“And, as fur youse, ya pair ae parasites…if Ah don’t see yer arses fleeing oot ae that door in three seconds flat, Ah’ll punch ye so fast that ye’ll think ye’re bloody-well surrounded,” she’d spat at them.
Helen remembered detecting a wee element ae defiance fur a split second as her eyes drilled intae the eyes ae Mrs Phony Voice.
“Come, dear. You too, children,” his noneness hid muttered, taking his missus gently by the erm, gieing her an excuse tae avert her eyes and tae focus oan Helen’s lino-covered flair.
The coward ae the county then scurried aff wae his family in tow, trying tae catch up wae Abbot and Costello.
“Aye, get tae hell and shut the door behind ye,” she’d shouted, bursting intae tears as they disappeared oot the door.
Jimmy hid been oan a long distance drive doon south, so Helen and the lassies that hid been doon at the closemooth demonstrating hid chipped in fur four bottles ae Barrs Soda Water oot ae Cherries roond the corner, wae Helen supplying the PLJ fur the wans who preffered a dash ae lime and that night they’d aw hid a right laugh and a wee sing-a-long tae celebrate the near miss. She’d never brought up the subject ae the money wae Charlie and hid telt Jimmy that her maw and da hid helped them oot again. It hidnae been an easy seventeen years fur them, Helen thought tae hersel, as she picked up wan ae her three tipped singles that she’d sent Johnboy roond tae Sherbet’s fur earlier. She’d her wee part-time cleaning job in the school and that helped. Jimmy hid always worked, bit he’d left school withoot a trade tae go intae. He’d hid some right shite jobs in his time bit this wan seemed tae be working oot aw right. It hid been aboot six months since he’d been gied a start, driving wagons fur Morrison’s Removals and although the money wisnae great, he seemed tae like it. It hid been a ‘hifty’ case when they’d goat married as she’d goat pregnant aboot four weeks efter they’d started gaun oot thegither. It hid nearly killed the auld wans. It wis jist as well she hidnae been showing at the registry office doon in Martha Street or they widnae hiv shown up. Her maw hid said, in way ae an apology, that Helen hid tae understaun how hurt her da felt, given that she wis their only child. Efter that, the weans hid started shooting oot like flying ducks, year oan year. The first tae arrive oan the scene hid been Charlie. Then it wis the lassies turn…Isabelle, Anne and Norma in quick succession. By the fourth wan, Helen hid hid enough. She’d spoken tae Pat Broon, The Green Lady, and they’d sorted oot a foolproof strategy. Jimmy hid telt everywan in The Grafton Bar that this consisted ae her jumping up an doon fur hauf an hour oan a pogo stick every time they hid a ride. By the time Johnboy arrived, sixteen months efter Norma, Helen wis definitely no coping. Charlie, though only seven, wis awready getting intae trouble and no only wae his granda. He wis getting slung oot ae school regularly fur fighting boys two sizes too big fur him. Helen wis never away fae the school board offices doon in George Street aboot his behaviour, right up until the time that JP Donnelly sent him tae approved school at age twelve, fur knocking oot Batty Smith, the heidmaster ae his primary school.
Helen remembered greeting when she saw the fifth wean wis another boy. “There’s no way he’s getting aff wae anything. He’s getting kept oan a short lease, this wan.”
“Ah’m sure he’ll be a wee darling, hen. Don’t ye worry aboot a thing. Charlie is a wan aff, so he is,” Jimmy hid said.
“Aye, well, we’ll see soon enough,” she’d said tae him at the time.
Up until recently, Johnboy seemed tae hiv turned oot okay. He certainly wisnae a patch oan his aulder brother, Charlie, considering whit Charlie hid goat up tae at Johnboy’s age, bit this carry oan wae Thompson and Crisscross disturbed her. Coming oan the back ae being expelled fae school fur refusing tae accept the belt fae Batty, she wondered if he wis being led astray by some aulder boys. He hidnae been hinging aboot wae his usual pals either. She’d been speaking tae Ina McLeod who’d said that she hidnae seen Johnboy roond at her hoose fur ages. When Ina hid asked her Ian aboot it, he’d said that Johnboy hid new pals noo. Helen thought aboot aw the wee things that hid been happening o’er the past month that she’d let pass at the time and decided that she’d need tae keep her wits aboot her and her ears pinned tae the ground o’er the next wee while. It wis aboot time that Johnboy goat a wee dose ae tough love tae help him buck up his ideas.
