Past Heaven (22 page)

“Are you scared?” I whispered, running my hands down her face. She froze at my touch—something I was used to—and she closed her eyes. For a flash, my heart dropped. This was the moment of truth. Then, she nodded.

My heart leapt into my throat, and my lip curled in a lopsided grin. “You feel it too, don’t you?”

She opened her eyes wide in panic.

I moved closer, trailing my fingers along her arms. Her lips parted, but no words came out.

“We have a connection. We’re friends, but I want more than that. Don't you?”

The skin on her neck flushed at my words as she leaned closer, but then as usual, she pulled back and shook her head, tears glistening in her eyes.

In that one move, she crushed my pride. But I knew she was lying—and she was a bad liar. No more. I wasn’t going to let this go on for another minute. I leaned back, looking down the stairs and heard the boys playing their game.

My heart beat fervently with each step I took closer to her. She couldn’t hide anymore or run away. I walked toward her and she walked backwards down the hallway until her back hit the door to her bedroom. As soon as she couldn’t move away, I leaned in, running my nose up the side of her neck, inhaling her sweet smell. I laced her fingers in mine and squeezed them.

Pulling my face away from her neck, I searched her gaze. “I need you.”

Her eyes darted back and forth, looking behind me, and she shook her head no, but stopped and took a deep breath. Her tongue darted out to lick her lips. All of my blood rushed down to my dick from the mere glimpse of her tongue and I was instantly hard.

I released her hands and caressed the sides of her body. She gasped as I grazed her breasts with a feather light touch and trailed them along her collarbone. I’d been with women—plenty of them—but Liz was different. Her neck tilted off to the side and a small little moan escaped her lips, sending me into a different stratosphere of need and want.

“Dammit, Elizabeth.” I lowered my voice to a whisper and brought my lips to her ear. I sucked her earlobe, and she shivered, as her mouth fell open.

I couldn’t stop myself now. I ran my thumb along her lips and then brought my mouth to hers. She would either accept it, or she would kick me in the balls. Either way, the time had come to find out if she felt the same way I did.

I was unprepared for the shock of electricity when our lips touched. I pulled back for a split second after feeling the spark, and her eyes flew open, searching mine. Then she moaned, and I didn’t waste another second. I brought her face back to me, gently pressing my lips onto hers, lightly licking at the seam, until her lips moved against my own. Wrapping my arms around her, I lifted her off her feet. I pressed our bodies tight, knowing she could feel my hard-on. I needed her to understand how much I wanted her.

I stopped kissing her for a moment, and Liz sighed, my lips hovering over hers as I drank in her scent and her taste. She leaned in, her tongue tracing my bottom lip, and I groaned when she opened her mouth to me. Our tongues met, and the kiss became frantic. She threw her arms around my neck, holding herself up, and grabbed my hair, kissing the hell out of me. My hands roamed up and down her back, and I wanted to shout from the rooftop that this was it. This was what I had never known before. I had never been kissed with that much intensity in my life. We kissed like we were taking air from one another. I was filled with heat and desire and the strongest need I’d ever known for a woman. I wanted to treasure her.

She pulled away, panting. Letting go of my hair, she slid down me. I needed to feel her body underneath me. On top of me. Hell, I just needed to feel it.

“That’s why you can’t stay. My heart can’t take it Reynolds. You need to go.” Liz licked her swollen lips and pushed her hair back from her face. “I can’t lose again. I’ll break. Trust me.”

My chest constricted and I crossed my arms to keep from touching her.

“What? Come on, we’re just starting. Don’t fear this, Liz.” I paced the floor, my voice rising in intensity as I begged.

“No, we can’t. This won’t happen, Reynolds. I’m not that girl. Jesus, I’ve only ever been with Jack.” She looked down at the floor, her cheeks bright red. I pulled her chin up to meet my eyes. “These touches mean more to me than they do to you.” Her voice was soft and laced with embarrassment.

“Elizabeth. You don’t know what these touches mean to me. What you mean to me.” I held her face in my hands and crouched down, looking at her brown eyes which were full of determination. She was stubborn, but I refused to let her look away. “Give me a chance to show you,” I whispered, my fingers stroking the sides of her face.

Liz reached behind her and opened the door to her bedroom. We walked in, the only light filtering in from the hallway. “I have a family. I don’t have time to play games, and I can’t indulge in a little happiness for myself now and risk my boys' feelings when it ends. And it will end, Reynolds. We are too different.” She clasped her hands together in front of her and focused on them, avoiding my heated gaze.

I ran my hand back through my hair. “What the fuck does that mean?” I gritted my teeth to keep from yelling. Now I was pissed. I paced the length of her room. I had finally met someone authentic, someone worth caring about, and she wouldn’t even try?

“You’re the sexiest man I’ve ever seen. Look, you’re every fantasy I’ve ever had. But I come with baggage. Emotionally-heavy baggage. My husband has been dead for less than a year and here I am flirting with you and attracted to you. I’m drowning in that guilt.” She held up her left hand, pointing to her wedding rings, and her face paled. “I can’t take them off. Do you get that? I just kissed you, but I can’t take off my wedding rings. What kind of a person does that?” Her face crumpled, and she took a step backward, distancing herself even more from me.

I pinched my lips together and clenched my fists until my knuckles screamed in pain. “I don’t want you to feel guilty about anything. I’m not asking you to take off your wedding rings. I just want a chance with you, Liz.”

