Authors: George W. M. Reynolds,James Malcolm Rymer
"Look
at that."
The
admiral placed the letter in the little lawyer's hands, who said,—
"Am
I to read it?"
"Yes,
to be sure."
"Aloud?"
"Read
it to the devil, if you like, in a pig's whisper, or a West India
hurricane."
"Oh,
very good, sir. I—I am willing to be agreeable, so I'll read it aloud, if it's
all the same to you."
He
then opened the letter, and read as follows:—
"To
Admiral Bell.
"Admiral,—Being,
from various circumstances, aware that you take a warm and a praiseworthy
interest in your nephew, Charles Holland, I venture to write to you concerning
a matter in which your immediate and active co-operation with others may rescue
him from a condition which will prove, if allowed to continue, very much to his
detriment, and ultimate unhappiness.
"You
are, then, hereby informed, that he, Charles Holland, has, much earlier than he
ought to have done, returned to England, and that the object of his return is
to contract a marriage into a family in every way objectionable, and with a
girl who is highly objectionable.
"You,
admiral, are his nearest and almost his only relative in the world; you are the
guardian of his property, and, therefore, it becomes a duty on your part to
interfere to save him from the ruinous consequences of a marriage, which is
sure to bring ruin and distress upon himself and all who take an interest in
his welfare.
"The
family he wishes to marry into is named Bannerworth, and the young lady's name
is Flora Bannerworth. When, however, I inform you that a vampyre is in that
family, and that if he marries into it, he marries a vampyre, and will have
vampyres for children, I trust I have said enough to warn you upon the subject,
and to induce you to lose no time in repairing to the spot.
"If
you stop at the Nelson's Arms at Uxotter, you will hear of me. I can be sent
for, when I will tell you more.
"Yours, very obediently and humbly,
"JOSIAH CRINKLES."
"P.S.
I enclose you Dr. Johnson's definition of a vampyre, which is as follows:
"VAMPYRE
(a German blood-sucker)—by which you perceive how many vampyres, from time
immemorial, must have been well entertained at the expense of John Bull, at the
court of St. James, where no thing hardly is to be met with but German
blood-suckers."
The
lawyer ceased to read, and the amazed look with which he glanced at the face of
Admiral Bell would, under any other circumstances, have much amused him. His
mind, however, was by far too much engrossed with a consideration of the danger
of Charles Holland, his nephew, to be amused at anything; so, when he found
that the little lawyer said nothing, he bellowed out,—
"Well,
sir?"
"We—we—well,"
said the attorney.
"I've
sent for you, and here you are, and here I am, and here's Jack Pringle. What
have you got to say?"
"Just
this much," said Mr. Crinkles, recovering himself a little, "just this
much, sir, that I never saw that letter before in all my life."
"You—never—saw—it?"
"Never."
"Didn't
you write it?"
"On
my solemn word of honour, sir, I did not."
Jack
Pringle whistled, and the admiral looked puzzled. Like the admiral in the song,
too, he "grew paler," and then Mr. Crinkles added,—
"Who
has forged my name to a letter such as this, I cannot imagine. As for writing
to you, sir, I never heard of your existence, except publicly, as one of those
gallant officers who have spent a long life in nobly fighting their country's
battles, and who are entitled to the admiration and the applause of every
Englishman."
Jack
and the admiral looked at each other in amazement, and then the latter
exclaimed,—
"What!
This from a lawyer?"
"A
lawyer, sir," said Crinkles, "may know how to appreciate the deeds of
gallant men, although he may not be able to imitate them. That letter, sir, is
a forgery, and I now leave you, only much gratified at the incident which has
procured me the honour of an interview with a gentleman, whose name will live
in the history of his country. Good day, sir! Good day!"
"No!
I'm d——d if you go like that," said Jack, as he sprang to the door, and
put his back against it. "You shall take a glass with me in honour of the
wooden walls of Old England, d——e, if you was twenty lawyers."
"That's
right, Jack," said the admiral. "Come, Mr. Crinkles, I'll think, for
your sake, there may be two decent lawyers in the world, and you one of them.
We must have a bottle of the best wine the ship—I mean the house—can afford
together."
"If
it is your command, admiral, I obey with pleasure," said the attorney;
"and although I assure you, on my honour, I did not write that letter, yet
some of the matters mentioned in it are so generally notorious here, that I can
afford you information concerning them."
"Can
you?"
"I
regret to say I can, for I respect the parties."
"Sit
down, then—sit down. Jack, run to the steward's room and get the wine. We will
go into it now starboard and larboard. Who the deuce could have written that
letter?"
"I
have not the least idea, sir."
"Well—well,
never mind; it has brought me here, that's something, so I won't grumble much
at it. I didn't know my nephew was in England, and I dare say he didn't know I
was; but here we both are, and I won't rest till I've seen him, and ascertained
how the what's-its-name—"
"The
vampyre."
"Ah!
the vampyre."
"Shiver
my timbers!" said Jack Pringle, who now brought in some wine much against
the remonstrances of the waiters of the establishment, who considered that he
was treading upon their vested interests by so doing.—"Shiver my timbers,
if I knows what a
wamphigher
is, unless he's some distant relation
to Davy Jones!"
"Hold
your ignorant tongue," said the admiral; "nobody wants you to make a
remark, you great lubber!"
"Very
good," said Jack, and he sat down the wine on the table, and then retired
to the other end of the room, remarking to himself that he was not called a
great lubber on a certain occasion, when bullets were scuttling their nobs, and
they were yard arm and yard arm with God knows who.
