Long arms held me from behind and warm lips were at my ear. My hair fluttered as a deep voice spoke but the words were garbled. I couldn't seem make them out. All I knew was that I was safe. That was all that mattered. I blinked slowly into the darkness
,
the shapes of my furniture swimming into view. My room. I was safe and in my own bed, lying on my side, facing the window.
"You make me feel safe," I whispered when silence fell around me again. I suddenly wanted him to know how much I needed him but I was struggling to make myself speak.
"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
The words were exactly what I wanted to hear and I couldn't help but smile. His soft lips brushed my ear as he spoke, his fingers trailing along my arms comfortingly. It was perfect.
"Promise?" I asked but the word was raspy
,
scratching and choking my throat to say it. I coughed, trying to roll onto my back
.
The welcoming arms around me became restraining.
"Oh, I promise."
The voice had changed subtly but it was enough for me to hear the threat behind the words. I gasped as I met Jordan's eyes
.
He pinned me to the bed, both his hands wrapping tightly around my neck as he struggled to finish what he started.
I moaned softly, blinking into a blinding light from a large doorway. My heart was hammering against my ribs and my eyes squinted to adjust to the light. Pain pounded between my temples and the annoying beep coming from beside me wasn't helping.
The room came slowly into focus through my watery eyes
.
On my first pass
,
I thought I was alone. It wasn't until I looked around for the second time that the large figure slumped in the tiny chair in the corner came into view.
His legs were stretched in front of him, his cheek rested on the heel of his hand as he leaned to the side. He was obviously uncomfortable but sound asleep.
"Tish?" My voice croaked the way it had in the dream. I groaned as a shudder passed down my spine, causing my already sore muscles to tense. He blinked twice before seeming to realize where he was. His eyes passed over me and then focused. He blinked again, pushing himself to sit higher in the chair.
"Damn, Lee. How long have you been awake?" he asked, rubbing his eyes before glancing at his phone.
"Just woke." I cleared my throat, wishing I could speak louder. "How long was I out?"
Tish seemed to study his phone, typing something before he answered.
"Sixteen hours or so. You were in and out in the beginning
,
but the doctor said you probably wouldn't remember much. They have you pretty doped up."
He stood and stretched, making his way closer to me. "Glad to have you back." His words were sincere, threatening the moisture in my eyes to spill over. I had to look away to keep my composure so I scanned the room again, my eyes skimming past the shape of the TV bolted in the corner and small clock on the wall closer to the door. The lights were off aside from a few dimly lit bulbs over the bed and the bright light coming from the hallway.
"What happened?" I asked, trying to push myself upright
.
My entire body felt stiff. I scowled at the IV attached to the inside of my forearm and shivered, pulling the blanket up as I moved.
"You scared the hell out of us. We couldn't wake you up on the ride over."
The door groaned softly as it was pushed open further, revealing Kas in the light. I took note of her messy ponytail and pajamas as she closed the door tightly behind her.
"Thank God." She rushed over to the bed, sitting on the opposite side from Tish. She took my injured right hand in both of hers. "We were so worried."
"How did I get here?" The foggy mixture of medicine, sleep, and my injuries was starting to clear, leaving way for the memories of the last few days to invade.
"We brought you to the ER when we couldn't wake you up. I know you said no doctors but we didn't have a choice." Kas ran her thumb in a slow circle on my hand as she spoke.
"I…" I didn't know how to finish. I was frustrated, my heart pounding as I realized the implications of her words. I had been admitted into the hospital. There would be questions. Questions I couldn't answer. And why were they here? I didn't want them here. Either of them. I didn't need them to take care of me. I fought back tears, hating the fact that I felt so vulnerable and wondering if it was the medication making me so emotional.
I cleared my throat but before I could speak again
,
there was a soft knock on the door. I looked that way but it didn't open.
Kas sighed loudly, shaking her head. "Okay, look. Zane is outside and he really wants to see you." I wasn't sure what my expression showed but I started to pull my hand away from her and she squeezed it. "He's been out there since they moved you into this room and he’s refused to leave. He even argued with security when they told him visiting hours were over."
The events of the night before replayed in my mind, making me feel as if the air was forced from lungs.
Zane had gone back to Lizzie.
I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying desperately to feel anything other than the utter betrayal from the only people I'd ever trusted
.
