Authors: H Ryder
TC: “How's my boys?” I ask hopefully.
JG: “Muddy and bonkers, they're fine T” good.
We travel in silence for what seems like ages, but it’s really only ten minutes, we’re still wholly inside the city limits. “I’ll be happier once we’re home in London”, he says suddenly, clearly he’s made his mind up about something, “I have my own people there who can keep a watch, make sure everything is OK.” I don’t live in London but now’s not the time to correct him. He looks genuinely worried by the package in his bag, he keeps looking down at it, like it's a disease, not just an amazing pair of jeans. “I won’t be seeing you this weekend Tharie” his voice suddenly hard, he's switched from intimate happy Daniel to someone I no longer recognise, his mask intact and frozen he is unreadable, unmovable. He doesn’t elaborate, I get no explanation, but strangely being on my own seems perfect.
His words seam a total overreaction I say, “Yes, I must get some practice in for the weekend,” I try to sound calm, “get George and Harry ready for their event.” Pause for effect, waiting for a reaction to my delicate reminder of my real life. Nope. I wring my fingers in my lap, “can’t wait to smell that country air.” Still nothing, surely it’s time to give up, but I’m stubborn remember? He is self-absorbed right now. “All this grey is too homogenised for me.” I continue, reaching into my bag for a nervous application of lip balm, something to do, a mental distraction. I suddenly know the very thing:
TC: “Hi Mum, I’m heading to Narita for my flight” twelve hours early.
EC: “Safe journey love” she likes it when I’m homeward bound, me too.
TC: “See you soon” can’t wait, need to hug my Mum, she’s soft and comforting, she’ll put all this nonsense to rest, along with putting the world to rights too of course. The world according to Eve Charles, scary thought.
I miss her.
It's nearly lunchtime, our flight is in 2 hours. Daniel swipes away another message on his phone, grits his teeth and looks out of the window, as Tokyo flies past. From beside me I hear a loud hiss of escaping air as Daniel lets out of his lungs, “I’m staying another day Tharie,” had I heard him correctly? “I’d love you to
stay with me, I have someone I need to speak to.” He puts a small folded piece of paper back in his pocket, he thinks I haven’t noticed. I decide not to pry, he'll tell me if he wants to. I don’t want to be that kind of girl, we haven’t known each-other a week yet.
I can't keep the shock from my voice “I can’t Daniel.” I use his name to add an additional tone of disappointment, I look at him like he's forgotten everything I’ve told him about myself.
Suddenly I’m hurt to my core, he doesn’t care about me enough clearly to be interested in me at all, just my body, or part of it, and that thought hurts me. “I’m eventing Saturday,” he can’t have failed to hear a note of cross in there too, but if he does, he’s not taking any notice of it. “I can’t let the team down, I have both horses in it.” I tell him, again, “I’m half the team!” Give up Tharie.
He is instructing the driver, not hearing me. I shut down. Daniel breathes audibly, he takes my hand and I remove it, hurt he says “yes, yes of course, you must go.” He does remember, what has happened in the last twenty minutes to change this man so much? We say nothing else to each other, I am confused and a little hurt. He’s on his phone now, already finding some distraction from me.
So go I do.
I stay in the Humvee, and it takes me straight to Narita I turn an watch Daniel on his phone standing beside the road, as his car pulls away with me still inside, wondering what just happened.
TC: “Daniel, don’t understand what just happened, I hope I am not the reason for your darkened mood”
DP: “Safe flight Tharie” that’s very formal, that’s not good, I want to be home, with my horses, where I’m never hurt, well, only physically.
I grab some avocado and cucumber sushi. Happily they make quite a good cup of tea on the Virgin flight, and I sleep the whole way home, time for my brain to rest.
Chapter eleven, Friday
:
25thoctober2013, London, still no Daniel
Determined not to cry I walk purposefully through Heathrow airport, I can’t wait to get out of this nightmare. Yesterday afternoon I was standing on a Harajuku pavement in Tokyo, I had kissed Daniel goodbye and got in the back of the car. He stayed, I had urged him to come home with me, but he said he had a few things to do first. He was snappy, and I needed tea before my head exploded. Inside I slid down the window and looked at him standing alone on the walkway, watching as Daniels car pulled away down the street and I was alone. Like a nervous tick I keep checking the screen of both my phones, nothing from him. Why hasn’t he sent me a message?
