Passion Follows Pain (Passion Series Book 3) (36 page)

“I...don’t...want…you.” I said the words out of my mouth before I could stop them. Right now, I was hurting and I wanted him to hurt too. “The best thing you can do for me is to get the hell out of my life.” I began to pace around the room, my mind racing. What did I do now? I had to do something, ring for a doctor or the hospital? God, what did a person do when someone died? I had to do something but I needed these vampires out of the house first. They were distracting me and I needed them gone so I could think properly.

“Baby, please, don’t do this. Let me help you. You’re going to need help.” Lucian said a note of what sounded like desperation in his voice.

“Son, come, we must leave. There’s no point pursuing this right now. I said NOW.” His tone was harder when Lucian looked like he was about to argue.

I watched as they all left the room, Sirene taking Lucian’s arm and dragging him along with them. Once I heard the front door close, I collapsed down by Daisy’s side, taking one of her icy cold hands in mine and I sobbed, big gut wrenching sobs.

As I cried, I thought about what had happened, my father, Lucian, Daisy’s death and I knew; down deep inside I knew it wasn’t Lucian’s fault or Fabian’s. This was all largely my fault. If I’d never run away from my father then he wouldn’t have come after me and Debbie wouldn’t be lying in a hospital. If I had given it more thought before I rushed to answer the door that night, then he’d never have been able to take me. If I hadn’t let Lucian and the other vampires into my life, then they would never have come after me. They’d never have mind controlled Daisy to stop her calling the police or anything else she may have done to find me. If I hadn’t let myself get so caught up in my relationship with Lucian, I’d have been back here and I’d have been here to help her. I might have been here in time for her, in time to save her. She might not have died alone. No, if anyone was to blame for all that had happened, it was me. Father had always told me that if I was bad, if I got close to a man, if I let him touch me, that I would be punished. He was right. I was being punished now. I’d lost everything and everyone that was important to me. I deserved nothing but the heartache and pain I was feeling now.

The next few days passed in a daze. There wasn’t time to think about anything but Daisy’s death, the coroner coming, watching my poor employer’s body laid out on a stretcher and zipped into a bag before being carried from her home. I felt infinitely sad for her that she’d not only died alone, but there was no one to come to her, no family who loved her and cared for her.

She’d only had me and in the end, I hadn’t been there for her. She’d passed away alone. My heart ached for her, a real physical pain in my chest. She’d been so good to me, she’d been like a mother to me and I felt so guilty, I’d let her down.

Even her little dog Milo acted like he blamed me and he wouldn’t come to me for anything other than food. Perhaps it was the couple of days without food that made him resent me, I didn’t know, but right when I needed someone to give me some comfort, I didn’t even have him.

Lucian had dropped by a couple of times but I refused to answer the door. I just wasn’t ready to deal with him, although I knew I’d have to sooner or later, since they still had my father in the dungeon assuming they hadn’t already killed him. I personally didn’t care what they did with him or how they killed him.

I knew I was going to have to find somewhere to stay soon as Daisy’s home wasn’t mine and a part of me considered leave Tasmania and going back to the mainland. I wanted to see Debbie, to see what my father had done to her. She was another example of what happened to anyone who knew me. Because I’d run from my father Debbie was seriously injured and according to the staff at the hospital when I’d rung, she was in a coma still. They wouldn’t tell me any more than that since I wasn’t family but I wanted to see her. I had to apologise to her for what she’d suffered through because of me. It was clear that anyone associated with me ended up suffering because of it.

When Daisy’s funeral took place with no one there but me, I cried what felt like an ocean of tears. After her coffin had been lowered into the ground and I stood there staring down at where she now lay, I felt the hairs rise on the back of my neck, it felt like someone was watching me. It was only when I scanned the cemetery looking to see if anyone was nearby that I finally noticed a man standing in the shade of a large oak tree. He was watching me intently and although he wasn’t close, I knew it was Lucian. My heart ached when I saw him but I didn’t go to him, I had no intention of having anything more to do with him. I couldn’t. Too many people got hurt because of me. They got hurt when my father was involved and now one was in hospital fighting for her life and the other one had died. I had dared to relax, start to live life and I had been punished for it.

