Authors: Monica Miller
And then suddenly I was on the stage and I saw every eye in the room waking at me, and Matt smiling like a model on a magazine, and I looked at Gabrielle and I’ve seen the tears she tried to hide, unsuccessfully though, and then Matt pulled me closer to me then kissed me.
And from that moment on, I wasn’t aware of anything else.
Matt was holding me in his arms. I was dancing with Matt, and he asked me what my opinion was. I said I was overwhelmed. Matt was laughing, and running his hand through my hair. His fingers were interlaced with mine… He said it was too loud and crowded and suggested we should go somewhere quiet.
I thought if I felt the cold, refreshing air I will feel better, but I didn’t. I felt goose bumps when I felt the cool air, and Matt tightened his arm around me, and then, like a complete gentleman he was, opened the door of his car and he leaned to me, and kissed me softly, his hand in my hair pulling me towards him.
I had no intention of going home, so he suggested we could hang out at his place and I don’t know why I said yes.
He held my hand all the way through his house, then when we got into the house offered me a drink, and kissed me when we entered in his living room.
I couldn’t even understand my hormones or my feelings, but I know his kisses were somehow too good to be true, addictive actually, and that was the reason and I hadn’t stopped when he started unzipping my dress.
Chapter 5
The Hardest Thing
~
M
att
N
icholls
~
I woke up in the morning feeling so good, as if I’ve never slept that good.
A smile curled up on my lips as the flashbacks from the night before began flowing before my eyes. Emma, in her beautiful white dress, looking as stunning as someone could be, with an innocent smile on her lips as she slipped her hand in mine when we arrived at Prom, the way her body involuntary shivered when I pressed my lips against hers for the first time…
I never planned any of this, the only thing I really wanted was for her to enjoy her magical night, and I knew I would do anything I could to make that happen.
But when she was dancing with me, so close, while the slow songs followed their rhythm, I couldn’t stop myself from kissing her. It was somehow in my nature, I guess.
And easily I could admit that our first kiss was the best of my entire life, and that meant a lot, considering how many girls I’ve kissed. But with her everything was so different, so natural and it felt just right.
When I invited her at my place, I had no hidden agenda. I just couldn’t adjust to the thought that my time with her that night was over, and I seriously needed to be around her more.
I am not proud of the fact that we have drank almost an entire bottle of whiskey while laughing because of everything that happened at Prom, Emma was babbling something about some Gabriella, but I couldn’t stop laughing, and neither could she.
But when I moved closer to her, and placed my hand on her back, everything changed from laughter to
seriousness
. I slowly touched her blushing cheek and leaned to her, pressing my lips on hers. I could’ve managed everything just fine if she hadn’t wrapped her hands around my neck, pulling me as closer to her as possible and kissing me fiercely as her life depended on it.
But now, when the morning came and replaced the confidence the whiskey gave us, we were laying on different sides of bed, without even trying to get close to each other.
I stood there without moving about an hour, and I couldn’t stop thinking that Emma was awake, too. Her breathing was normal, rhythmic and I could swear she sighed a couple of times. But then again, I had no balls to try and talk to her, because I had no idea what she might be thinking.
Maybe she was sorry. No. Not maybe. I knew for sure Emma wasn’t the “one-night-stand” type of girl, so she might have serious doubts about her standards right now. And I was freaking mad at myself for not stopping the other night, but shoot me, I am a guy, and a guy has needs.
I slowly got out of bed, taking a pair of jeans I found on a chair and dragged them on, went downstairs, and thought about what I should do while I prepared coffee. Maybe Emma would appreciate some caffeine after what happened last night.
I kept myself busy for as long as I could, but there weren’t too many things a guy could do in the kitchen, and after preparing breakfast and coffee, I went and watched TV for a while, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Emma in my bedroom. I had no idea what I could say to her. I wanted to tell her everything I felt, that I’d do anything for her to be okay, and that I hoped she didn’t regret what happened, because I don’t regret any moment with her.
Then I heard my bedroom door opening, and my heart stopped beating. What am I going to tell her? I was such a freaking coward!
