“I’m guessing, but I want to hear it from you.” He tightens his hold on me but it’s not suffocating me, it’s soothing me. My world is upside down. I can’t say that I like him touching me, but I can tolerate it.
“So why are you still here with me?”
“What do you mean?”
I swallow and shrug, feeling my back rubbing against his hard chest. “You should be disgusted or something like that.”
“You’re kidding, right?” When I don’t say a word, he sighs. “Women often think it’s their fault if their boyfriend or husband beat them, but it’s not. Sean is a creep and he’s the only one at fault. Not you.”
And just like that, in a few words, it’s in the open. Sean beat me. He beat me for three years and I said and did nothing to stop it. I shut my mouth, sucked it up, and went on with what I had to deal with in my life. All of this in the name of love. I was so stupid. I am so stupid.
“Somehow I know this, but I did nothing, Duke. Nothing.”
“Hell, Skye, you’re young. Of course you didn’t know how to deal with it.” His thumb makes little circles on my hand. I stiffen and he stops, not moving away. “I won’t let him get close to you.”
“You don’t have to do this, Duke. Now that you know you can go back to your life.”
It’s true after all. He knows why I’m the way I am and that’s the only reason he came to me in the first place.
“I can’t.”
“Of course you can.”
“No. I want to hear from you how it began. I want to see a real smile on your face and not a fake one. I want to help you because I want to be your friend and because it helps me, too.”
I pull one of my hands away and I feel his body tensing. I’m sure he thinks I’m about to bolt, but it’s not at all what’s on my mind. Instead, I put my hand over his. I don’t squeeze or caress it. I lay my hand on his hand, not moving.
“I don’t know how you do this. Laying your feelings out like that.”
He laughs somberly and I feel his head shake lightly behind me, his breathing making a hot trail on the back of my neck. My heart misses a beat.
“Don’t let it fool you, because I’m not really that talkative about myself.”
“Will you be with me?”
“Maybe, if you are, too.”
“I can’t promise anything. I’m too afraid.”
“I know, I’m afraid, too.” He kisses my hair and squeezes my hand. “Sleep now. Let’s see where we go from here.”
I nod and close my eyes, forcing myself to remember that Duke is not Sean and that I can fall asleep with my back to him, that I don’t have to expect to be woken with a punch in my arm or stomach, that I won’t receive any physical pain or hear any harsh words about what a useless bitch I am. I can just fall asleep with Duke’s heat chasing away the coldness in my body.
* * *
Something’s missing. That’s the first thing that pops in my mind. I shiver. Behind my closed eyelids, the sun is blasting. It feels late. I groan. I hate it when it’s so hard to wake up. I shiver again and I gasp. Now I know what is missing, or who would be more accurate.
I roll over in my tiny bed and sigh. Duke left. Without saying anything, without checking if I’m okay. He just left and now I want to slap myself. Of course he left. After all, now he knows about Sean and me. A lonely tear falls, but I dry my cheek quickly. I won’t cry again. I cried too much already.
With jerky movements I let my hair fall and stand up. It’s time to go back to my routine and forget about Duke. I knew it was a mistake from day one, and yet I let him into my life when I knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t. I let him sleep in my bed. The only other guy who has slept in the same bed as me is Sean. A knot forms in my throat. I take my Psychology textbook and put it on my desk, and freeze.
There on my laptop is a slip of paper turned down. I take a look at Kate’s bed, but she obviously stayed out with some guy from the party. I swallow and pick up the paper as if it might bite me or something.
Skye,
It’s five in the morning and I need to go. I didn’t want to wake you up and I suppose it’s easier to write a little note instead of facing each other not knowing what to say.
The thing is, I’m confused. Talking about my past was hard for me, harder than I thought it would be.
I think I need a little time.
Take care,
Duke.