X flying change.
I decide to contact a thread of normal life, horse related too, it calms me, and answer Liza's text.
LC: “Tharie, you all set for the weekend!” I will be.
TC: “Yes Liza, can’t wait” did I clean my tack already?
LC: “Mousse is so ready, wish me luck” she doesn’t need luck, she’s dedicated.
TC: “You don’t need luck honey, you’ll be brilliant” true story.
I begin day dreaming, I can’t wait to be on board a large bay horse galloping around a course, grass and leather smells and the sounds of snorting horses and hooves thumping along the ground. Its real, and I need real. Stan meets me at the departure gate rather than arrivals I get in like a train on tracks, not thinking or deviating, it’s automatic. I’m comfortable Stan is here, it’s something normal, a link to Daniel, I begin to relax. I still don't work Friday’s, but I have some investigative work to do, so I ask Stan to drive straight from the airport to the 'hall'. He’s having a ‘Robbie the robot’ moment, his clear instructions from his boss countermanded, his need to be loyal at odds with my instructions. His pistons are twisting and metaphorical steam emerges from his ears.
“Daniel instructed me to take you home Miss Charles” Stan says seriously.
But I can be serious too, “the office please Stan, I’ve just got a couple of things to do.” Stan nods, but he's not happy, not happy about it at all. Bet he tells on me too, bloody hell.
“When did you speak to Daniel Stan?” Wondering if he's contacted everyone except me, and a new wave of dread falls over me.
“I got his automated message Miss Charles,” he adjusts his heating dial with a little more zest than is necessary, “it just tells me what to do and when.” His eyes leave the road and look at me in the rear view mirror for a second and back again, he wants me to know my request is most irregular, well, clearly he’s not used to
Designers
. Everything about us is irregular, it's how we roll. True bloody story.
And we drive in silence, so I plug in my iPhone and listen to The Cult, because my brain is too noisy and questions about Daniel are keeping me from calmness. I need tea badly, I’m starting to shake, and the start of a wicked headache begins to brew.
The kill or cure type of medicine is needed.
TC: “Hi mum, how’s tai-chi?” Contact.
EC: “What’s up Catharine, you never ask me about that” busted!
TC: “I’ve just missed home, on the motorway heading to Essex” and counting the miles. I don’t tell her about the city stop off, she’d only worry.
EC: “Glad you’re back love, I worry when you're away, see you soon. Got to go, Marion is at the door.” Dog walking pal, she’ll be out for hours, Mum doesn’t have a dog, she's a cat person like me, she just likes the walk.
It's getting late, already almost dark outside. I have to get home to the horses, but there's something I must do first. I still have the jeans we bought packed in the bottom of my Burberry, Daniel trusts me with them and I’m to put them in my safe. He tells me where it is, and I get the feeling they're burning a hole in the bottom. I don’t want to be carrying them around any-more, there’s something about them that makes me nervous. I stash the neat calico bag immediately, precisely where Daniel has told me too, and I still haven’t spoken to him since I left him in Harajuku. My phone demands my attention and I’m happy with
the connection to my real life, I can almost pretend the last week hasn’t happened at all, it was just an intense dream.
TC: “Pete, home, call you later” I just need a hot bath and my pyjamas to get settled. And tea, lots of bloody tea.
PF: ”Honey, can’t wait to see you once you’ve reconnected with your horses, see I do understand? We’ll catch a drink?” She does get it.
TC: ”Can’t wait” and I realise that's never been truer.
PF: ”You OK?” How does she do that? She knows me well.
TC: ”Not sure” which is true.
PF: ”Daniel?” She’s good.
TC: ”Bingo”, what’s wrong with me?
PF: ”Men, that’s why I like girls….too” I miss her.
TC: “Catch you soon I hope” really soon.
PF: “Count on it” she’ll always be there, always tell me straight, even though she may not always want me that way.