A couple of days later I was contacted by a solicitor who had handled Daisy’s estate and I was at first completely shell shocked and then burst into tears when I was informed she had left her estate to me. I could do little more than sit in the solicitor’s office staring at him.

“Why? Why would she do that? I wasn’t family, I worked for her and it was only temporary anyway until her leg had healed.”

“Mrs Appleby thought very highly of you and considered you like a daughter. She told me she felt close to you, that she wanted to take care of you, since you had obviously experienced great sadness in your life. I wouldn’t feel bad about her decision. I’m sure she would have been delighted to finally have someone she could leave her estate to.” The solicitor explained, but I still felt like a fraud.

I had no right to claim her possessions, those things that had meant everything to her in life. I hadn’t been there when she would have needed me most. No, I’d been looking after myself, having a good time with Lucian and not showing any concern for Daisy. I didn’t deserve anything from her.

It felt like an invasion of Daisy’s life, when one day I stepped into her room, for the first time since she’d died. This was all mine now or it would be soon, but it didn’t feel like it, and I sure as hell didn’t believe I was entitled to it all. I didn’t want it; I wanted Daisy alive and well again. It was wrong for me to own everything of hers. It was wrong that she was gone.

Going through her things, bagging her clothing and personal belongings for charity, made me feel like an intruder but I wasn’t. This really was all mine, plus a sizeable amount of money in the bank. There was enough there for me to be financially secure for about a year or so if I wasn’t irresponsible with the money. Although it was nice to not have to worry about a roof over my head or money to live, it still felt wrong.

When the news came through that Daisy died from an aneurysm and that even if I’d been there, I’d have had no chance of saving her, I still felt guilty that she’d died alone. I hated to think that she’d probably had a moment of blinding fear, and some pain before it had all been over. Then to add to the tragedy of it all, her body had been here undiscovered in her home, while I was busy getting fucked over and over by Lucian.

My father was right, I was nothing more than a dirty sinner, a whore, and now a sweet old lady had died alone, when I should have been with her at least. It had been my job to look after her and even if the doctor said I’d have been unable to help her, I was never going to get a chance to find out if I could have done something.

The more rational part of my brain tried to make me see that the only reason I’d been gone as long as I had was because of my father kidnapping me, and the only reason Daisy had been mind controlled was because Lucian, Fabian and Sirene had come looking for me. I knew in my heart of hearts that nothing could have been done differently that would have made a difference but guilt is a powerful thing and I felt guilty, incredibly guilty.

I didn’t have anything or anyone anymore. I didn’t even have Milo as he’d changed without his owner around, and I’d found a home for him with one of the neighbours who had children to spoil him and love him. I sat alone in the house that should never have become mine and allowed my guilt to consume me until I no longer cared about anything. I wouldn’t let myself think about Lucian because it hurt too much. The pain was my own doing anyway. I’d pushed him away and continuously refused his attempts to speak to me.

It was late one evening when I heard men’s voices outside and the giggling of women, that curiosity got the better of me, and I peered through the curtains to get a look out the front of the house. I could see two women and two men piling out of one of the many cars they had across the road and they headed inside. When the verandah lights came on and I could see it was Damien and Lucian with the women, my heart felt like it would break in two. The pain was so severe, I cried out, clutching at my chest. I watched Lucian pause and his head turned towards where I stood, hidden inside. I knew he couldn’t see me but was it possible he had heard me?

After a moment he turned away again and I looked on helplessly, as they all disappeared inside. Once they were out of sight, the tears began to flow and I staggered back; every step agonising with the pain that crippled my body. Blinded by my tears, I hit the wall, sliding down it until I lay in a crumpled heap of overwhelming despair, sobbing uncontrollably.

