PAYBACK (A Bad Boy Romance) (30 page)

I
had
to get away from Ivy.

It felt too comforting to be in her bed, holding her as if I had the right.

She wasn’t mine.

She deserved far better than me.

I never should’ve dragged her into my mess.

My selfishness was choking me right now.

I’d been hyper-focused on catching Terano, I missed so many signs that could’ve gotten everyone killed, including Ivy.

My faith was shaken.

A crisis of the soul, I guess.

As if my soul wasn’t already blackened and shriveled.

The night air kissed my stubbled skin, reminding me of the warm bed I’d left behind.

Memories of Ivy’s battered face, knowing how close she came to being sold off or killed…it was more than I could handle.

What was I feeling? The tight band across my chest squeezed until I couldn’t breathe.

I pulled into the parking lot of my place and walked into the house. A disconnect followed.

Why didn’t I feel comfortable in my own space?

It was as if I didn’t belong there any longer.

And why was that?

Hell, I wasn’t ready to say the words.

Because if I said the words, I’d have to acknowledge that something had changed inside me, that I yearned for what I’d pushed away all these years.

Was I ready to take that chance when everything I thought I’d known had been stripped from me?

I hadn’t felt this bare since…realizing that I was alone in this world.

But…Ivy felt like home to me now.

When I held her, the world dropped away and I basked in the glow of her goodness.

A primal need bubbled up inside of me when I saw her. As if every cell in my body reacted with the same resounding chorus:
MINE!

Who was I to even presume that I deserved a shred of her decency?

I’d blackmailed her into sacrificing her virginity to me — 
who does that?

Rotten fucks, that’s who.

And yeah, I was torn by the knowledge that even as I despised myself for doing that, I would do it again.

I craved Ivy.

Everything that she was.

I wanted to fall asleep wrapped around her and wake up to her soft kisses.

Her laugh lit up my insides with joy and reminded me that there was still beauty in the world when all I saw was darkness.

The way she curled her toes when she came, the way she moaned and cried out softly when I slowly slid inside her…

I could spend a lifetime earning her love and still come up short in my eyes because she needed more than I could ever give her.

What could I offer?

Hey girl, I’m surly, moody, addicted to dangerous jobs, and will probably die eating a bullet one of these days…wanna sign on for this detail?

Yeah, didn’t think so.

I should just walk.

Don’t even say goodbye.

It was better to cut ties with one swift downward stroke than to saw at the connection with a blunt blade.

You know, it’s the only play that makes sense.

So why did the very thought of following through with that plan make me want to cry?

Because you’ve turned into a fucking crybaby. Girls are a dime a dozen. Move on.

Jesus, why was my dad’s voice in my head?

The day I started taking advice from a worthless motherfucker, I’d start with Charles Manson, not the asshole who spawned me.

I took the couch, dropping onto the old sofa with a grunt as I closed my eyes.

Too many browsers open. I was starting to go looney.

First things first…

Tomorrow, I would face the captain.

What I would say…I had no fucking clue.

But I’d better figure it out.

I
wasn’t
in the mood for company but I was feeling pretty low so when Roxy showed up, I didn’t have the energy to dissuade her from checking in on me.

“Darlin’ you look terrible! What’s been going on?” Roxy exclaimed, coming to sit beside me and clasp my cold hand in hers. “Are you running a fever? You look like you’ve been dragged behind a bus.”

I sighed with a wan smile. I suppose I didn’t look my best. The last few days had been rough.

I hadn’t seen or heard from Jameson since he left three nights ago. The radio silence was unnerving and hurtful.

Had he just abandoned me?

After everything that’d happened?

If it walked like a duck and talked like a duck, it usually wasn’t a giraffe.

In the briefest way possible, I gave Roxy a run-down of everything that’d gone down, including my kidnapping and almost being sold off. By the time I was finished, Roxy was dumbfounded.

I didn’t blame her shock. Hell, I’d gone through it and I still had trouble accepting it’d happened.

“Holy shit, baby,” Roxy said, shaking her head in awe. “That’s some movie-plot shit. I mean, kidnapped? Like Liam Neeson-type stuff. Are you okay?”