“Um… Hey, Ems!” I tried to sound really confident, but my voice was weird.
Dude, get a grip!
She gasped, and looked at me, as if she didn’t think I would be there, but after all, where would I be? It was my house, and she didn’t seriously think I would leave her alone.
“Hey, Matt,” she said, sounded deadly serious.
Okay, this is gonna be bad. Oh, so bad!
“I made breakfast,” I said quickly, before she even try and say something. “And coffee,” I added, as if coffee would suddenly make everything better.
“I appreciate, but I have to…”
“I always make good coffee,” I said stupidly. Serious? Coffee? You’re a fuckin’ genius, Matt Nicholls!
“And I’m sure you do, but my parents are surely worried, and I’m so surprised they didn’t call to the police already. Or maybe they did.”
“You’re so beautiful, you know?” I said, without even thinking just when she opened her mouth to say something.
I mean, Emma was so not the type who would melt because of a compliment. I was so stupid that everything came out of my mouth this morning was bullshit.
“Listen, Matthew, I…” she paused, as if she didn’t understand what I just said, and then she ran her hand through her beautiful hair, which curls were not as big as last night, looking so naturally and perfect on her. “Thank you…” she said, and sighed.
It took just one moment until I realized I even moved, and suddenly I was holding her in my arms, carefully like she would broke if I squeezed her too hard, and pressed my lips against hers. At first she didn’t even know what happened, but eventually she wrapped her hands around my neck, and I felt my body relaxing as my hands touched her back. God, I could get used to this!
“I’m sorry,” she said, pulling from the kiss and pushing me away. “I have to… I… Need… I wanna go home, Matt, do you mind?”
She really looked exhausted, like she hadn’t slept at all, but she still looked perfect. I wanted to say something, to make all her fears go away, to hold her forever, but she didn’t seem willing to talk about it.
“Yes, sure, I’ll…” I paused, and sighed. I wasn’t ready to lose her. I wanted to do something, but I had no idea what to do. “I’ll take you home,” I said finally.
“I appreciate, but if you don’t want to, I can… Get a cab, or… something.”
It was annoying that she didn’t say anything. I mean, she was stuttering as much as I was, and she was obviously uncomfortable, and I was too, but I…
“Ems…” I started, and she looked at me curious, with her big brown eyes.
“I need some time to think, Matthew.”
I nodded, knowing she was serious when she said my whole name. I took my keys from the counter, and opened the front door holding it for her. I didn’t know why I kept doing that, but it felt so right for her, even though I have never been a
gentleman
before. I also opened the door of my car for her, and she gave me a weak smile that instead of making me happy, made me feel like crap. I blew everything, all our friendship, every chance I could’ve had on her just because I couldn’t stop. I mean, I gave her a lot to drink, and I was the guy, and
I
should’ve stopped! But somehow, I couldn’t think of a sentence that would say how much I wanted everything to be okay again.
“Look, Matthew, it’s not you, it’s just…” she started when I turned on the engine.
“No, I get it, I blew it,” I didn’t even have the courage to look her in the eye. During the drive to her house I kept my eyes on the road, and she hasn’t said anything else. When I pulled over at her house, I sighed, knowing this was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.
“Matthew… I had an incredible time with you last night,” she said, and placed her hand over mine. I still couldn’t look at her.
“Yes, I had too a good time too. It was a really great Prom. Better than mine was, anyway.”
“Why?” she asked, curiously.
I didn’t want to tell her all the gory details about the bitch that broke my heart by cheating with my best friend and making me like this, a stupid player who had no clue how he should act around a girl as special as her.
“Because you were there,” I said honestly.
Her mouth turned into a beautiful smile, and, unexpectedly, she leaned to me and kissed me. The sensation I had when her soft lips touched mine made me hate myself even more. I put a hand on her back, pulling her closer to me.
“Matt…” she whispered, apologetically.
“No, stay here,” I said, wrapping my hands around her and kissing her again. “Plus, I really love hearing you whisper my name,” I said, as a smile curved my lips. Yeah, I already blew it, at least I could make fun of it.