Chapter Twelve
“Listen tae this,” Granda said, reading The Glesga Echo oot loud. “‘Polis Constables Jinty Jobson and Christopher Cross hiv been awarded The Glesga Corporation Medal fur bravery,’ writes oor sleuth crime reporter, Pat Roller.”
“Crisscross and Jobby?”
“‘The brave constables intervened in an armed robbery oan a tobacconist’s oan St James Road at the beginning ae June. Efter a spectacular and well co-ordinated chase up McAslin Street, Toonheid, they confronted two ae the robbers in the back close ae The McAslin Bar where wan ae them pulled oot a metal bar and scudded PC Jobson oan the side ae the heid.’”
“Fur goodness sake. Ur they okay?”
“It says here, ‘PC Jobson suffered concussion and hid tae get five stitches in his heid and PC Cross suffered trauma.’”
“Ah’m no meaning that broon-arse Jobby or that skelly-eyed eejit, Crisscross. Ah’m meaning the robbers,” she said, looking at him as if he wis stupid.
“See, that’s the problem noo-adays. Everywan thinks ae the criminals and no the poor victims.”
“Ah am thinking ae the poor victims. Ah bet ye the poor robbers wur in a worse state than that pair ae nincompoops when they appeared up in court.”
“That’s ma point. Whit if it wis wan ae us or the grandweans that hid been caught up in something like this, eh? Wid we no be glad that Jobby and Crisscross put themsels oan the line tae sort it oot?”
“Ah’m no saying we don’t need the polis…bit, let’s be honest…Jobby and Crisscross? Ye’ve said yersel many times that they’re nothing bit bloody crooks.”
“See, ye’re falling intae the auld trap, aren’t ye?”
“Whit trap wid that be then?”
“Ye’re personalising it.”
“Ah’m no personalising it. The only thing Ah know aboot that pair is whit ye’ve telt me.”
“Whit ur ye oan aboot?”
“Ah’m oan aboot how they’ve helped themselves, many a time, tae fags and booze fae the shoaps that hiv been broken intae, when they’ve been called oot tae the scene ae the crime.”
“Aye, bit...”
“Don’t ‘aye, bit’ me. Ye telt me yersel that a lot ae the shoapkeepers that ye’ve delivered Irn Bru tae hiv said that they don’t mind getting broken intae by honest crooks...”
“Aye, bit...”
“...bit they get really pissed aff if the polis arrive at their shoap before them because they usually get cleaned oot.”
“Aye, Ah admit, Ah did say that. That wis the rumour that wis gaun aboot at the time,” he managed tae get in.
“It wisnae a rumour, ya squirming toad, ye. Don’t try and wangle yer way oot ae this wan. Ye telt me Holy Pants turned up at his grocer’s shoap tae find that big Sergeant-whitever-his-name-is...”
“Jim Stewart.”
“...wis staunin wae the back door ae the Black Maria open, while his sidekick, Sergeant-whitever-his-name-is..”
“Liam Thompson.”
“…wis staunin supervising Bill ‘n’ Ben emptying his shelves ae aw his good tins ae Auld Oak Ham.”
“Naw, naw, whit Ah said wis that that’s whit it looked like tae Holy,” he retorted, puffing oot his chest indignantly at even the slightest suggestion that he might’ve goat it wrang.
“Yer arse said that. Ye said that Jobby’s arse wis up a ladder, haunin doon the stuff tae Sergeant-whitever-his-name-is...”
“Thompson.”
“...while at the same time, the squinty wan wis haunin o’er aw his good duck eggs and fresh butter pats o’er the coonter tae Sergeant-whitever-his-name-wis.”
“Stewart.”
“Aye, Stewart, that’s the wan,” she said, enjoying hersel.
