Authors: Danielle Steel
"What happened? Couldn't find a cab?"
"Nope. I just felt like walking. It was sort of a crazy day, and I needed to unwind."
"What happened?" He looked faintly worried.
"Nothing much. I had one of those unbearably fancy lunches with Edward, and it was a hell of a strain. Between his dismal failure at not looking disapproving, and the stares of the rest of the people there, not to mention a
Women's Wear
reporter creeping up on us ... I got a bad case of the freaks. And then to make matters worse, I took myself off to a benefit meeting, and flaked out before I walked in the door. That's when I decided to walk home."
"Sounds like you needed it."
"Yeah. I just can't play the old games anymore. I can't even begin to tackle the double life nonsense again, and I won't do it. That life just doesn't suit me. I'd rather be here by myself."
"Are you telling me to leave?"
"Don't be a jerk."
He chuckled, and she took his sopping wet coat, and hung it on the kitchen door.
"I must admit, that whole trip sounds pretty bad."
"Worse . . . but dahling, how divine you look, isn't that the wet look by Cardin ... oh, and your ring!"
She picked up the hand where he had a large rough Indian turquoise. "But the ring is David Webb of course ... his nnneeewwww collection, daaahhhling? Ah, and of course sneakers by Macy's. What an exquisite idea!" She made a face and rolled her eyes. "I mean, Jesus, Alejandro, how can anyone breathe under all that shit?"
"Wear a snorkel?"
"You're impossible. Fm being serious."
"Forgive me." He settled down on the couch after having dumped his sneakers with his coat in the kitchen. "Hell, you used to live that life fairly successfully, didn't you?"
"Sure. As long as I was sneaking around on subways to meet my lover in SoHo, or flying off to meet Luke in Chicago. Besides, I had to do all that dumb shit for the column."
"Bullshit. You didn't just "have to,' you wanted to, or you wouldn't have done it."
"That's not necessarily true. But in any case, I don't want to do it anymore, and I won't. Besides, everyone knows I won't play the game now, so why try to pretend? But the point is what do I do now? I don't fit there, and Luke's not here, which leaves me feeling . . . aimless, I guess is the best way to put it. Any suggestions?"
"Yeah. Make me a cup of hot chocolate. Then I'll solve all your problems."
"That's a deal. Want some brandy in it?"
"Nope. I'll take it straight thanks." He didn't want to give her an excuse to start drinking. She didn't need much of an excuse, but he thought she might balk at drinking alone. He was right.
"You're not much fun, but in that case I'll have mine straight too. I think I've been drinking too much lately."
"No kidding. When did you figure that out? After AA. called you with a free subscription, or before?"
"Don't be nasty."
"What do you want me to do? Keep my mouth shut till you wind up with cirrhosis?"
"That sounds fine."
"Jesus, Kezia, that's not even funny. You really piss me off!" And he looked it as she vanished into the kitchen.
She appeared a few minutes later with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. "And how was your day?"
"Stinking, thanks. I had a minor altercation with my board of directors. At least they thought it was minor. I almost quit."
"You did? How come?"
"The usual garbage. Allotment of funds. I got so annoyed I told them I was taking two days off."
"That must have pleased them. What are you going to do with the two days?"
"Fly out to San Francisco with you to see Luke. When are you going?"
"Good lord, Alejandro! Can you do that?" She was delighted, but he had just spent so much money coming out with them to the hearing.
"Sure I can do it But not in first-class. Are you willing to sit with the peasants at the back of the bus?"
"I think I can stand it. Do you play backgammon? I can bring my small set"
"How about poker?"
"You're on. To tell you the truth, I'm glad you're coming. ... I was thinking about it this morning, and I think I'm scared to death of this trip."
"Why?" That surprised him.
"San Quentin. It sounds so awfuL And I've never been any place like it."
"It's not exactly a joy ride, but it's not a dungeon either. You'll be okay." But just to be sure, he was going. Luke had urgently requested that he come out with her. And Alejandro knew he wouldn't ask unless there was a damn good reason. Something was happening.
"Listen, are you coming out just because you figured I was afraid to do it alone?" The idea amazed her.