"Now,
mister lawyer," said Admiral Bell, who had about him a large share of the
habits of a rough sailor. "Now, mister lawyer, here is a glass first to
our better acquaintance, for d——e, if I don't like you!"
"You
are very good, sir."
"Not
at all. There was a time, when I'd just as soon have thought of asking a young
shark to supper with me in my own cabin as a lawyer, but I begin to see that
there may be such a thing as a decent, good sort of a fellow seen in the law;
so here's good luck to you, and you shall never want a friend or a bottle while
Admiral Bell has a shot in the locker."
"Gammon,"
said Jack.
"D—n
you, what do you mean by that?" roared the admiral, in a furious tone.
"I
wasn't speaking to you," shouted Jack, about two octaves higher.
"It's two boys in the street as is pretending they're a going to fight,
and I know d——d well they won't."
"Hold
your noise."
"I'm
going. I wasn't told to hold my noise, when our nobs were being scuttled off
Beyrout."
"Never
mind him, mister lawyer," added the admiral. "He don't know what he's
talking about. Never mind him. You go on and tell me all you know about
the—the—"
"The
vampyre!"
"Ah!
I always forget the names of strange fish. I suppose, after all, it's something
of the mermaid order?"
"That
I cannot say, sir; but certainly the story, in all its painful particulars, has
made a great sensation all over the country."
"Indeed!"
"Yes,
sir. You shall hear how it occurred. It appears that one night Miss Flora
Bannersworth, a young lady of great beauty, and respected and admired by all
who knew her was visited by a strange being who came in at the window."
"My
eye," said Jack, "it waren't me, I wish it had a been."
"So
petrified by fear was she, that she had only time to creep half out of the bed,
and to utter one cry of alarm, when the strange visitor seized her in his
grasp."
"D—n
my pig tail," said Jack, "what a squall there must have been, to be
sure."
"Do
you see this bottle?" roared the admiral.
"To
be sure, I does; I think as it's time I seed another."
"You
scoundrel, I'll make you feel it against that d——d stupid head of yours, if you
interrupt this gentleman again."
"Don't
be violent."
"Well,
as I was saying," continued the attorney, "she did, by great good
fortune, manage to scream, which had the effect of alarming the whole house.
The door of her chamber, which was fast, was broken open."
"Yes,
yes—"
"Ah,"
cried Jack.
"You
may imagine the horror and the consternation of those who entered the room to
find her in the grasp of a fiend-like figure, whose teeth were fastened on her
neck, and who was actually draining her veins of blood."
"The
devil!"
"Before
any one could lay hands sufficiently upon the figure to detain it, it had fled
precipitately from its dreadful repast. Shots were fired after it in
vain."
"And
they let it go?"
"They
followed it, I understand, as well as they were able, and saw it scale the
garden wall of the premises; there it escaped, leaving, as you may well
imagine, on all their minds, a sensation of horror difficult to describe."
"Well,
I never did hear anything the equal of that. Jack, what do you think of
it?"
"I
haven't begun to think, yet," said Jack.
"But
what about my nephew, Charles?" added the admiral.
"Of
him I know nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Not
a word, admiral. I was not aware you had a nephew, or that any gentleman
bearing that, or any other relationship to you, had any sort of connexion with
these mysterious and most unaccountable circumstances. I tell you all I have
gathered from common report about this vampyre business. Further I know not, I
assure you."
"Well,
a man can't tell what he don't know. It puzzles me to think who could possibly
have written me this letter."
"That
I am completely at a loss to imagine," said Crinkles. "I assure you,
my gallant sir, that I am much hurt at the circumstance of any one using my
name in such a way. But, nevertheless, as you are here, permit me to say, that
it will be my pride, my pleasure, and the boast of the remainder of my
existence, to be of some service to so gallant a defender of my country, and
one whose name, along with the memory of his deeds, is engraved upon the heart
of every Briton."
"Quite
ekal to a book, he talks," said Jack. "I never could read one myself,
on account o' not knowing how, but I've heard 'em read, and that's just the
sort o' incomprehensible gammon."
"We
don't want any of your ignorant remarks," said the admiral, "so you
be quiet."
"Ay,
ay, sir."
"Now,
Mister Lawyer, you are an honest fellow, and an honest fellow is generally a
sensible fellow."
"Sir,
I thank you."
"If
so be as what this letter says is true, my nephew Charles has got a liking for
this girl, who has had her neck bitten by a vampyre, you see."
"I
perceive, sir."
"Now
what would you do?"
"One
of the most difficult, as well, perhaps, as one of the most ungracious of
tasks," said the attorney, "is to interfere with family affairs. The
cold and steady eye of reason generally sees things in such very different
lights to what they appear to those whose feelings and whose affections are
much compromised in their results."
"Very
true. Go on."
"Taking,
my dear sir, what in my humble judgment appears to be a reasonable view of this
subject, I should say it would be a dreadful thing for your nephew to marry
into a family any member of which was liable to the visitations of a
vampyre."
"It
wouldn't be pleasant."
"The
young lady might have children."
"Oh,
lots," cried Jack.
"Hold
your noise, Jack."
"Ay,
ay, sir."
"And
she might herself actually, when after death she became a vampyre, come and
feed on her own children."
"Become
a vampyre! What, is she going to be a vampyre too?"
"My
dear sir, don't you know that it is a remarkable fact, as regards the
physiology of vampyres, that whoever is bitten by one of those dreadful beings,
becomes a vampyre?"