Parallel Stories: A Novel (188 page)

She swept the young man’s arms off her again, but she could neither know nor see how successfully.

Their desperation no longer had personal boundaries.

They grasped each other with both hands, to keep each other from being able to grab or put up a defense. Neither one could tell why or against what. Awkwardly they knocked against all sorts of sharp, blunt, and hard surfaces. While they clung to each other with incredible strength, pressing each other to the seat, their fingers keeping them from moving, a powerful sense of strength and grim hanging-on pervaded their skin, their bodies. One couldn’t tell which one was stronger. The mink coat slid off her shoulders and was caught between them, but finally it left her bare neck free, and in the light penetrating from the outside the radiant hills of her breasts in the black dress were revealed to him. With pure muscle power alone, they were getting nowhere. She yanked her head away from the kiss, even though Kristóf wanted nothing more than to avoid it, to avoid her lips, fragrant with the heavily applied lipstick.

Don’t you dare touch me, whispered the full, round, well-painted lips with their vertical grooves and the maddeningly white teeth in this mutual stupor of resistance. He wanted first to kiss her neck, despite the woman’s strong objection, though he didn’t know why. Suck it in, with its fragrance, then quickly if clumsily lick it clean, as if atoning for his aggressiveness; then senselessly, completely senselessly, nibble and bite all around this inviting, glistening part of her body; but he was also ready to stop at once since there was something extremely servile in him, childlike, beastly, something he did not feel or had no reason to feel for Klára, and it was impossible for him to do something that was not authentic and never would be. Then they bit at each other, painfully and awkwardly, as though they’d lost any inhibition about biting. And by now they were each in their proper place in the universe. Somehow they had to nibble their way across the other’s face, flitting to nose, chin, ears, eyebrows, and jaws, to pat and feel the elevations of the unknown celestial body. At the same time—almost unconsciously, a little ashamed and reluctant—they emitted all sorts of word remnants, incomprehensible to the other.

Until they found lips, which seemed never to have existed before, and then they were surprised to arrive so suddenly at the center of their mutual sensations.

It was too much.

Her lipstick was too flavorful for Kristóf.

The squeezing of their fingers did not let up.

On each other’s lips, having barely dipped into each other, they recoiled.

I’ll break in half, let me go, her whispering lips demanded.

Because of the steering wheel or gearshift or their own excitement, their bodies were wedged into impossible positions as they panted at each other. Now they didn’t know what to do with each other or with their reflexes, and therefore didn’t know what should come next; the obstacle may have been their own excitement. Yet their lips foolishly returned and opened into each other, alluringly and threateningly, which relieved the tension and the feeling that they were infinitely helpless and ridiculous.

But at least they shouldn’t let their tongues do as they pleased; they should retract them. They mustn’t lose their manners or concede their dignity; they must not easily surrender their independence. It would have been intolerable to get stuck to each other by tangled, stiffening tongues.

Their tightly gripped fingers could not let go, and that sealed their discomfort.

I lied to you.

Kristóf had to say this out loud, and he did, almost directly into her mouth, that he had lied.

What did you lie about; the temperature of the woman’s voice seemed to fall as she asked this.

I lied, but I don’t know how or why.

You’ll probably tell me.

I will, but frankly it really bothers me, it’s such a primitive lie, and that makes me such a lousy person. And now I have to tell you, please don’t be angry, I’m ashamed and I hate myself for it.

Come on, out with it, let’s have it, come on.

It’s not the School of Physical Education where I’m studying.

Klára said nothing, turned silent and stiffened.

What an ass you are, she said quietly a moment later, more calmly and contentedly than before.

I wanted to impress you.

I was wondering about that a little, because I heard from Terike that you were going to some teachers’ college.

I wanted to say something better than that, I admit it, to look stronger than I am, because I’m weak. I have no will of my own, believe me.

Laughable, she said, peacefully and contentedly, how laughable you are. All men are equally laughable, them and their wills.

I know, but I don’t even have a will.

And you’re laughable too, and how.

I know.

Why must every man be so laughable.

But women don’t lie less than men.

I don’t care about women, Klára answered, on the attack, thrusting her lips dangerously close to his. I am not a woman but myself, I am alone, just me, and don’t forget it.

Don’t threaten me, because I’m not afraid of him.

Look who’s getting on his high horse.

I can’t open myself more than this with you.

Your lies don’t surprise me, and I don’t care about them, you understand.

But it did move you a little, you must admit.

You can go ahead and lie again, don’t worry about it.

They hesitated about exchanging at least one little kiss before he replied. As if they were weighing what was more important, the kiss or the words.

I can promise you, if you want me to.

I’ll give you full autonomy in lying, if in nothing else.

They had a good laugh at this, which freed them briefly from the threatening urge to kiss, though their fingers did not loosen.

I’ll never go to bed with you, Klára continued, serious and calm because she’d decided to rely on words. Don’t get your hopes up about that.

I won’t.

You can still be a very good friend if you behave yourself, but in my book you’re a marked person, and that’s that.

I know. That’s why I told you about the lie.

Suddenly Klára felt a strong animosity to herself; it made her lips tremble. As she kept looking at this hapless young man. Once again she had managed to steer herself into an impossible situation. For her, men—except for Simon—meant nothing but impossible situations, concerning which her upbringing had provided no advice or suggestions.

Come on, what do you know, she asked impetuously.

I’m done with such things.

Come on, what kind of things are you done with.

I don’t want to go to bed with anyone anymore, I know that, and not with you either. I’m over that now. You definitely don’t have to be afraid of me.

You’re out of your mind, you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Even if I don’t, that won’t change the situation much.

They were quiet, and neither of them could have said how they’d wound up here.

