Perfect Alignment (31 page)

Graduation was supposed to be an exciting new beginning, the start of the rest of her life. And the idea of it made her nauseous. Something had to give and soon, and she was afraid she knew exactly what that something was. Pulling into the parking lot of her apartment building, she rested her forehead on the steering wheel. She needed to get inside, get some sleep. She picked up her phone, stared at it for a minute, then typed in
I love you
as a text to Drew. Then she deleted it, grabbed her purse and went into her apartment.

She wrote a long email to Toby, vomiting out her fears and worries, her opinion on Drew’s emotional state and her concerns about his future. Then she deleted the message and sent him a joke instead.

****

Drew was at the end of what had felt like a very long shift when he checked his phone. He saw two missed calls from Emma and a voicemail. A stab of uneasiness hit him when he saw there were no texts from her. Since she’d told him she loved him, and he hadn’t responded, he’d been anticipating…something. He didn’t know what, exactly, but he knew that while she was happy they were together, she wasn’t totally happy and it was his fault. He just didn’t know what he could do about it.

Other than change who he was, which could only end up backfiring on both of them.

He called up the voicemail as he reached his car.

“Hi, Drew. I’m about to head out to the airport. They think maybe Dad’s had a heart attack. I—my roommate is taking me. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. I’ll send you a message when I get there, but I don’t think I’ll be calling. Hospitals, and all that.” Her voice was full of choked-back sobs and Drew’s hand was clenching the phone so hard he had to force himself to pull back for fear of breaking it before he could hear the rest of her message.

“And I just—I don’t know—I think maybe it would be best if we just end this now. Like I said, I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, then finals are in six weeks and I need to focus on that. I—you—well, anyway, I’m sure you’ve been waiting for the right time to tell me the same thing, so we might as well do this now. Thanks for everything, Drew. I have to go.”

The last part was rushed, as if she could no longer expect to hold back the tears and felt she had to hang up before letting them free. He stood at his car door, so many emotions washing through him that he couldn’t even name them all. Fear for what she was going through with her father. She was close to her parents, he didn’t want her to suffer that loss. Despair that she hadn’t thought she could ask him to go with her, to help her through this. Hadn’t even asked him for a ride to the airport. He checked the message time. She’d left it fifteen minutes ago, known he was going off shift. But she hadn’t asked. No, she’d actually broken up with him.

He tried her cell phone but she didn’t answer. And what, exactly, was he going to say to her? She needed to focus on her father right now, not on him. Not on the pain that was making hard knots in his stomach. He got in the car and headed for home. Jesus, she was hurting, scared, and she’d broken up with him rather than reach out to him. And it was all his fault. There was no question of that. She’d told him she loved him and he hadn’t even responded. She’d told him he needed to let love in and he’d said she shouldn’t try to change him.

He was an idiot. A complete, fucking idiot. He hadn’t told her he’d spent an hour at the jewelry store, trying to find her exactly the right graduation gift. Hadn’t told her that on the nights she wasn’t at his house, he found himself spending hours online looking at police openings in cities near her parents. Hell, he hadn’t even admitted to himself what those things meant, pretended that he was just idly surfing the internet.

Complete.

Fucking.

Idiot.

Driving a little bit faster than he should, he made good time to his house and raced inside.

****

There had never been a longer flight home than the one Emma had just gotten off. She had managed not to spend the entire time in tears, but she was sure her seatmates were wary and they left her alone. Not having checked a bag, she was rolling her carry-on out the doors only minutes after they deplaned.

She spotted her mother at once, and was surprised, having expected another relative or friend.

“Mom!” she called, launching herself into her mother’s arms. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you at the hospital? Is Dad—”

“He’s fine, sweetheart. He’s going to be fine. It wasn’t a heart attack, it was pancreatitis.”

That still sounded bad to her, but her mother had said he’d be fine. She burst into tears. The relief was just too immense to hold inside. Her mother wrapped her in her arms and gave her soft, soothing words until she got herself under control. Finally she realized that the longer they were there, the more time her father was in the hospital without them.