“Ye’ve missed the point ae whit Ah wis trying tae say, wummin,” he coontered, feigning exasperation, trying tae nip in wae a wee cheeky south paw seconds before receiving the blinding sucker-punch.
“And whit wis it that Big Sergeant Thompson said tae Holy when Holy popped his heid intae the back ae the Black Maria and clocked it hauf full ae aw his good stuff? ‘Aye Holy, we’re taking this away as evidence.’”
“Ye clearly don’t know the first thing aboot polis work. Of course they need tae take stuff away fur evidence,” he said, hinging aff the ropes in a daze.
“Aye, right, Sherlock. Anyway, never mind aw that. Whit else dis it say?” she asked wae mock encouragement.
“Ah’ll carry oan only if ye don’t interrupt wae aw that pish ye’re coming oot wae.”
“Hurry up…Ah’ve no goat aw night,” she said, smiling.
“It goes oan tae say that PC Chri...Crisscross ‘applied first aid tae PC Jobson at the scene efter he lost consciousness while at the same time haudin oan tae wan ae the struggling vicious thugs.’”
“Ah’m finding aw this hard tae believe. Don’t get me wrang, Ah could see some polis daeing aw this, bit Ah find it jist too much fur ma simple brain tae accept that they pair ae thickos could ever catch a bus, never mind a crook.”
“‘Sergeant Liam Thompson, alang wae Sergeant Jim Stewart, who also received the chief constable’s commendation fur arresting wan ae the robbers, said he wis proud tae serve o’er PC Chr...Crisscross and that local joint leadership under him and Sergeant Stewart meant that the good folk in the Toonheid kin sleep easy in their beds at night.’”
“Pish!”
“Look, there’s a photo.”
Granny nipped aroond the table and peered doon at the page and burst oot laughing.
“Aw, fur goodness sake, Ah think Ah’m gonnae hiv tae go and pee in the sink, it’s so funny. Ah’ll never make it oot tae the cludgie oan the landing in time,” she howled. “That’s a wanted poster if ever Ah saw wan. And they eyes ae Crisscross’s…ye wid’ve thought they wid’ve substituted him wae somewan else, jist fur the photo,” she said, as she burst intae hysterics again.
Granda looked doon at the photo. Included in it wur the chief constable, a chief inspector and JP Donnelly, staunin in fur The Provost. JP wis haundin o’er the medals while the two sergeants wur staunin wae their paper commendations held up oan either side ae the group, looking as sick as a pair ae parrots because aw they goat wis a piece a paper and no the metal jewellery. At first glance, it looked like a nice wee presentation photo, until yer eyes wur taken prisoner and transfixed oan the wan wae Crisscross accepting his medal.
“Aye, it’s true whit they say…photos don’t lie. Dae ye think he’s looking straight at the camera or at somebody who’s jist walked intae the room aff the street?” Granda asked drily.
“Stoap it, ye’re cracking me up,” Granny hooted, heiding intae another fit.
“Dae ye want tae hear the rest or is this too much excitement fur wan year?”
“Carry oan, Alistair Cook. This is bloody brilliant, so it is.”
“‘Wan ae the thugs his awready been sentenced tae twenty eight days detention fur aiding and abetting in the robbery, while the other wan is oan remand fur the mair serious charge ae assault wae a deadly weapon. Due tae their age, we cannae print their names bit, suffice tae say, the streets ae the Toonheid ur much safer the night as a result ae these brave, dedicated officers.’”
“Ah cannae wait tae speak tae Helen. That photo is bloody stoating, so it is.”
“‘Local cooncillor, JP Donnelly, said the war oan crime in the Toonheid will continue until decent folk kin go aboot their lawful business withoot fear ae being robbed and ripped aff.’ And that’s that,” he said, putting doon the paper.
“Whit dae ye think ye’re daeing? Read that tae me again, bit gie me a swatch ae that photo wan mair time, before ye dae.”
Chapter Thirteen
Monday
It should’ve been plain sailing that week fur Johnboy, Tony and Skull. Everywan in the school wis pishing themselves wae excitement at the thought ae breaking up fur the summer holidays. Even Olive Oyl wis in good spirits that Monday morning…fur aboot three minutes at least.
“Right, listen up.”