I crush the little piece of paper in my hand and throw it in the trashcan. Is it weird to feel used? Because that’s how I feel right now. The first person I’ve ever told what happened with Sean and here I am, alone and bitter. What a poor excuse of a guy. I won’t spend a second more on this, on him. I don’t ever want to see him again. Except I will in my class, that is.
* * *
It’s Monday, it’s time to go to my Psychology class, and yet I’m still in my dorm, and Kate is looking at me funny. To tell the truth, I understand why. I’m pacing between the door and my bed—which is a short distance—and it’s been like that for the last fifteen minutes. My leather jacket is on my back, my backpack is on my shoulder, my scarf wrapped around my neck and yet I can’t bring myself to leave this claustrophobic room.
“Can I ask you what’s going on? You’ve been weird all weekend,” Kate says, her amusement not that well hidden.
“Nothing. I’m always weird.” Understatement of the year. If it’s possible, even more than before. I can’t stand to be touched. A guy from next door came by yesterday to ask for some aspirin and when I gave him one, his fingers brushed mine, I jerked away with my eyes filling up. I knew talking about Sean would make everything worse. I knew it. My frown deepens.
“Is it about Duke? You didn’t tell me what happened with Sean being at the party and all.”
I readjust my scarf and suddenly I’m ready to run to my class. Just mentioning Sean makes me feel weak and helpless, even more now that I know it’s not over. And this time I won’t have Duke with me to help me. I don’t need him, damn it! I’m a grown up, I can take care of myself now.
“Nothing special happened and I don’t want to talk about Duke. I need to go to class.” I take the last two steps to our door and open it.
“Did Duke tell you something or do something to you?” Kate says, walking to me and putting a hand on my shoulder, forcing me to stay inside.
I don’t jerk away from her. She’s genuinely concerned and I know she’s not mean or anything. In fact, despite her odd behavior with guys, she’s really a nice girl who’s growing on me.
“No, it’s not that.” I look back at my bed and sigh. Since I slept in his arms, my bed feels odd to me. It’s hard for me to fall asleep and I’m bone tired. I’m sure I could just fall asleep anywhere.
“You need to tell me something because I’m really worried.”
I snap my attention back to her and force a smile on my face. It’s funny to see this petite, feminine girl all tensed and ready to pounce on a big and strong guy like Duke if needed.
“He’s just confusing.” I can’t really tell her what we talked about or why he pursued me in the first place. To her, he’s interested in me in a romantic way which is completely off. “After Sean was mean to me at the party we talked and he spent the night in my bed.”
“You slept with him!” she squeals so loudly that I cringe and glance in the hall, expecting someone to hear her, but apparently not.
“We slept together, but I didn’t have sex with him, Kate,” I reply exasperated. This girl always thinks about sex.
She frowns, deflated. I can’t imagine having sex with anybody and really, I’m not eager to have sex again. I don’t have needs it seems, but Kate is apparently more excited about a possible sex life for me than I should be for myself. It’s too weird and confusing. I shiver. Just thinking of letting a guy touch me like that makes me almost hyperventilate. I take a deep breath to relax.
“Okay,” she says slowly, separating the word in to two long syllables. “Is that what’s bothering you?”
“No, damn it! Do you think about anything other than sex?”
“Of course I do, Skye!” she replies, her mouth turning down. Great, I’ve hurt her feelings. “It’s just that you’re always so serious. We’re in college, in our first year. You don’t have to be so serious or look for a committed relationship.”
“That’s the thing, Kate. I don’t want any kind of relationships. I need a break,” I mumble angrily, annoyed to have to explain my choice and my lifestyle.
She nods, but she doesn’t look very convinced. I’m beginning to realize that she’s a very stubborn girl. I take my cell phone in my hand and look what time it is. I can’t stay here any longer.
“So what’s going on with Duke?”
I humph and put my phone back in my jacket pocket. “Nothing. He just doesn’t seem to want to have any kind of friendship with me anymore.”
“Why?” Her eyebrows shoot up. She crosses her arms over her generous breasts and blows away her straight blonde hair.