Pulling back, she started walking to the parking garage, holding her mom’s hand. “Okay, I’m better now. Who’s there with Dad?”

Tina laughed. “He’s sent almost everyone home and he knew you would feel better if I picked you up, so he made me come and let your cousin Tony and his wife stay. Everyone else got kicked out. It will be fine, sweetheart, they’re already treating it and expect he’ll be going home tomorrow.”

They reached the car and Emma had to stand at the door for a whole second letting that sink in before she could get in. When she did, her mom was watching her. “I was so scared.”

“I know,
mija
. Me too.”

They both took deep breaths, and then her mother drove them straight to the hospital. Within half an hour of landing, she was at her father’s bedside, working hard not to lose it again, trying to channel her relief a different way. Her father made it easier by making her laugh. Even though they were there for him, he knew that she needed his help and didn’t hesitate to give it to her.

By the time her father kicked them out of his room as well, it was late. They’d eaten at the hospital, but it wasn’t exactly a lasting meal, so they set about making a snack. When her mother pulled down two wineglasses, Emma raised her eyebrows at her.

“Indulge me. I’m not going to be ready to go to sleep any time soon.”

Nodding, Emma put the food on the table and opened the wine bottle that her mom handed her.

“Let’s not talk about your father for a while,” Tina said. “Tell me how things are with your man.”

Emma could only imagine the look that came across her face since her mother’s immediate reaction was to apologize.

“I’m sorry, sweetie, I didn’t know that was the wrong thing to say.”

With a sigh, Emma took a large drink from her wine.

“No, it’s all right. The truth is, I broke up with him after I talked to you. Um, over voicemail. I haven’t checked my phone since I turned it off on the plane to see if he’s responded at all.”

“Voicemail? Really?”

“I know, not very cool. I guess I was in shock after you called about Dad and while I was waiting for Dana to get home and take me to the airport, I realized that there was no reason to keep delaying the inevitable. We knew it wasn’t going to last, but we were determined to enjoy it until the end. Well, finals are about to start, I didn’t know how long I was going to be out here, it just seemed as if it was close enough to the end I might as well get it done. Then I could have one less thing to worry about while I was here and once I get home and focus on finishing up at school.”

“I see. And why was it inevitable that you would break up?”

“For one thing, he lives there, I’ll be living here.”

“People do move, you know.”

“He’s never said he’d be willing to consider coming out here.”

“And you’re not willing to stay there?”

“The store is here. You guys are here.”

“Isn’t that pretty unfair, to want him to give up those things, but not be willing to do it yourself?”

Emma poured more wine. She was clearly going to need it. “It is. Which is why I wouldn’t ask him to do it. But, you know, our store is our store. He could work at any police station. He’s not very close with his coworkers. He’s not at all close with his family. And that’s actually the bigger problem. He has issues—”

Her mom’s laughter interrupted her and she had to join in.

“I know, I know. We all have issues.”

“I’m glad you know. But before you tell me about his, I’d like to point out that as much as we’d love you to take over the store, to stay here where we can see you all the time, it’s a reality of life that people move on, move away. Families don’t always stay in the same place. You never know, I may convince your father to retire to Florida.”

Emma laughed at the idea. “Well, I guess I’m glad to hear you say that, though it’s hard to imagine living with all that winter permanently. I do love our weather. And I love our store, but if I worked at it, I’m sure I could find or build something that I would love just as much out there.”

“But there are issues.”

She sighed, dipped an eggroll in sauce and bit in. God, she could never make them quite as good as her mother’s. One of the things she looked forward to doing when she moved back was cooking more with both her parents. That hadn’t been something she’d been very interested in when she’d lived at home, but now, after spending time with her extended families, and after living on her own, she really looked forward to it.

“I met his parents. And they were awful. They don’t care a thing for Drew or his brother. It was just…bad. He grew up with that, and apparently it got worse and worse as he got older. I’m not sure he even realizes how much that affected him.”