No-wan listened, as usual.
“Quiet!”
Some ae the class listened.
“Seeing as it’s the last week of the term and the school closes at lunch time on Friday, you can all come to school in fancy dress that day,” she said, aw nun-like, looking tae the heavens as if she wis daeing them aw a favour.
Aw the lassies started squealing and talking at a hunner mile an hour in wee groups, whispering excitedly. Johnboy thought he’d test the water, seeing as she wis in a good mood, so he stuck his haun up.
“Yes, Taylor?”
“Please Miss, kin Ah come as a tramp?”
“So, you’ll not be bothering to put in any special effort then, Taylor,” she’d retorted, steel in that voice ae hers.
Johnboy wisnae too sure whit she meant by that, bit by the tone ae that squeaky voice ae hers, he sussed oot that she didnae want tae play, so he wis soon in a deep sleep, sitting wae his eyes wide open, wae no a care in the world. Fur a while in class, he’d been a wee bit restless first thing in the mornings, trying tae hiv his first kip. It hid taken him a couple ae days tae work oot that since Skull hid started sitting behind him, his concentration hid gone aw tae pot because ae Skull’s continuious farting, fidgeting and snoring. Tony hid telt Johnboy that the quickest way tae hit sleepsville wis tae think ae fannies, fat arses and big paps. Tony hid said that if he did that, nothing wid interrupt him, apart fae the teacher’s drone in the background shifting up and doon the gears, getting his hard-on stuck at an angle in his troosers when he nodded aff sideways or Barbara Windsor coming intae the class and sitting oan his lap. Given that Johnboy didnae know any ae the lassies in Tony’s class, Johnboy reckoned that trying tae picture Barbara Windsor wis oot, and as he’d never seen any fannies, fat arses or big paps in the flesh, it wid be hard tae picture whit he wis supposed tae be imagining.
He thought that wan ae Tony’s suggestions wis close enough though. Johnboy wid sit there dreaming aboot how him and Senga could heid doon tae the weddings in Martha Street oan a Friday night and Saturday morning and then go and spend aw the money that they’d collected fae the scrambling ae the coins in Cherry’s sweetie shoap
oan
Cathedral Street. They’d even share whit they’d collected and Johnboy wid protect her fae aw the big boys who wid be doon at the weddings, baw-deep, wae feet flying, trying tae grab the tanners and silver thrupenny bits that wur being slung oot ae the wedding car by the happy couple as
it shifted up a gear. Another good wan wis where they’d go oan holiday wae their mas and das and Johnboy wid get tae see her and talk tae her every day withoot her pals. Wance he goat the knack, Skull could’ve shat his breeks five times in five minutes and it still widnae hiv budged him oot ae his open-eyed, shut-eye sessions.
Tuesday
It aw happened kind ae fast. Wan minute Senga wis telling Johnboy that she wis coming tae the party oan Friday dressed up as wan ae the Supremes and the next minute, Skull wis being shouted oot ae the class by Batty in the flesh.
“Aye, there’s trouble brewing and things must be serious if that auld badger is wandering the corridors,” Johnboy hid said tae Senga.
The only other time he could remember Batty appearing at their class door wis when Stuart Hurley goat expelled fur shiting in Olive’s desk drawer. Stuart hid nipped back tae the class as they aw trooped oot fur their morning playtime. When everywan hid sauntered back in twenty minutes later, Stuart hid put up his haun and asked Olive fur a pencil. She’d been that surprised by his request, that she’d let her guard doon fur a second. She’d probably thought that she’d goat through tae him efter aw these years ae him sitting there sleeping or gouging his finger up
that beak ae his, so, withoot thinking, she’d reached doon, opened her desk drawer and stuck her haun in. It hid been like something oot ae a horror film. Johnboy could remember sitting wondering whit Stuart wis up tae, when suddenly this claw wae thick broon sticky stuff oan the finger tips ae it
appeared in front ae her. Her expression hid been exactly the same as that wummin in the shower ae ‘Psycho’. She’d tried tae sniff whit wis oan they fingers ae hers fae aboot eight inches oot bit that obviously didnae dae the trick, so the sticky fingers hid moved in closer tae nearer two inches. If people hidnae been awake awready, the scream that blasted aw their ears and the windaes ae the whole school wid’ve done the trick. She hidnae turned up fur school fur a couple ae days efter that and they’d hid Batty in her place. When she’d returned, everywan in the class hid aw clapped wae joy tae see her. At the time, Johnboy thought that she’d been quite pleased and chuffed at their welcome because she didnae shout at them fur a couple ae days bit jist sat staring intae space, looking at the sky through the windaes that ran the length ae the classroom.
