Perfect Imperfections (2 page)

CHAPTER 2

“What do you want from me now, Mom?”

The words felt like cold glass shards on Judith’s skin, slicing it in a million ways, but all she did was stand in the doorway and watch Kim pack her bags.  Kim’s things were piled up on the bed, her uniforms tossed in one corner, her vanity bag open. Make-up strewn all over the pillow, the mascara, concealer, various shades of lip gloss and lip dyes, even one of her green wedges was on the bed.

On any other occasion, Judith would have asked her daughter to get her room in order but not today. Her eyes took in the mess the room was in — the room that Kim and Sam had shared for three years before they decided to put Sam in a boarding school. Richard didn’t want his daughters to see their Dad weak and sick. But with their financial condition, they could not afford to put both their girls in the boarding school, so they had decided Kim would stay home.

“You know I never wanted this for you, Kim.” Judith’s voice caught in her throat but she forced the words past the lump that was threatening to choke her. “I hope you know that.”

“Yes, I know that.” Kim stopped shuffling around the room. Exhaling deeply, she turned to face Judith who had walked in now. “I know you don’t mean to do this… any of this.” Kim gestured at the room as though the mess in it indicated the mess she felt within. “And yet, here we are, aren’t we?” She looked straight into Judith’s eyes. Judith saw the accusation and hurt in those eyes and even though she knew it was unfair she could say anything as she forced herself to look away.  She felt as though a heavy sack had been placed on her chest which was squeezing out the air within her.

What kind of mother asks her daughter to give up studies to find a job and take care of her family? Well, the kind who is unable to make ends meet as the father lays in hospital with terminal illness. That kind of mother!
Judith thought to herself. But she couldn’t fall apart; she reminded herself of that, and pushed herself a little more to get through the day without breaking down. 

But all her efforts were in vain as she began speaking.

“Kim,” she said and paused, wishing the tears away, “you need to help me!” She couldn’t bring herself to look into her daughter’s eyes, but went on, “I am so tired, of worrying, of taking care of things, of holding it together. I could use some help.” She paused again trying to focus on anything except Kim, but to no avail as a tear escaped her eyes. Judith wiped it away quickly and said, “You know I would never ask you to give up your studies, or your dream to go to the UK for further studies.”

But here I am asking you to do exactly that,
Judith hoped Kim did think this way.

“But you know our financial conditions Kim,” continued Judith. “Nothing is hidden from you. We are barely making ends meet right now. I can’t shoulder all this alone. I need you to be my support.”

Judith finished but Kim remained quiet. She did not know what to say or how to react. How does one react when their own mother asks them to give up on their dreams? And how does one react when responsibilities that even their parents are having a hard time with are thrust upon them?

It was not about the money coming in. With everything that had happened, that was never a problem.  What was that the money never stayed, disappearing just as quickly as it came in and that made their future always lurk in the darkness.

Kim had never expected this blow, that too from her parents, and especially from her own mother. She felt that same bitterness she often felt towards her mother. However, most of that bitterness stemmed from the way Judith looked at Richard. There was some kind of hurt, disgust, and betrayal in Judith’s eyes at times. Kim didn’t quite understand that look on her mother’s face but they sent her blood boiling. She never said anything though, and never asked anything, because her father looked every bit guilty when Judith had that look in her eyes.

Judith had expected her daughter to fight, to argue and cry. She had wanted that. She wanted Kim to do all of that so she could tell Kim everything, let it all out. But she was not ready to saddle her daughter’s young mind with the enormity of the situation.  She knew it would take a lot of effort to get Kim to understand their reality, whatever little of it that she could share with her. She had spent days on end preparing her arguments, which included alternate plans for Kim to take up her studies a little later. She had rehearsed the conversation over and over again in her head for a week.

“Ma, can you take a look at these forms?” Kim pushed a stack of papers towards Judith

The sight of all those papers, forms and brochures drained the blood from Judith’s face. She realized she didn’t have time, she had to break the news to Kim today.

“Kim.” Judith swallowed hard. “We need to talk about this.” She lifted one of the forms, and Kim’s smiling photograph stared back at her.

“You can’t go.” The words just came out not quite the ways Judith had practiced. Panic laced the words as she continued. “I mean…”

“What?” Kim gave her mother a half confused look as though questioning her mother’s sanity. “What do you mean I can’t go? Of course I am not going right away. These are just the second lot of applications I am sending out. I need to get accepted before I go.”

Judith cleared her throat, “I mean… you will… we can’t…”

Kim looked up from her forms to see her mother clearly nervous about whatever she was trying to tell Kim. “Ma, is everything all right with dad?”

“Oh, yes, he is better today.” But she couldn’t hold on to the fear and the feeling of helplessness and broke down in front of her little girl for the first time.

Kim didn’t know what happened as she watched her mother fight for composure.