The anguish, the torment and the pain that ripped through me, was almost too much to bear. I had to face facts though, Lucian had moved on. He didn’t care about me anymore and I also had to accept that I was the one who had pushed him away. I had done this, I deserved this; I had no one to blame but myself.

I settled into a routine of crawling out of bed and spending my days locked away in my own little bubble of pain. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I needed to go out and buy food but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t leave the house, because if I left the house then I would see Fabian’s home, and then I would think of Lucian, and my mind would fill with the images of the last time I’d seen him, of him walking inside with Damien and those two women. I wasn’t a fool, I knew why those women were there and it wasn’t for a game of Scrabble.

I barely ate anymore. Food didn’t agree with me, and my stomach rolled nauseously anytime I tried to force anything past my lips. I was losing weight rapidly I could tell, since my clothes hung off me, but I couldn’t even bring myself to care.

I wasn’t sure how much longer I could handle all this. Each day just rolled into the next. Each filled with pain from the moment my eyes opened, until I closed them again. I was stuck in an endless cycle of agony, wanting Daisy to be alive and well again, and wanting Lucian back, for things to be normal between us.

I couldn’t even go and see him and beg for his forgiveness because I’d done this to myself. I didn’t deserve him. He’d done nothing to me and I’d treated him so badly. Well I was paying for that now, he’d moved on and didn’t care anymore.

I thought my life was pretty well as bad as it could get until I made another call to find out how Debbie was, and learned that she’d passed away. My friend, the only person who’d ever cared about me when I was growing up, and who had cared enough to put her life on the line to get me away from my father, was gone. She’d done all that for me and she’d paid the ultimate price now, she’d died because of me.

All I could do was have flowers sent for her funeral. I couldn’t even go to it because I felt too unbelievably guilty to do so. I couldn’t be around her family in case they asked me about my father, or where I was living. I couldn’t tell them where I was now, I couldn’t tell them about my father, what he’d been like and what Debbie had gone through to help me. Debbie was dead because of me and there was no way I could ever face her family.

Sometimes I wondered about my father. I had no idea if he was still over the road or not or whether he’d been killed, but it had been weeks now, so surely they’d have disposed of him? I was curious about what they’d done with him but I couldn’t bring myself to go over the road and ask.

No one had made any attempt to come and see me for several weeks now, so they obviously didn’t care. Still the way I’d spoken to them, the way I treated them, could I even be surprised? No, I deserved exactly what I was getting now. They too had done so much for me and I had repaid them by abusing them and blaming them before ordering them from Daisy’s home. No, I deserved everything I was getting now. I just wasn’t sure how much longer I could put up with this sort of pain. I wanted it gone, I wanted to be free, I had nothing to look forward to, and nothing left to live for.

Lucian

“Oh for crying out loud brother dear, how much longer are we going to have to suffer through this miserable face of yours?” Francesca sighed dramatically when she entered the living room one evening and found Lucian there already, sprawled out on a lounge deep in his tortured thoughts.

“Fuck off Fran. No one asked you for an opinion and what I do is none of your business anyway.”

“It’s our business Lucian when it affects all of us. For fuck sakes go to her and see her. She might be just as miserable as you are, and if you make up, then none of us have to suffer through your moods one more damn day.”

“I can’t go to her. She made it perfectly clear she wants nothing more to do with me, none of us for that matter. She hates us and blames us for what happened to the old woman. I can’t go to her, I just can’t.”

“I presume this discussion is over Arissa son?” Fabian said as he walked into the room, his arm around Sirene’s shoulders. “At some stage someone is going to have to go and see her. We can’t keep her father in the dungeon forever and as tempting as it is to simply dispose of the old bastard since I’m tired of his endless ranting and raving, I promised your lady I would let her decide his fate.”