“It’s too complicated, Kate.” I tug at the dark grey sleeves of my too big sweater under my jacket. “I need to go or I’ll be late for my Psychology class.”
Her eyes brighten and a mischievous smile appears on her sweet face. “Good. You’ll see him then.”
I shake my head and walk out, ready to brave the freezing air, Duke and any bad Star Wars references. Nothing has changed and it’s probably for the best.
* * *
“Next time I want you to read chapter eleven, and please, take some time to look at some of Jung’s work. Thank you.” Dr. Dills dismisses us with a theatrical wave that almost makes me smile. But for that, I’d need to be in a better mood.
When I walked in, Duke didn’t even acknowledge me with a nod or a courteous smile. No, instead he flirted with a tall brunette whose laughter was a little too loud in the amphitheater. I mean, I don’t know how to flirt or anything, but in my opinion, being so obvious is not that appealing. Then again, I’m not a guy.
My fingers are aching. I’ve typed every word Dills said with a nervous application. My shoulders are burning, too. I turn off my laptop and put it in my backpack, ready to bolt. I won’t look up and glance in Duke’s direction, even if I am still curious about him and what happened to his girlfriend.
“Hey.”
I freeze with my bag half zipped. Shaking my head, I look up and snort when my eyes lock with his. If I could just shoot him with my eyes, I would right now. He breaks eye contact to look at the fast emptying class.
I resume zipping my bag, shoulder it, and walk past him without waiting or saying anything. In my haste to leave the room, I almost trip on the stairs, but I grab a seat and steady myself.
“Slow down or you’re going to break something,” he mumbles behind me, still too close for my liking.
“What do you want?” I ask, my voice cold and my back still to him as I resume my walk, trying to put more space between us.
Outside the room, students are chatting and laughing. I shoulder past a group of girls who are looking at Duke with flirtatious smiles. I roll my eyes and leave the building. The wind is stronger than earlier. My ears are already cold and my nose is halfway there. The cold makes my eyes water a little.
“I want to know how you are.”
I groan and glare at him. He falls in to step beside me, his long legs easily catching up with my furious walk. He’s not looking at me. His eyes are focused in front of us and he’s frowning.
“You want to know how I am?” I say, disbelieving. “Just leave me alone, Duke.”
He fishes a pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket. Expertly, he takes one and lights it. Carefully, he exhales the smoke away from me. “I know I shouldn’t have left like that, okay.”
“No, it’s not okay.” My voice is louder, catching the attention of several other students smoking outside of the building. “At least now you can see I’m not the only one always running away.”
He winces and it makes me glad. It may be mean, but he hurt me and I can’t stand it. Nobody will ever hurt me again. I have been hurt too much already in my life.
“You don’t understand, Skye.”
“You’re right and I don’t want to.” I wave at him and shrug. “Good-bye, Duke.” I take a good look at him, the last one I’m willing to have, and walk away, letting him smoke his cigarette alone. I ignore the pain in his eyes, the regrets and what seems to be anger. I won’t take his crap anymore. He’s got his issues, I’ve got mine, and we shouldn’t mix.
However, it was nice for a little while. I laughed again, I smiled again, and I almost felt secure. It’s a good reminder of what my life should be if I hadn’t been so reckless and such an idiot. And yet, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to leave my shell again. It’s the only thing that protects me from any more pain.
Chapter Five
It’s Friday night and it’s late. For the first time since I’ve met Kate, she’s not out partying. Instead, she’s on her bed still fully clothed in her cute brown and cream cashmere dress that hugs her generous curves perfectly. Her bare feet with red polished nails are fidgeting, which is not really her style.
The week had been difficult. Not that anything really happened besides the usual idiots mocking my name and Sean, whom I saw several times from afar giving me panic attacks, but it’s been harder somehow. Everything felt ten times more difficult to take. I knew trusting Duke would be a huge mistake, but I thought I could handle the inevitable downfall. Apparently not.