"Don't be so egocentric. He happens to be my friend too." She blushed faintly and he tugged at a lock of the rumpled black hair. "Besides, after what I've seen you come through, I have the feeling that if they were firing M-16's over your head, you'd just tighten your earrings, put on your gloves, and march right on in."
"Am I as bad as all that?"
"Not bad, baby—impressive. Goddamn impressive. And by the way, while we're out there I want to interview for a job at a therapeutic community I mentioned to you once."
"You're serious about looking for a new job?" So much was changing.
"I don't know yet But it's worth looking into."
"Well, whatever your reasons, I'm glad we're going out there together. And Luke will be so pleased to see you. What a super surprise for him!"
"When are we going?"
"When can you get away from the center?"
"Pretty much any time I want."
"How about tomorrow night? I got a letter from Luke this morning that said I'll be cleared in two days.
So tomorrow night would be just right, for me anyway. How about you?"
"Sounds perfect"
They settled back with their hot chocolate, and snuggled into the couch, telling old stories and talking about Luke. She laughed again as she hadn't in weeks, and at midnight she lured him into almost an hour of dice.
"You know what I can't handle anymore?"
"Yeah, dice. Lady, you play lousy." But she loved it, and he was .having a good time too.
"No, shut up. I'm being serious." "Excuse me."
"Really, I am. The thing that I can't handle is the pressure of pretense, and that whole way of Me I grew up with is pretense to me now. I can't talk openly about Luke without creating a scandal. I can't show anyone that I hurt. I can't even be me. I have to be The Honorable Kezia Saint Martin."
"Maybe that's because you happen to be the Honorable Kezia Saint Martin. Ever think of that?" He rolled the dice in his hands.
"Yes, but I'm not 'that' Kezia Saint Martin. Not anymore. I'm me. And I keep worrying, thinking I'm going to blurt it all out or call someone an asshole, or throw a quiche Lorraine in somebody's face."
"Sounds like fun. Why not try it?" She roared with laughter as they sat in front of the fire, her legs tucked under her.
"Someday I might just try it But that, my friend, would be the ultimate grand finale. Can't you see it in
Time
magazine? 'Kezia Saint Martin flipped out at a party on Friday and threw a lemon meringue pie that sprayed five guests. The victims of Miss Saint Martin's temporary insanity were the Countess von . . . ' et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."
"Do they serve lemon meringue pies at those parties?" He looked faintly curious.
"No. I guess I'd have to settle for baked Alaska." He chuckled at the thought, and reached out and stroked her now dry hair. It was warm from the fire.
"Kezia, love, you've got to gain back some weight." "Yeah. I know." They shared a small tender smile, and then with a gleam in his eyes, he rolled the dice in his hands, blew on them and threw, closing both eyes. "Snake eyes, or bustl"
Kezia chuckled at the results, pinched his nose, and whispered in his ear, "In that case, Mr. Vidal, it's bust Hey, you asshole, open your eyes." But instead he reached out unexpectedly and swept an arm around her waist. "What are you doing, you nut?" His face was barely a breath away from hers, and she thought it was funny. It wasn't funny to him.
"What am I doing? Making an ass of myself of course." He opened both eyes and made a clown's face, checked out the dice and shrugged, but there was a hint of pain in his eyes. How dense could she be? But it was, perhaps, for the best.
He got to his feet and stretched slowly in front of the fire, watching the flames lick at the logs. He had his back to the still chuckling Kezia. "You know what, little one? You're right I can't stand the pressure of pretense anymore either."
"It's a bitch, isn't it?" She was sympathetic as she munched on a cookie. It was the first time in weeks that she hadn't had a drink all evening.
"Yeah . . . it's a bitch. The pressure of pretense,' how well you put it" She thought he was referring to his job.
"I'm an expert on the subject." But she wasn't in the mood to be serious. Not with him; they had had too happy an evening. "What brought that into your mind?" The words were garbled in cookie crumbs. She looked up but his back was still turned to her.
