IV
JULY, AUGUST AND AFTER
J
ane had spent Barrow Day alone, for the most part. She'd watched the revellers from inside her parents' house, ashamed of what she took to be the town's puerile ways. Barrow Day was an embarrassment and for a number of years now
she had taken to spending June 15th at home, usually alone, usually with a
book.
     This year, she read
Breakfast at Tiffany's
 for the fourth time and dreamed of New York and London, Paris and Amsterdam. She
almost always enjoyed her solitude, but this year it was charged with
something. Something was on its way. Something or someone would come into her
life to save her from the louts and boors of Barrow. She could feel it. She sat
in the living room, in a chair that had been made by her great-grandfather, the
floor lamp with its floral shade beside her, the house smelling of Barrow
bread, the noise of the world dimmed by closed doors and shut windows. She left
the curtains open, however, and from time to time she could see groups of
revellers as they passed.
     Robbie had refused to walk naked into Atkinson's.
     After the fire-hall dinner and dance, Jane's parents returned. They were childishly happy about something. Mrs. Keynes, one
of their neighbours, had inhaled an olive pit and had needed the Heimlich to
clear her windpipe. That wasn't the amusing part. What was amusing was the sight of Mr. Chester, a man thin as
a whippet and half Dora Keynes's size, trying desperately to squeeze Dora's âthorax' (her mother's word). The definition of futility. Mrs. Keynes had flung him around from side
to side in her struggles for breath, until Jane's father snuck up behind her and, with poor Mr. Chester between them, squeezed
the olive out of the exhausted woman.
     â Shucks, it was nothing, said her father, smirking.
     â It was too, said her mother. And it's too bad you weren't there, Jane. You should come out to Petersen's tonight. It wouldn't hurt you to be sociable and maybe meet someone other than Robbie Myers.
     â Mom, my private life's none of your business, said Jane.
     â It's my business when everybody in town is talking about my daughter like she's a scarlet woman.
     â No, said Jane. It's not your business. And who cares what other people are saying?
     â Well, just remember, said her father, don't go kissin' by the garden gate. 'Cause love is blind but the neighbours ain't.
     Exasperated by her giggling parents, Jane got up and, with a show of annoyance,
flounced from the room. Her mother's words stayed with her, though.
     â It wouldn't hurt you to be sociable and maybe meet someone other than Robbie Myers.
     The words made her want to see Robbie. So, shortly after her parents left for
the gravel pit, Jane took a flashlight and went out to Petersen's on her own.
     The sky was clear. There were a trillion stars and it was warm enough that her
sweater was too much. She took it off, tied it around her waist and then found
she was cold. After a brief battle with herself, she hung the sweater from her
shoulders. Once out of town, it was as if she disappeared. The group of people
in front of her was jovial and paid her no attention. The group behind was much
the same. She was alone without being alone.
     The sky, the stars, the night, the trees; the world a collection of simple
things, from the smell of pine to the stridulating crickets. She should have
found the night consoling, but it was all rustic and empty to her: nothing for
anyone but the lovers of nothing.
     At Petersen's gate, Jane turned off her flashlight and followed the revellers. The place
smelled of earth and standing water. Above the trees you could see a handful of
stars and then, as they came to the clearing, the sky was grand again, filled
with suns that warmed countless other worlds. Jane heard voices she recognized
but no one she wanted to talk to. From time to time, light from candles or
torches lit her, almost inviting her to take part in the celebrations, but she
kept to the edge of the crowd, looking away whenever she thought anyone might
be looking at her.
     Against the odds, what with the faces of her fellow citizens only partially
revealed by the shimmering light, she saw Robbie. He was in the second row of
spectators on one side of the pit. She recognized him and then imagined she
heard his voice as she saw his lips move. Beside him: Elizabeth, the one who
belonged. Despite herself, Jane felt betrayed. Though she wanted to leave
Barrow, she resented Elizabeth Denny's acceptance here. An orphan, imagine that, a come-from-away, and yet there was
place for Liz Denny and none for her.
     There was a hush and then the sound of Mayor Fox reciting gibberish as he
walked across the water. Big deal. A cheap, ridiculous trick. And to hear the
in-drawn breath of four hundred bumpkins! To think this was Barrow's idea of ceremony. It was a meaningless end to a meaningless day, meaningless
years, meaningless lives. To hell with Barrow, she thought, and left the gravel
pit before the mayor had made it halfway across.
     Jane walked back home alone, the beam of her flashlight like a ground-sniffing
dog before her. How had she failed to convince Robbie? Could it be that
Elizabeth Denny actually knew him better than she did? Jane had waited until he
was most vulnerable. She had arranged things perfectly. On a night when her
parents were away, she had invited him over, fed him his favourite meal
(shepherd's pie) and seduced him.
     Afterwards, in her bed, she had asked
     â Robbie, how much do you love me?
     â I love you as much as I can love anyone, he'd answered.
     â What would you do for me?
     â Anything you want, except I won't give Lizzie up.
     â But anything but that?
     He had cheered up then, the bastard, since he didn't have to give up his âwife.'
     â What do you want me to do? he'd asked. Name it.
     As if rummaging in her mind for a suitable task, she'd taken a minute before asking
     â Would you take your clothes off in public?
as if the thought had just occurred to her.
     He'd been lying up in bed, turned toward her, smiling. But the smile had stuck on
his face at the question. He hadn't known what to say. Perhaps thinking it was a joke, he'd answered
     â Of course I would.
     â I'm serious, she'd said. I want you to show me how much you love me. I want you to walk into
Atkinson's Beauty Parlour naked.
     Robbie had stared at her and then laughed.
     â Sure, he'd said. I'll go into Atkinson's naked. Why not?