Anyway, Johnboy wis trying tae figure oot whit the score wis wae Skull. It couldnae hiv been the fitba boots that wur the problem as he’d disappointed everywan by turning up at school that morning wearing a brand new pair ae shoes oan his feet. It wis strange no hearing the clickity clack echoing up and doon the corridors, bit there wis still something funny looking aboot them though. Apart fae being really shiny, they looked like lassies’ shoes because ye could practically see where his feet joined his toes. They also hid wee white holes oan the tap ae them where his toes wid be. Skull said his maw hid telt him that they wur dancing shoes and hid come fae wan ae the dancers oan ‘The White Heather Show’ and that’s why they looked funny. She’d also telt him that they wur aw the fashion doon in London fur boys their age. He wis fair chuffed wae them and hid even gied the class a wee twirl tae prove the point, oan tap ae Olive’s desk. It hidnae been long efter this that Olive hid disappeared and auld Paw Broon hid come in to sit wae the class, before Batty arrived oan the scene and shouted Skull oot.
The next time they clocked eyes oan him wis in the efternoon. He strolled intae class, still in his shiny new dancing shoes, followed by Olive who looked as if she’d been greeting. Later oan, Skull telt Johnboy and Tony that Olive hid claimed that the shoes wur hers. She’d said that they wur her gaun-hame and coming-tae-work shoes which she kept in a bag under her desk during the day. Skull refused tae haun them o’er so Batty hid telt him tae piss aff hame and no tae come back. Later oan, Skull’s ma, wae him in tow, hid turned up at the school and offered Batty and Olive a square-go oot in the boys’ playground. Olive hid said that she knew the shoes wur hers because she could see the holes in them fae where her wee black satin bows used tae sit. Skull’s ma hid called her a fork-tongued harridan and said that she’d rock-solid proof that her daughter Betty hid bought them doon in Paddy’s market the previous Saturday. Tae keep the calm and tae stoap fae getting taken ootside fur a square-go wae a mad psycho wummin, Batty hid said that he wid ‘investigate the matter further’ and get back tae them. In the meantime, he didnae want tae interfere wae Skull’s education so he’d agreed that Skull should go back tae his class. Skull’s ma’s parting shot when she’d heided oot ae his office hid been, “Aye, ye dae that, ya diddy, ye!”
Wednesday
Efter filling themsels tae the gunnels wae rice and prunes fae the pink paid section, Tony decided he couldnae be arsed.
“Ah’m dogging it this efternoon,” he announced.
“So am Ah,” parroted Skull.
“Whit dae ye mean?” Johnboy asked, watching the pair ae them go at each other in the middle ae a burping competition.
“We’re no gaun back tae school the day,” Tony said, in between letting oot a big, deep belter.
“Whit will youse dae then?”
“Probably go midden-raking. Ah heard there’s always lucky midgie bins up the back ae Grafton Square since Parvais’s crowd moved in,” Skull said, lifting up his leg and farting at the same time as letting rip wae a corker fae the back ae his throat.
“Beat that wan, ya fud-pad, ye,” he challenged Tony, who wis clearly impressed oan the wan haun bit disappointed that nothing wis coming oot ae his arse despite staunin there grunting like a constipated pig.
“Ah never heard aboot any lucky midgies,” Johnboy said, clearly disappointed that Skull knew something that he didnae, fae doon at Johnboy’s end ae the Toonheid.
“Ye remember when Ah grabbed they two water guns aff ae that wee specky knob last week…the wan that hings aboot wae yer pal…whit’s his name?” Skull asked.
“Fat Boy Milne?”
“Aye. He said that he goat them up there and that there’s always tons ae good stuff.”
