissing boys and all. But
Tommy Sullivan
? “Do you have any idea who that was? Any idea at all?”

“It was Sidney van der Hoff,” Tommy said. “I know, I saw her yesterday on the beach with you over at The Point, remember?”

“Right.” I’d finally gotten the chain off. “And in about five seconds flat, the entire town is going to know that I was making out with you in the parking lot at the Gull ’n Gulp.”

“Well, maybe it’s all for the best,” Tommy had had the nerve to say. “I mean, it’s not as if you and Seth were about to win any couple-of-the-year awards, anyway.”

“But I didn’t want him to find out
this
way!” I’d raged.

“Maybe Sidney will keep it to herself,” Tommy had said.

“Oh, right! What are you
talking
about? She’s Sidney van der Hoff!”

“Yeah, but isn’t she your best friend?” Tommy had looked insufferably calm about the whole thing. “I thought best friends had each other’s back.”

“She’s
Sidney van der Hoff
!” I’d yelled again. Did he not
get
it? We were dead.

Correction:
I
was dead. Nobody was going to think anything about him kissing me. The fact that
I
’d been kissing
him
, though? Everyone was going to hate me. I wouldn’t have a single friend left in the whole town.

What a way to start my senior year.

“This is what you wanted all along, wasn’t it?” I’d snarled at him as I’d yanked my bike out of the rack. “
This
is why you came back. To get back at me, by ruining my life!”

“What?” He’d had the nerve to let out an incredulous laugh. “Are you serious?”

“Of course I’m serious! And now you’re just going to leave, aren’t you? You never intended to stick around, once you’d done your damage, did you? Don’t even try to deny it, Tommy.”

He’d just shaken his head. “Katie, what are you
talking
about?”

“You
know
what I’m talking about!” I’d jammed my bike helmet onto my head. “God, I can’t believe I was so stupid. I can’t believe I let you do that to me!”

“Do
what
to you?” Tommy had demanded, starting to look angry. “I don’t recall doing anything
to
you. You were kissing me back. And pretty enthusiastically, I might add.”

I’d been so furious, I hadn’t even been able to reply. I’d just started pedaling. I’d nearly skidded on the gravel going past him, but recovered myself at the last second and tore off, with Tommy yelling, “Katie! Wait!” after me.

I’d thought I’d lost him. I mean, I pedaled
hard.

But at the stop sign just before Post Road, I realized he was following me.
Following me
. Ostensibly to make sure I got home all right, the way he had the night before.

But who knows if that had even been his motivation? Maybe he’d just ridden along behind me to make sure what he’d done to me had really sunk in. Maybe he’d just wanted to make sure his humiliation of me was complete.

It had certainly seemed like it when I’d skidded into my driveway and he’d pulled up alongside the yard and actually gotten out of the Jeep, saying, in an impatient voice, “Katie. This is stupid. You’re overreacting. Katie, wait—”

But I’d just dropped the bike—instead of dragging it into the garage—and gone, “Leave me alone!” in a voice I hoped was dramatic enough to wake up Mrs. Hall from next door. Hopefully she’d call the police. Getting arrested was the least that Tommy deserved.

Then I’d run inside the house.

Where I’d found my parents calmly reading and watching television.

“How did Quahog Princess rehearsal go?” Mom asked brightly.

“Fine,” I said. Was Tommy still outside? Or had he driven away? What did he want from me, anyway? I mean,
really
?

And where had he learned to kiss like that?

“Honey,” Mom said curiously. “Are you all right?”

I tore my gaze from the television screen I’d been staring unseeingly at. “What? Yeah, I’m fine. I said I was fine.”

“You don’t look fine,” Mom said. “You’re flushed.
Doesn’t she look flushed, Steve?”

My dad looked at me. “She looks flushed.” Then he looked back at the TV, where Tiger Woods was accepting an award for something.

“I’m not flushed,” I said. “I’m fine. I’m just tired. I’m going to bed. I have a big day tomorrow.”

“Don’t we all,” Mom said, shaking her head. “You with the pageant, Liam with Quahog tryouts. And Daddy and I have three showings! It’s going to be quite a day!”

She had no idea. Especially when news got out about who I’d been macking with in the Gull ’n Gulp’s parking lot.

I just hoped Mom and Dad’s business wouldn’t suffer. I mean, the real estate bubble has pretty much burst, even in resort towns like Eastport. If word gets out that the only daughter of the owners of Ellison Properties was seen consorting with Tommy Sullivan, their listings will only drop off even more.

Sleep that night was impossible, of course. The one time I really needed it, too, in order to look good for the pageant. I just couldn’t nod off. I laid there all night, unable to stop thinking about what had happened. Not even so much the part where I’d seen Sidney’s face, looking so surprised behind her steering wheel, either. But the part where I’d made out with Tommy Sullivan.

And I’d liked it.

I’d really, really liked it.

How was such a thing even possible? I mean, Tommy was just the guy against whom I’d always competed in
school for top of the class…a guy who, because of that competition, eventually became (sort of) a friend. Not a friend I’d ever told my
real
friends (such as Sidney) about. But a friend just the same.

A friend I had horribly, terribly betrayed.

And okay, he’d grown into a total hottie.

But that didn’t excuse the fact that I’d basically thrown myself at him.

And yeah, I know there’d been two people in that parking lot. But let’s face it, I’d been the only one flirting.
You need to look out, Tommy. I don’t want them to hurt you, Tommy.
And stroking his arm hair? Oh my God, I make myself sick. What is
wrong
with me?