"Nothing. Just a thought"
They traveled in coach and the flight was dull. The movie was one Kezia had already seen with Luke, and Alejandro had brought some professional journals to read. They spoke during the meal, but the rest of the time he left her alone. He knew how tense she was, and this time he was not amused when she brought out the flask. "Kezia, I don't think you should." "Why not?" She looked almost hurt. "Drink what they serve you, that ought to be enough." He wasn't preaching, but he sounded very firm. The tone of his voice embarrassed her more than his words, and she put it away. When the drinks came around, she ordered one scotch, and turned down the second. "Satisfied?"
"It's not my life, sister. It's yours." He went back to his reading, and she to her own thoughts. He was an odd man at times. Independent, lost in his own doings, and then at other times he took such pains with her. She more man suspected that he was making the trip mostly for her, to be sure she would be all right, and he could have lost his job for that.
They had made reservations at the Ritz, and she felt a thrill of excitement ripple through her as they drove toward the city. The skyline began to show as they cleared the last bend, and then suddenly there it was. The new modern cathedral on Gough, the brown licorice silhouette of the Bank of America building, and the lick of fog rolling in from the bay. She realized now how she had longed to see it again.
The bay, and the Golden Gate Bridge, with Sau-salito and Belvedere and Tiburon twinkling like a forest of Christmas trees at night if there wasn't too much fog. And if there was, she would close her eyes, breathe deeply of the fresh sea air, and listen to the lonely bleating of the fog horns. She knew that when she heard them again, Lucas would be listening to them too. Alejandro watched her as they drove, and it touched him to see her like that. Excited, tense, combing the city with her eyes as though looking for something precious she had left there.
"You love this town too, don't you, Kezia?"
"Yes, I do." She sat back and looked at it with pleasure, as though she had built it herself.
"Because Luke brought you here?"
"Partly. But it's something else too. Just the town, I guess. It's so damnably pretty." He smiled and looked over at her.
"Damnably, huh?"
"Okay, okay, so make fun of me. All I know is that I'm happy here." Despite the brutal things that had happened there, she loved it. It had something no other city she knew had. Her thoughts drifted back to Luke again, and she couldn't suppress a smile. "You know, it's incredible, I've come three thousand miles to see him for an hour."
"And something tells me you'd have come six thousand miles if you'd had to."
"Maybe even twelve."
"Even twelve? Are you sure?" He was teasing again, and she liked it He was an easy companion.
"Alejandro, you're a pest But a nice pest."
"Ilove you too."
It was one in the morning in San Francisco, and four in the morning for them, but neither of them was sleepy.
"Want to go out for a drink, Alejandro?"
"No, I'd rather go for a ride."
"The temperance society at my beck and call. How delightful." She set her mouth primly and he laughed.
"Mind your own business. After we drop off the stuff at the hotel, let's go down to the bay." They had rented a car at the airport and Alejandro was driving.
"At your service, madam. Isn't that what you're used to?"
"Yes and no. But one thing's for sure, I'm not used to remarkable friends like you. You really are amazing." Her voice had grown very soft. "I don't think anyone's ever done as much for me as you have.
Not even Edward. He used to watch over me, but we were never this at ease with each other. I love him, but very differently. He always expected so much of me."
"Like what?"
"Oh ... to be everything I was born to, and more, I suppose."
"And you are."
"No, not really. The computer must have blended it all differently in me. Some of the pieces don't fit, by his standards."
"You miss the point. It's your head that matters, your soul, your heart."
"No, love. You miss the point. It's the parties you go to, the clothes you wear, which committees you belong to."
"You're crazy."
"Not anymore. But I used to be." She was suddenly serious, but the moment fled as they arrived at the Ritz. Ernestine, wearing a green plaid flannel bathrobe, checked them in, looking faintly disapproving to see Kezia with Alejandro, and not Luke. But their separate rooms at opposite ends of the hall seemed to appease her. She padded back to bed, and they went back outside to the car.
"To the bay!" He was as excited as she.
"Thank you, Jeeves."
"Certainly, madam." They giggled together, and let the car bump over the hills on Divisadero Street It felt like a roller coaster as the sharp swoops and drops lifted them off the seat.
"Want to stop for a taco?"
She smiled in answer and nodded her head. "Me, I get turned on by the bay. You, it's the tacos. Welcome home."