“I’m alive.”

“Dear Lord, thank you, baby Jesus,” Roxy crossed herself dramatically. “You hear of that shit happening in the news but you never really take it serious. Who gets kidnapped here in the United States? But damn…now I’m definitely telling Ricky to pick my happy ass up after work. I ain’t taking no chances.”

I chuckled. Roxy’s unique perspective always made me laugh.

Roxy’s expression screwed into a concerned frown. “Okay, so what’s going on with your man?”

“He’s not my man,” I corrected her, hating the grimace that ached to follow that admission. “He never was.”

“Oh bullshit, girl. That man loves you and if you’re too stubborn to see it, you’re just plain blind.”

“He left me three days ago and hasn’t called once.”

“Did you call him?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because you’re fingers ain’t broke. Sometimes you gotta go after what you want, baby girl, ‘cause life ain’t gonna hand you nothing. You hearin’ me? Go get your man if that’s what you want.”

“I’m not going to chase after someone,” I said stiffly, my pride stung. “If he wants me, he knows where to find me.”

“Ah girl, your stubborn streak is gonna be the death of you. Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”

The simple question popped a hole in my indignation. What a profound question.

What did it matter if I went to Jameson instead of the other way around?

What if I pursued him instead of him chasing after me?

Roxy smiled. “See? Now you’re starting to think. The pity party only works for so long. And that goes for the both of you. Look, I know he ain’t perfect but what man is? None of that matters, anyway, honey. The heart wants what the heart wants. And yours clearly wants him.”

“Our lives don’t mesh,” I said, not entirely sure if I should take the chance on Jameson. “He’s…difficult.”

“He’s a
man
. They all difficult.”

I couldn’t argue that point but I had several more.

“He hates Frankie. I can’t be with someone who hates the one person in my life that I have left of my family.”

“Frankie is a grown-ass man. He needs to start making better choices. Did you ever think that maybe your man has a good reason for not liking the dude?”

I hated that logic but it had merit.

If Frankie hadn’t been twisted up in Terano’s operation, Jameson wouldn’t have had reason to dislike him.

Plus, I knew that Jameson’s expression of panic and rage hadn’t been fake. When he saw first saw me at Terano’s compound, he’d looked ready to murder anyone who’d dared to touch me.

That’d been real.

I’d stake my life on it.

But even if all that were true…I couldn’t make a man see what he wasn’t ready to see.

“Jameson and I…we don’t make sense,” I said. “He’s the opposite of me.”

“I
know
you’ve heard of opposites attract, so don’t front. Let’s get down to the real nitty gritty of what’s tripping you up. You’re plain afraid. Afraid of what it
might
mean to love someone, I mean,
truly
love someone that isn’t related to you by blood.”

God, the looney bird with terrible taste in men was so right it was scary.

“How is it possible that you know this?” I asked, a bit in awe.

Roxy suddenly looked wise, which was a look that I’d never recognized on her before. Maybe I hadn’t been taking Roxy serious enough.

“Girl, I’ve dated my share of bad men. Ain’t no secret about that. But I will tell you…the one good thing out of all that bad…you start to see past the mask that most people wear. Your man is rough but his heart is damaged gold. He wants to love you, too. But…he needs a little nudge, a little encouragement. Go to him and tell him how you feel.”

“And what if he tells me that he doesn’t feel the same?” I balked, cringing at the potential humiliation.

“I don’t think that will happen but if it does…it just means he didn’t have the balls to step up and you’re better off knowing the truth now than later when there’s more on the line.”

“Damn, Roxy,” I murmured ruefully. “You’ve been holding out on me all this time. When’d you get so smart?”

Roxy winked. “Never show your full hand until you know the players you’re playing with.”

We spent a few more minutes chatting, gossiping about the diner and how Marg was making everyone’s life hell (per usual) and then Roxy left me to think about everything she’d said.

Was it possible that I was being a chicken? Was I hiding?

The answers were staring me in the face but I was paralyzed by the possibility that Jameson didn’t really feel the same way about me that I felt about him.

But my heart was crying already so why not take the chance and at least find closure?