Except that it wasn’t entirely my fault. I mean, maybe it was my fault that we’d
started
kissing. But he’s the one who kept me wanting to kiss him. He hadn’t had to kiss me so…satisfactorily. I mean, to the point that I couldn’t
stop
kissing him. That was entirely his fault. No guy should kiss a girl like that. Not unless he knows what he’s getting himself into.

Which I’m betting the full amount I owe on my Leica that Tommy didn’t.

Unless he did. Unless the reason it had seemed as if he’d practiced that kiss was because he had. Not like on another girl or a pillow, or whatever, but in his mind. Because that’s what it had seemed like. That Tommy Sullivan had kissed me like that before, only in his imagination.

But that’s crazy. Tommy Sullivan hadn’t spent the
past four years since I’d last seen him thinking of me. I will admit I have a high opinion of myself, but it’s not
that
high.

No, Tommy Sullivan was just a really, really good kisser.

And it’s a good thing the only reason he’s interested in me is because he wants to get me back for what I did to him in the eighth grade. Because if he were seriously into me, I’d be in big trouble. I mean, he’s smart, he’s hot, he knows I hate quahogs and he doesn’t hold it against me, and he follows along behind me when I ride my bike at night to make sure I get home safe…could there be a more perfect guy?

Oh my God. I can’t believe I just thought that about
Tommy Sullivan.

And what was all that stuff he’d said about me being afraid to break up with Seth because I don’t like admitting I’d made a mistake? Could any theory be more ridiculous?

And not like myself? Not like myself? I LOVE myself! I’m running for Quahog Princess, aren’t I?

Obviously, with stuff like that batting around in my head, sleep was impossible. Well, virtually. I guess I must have dozed off at some point, because when I opened my eyes again, bright sunlight was streaming through my windows…

…and Sidney van der Hoff was standing at the side of my bed, leaning over me and going, “Katie. Katie. Wake up. Wake
up
.”

I sat bolt upright, got a head rush, and flopped back down with a groan.

“God,” Sidney said, plopping down onto the bed beside me. “What is the matter with you? You look like total warmed-over quahog casserole. Is that zit cream on your face or…oh, it’s just toothpaste. God. Bathe much?”

“Sidney.” I longed to smush a pillow over my face. But I couldn’t. Because doing so wouldn’t make her go away. Or change what was about to happen. “About last night. What you saw…”

“Yeah, really,” Sidney said. She was wearing her stick-straight hair back in a white headband. She had on a freshly pressed white collared shirt, and jeans with pink sequins sewn along the pockets. On her shoulder was a pink Marc Jacobs hobo bag, and on her feet, pink flip-flops. Since this, for Sidney, was remarkably casual, I wondered where she was going. Or was this just the outfit she picked out for dumping her best friend? “I called you, like, fifty million times. Didn’t you get any of my messages?”

“I turned my phone off,” I said crankily. “Who let you in here, anyway?”

“Liam,” Sidney said, looking down at her cuticles. “On his way to Quahog tryouts. I’ve never seen anyone so excited. So. Are you going to tell me what that was about last night, or do I have to pry it out of you?”

“Sidney,” I said. How was I going to lie my way out of this one? I really didn’t think there was a single way I
could work this where I didn’t come out looking like a girl who’d cheated on her boyfriend with his mortal enemy.

If you could call kissing cheating, which, technically, I’m starting to be pretty sure it is. Sort of.

But before I could say anything, Sidney went on, “I only cruised by the Gulp last night because Dave was at his grandma’s, and I figured you’d be hanging with Seth in his truck, and I wanted to see if you guys’d be into grabbing something from the DQ. I didn’t think I’d find you
in a liplock with some other guy
.”

I couldn’t help it. I grabbed a pillow and smushed it over my face. That was how great my shame was.

Although I’m not sure shame is the right word for it. Because Sidney’s use of the word
liplock
brought the memory flooding back of how Tommy’s lips had felt on mine. I could feel myself starting to blush. Not because I was embarrassed that she’d caught us, but because of how much I’d really, really liked it.

“I’m sorry,” I wailed into the pillow. “I don’t know what came over me! It was like I couldn’t help myself! He’s just so…cute! I mean, you’re the one who issued a hottie alert for him!”

To my surprise, Sidney didn’t even attempt to deny this. Which is astonishing, since she’s way concerned about her street cred, even if the only streets she ever ventures onto are the ones right here in Eastport…and Fifth Avenue in the city, of course, but only between 56th (Bendel’s) and 50th (Saks).

“Did I harsh on you?” Sidney wanted to know. “No. I fully understand. But what are you going to do about Seth? He’s gonna find out. I mean, this is a small town.”

I wasn’t sure I had heard her correctly, so I removed the pillow, just to be sure. “Wait,” I said. “Did you just say you
understand
?”

“Of course I do,” Sidney said with a sniff. “That boy is a fine, fine example of the modern American male. How could you possibly have resisted? I wouldn’t have been able to myself.”

My heart warmed. Suddenly, I felt fonder for Sidney than I ever had in all the many years of our friendship. It’s true she’s super judgmental, totally shallow, and a huge gossip.

But she can also be the coolest of buds. Like the time I entered that photo contest in
Parade Magazine
, and I didn’t win, and she took me to Serendipity in the city and split a frozen hot chocolate with me and didn’t once point out—as some people might have—that maybe the reason I didn’t win is because I don’t like or understand myself. Nor did she once mention how many calories we were consuming.