In my office I stand at my monitor, there’s a lingering smell of potent hand-cream in the air I am having a hard time recognising the origin. My brain is working to connect the necessary paths to recall who owns this perfumed emollient. A woman certainly, and there is also a smeared trace of the grease on my keyboard...Clarins? Someone's been in here. I turn as someone enters, Steffi, looking very surprised to see me, she looks like she's just walked into an invisible wall, though she shouldn’t have the key to my studio, so what was she expecting to find? My cranium is drilling a pneumatic pressure in my
head, in which someone could be messing with my things, makes me anxious, I like my stuff just so.
XM, half-pass to the right.
“Hello” she looks awkwardly around, “good to see you back Tharie,” and looking nervously about my room she hands me some paperwork, I hate paperwork. “We weren’t expecting you back until next week.”
“No? Well with me, you've got to expect the unexpected.” I annunciate clearly, it's a warning. Her face turns to stone, warning received and understood. I treat the handful of spreadsheets with the contempt it deserves and almost drop it to my worktop like it is diseased. Rub my fingertips together to
make certain I haven't caught anything. Steffi notices and the corners of her mouth twitch.
“Everything OK?” She asks, but already I have noticed she is scanning my studio for something. My safe, she’ll never find it, Daniel told me only he and I know where it is. My brain makes a quick connection, and the smell belongs to her, she’s been in here sniffing around, and now it’s me doing the sniffing.
I can play that game too, “and I thought you were away Steffi, decided not to go?” See, I can be a bitch too. “You had some loose ends to deal with here?” Bait, will she admit she was in here, likely not, but now she knows I know she was. Bingo.
She looks at me not certain whether or not to answer, “I fly tomorrow night,” she finally says her lips tighten in a smirk. “You alright?” She’s enjoying herself, “you look pale Tharie”
M, flying change. MCH collected canter.
I can’t look her in the face, a dread feeling that I’m not safe here, that she intends to do me harm hits me between the eyes, I step backwards. “I’m fine, have you heard from Daniel?” Is all I can utter.
She looks at me like a cat eyeing up a mouse but can’t decide when to pounce. I handle my phone pretending to swipe the surface and answer a call, happily for me she decides another time, when she has a better advantage, and I’m not on the phone.
“I’ll let you know when he’s back on the radar.” She says over her retreating shoulder “he’ll let me know when he’s home Tharie,” one last scan around my room, and she disappears down the stairs. Outside my room is a walkway and a balcony overlooking the ‘hall’ below. Next door are 2 more offices and at the end is the kitchen. Taking a breath, grabbing my mustang mug I decide a cup of tea is in order. I love to make tea as well as drink it, the ritual has been perfected over the years, I must have neural pathways, learned behaviour making tea, it’s automatic, and comforting.
I have an immediate need to connect with the one person that means safety to me, and send a text.
TC: “Hi Mum” I miss her.
EC: “Where are you Catharine?” Have I already told her I’m home? She never listens.
TC: “I’m home” she likes it when she knows where I am.
EC: “Glad you’re back, you know I worry, did you get your haircut yet?” Every time.
TC: “Not yet Mum, I’ve been busy” true story.
EC: “Come and visit soon, I am your Mother you may remember me? Marion has grandchildren you know?” I’m getting another telling off by the one person I’d ever let do that, she’s got a very good point too. My hair does need cutting.
Deep breath:
TC: “Love you”
And I really, really do too.
Where is Daniel?
Feeling a little calmer now, with my steaming tea in one hand and phone in the other, none of my calls or texts have been answered by him and I move to check my mails. My little purple icon jumps up and down, Daniels 'out of office' is still on. And I have nothing from him in my in-box. Longing for him to be here, to speak to him to know he's OK, I miss him and wonder whether it's me he's hiding from. Did I do something wrong? I look over the last two texts we sent each other, to reconnect with Daniel. My feelings growing inside me, this man that I just met, driving me crazy with desire and making me feel gorgeous like I never have before. This sexy, hard, dark incredible man that wants me, plain, nothing special to look at Tharie Charles