“That’s hard to even understand.”

“I know. Even after witnessing it, I have a hard time wrapping my brain around it. Then in college, he gets very close to his friend Toby, probably the first time he’s had that close of a relationship with someone, which then extends to Toby’s wife, Caroline.”

“This doesn’t sound as if it’s going to end well,” her mother commented.

Emma sighed. “Not so much. She was killed in a car crash. Toby was devastated and Drew spent a lot of time helping him get through that. But I think it reinforced his need to keep his distance from people. Not to form permanent relationships.”

“So he doesn’t do girlfriends?” Her mom’s eyes narrowed at her.

“He doesn’t, but he’s not a player, either. He was very up-front with me about what we could have from the beginning. And since I knew I was leaving, I was okay with that.”

She couldn’t hold back the blush at her mother’s knowing look, and tried desperately to keep her brain from remembering every kinky thing she’d ever done, knowing it would somehow show on her face.

Her mother laughed. “You’ve always been a good girl, Emma. Made your father and me very proud. I’m not going to give you a lecture on safety and responsibility because you
are
responsible, and we trust you. I’m glad to know you were able to let loose a bit in college.”

Too many thoughts ran through her head so fast she thought it might spin. She focused on the conversation they’d been having, though she tucked that little speech away to take out later and think on.

“I told him I love him.”

Now her mother showed surprise, poured more wine for herself.

“I know,” Emma said. “I never thought it would be possible for me to fall in love with someone I hadn’t even introduced you guys to. This whole thing has been…surreal, I guess you could say. Not what I imagined for the first time I said those words to someone.”

“And can you imagine saying them to someone else?”

She swallowed, hard. “No. Tell me that will change. Tell me I’ll get past this, and find something better, something more right for me, and be happy again.”

Her mom covered her hand. “You will find happiness. That I can guarantee.”

The implication that she might still find it with Drew had tears pricking behind her eyes.

“He can’t—he won’t let me in all the way. I think, after Caroline, he was so focused on helping Toby, he never really grieved her loss for himself. Just shut even more of himself off than already was, and decided it wasn’t worth the risk to open himself up to that kind of pain.”

The hand holding hers tightened in commiseration.

“We’ve known loss. We got past it, but it wasn’t easy.”

“I don’t know how to help him. I don’t think he realizes he needs help.”

Her mother pulled back, took a drink, leveled her gaze on Emma. “I almost slipped away. When we lost your brother. I look back now, and it scares me how close I was to slipping over the edge, giving into the grief. I didn’t, but it was close. I missed him so much. Not just the him of right then, but who he was supposed to be. My little boy, becoming a man. The pain was so huge, I can’t even…” She shook her head. “It’s still there, of course. I think about him every day, my little Michael.”

She fingered her glass, studied its contents.

“But we couldn’t give into it, your father and I. We didn’t talk about it, we didn’t talk about much during that period. But luckily, we both came to it about the same time.” She cleared her throat, but still, when she spoke, her voice was thick, bringing tears to Emma’s eyes.

“He took you fishing. You were young, but not so young you didn’t understand what was happening. Not so young you didn’t hurt so big on your own, plus the pain and confusion of seeing your parents so devastated. We both saw it. So he took you fishing. And I forced myself to be alive, to be there, with you and him, every day, instead of in my head, in my grief. And we learned that we could live. Live with the pain, the loss, yes. But not in it.”

Emma let the tears escape, “You’re good parents.” She sighed. “But he didn’t have that kind of loss. Yes, he loved Toby’s wife. But she wasn’t his. Could it have been that huge for him? Like it was for you?”

Mom drank more wine, was quiet for a minute before she spoke.

“You know how you hate to get a shot? At the doctor?”

Emma wrinkled her nose.

“Yes, you hate it. But you haven’t had one for years. And if you did, you’d get over it in a minute. The shot is unpleasant, yes, but it’s not that bad. But it becomes this huge thing as you build it up, the longer you wait. It’s not the shot that’s so terrible, it’s the anticipation.”