“Well, if youse ur no gaun back tae school, then Ah’m no either,” Johnboy declared, suddenly jumping intae his best Charles Atlas pose and letting fly wae a sound fae that arse ae his that wid’ve put a grizzly bear tae shame…tae hysterics fae the other two.
They never reached the lucky midgie bins that day. They’d decided tae try and get as close tae Grafton Square as they could withoot touching any pavements. This meant that they’d tae use the school walls and aw the dykes in the back courts tae get tae where they wur gaun. Two hours and two hunner yards later, they came oot through the side ae the big hoose at the tap ae Montrose Street intae Grafton Place that aw the lorry drivers used tae stay in overnight. Efter twenty minutes ae arguing amongst themsels, they eventually agreed between them that they could walk across the road intae the backs oan the other side ae the street and join the walls there, as long as they didnae step oan any cracks or lines oan the pavement oan the way.
Whit they nearly walked intae made the three ae them scatter in three different directions at wance and end up facing each other oan the tap ae the dykes at the back ae the tenement. When they spoke aboot it later, they agreed they’d aw clocked it at the same time and admitted tae being surprised that they hidnae jist turned and legged it back the way they’d come.
“Whit is it?” Skull asked, the first tae break the silence.
“Fuck knows,” Johnboy murmured. “Tony, dae ye know whit it is?” he whispered.
“Ah’m no sure.”
It stood there looking at them wae its big staring eyes. It wis chewing oan something and there wis a couple ae big slabbers hinging doon fae its mooth that wur swinging and glinting in the sun. They looked aboot tae see if there wis an empty pram in the back close, bit there wisnae wan tae be seen, so they reckoned that it couldnae be a wean it wis chewing oan. They managed tae slowly crawl tae the tap ae the midden and sit in a row, trying tae figure oot whit is wis up tae. Its eyes never left them. Skull stood up at wan point and jumped up and doon, making monster noises and waving his erms aboot. The only thing it did wis suddenly shake its heid before carrying oan chewing.
“Fuck this. Let’s get oot ae here before that mad basturt upsets it and it turns oan us,” Tony suggested.
“Dae ye think it kin climb?” Johnboy asked, feeling the auld arse pangs twitching.
“Probably.”
That wis the signal fur them tae get their arses oot ae there. When they came oot ae the closes at the tap ae Grafton Street that led oan tae Grafton Square, they caught sight ae Calum Todd running o’er the hill towards them. He wis aboot fifteen and wis wearing a vest and shorts and real running shoes oan his feet. He stoapped in front ae them, bit kept running oan the spot.
“Hellorerr, ya manky scallywags. Whit ur youse up tae?”
“We’re looking fur lucky midgies.”
“Whit? Aroond here? Ah think ye’re pushing yer luck a wee bit far there, Tony-boy.”
“Aye, well, ye never know,” Skull said.
“Whit the fuck’s that oan yer feet, Skull?” Calum asked, peering doon at Olive’s good shoes while still running oan the spot.
“Dancing shoes fae wan ae the dancers oan ‘The White Heather Show,’” replied Dixie Ingram.
“Is that right noo? Who wid’ve thought, eh? And how much did they cost ye?” Calum asked, trying no tae pish himsel laughing.
“Ah don’t know…ma maw bought me them.”
“Anyway, Ah hiv tae get gaun as Ah’m daeing a delivery fur The Big Man,” Calum announced, turning, ready tae shoot the craw.
“Calum, kin ye dae us a wee favour?” Tony asked him.
“It depends oan whit it is.”
“Kin you come and check oot whit we’ve found and tell us whit it is? It’s jist in that close up there,” he said, pointing towards the first close they’d gone intae oan Grafton Place.
“Nae bother.”
They aw trooped through the close wae Calum running oan the spot, knees up tae his chest, in front ae them. Calum burst oot laughing when he clocked it.
“Dae ye know whit it is?” Skull asked fearfully, fae behind Calum’s back, where the three ae them wur aw staunin, looking o’er Calum’s shoulder.
“Aye.”
“Dis it bite?”
“Naw.”
“So, whit is it then?”
“It’s a coo.”