Frankie was being released from the hospital today. Before I talked to Jameson, I needed to talk to my brother.

I knew he probably wouldn’t be happy that I’d fallen for a cop he despised but it was time to live my life for me.

Frankie would just have to deal with it.

I
walked
into the captain’s office, my gut filled with uncertainty.

I knew what I wanted to say, wasn’t sure if I could get them out of my mouth.

In the end, I just wanted it to be done. I wanted to close the book on this chapter and move on.

So I opened my mouth and started talking.

I didn’t hold back. I told the captain everything — every dirty detail, every bent rule, everything me and Hank did to try and bring down Terano — and then I shared every instance when, in hindsight, Hank had saved my life by throwing me off Terano’s tail.

Finally, I asked for the one thing I knew was probably an impossibility but I had to try anyway.

I asked to whitewash Hank’s suicide.

“He was a good man who made a bad choice,” I finished, my stomach in my throat. “We all make mistakes, Captain. Hank paid for his with his life.”

“A life he took,” the Captain reminded me dourly. “One could say he didn’t want to face prison time and he took the coward’s way out.”

I wasn’t making any headway. I didn’t fault the captain but I made one final attempt to get him to see things in a different light.

“Maybe. But he could’ve killed me and my informant and made it look like an accident during a failed rescue attempt. He had the opportunity but he chose instead to kill Terano and then himself. I can’t fault him for his decision. He was my partner and my friend. He was a good cop who fell into some bad shit. The way I see it, Hank took the only way he could.”

Captain took a long moment to think about what I’d said. I knew I was asking something big. Something that had the potential to blow up in both our faces. But I didn’t pull my request. It was now or never.

Finally, Captain exhaled a long breath and said, “You’ve got balls, son. I knew you were running fast and loose but you got results. I could’ve reined you in but I didn’t. That’s on me. I wanted the win. You weren’t the only one who was hot for Terano’s arrest. The greater good of the situation is that Terano is off the streets, we’ve busted up his drug and trafficking operation — the latter we didn’t even realize he was running — and although there’s probably already someone gearing up to take his place, we did our job. Hank was a good cop. We’ve all made stupid mistakes in the heat of the moment. I can sympathize with the situation but I can’t fudge the reports. That’s just not something I’m prepared to do.”

I nodded, conceding defeat. “I understand.”

However, the captain wasn’t finished. “However, the fact that you cared enough about your partner to do something equally reckless just to save his reputation…says a lot about your character.”

“Is that a good thing?” I asked, because honestly, that statement could go either way.

The captain shrugged. “Some might say you’re too much of a wild card. But I happen to like people who are willing to go to extremes for something they believe in. To me, that means you’re not the kind of person who can be bought. Unlike Hank. And that’s the kind of cop I want in my department.”

The grudging praise from the captain meant more to me than I would’ve realized on any other day. I was used to being the lone wolf, the guy who was always on the outside looking in, which was why undercover work was a good fit.

But knowing that the captain saw something in me, even at my darkest hour, was something of a revelation.

Had I been walking around with a chip on my shoulder all this time, with a
fuck you
attitude because deep down I was yearning for that father-figure approval?

Jesus, I hoped I wasn’t that lame.

Kinda humbling.

And embarrassing.

But I couldn’t deny the weight that’d been lifted from my chest.

I’d done right by Hank in the best way I knew how and even though it didn’t work out in the way I’d hoped, it felt like a win just the same.

My thoughts returned to Ivy like a boomerang flung into the atmosphere.

I’d bailed.

In my own fucked up reasoning, I thought I was doing the right thing.

But now…I realized what a chicken shit move that was.

Ivy’s spent her life being abandoned by the people in her life.

Everyone except Frankie.

The brother I wanted to vilify so I didn’t have to take too harsh a look at my own actions.

But that was over.

I was prepared to take responsibility for what I’d put into motion.

I was ready to embrace whatever was coming my way.

Fuck, I was ready to make amends.

Even with Frankie Callen.

Maybe if I do that…Ivy might see fit to give me another chance — even though I sure as hell didn’t deserve one.

That’s a whole lot of maybe.