“I mean, we can’t afford to send you to college. Not this year.” Judith added quickly. She sat down across from Kim, still visibly shaking, fighting to keep her composure.

“What?” Kim’s soft voice barely audible over Judith’s sniffles.

Judith straightened her back bracing herself for a heated argument to follow as she continued, “I mean, with your dad’s health, my two jobs are barely covering the medical expenses and Sam’s tuition fee and boarding cost. And you can see, we have cut down on everything here to basics.” She exhaled a shaky breath. “Instead of college, I want you to get a job. Help me with the expenses, Kim.”

A long pause stretched into several minutes as Kim looked down at the forms and brochures spread on the table in front of her. Her face slowly began losing its color, but there was no expression that Judith could read or understand. She was oblivious to what was going on in her daughter’s head.

“Kim,” Judith continued, “we can work something out. Maybe, plan a schedule so that you can continue with your studies in a few months.”

Judith knew this meant little to Kim. She wanted to hug her baby girl comfort her, tell her something, even though she didn’t know what she could say to make this easier.

Finally Kim said, “I’ll find a job.”

And then, Judith broke down. What made the situation worse was that she had broken down in front of her little girl for the first time in life. Kim did not react or respond. She just sat there in front of her, with a pale face and no expression whatsoever. Judith waited for several minutes for Kim to say something, to give some reaction, but there was nothing. Kim just sat there, listening to all that her mother had to say and then got up and went into her room. The next morning Kim went about doing things like they had never had the conversation the night before.

***

A month from then, Kim had applied with a couple of airlines for a job as cabin crew and, to her surprise, she got through three of them. This gave her the opportunity to choose the airline of her choice. She based her decision on the base location and salary she was offered. Kim didn’t think twice before choosing the one that would take her away from all the chaos that her life in Dubai constituted.

So here she was, packing up to move to Abu Dhabi, where she would get accommodation, a salary that would be more than sufficient to cover her expenses, provide for the family, and a chance to see the world, and at the same time be close enough to her Dad to visit him when she chose.

Once Judith was done saying her piece — as always, Kim hadn’t said much of anything — she looked around at the room one last time and went about getting the dinner ready.

Kim sat there, staring at her suitcase with so much running through her head. Her eyes finally settled at the corner of the room on the dustbin next to her suitcase, with the brochure and the letter of acceptance from the college she had been so focused on getting through. Her eyes stung with the unshed tears that threatened to escape. She couldn’t bear to look at the torn pieces of what could have been her future and forced her gaze to find another object to look at, to concentrate on.

She had so many questions to ask her mother but she also knew she didn’t want to hear the answers to them. How old is old enough to understand why your parents have begun to dislike each other? Or why, in spite of the dislike, they still choose to be together and take care of each other in their times of need? At nineteen, Kim felt burdened enough knowing she was to shoulder the family financially. From the little she had understood about the relationship of her parents, she knew she wouldn’t be able to handle knowing any more. But how long could she pretend not knowing what she had known since a long time?

Kim got up, looked around her room, taking in every detail. Life as she had known had shifted, and she couldn’t decide how she would deal with all the changes. She was excited about the job and all that was to come with it but knowing what she was leaving behind would never really leave her and that weighed heavy on her. So she decided she would not think about that not now at least.
Really, what was the point?
She huffed and flicked the lights off to the room and on the life that she was leaving behind.

CHAPTER 3

“Judith, did Kim cancel her visit home again?” Richard asked as Judith went about fluffing the pillow behind him. It was certainly not the best stalling technique, as Richard had already caught her wrist and drawn her closer.

Even this simple gesture seemed to have drained his energy and he lay his head back on the pillow. Judith didn’t know what to say. She knew that the truth would be hard on him, but there was nothing she could think of.
Truth! It’s best to tell him the truth,
she decided.

“Richard,” she exhaled. “Kim, well…” she paused. “I mean…”

The otherwise white noise of the hospital became almost deafening in that little pause. The hissing of the oxygen tank, the beeping of the various machines Richard was clipped to, the clattering of the trolleys, the hushed voices and the faint footsteps in the lobby — all became too much to bear.

“You are scaring me Judith… please… tell me, will you? Is she all right?” Richard’s words were barely audible.

“Ah yes… no, don’t worry… she is all right,” said Judith. She couldn’t bear to tell Richard but she knew not telling him would hurt him more. “Kim doesn’t want to come home. Not until we are ready to accept her relationship with Dave.”

Richard just lay there in silence, his eyes closed but it wasn’t long before a few tears trickled down the corner of his eyes.

At fifty-five, Richard looked like a seventy-year old. Maybe a terminal illness can do that to a person of any age — make them look old and sometimes unrecognizable. The man who had always been more on the portlier side had now been reduced to skin over bones. The face that had always been round and pudgy now had two hollows in place of eyes and harsh bones jutting out at the angles of the face. The oxygen tubes ran across his face into his nostrils and had been there for so long that seeing Richard without them felt odd.