     â That's wonderful. Why don't you do it tomorrow?
     She had kissed him and they had spent the night in each other's arms, though his snoring had kept her up until two in the morning. But when
day came and she reminded him of his promise, he had tried to laugh it off. She'd pressed him on it. He'd tried to avoid the subject until, finally, he'd refused outright. He wouldn't do it in a million years was his new tack. He hadn't been serious the night before. He simply wouldn't do it. If she wanted proof of his affection, he'd rather jump to his death.
     â But you've got nothing to be ashamed of. What are you worried about?
     It was true. He had nothing to be ashamed of. The ladies having their hair done
would see a well-built man. No one would object on that score. But there was no
talking him into it. In fact, though they had planned to spend the day
together, he had walked out, angry at her pestering. That had been a surprise.
She'd been so certain she could get him to do anything she asked. She hadn't bothered to think things through or devise another approach. She had failed,
and the more she thought about it, the more she felt ridiculous.
     As she walked home at the end of Barrow Day, she felt helpless.
     Then it occurred to Jane that she'd been cowardly. Yes, cowardly. The stakes were not as high for her as they were
for dowdy, four-eyed Elizabeth. Elizabeth stood to lose someone who mattered to
her. But she, Jane, was not as attached to Robbie. What then had she really
stood to lose? Nothing. For her to truly care if Robbie went into Atkinson's or not, for her to be persuasive, the stake had to be more significant. So,
beneath the stars, Jane resolved that should she fail to convince Robbie to do
what she asked, she would leave Barrow for good. She would leave everyone and
everything she knew behind. A fleetingly painful thought, because something
deep within her wanted to be part of Barrow or, at least, wanted to belong
somewhere.
     As she was superstitious (a trait she shared with most everyone in Barrow),
Jane consulted
The Book of Common Prayer
 as soon as she got home. She had been doing this all her life, whenever she had
to make an important decision: opening the prayer book to a page chosen at
random, trusting that the first words she encountered would have some bearing
on her decision.
     She inevitably used the ancient B
ook of Common Prayer
 her parents kept in a locked cabinet in the living room. The book, a first
edition from the eighteenth century, was bound in thick brown leather that was
cracked and scored. The prayer book's pages were brittle, its print looking more like handwriting than anything from
a printing press. An heirloom, it had once belonged to her grandfather's Âgrandmother. But Jane was not afraid to touch the book, to use it to guide her.
For instance, when she had been wondering if she should go out with Robbie, she
had opened the book to a prayer about love and she had taken that to mean that,
yes, she and Robbie belonged together. She unlocked the cabinet and took the
heavy book from its place. It smelled of Time itself. That is, when Jane
thought about Time or History, the thought conjured this smell: dust, dry
pages, desiccated leather.
     Closing her eyes and thinking of a question
     â Should I leave Barrow if Robbie won't do what I ask?
Jane opened the book, put her finger down on a line and, opening her eyes, read
In the Lord I put my trust; how say you to my soul, Flee as a bird to your
mountain?
     The meaning was obscure, but Jane resisted the urge to see where the words came
from. She read the phrase over and over, allowing it to sink into her
imagination. Then she closed the prayer book and locked it away again.
In the Lord I put my trust ⦠Flee as a bird to your mountain?
     As she got ready for bed, the words nestled in her mind and then, just before
she fell asleep, they bloomed. She imagined herself flying, eyes closed, toward
a city, a mountain of glass and light. Before the first wave of dreams buried
her under a million symbols, she felt certain she'd made the right decision. If Robbie did not do as she asked, she would flee
from Barrow.
The Book of Common Prayer
advised it.
At the end of Barrow Day, after watching Mayor Fox, Father Pennant experienced
the curious sensation of falling that had preceded his decision to be a priest.
     Christopher Pennant was born in Ottawa, but his family had property in
Cumberland. Ottawa had been home, but Cumberland was where they had spent their
summers, at a cottage where he could be close to his parents, brothers and
sisters without thinking about much or worrying about anything.
     Cumberland, with its fields and stones, was where he had his first religious
feelings. The very first of these he remembered clearly. It had been a warm day
in August, with dark clouds wriggling over the blue sky. He and his brothers
and sisters were all inside, where it was humid and smelled of paint. Every
once in a while, the screen door to the kitchen clacked, as his father went out
to check the meat cooking on the barbecue, and every now and then the smell of
burning charcoal and hamburger would pass through the cottage.
     He hadn't been doing much: idly playing with an old deck of cards, by himself because
everyone else had tired of crazy eights and old maid. He could recall the cards
still: their red backing curled up at the edges to reveal the white pith
between the lamination and the surface. He had just arranged the cards for a
game of solitaire when he heard his name called:
     â Christopher.
     â Yes? he'd answered.
But when he looked around to see who had called, there was no one with him.
Everyone else had left for other parts of the cottage or gone outside.
     In retrospect, it was surprising how little fear he'd felt. The voice had sounded playful. Then he heard his name again. This time
it seemed to come from the kitchen, so he got up to see who it was. As he
entered the kitchen, time, as they say, stood still. He heard nothing, neither
the hum and creak of the cottage, nor the distant voices of his family. He
seemed to be alone in the world when, suddenly, his solitude dissolved (or
modulated) into the most intense feeling of company. Far from feeling alone, he
felt whole, as if he himself were the cottage and the field behind it, the
green hill in the distance and the roiling clouds above. For what seemed like
hours, his ten-year-old self stared out the window at the sky and the fields as
if he were staring at his own face in a mirror. As suddenly as the feeling had
come, it dissipated. His father came into the kitchen. The screen door clacked
and the world returned to him, like a stream flowing over an obstruction.