I stalked toward her until we were face to face. “You ask what kind of a person you are.” She brought her hand to her neck, and I gently moved it away. I took my hand and ran it up and down the soft skin of her neck, feeling her rapid pulse as her breathing increased. “You’re the most captivating woman I’ve ever met.” I ran my fingers through her long hair. “Your hair is meant to have my hands wrapped in it while I kiss the hell out of you.” I stared into her eyes, glistening with tears, and the back of my throat burned. “I get lost in your eyes. I want to explore every part of your skin.” I caressed her collarbone as I panted. Damn, I wanted her. “And those lips.” I brushed a feather light kiss along her lips. “
Jesus
. The number of nights I’ve thought about your lips.” We stared at one another, our chests heaving, reacting to the passion of both my words and touch.

Liz pushed me away. “I’m sorry. I just can’t, Reynolds.” She spoke in a whisper, as though she needed to say the words out loud, but didn’t have the courage to utter them. “Please, go back to L.A. We can finish our work by phone and email.” Her voice cracked, and a tear ran down her cheek. “I really am sorry. It’s just a risk I can’t take right now. I need to protect my family and…my heart.” Her last words came out in broken breaths, and my own heart slowed as a deep sadness filled me.

I stared at her, frozen in place and still panting as the boys clambered up the stairs. Liz wiped her eyes, her shoulders drooped, and her chin quivered. I moved my hands behind my head, still searching her face for more answers. This couldn’t be happening. I was not giving up on her or on us. I would, though, give her the time and space she asked for.

I patted the boys on the back as they passed by and stepped backward, walking toward the stairs, not taking my eyes off her. As I reached the staircase, I turned and looked over my shoulder. Her eyes remained fixed on mine, and she trembled from head to toe. I opened my mouth to say something, anything to get through to her, but I changed my mind. Now wasn’t the time. I shook my head and watched her brush away another tear before I descended the stairs.

I wasn’t a patient man, but for Liz, I would try.

I KISSED REYNOLDS Carter.

I kissed someone other than Jack.

What had I done? I climbed into bed, leaving the lights off, and crawled over to Jack’s side. I pressed my face into his pillow and took a deep breath.

It no longer smelled like him.

I flipped onto my back, staring into the darkness. “Jack?” I whispered aloud. “I’m so sorry.” Tears ran down my cheeks, and I didn’t bother wiping them away.

My fingers grazed my lips as I remembered the kiss. A kiss that was so full of emotion and passion, it overwhelmed me. Reynolds cared about me. It wasn’t just about the boys. He cared about…ME. He wanted…ME.
Shit
. The hairs on my arms stood up, and my body felt tingly and sharp. I was emotionally shattered just thinking about it.

The boys would be upset when they learned that he was gone, but ending things now was better than later when they would be even more attached, right?

Oh, god. I hurt him
. He was already betrayed by someone else, and I hurt him, too. I felt so guilty about that, but I kept picturing the faces of my boys. They were who I needed to protect, no matter the cost.

I closed my eyes and let my silent tears send me to sleep.

“I don’t get it, girlfriend. Why don’t you have a fling with him? You know he’d be talented in bed. Mind-blowing. Sheet-twisting and scream-producing.” Cindy had arrived in the morning with coffee and bagels, and we sat at my kitchen table, discussing the drama of the past few days.

She sipped her coffee and grinned. I’d bet all the chocolate éclairs in Maryland that she was imagining the glorious details involving a naked Reynolds in bed.

I focused on shredding my paper napkin. “I’ve never had a fling, Cind. Jack was my first and my only. Reynolds means too much to me to be a fling. I don’t want to hurt him, or myself. It would end badly.”

“You’re doing it again. You’re putting everyone’s happiness before your own. Jack wouldn’t want this. He would want you to live your life and try new things.” She added an extra sugar packet to her coffee and winked. “He’d even want you to try new people.” She laughed, and I sighed. “You absolutely have to tell me about the kiss. I want every sloppy detail.” She leaned in and closed her eyes, making a fish-like kissy face.

I crossed my arms on the table and buried my head in them. My voice was muffled, but I spoke loudly. “Unbelievable. I’ve never been kissed like that. He devoured me. I stopped breathing, and you know what? I didn’t care one tiny bit.” I shot her a quick glance. “He tasted…Oh, Lord have mercy.
Delicious
.”

“Enough. Enough, you little bitch. God, I’m so fucking jealous. I can picture it, though.
Yum
.”

“Yum is right.” I picked up my head, and we looked at each other and laughed. Laughing, even at the complete absurdity that my life had become, felt so good.

“All right, so a fling is out.” Cindy bumped my shoulder playfully as she reached past me and grabbed a bagel. She pulled it apart and slathered on a thick layer of cream cheese. Her eyes sparkled, and she bit her lip before asking, “Why not try dating him? It’s pretty clear he wants a shot with you, and I don’t mean just in bed.”

I avoided Cindy’s probing gaze and conducted a thorough examination of my nails. After she cleared her throat for the third time, I knew I had to answer her. “I need a manicure…and I’m not free of Jack, yet.” I rubbed my hand over my rings. “I don’t want to be. I’m scared to lose my connection to him, Cind. If I were to turn to Reynolds, my relationship with Jack would really be over. I still need him. I can’t lose what I have left of him.”

Cindy gave me a tight smile and rubbed my arm. “He’ll always be here.” Her voice took on a very un-Cindy like tone. “You’ll never lose him. He lives on every day in those boys and in your heart. Sacrificing a chance for happiness will not keep him closer to you.” Cindy sat back in the chair and took a huge bite of her bagel. I watched her chew it slowly, unsure of what just happened and the truth behind her words.