When Judith first learnt about Richard’s illness she felt helpless. What was thought to be a mild discomfort in breathing turned out to be the last stage of lung cancer. Judith barely remembered having any reaction to the news when the doctor had told her.

“Judith, you might want to sit,” Dr. Shariyaz had said.

The next moment, Dr. Shariyaz’s voice had appeared to come from down the hall and not from across the table. “Mrs. Noyes? Mrs. Noyes?” The rest of the day had been just a blur as the doctor had explained the details of the cancer that was to end her husband’s life. The cause of the disease, she had been told, was not because Richard didn’t take care of himself or because he abused his health, but it was that the cells of his body were rejoicing and doubling up their count. And while the doctor explained to her what was to be done next, and what was to come, all she could think of was who would water the plants that Richard had so lovingly planted. She couldn’t imagine that it would be the first thought that would pop up at such a moment, but then you don’t have control over what you think of at such a time. It’s not like one can practice and rehearse the reaction to the news of the certainty of their spouse’s death.

Judith couldn’t help but feel that the rug under her feet was pulled out yet again; and this time around, she was not sure if she could find her grip back. Anne and Keith Meyer, Judith and Richard’s long time and the only friends in Dubai had been her pillars. In the days that followed, she just couldn’t look at Richard. “Judith, you need to go see Richard. The doctors want to tell him about his illness and you need to be there with him and not hiding here in your room,” Anne had told her, her voice as calm as a soothing mother’s to a fretful child. “You need to get a grip over yourself for your kids’ sake, Judith. You need to be strong.” Judith’s glassy eyes just stared ahead.

“Did you tell Kim?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, because you are going to tell her and Sam. She is going to arrive by tomorrow’s flight. Keith has arranged everything and he’ll go pick Sam up from the airport.” She patted Judith’s hands and took them in hers lightly caressing them. “You are going to talk to your girls and tell them that you are here for them and that they need to be strong for their Dad.”

“Yes, for one last time.” Judith mumbled.

Telling Kim and Sam was not easy but they took it in. Perhaps they wanted to be strong for their mother or maybe they too just didn’t know how to react.

Richard raised his frail hands and rubbed his palms over his face in sheer frustration. “How can I let my barely twenty-one-year-old daughter date an old man of thirty-three and be okay with it?” he said, and it took him all his strength to say it.

It was pronouncements like these that made Judith so mad, so angry at her daughter.
What was Kim thinking?
Did she have the slightest inkling of what she was putting her parents — her father, her dying father — through?
She struggled to clamp her temper.
This is not the place, not the time to let her temper rise. No good would come of it
— she told herself. She needed to make the situation light for Richard. So she said, “Sam said she emailed you. Have you checked your email today? She sounded excited about the Europe trip they had. She has sent you some pictures.”

“Yes, yes, I saw them,” said Richard, adjusting the oxygen pipes. He took a few deep breath as though he had just climbed a few floors. “She sure is enjoying her last year at school.” Then he stopped abruptly, sounding exhausted.

Judith sat next to him lacing her fingers with his and stroking the back of his palm with her thumb.

“Did she tell you where she wants to go for college?” he asked.

Judith just nodded. “She says she wants to go to India, get a Bachelors’ Degree in Management and then, maybe, Masters in Retail Management.”

“India? Hah! She is a clever girl.”

Richard knew it would be less expensive for her to finish her studies there, but he felt a pang in his heart nonetheless. Even though the girls had talked as if they were living their dreams, he knew how much they had sacrificed. He knew how much Judith had sacrificed.

“Yes, she is. Very much like you.” said Judith, patting his arms and managed a smile.

Very much like you and Kim. But Kim couldn’t pursue her dreams because I forced her not to. And now, she will see her sister achieve all that she couldn’t. How would she ever make it up to her little girl?

“I’ll get home now. I’ll come tomorrow after office to see you.”

Richard opened his eye as Judith got up to kiss him goodbye. “Tell Kim I want to meet Dave, will you?” he said. Then, taking in a deep breath and exhaling as if in defeat, he continued, “I want to see my girl and if this is the only way I can, then so be it.”

Judith looked at him. His eyes were glassy and his face was merely skin over bones.
Why was Kim doing this to him?
Judith could feel her temper rise again. Her face felt flushed.

Richard noticed the crimson that tinted Judith’s otherwise olive skin. “Don’t,” he huffed. “Don’t be mad at her. She has done enough for you and me and if this is how we can…” His frail voice barely audible. “Just don’t be angry with her… Judith, promise me?”

Judith stood there with her back stiff and lips tightly pressed together. She looked at him and knew she couldn’t refuse him. So, she just nodded. She would ask Kim to bring Dave to meet him and wouldn’t say anything more.