Once again she had managed to pick up a weakling, a little liar who strutted not his manhood but his vulnerability. How could she find a worthy partner besides Simon, why does she demand such impossibilities of herself. These aren’t men. All right, so she’d made a vague attempt, but she should admit defeat, end the effort quickly and retreat in a nice, orderly manner.

At the same time it also occurred to her that Kristóf might be right, even though he really didn’t know what he was talking about. What idiocy it is to consider the urge for intercourse as obligatory. Still, her annoyance and disappointment remained strong, though in the interest of an orderly retreat she should free herself of both.

Maybe, she said very quietly, feeling impelled to defend herself, I am too reserved and too sentimental, and that’s not a lucky combination, I admit.

The other one remained silent. I spoil everything, she added obligingly.

After this distancing sentence everything cooled back down to a normal temperature. Kristóf tried to analyze what she’d said but in his haste found only its emotional sources, not its sense. She wanted to avoid him, but how far at this point could her avoidance go. Their feet were cold and they were both shivering in the unheated car. Their fingers could loosen now and separate. It took a long time before each hand regained its independent existence within its own contours. Klára, with her involuntarily unleashed anger, tried to pull the mink coat back but couldn’t—an effort at least as unsuccessful as her distancing remark had been. Then, with the same anger and just to succeed at something, she turned off the windshield wipers.

We’ll have a vodka there, across the street, come on, stop moping. We’re not going to mope over a little thing like this, are we.

Who’s moping, Kristóf replied mulishly, and frankly it’s not such a little thing, but I wouldn’t mind having a vodka.

They smiled politely at each other, content with their little verbal gratifications and with finding their way back to familiar conversational tones.

I frightened you, didn’t I. I’m a raving lunatic, said Klára in a voice whose tone did not enforce the meaning of the words. I frightened you from the first moment, but at least I’ve managed to spit things out in front of someone and lighten the burden of my soul.

Kristóf made no reply; perhaps Klára did not even expect one.

She took the key from the ignition, found her silver-clasped chamois handbag—a handy little number studded with big colored pearls which her grandmother, dressed in white, must have carried at famous balls or soirées in her youth; they slammed the car doors behind them and were on their way. The stormy air and the spray lashing their faces not only felt good but were redeeming judgment itself. There is the wind, the rain, the darkness, the city, the storm; yes, the sober outside world may have changed a little, but there is a world nevertheless, and its darkness can exist independent of the darkness of the two of them.

It now shows the unknown features of its old familiar face, a face much more exciting than their own. Out here, out of the car, they felt a little bored with each other and with that whole impossible coexistence they’d left behind in the car along with their souls and their inner nature.

A small neon sign shone dimly on the other side of the wet road, the multicolored name of the place and a childish stylization of the sun; they had to go down two steps to the Sunshine. From the doorway a surprising sight greeted them. The city was empty and they hadn’t seen anyone on the streets, only broken branches and roof tiles, pieces of plaster and ripped-off gutters strewn everywhere, but here, behind the purple broadcloth curtains and purple windbreakers, the tiny bar was jammed with people, smoke, noise, and music. A drummer and a pianist were pounding on their instruments, the latter also cooing into a microphone.

Seeing the two of them enter, he moaned, and inserted into his English text, my dear fellow humans,
may I have your attention please
, he sang,
dargije tovarishchi i druzyah
, he added, interrupting the melody, two pieces of fresh meat have arrived at the market. Kristóf and Klára laughed along with the other customers and, embarrassed, tried to figure out whether this rudeness really did refer to them.

Who else could it have referred to.

They were being looked at and, having no choice, they showed themselves to their spectators, jostling among the indifferent strange bodies until they found a little space for themselves.

Establishments from the prewar world had stayed on in Pest for a long time. The downtown brasseries were Francophile places—until their characteristic sofas and mirrors were thrown out—while the bars were Anglophile pubs; one of these latter was called Old Boys.

Back at the beginning of the century, Budapest’s
high society
*
had lived and played in this neighborhood; their tennis courts, riding trails, and clubs were just a stone’s throw away: the largest and most famous one, the Park Club, on Stefánia Boulevard, only a few steps away from the Old Boys. Anyone leaving a garden party at the Park Club after midnight under the influence could always press himself into this place. The Old Boys, with its black musicians, was considered very modern, sports-clubby, and fashionable. Since that time it had shed its name and changed its main purpose several times, though for nighttime functions it retained its sportive character. In the postwar-coalition days
*
it was still called the Old Boys, and became infamous in the black-market world until a nasty shooting incident caused it to be shut down for a few years. One could buy nylon stockings, chewing gum, jewelry, quite exceptional objets d’art, and Swiss watches there. Customers were shown the merchandise in the ladies’ toilet or under the table, and the staff obviously cooperated with the merchants.

As the Sunshine, it was one of the rare places in Budapest that managed to retain not only its interior furnishings but also its style and something of its erstwhile milieu. Its highly polished wainscoting had not been removed, even right after the siege, when the wood could have been used for heating; the long-legged easy chairs with their handsome little footrests and the long-legged small tables also remained. During the day it was annoyingly bright, and that along with the dubious public buying and selling made a most peculiar impression; but at night it was different, when the sconces with their wax-paper shades frugally emitted faint glows.

The sunken dance floor had room for only a few clinging couples, moving in the light of a pale-red spot hanging from the mirrored ceiling. Wrapped in smoke, the dancers swayed and hovered at the same level with the heads of guests seated at the bar and tables, and thus a feeling of improbability came over anyone coming down the stairs from the street-level entrance; the place looked crazy, with its warm lights and distorting mirrors. Kristóf and Klára found a place near the piano but not at a table, so they had to rest an elbow on the open instrument.

The piano was the only object in the entire place that received harsh white lighting.