“Sure, obviously,” she said smiling, and then sighed. “I really have to go, you know…” she said, pointing suggestively to the house.
“Ems, I want you to know that I…” she looked at me, waiting to finish my sentence, but I couldn’t. I had no idea how to put into words every feeling I have towards her.
“I know.” she said simply. “I will… call you… or…”
“Something,” I finished her sentence.
She smiled weakly and leaned to me, closing her eyes as her lips touched mine. I felt how my heart sunk, and I knew nothing good’s going to happen. I kissed her back. This kiss felt ever better than our first one, if that was even possible. I slowly bit her lower lip, something I wanted to do since I’ve met her, and then kissed her again, deeply, feeling her shiver as her hands, pressed against my chest tried to push me away.
After a minute or so, I pulled away from the kiss and looked into her eyes, and I knew there was nothing I could do. I sighed, kissing her on the forehead and she whispered a “
goodbye
” as she got out of the car, knowing that this was the hardest thing in my life.
***
I think I was starting to go crazy or something. I haven’t heard from Emma in about a week and a half, and it hasn’t been a single day when I haven’t thought of her. When I haven’t tried to call her, but closed the phone just before it started to ring, or tried to go to her house, but changed my mind before getting out of the car.
I was acting stupidly, I know! But I wanted to give her space and everything she needed. I knew that wasn’t a typical-Matt-behavior, that normally I shouldn’t care, but in the end, Emma was my friend. Maybe I wanted more with her because she seemed to not care about the fact that I was pretty hot, and I found that somehow challenging. But now… I missed Emma, my friend. I wanted to talk to her about my day. I wanted to know how she felt about everything. But I couldn’t do that, just because I wasn’t capable of keeping my dick in my pants! And it really sucked.
I was happy because my best friend from high school, Ben, came to visit and listened to me talking about Emma like 24/7. But he didn’t mind. I’ve known Ben since kinder garden. We spent way too many years hating each other, but on sophomore year I got stuck with him on a project, and we actually found out we could really get along, and we’ve been best friends since. Of course, I thought that my best friend was the dude who stole my girlfriend on Prom, but Ben didn’t mind. That was a completely different story.
I only saw him once or twice a year, because he was studying at UCLA, in Los Angeles, and he had his life there now, and it sucked big time. I didn’t connect with many people in college, plus the people there pretty much sucked if you wanted to have mature conversations. Yeah, it was really fun partying with girls who would accept one night stands without thinking twice, or hanging out with guys who can get drunk and do all kind of shit, but after all, I wanted more than that. And Ben was always a pretty normal guy, who could have fun, but still have his head on his shoulders.
About two weeks and a few days after I’ve last seen Emma, I opened my e-mail account to send an e-mail to my parents, who were in some cruise God knows where, and I’ve noticed an e-mail from Emma. It was sent two days ago! Stupid me for not checking it!
I opened it, feeling my heart beating so fast and in the same time thinking why didn’t she call or something!
From
: Emma West
Subject
: Unfinished business?
- I kind of laughed at her subject. I never knew what you have to write in this subject thing to capture attention, but without using 2000 words. Why did she put the question mark at the end? -
To
: Matthew Nicholls
Hey, Matt :)
- It’s a good thing she put that smiley face, right? -
Well, I didn’t know actually how I could put this into words, so that’s why I haven’t called, or met you so far. I’m sorry for that.
I just wanted to say I’m sorry, for… Everything. I don’t know what happened to me that night and it is embarrassing to just… I mean, I don’t mean that it wasn’t good. Because it was. God, I can’t imagine telling you this face to face or over the phone. So you can understand why I have e-mailed you.
I’ve seriously thought about this, you know. And it’s really hard for me, but I just can’t keep seeing you, as friends or anything, because we both know that we can’t be more than friends for the simple fact that I’m moving next month to L.A. And you’re not such a long distance boyfriend material, I know it. And maybe I’m not, either. I don’t think I could see you again, as friends, because it’s completely distracting. I’m sorry that things got so awkward between us.