"You don't have to see him. His sorry ass can sit out in that hallway forever and fucking rot," Tish said as he ran a hand through his hair in aggravation. The movement was so much like Zane that it nearly choked me. Tish had been on my side. I remembered that. Tish had always been on my side. Since the day he took me in, not knowing me, and helped me start over, he'd always protected me.
But
,
Tish being this angry at his brother, over me, was a weight I wasn't sure I could carry.
"Let him in."
I felt Kas squeeze my hand again before she released it, standing to open the door. Zane stepped inside slowly, his head down as his glassy eyes looked me over carefully. I suddenly felt exposed in a way I hadn't with Tish and Kas in the room. I tugged the blankets around me higher, wishing the awful hospital gown was thicker.
"Pixie, I'm—" Zane started but Tish cut him off.
"Don't start apologizing now. You made a choice and sorry isn't really an option right now. You wanted to see her, you've seen her."
I reached out, placing my hand on Tish's arm where he had moved closer to me protectively. I tried to take a deep breath but both my nose and my ribs protested the movement. I squirmed a little with the discomfort, causing Zane's eyes to widen in concern.
"Are you okay? How are you?"
I could tell he wanted to step closer but with Tish and Kas on either side of me, he seemed too nervous to even try. I wanted to answer his questions. I wanted to tell him the truth. But
,
saying the words aloud was almost impossible to consider and I knew I couldn't get it out with Tish and Kas in the room.
"Could I have a few minutes alone with Zane, please?"
I squeezed Tish's arm where I held it still, nodding as he looked down at me. Kas moved first, reaching a hand out to Tish as they met at the foot of my bed.
"Watch yourself or I will fuck you up and you'll be glad you're already in a hospital," Tish warned Zane, staring him down as Kas led him into the hallway, shutting the door behind them.
"Stay with me!"
I'm trying.
"Don't you dare leave me!"
Never.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Loathing
ZANE
I'd thought the hours of waiting, not knowing how bad she was hurt or when she would wake up, were the worst.
I'd rushed Lizzie out of the house just after Tish and Kas left with Lili, coming straight to the hospital. I was pissed that Tish wouldn't let me take care of her at the house. It's my fucking job.
When they'd arrived, Tish told them he was her brother and she had come home badly beaten. They would only let him back in the ER, even when I tried to sweet talk several of the nurses I knew. Once they confirmed a concussion through CT scans, they admitted her and moved her to a room. While Tish allowed Kas in, he refused to let me near her. It's not like I could blame him for that, he was looking out for her. I should've been looking out for her. I should've been protecting her from Adam
.
Instead
,
I got angry and blamed her even though I knew — I
knew
— she wouldn't do something like that behind my back.
I spent hours pacing the halls of this hospital, my mind imagining every possible scenario of how to make Adam pay for this. And he would pay. Our history, as complicated as it was, was nothing compared to what he'd done to Lili. He'd gone too far. I'd let go of my anger and hatred about Lizzie and Conner. But, he should've moved on and found someone else because now, I wouldn't stop until he was out of the picture. With every new idea, every new plan I formed, I had to force myself to wait.
Just wait.
First, I needed to know that Lili was okay.
And
,
I needed to be patient. Adam was smart. But I was smarter. And he knew it.
So I'd waited… with the last words she'd said to me still replaying in my mind.
"I fucking hate you, Zane."
I thought those hours were the worst. But
,
standing here
,
in her hospital room, listening to the beeping of the machines hooked up to her while she stared at me in silence, waiting for her to speak and tear me apart further… this was the worst. And I deserved it. So I stood, clenching my trembling hands into fists at my sides while I let her silence peel back every bit of sanity from my being, praying that I could take it. I wanted to take it. I would take her pain
,
too, if I could.
"Am I okay?" she repeated the first of my questions in a voice that she was obviously trying to keep steady. "No. No, Zane
,
I am far from okay. I'm lying in a hospital bed, attached to all sorts of shit. Not okay."
"Lil—" I started forward but she held up a bandaged hand, two of her fingers taped together in splints. I stepped back, feeling even worse.
"How am I?" I watched her shift on the bed, pulling the blanket around her while failing to keep the discomfort from her face. "I'm actually sore as hell. I feel like I got my ass handed to me by a fucking Marine who is trained in hand-to-hand combat. A Marine who somehow managed to deceive me for over a week and slipped past all of the defenses I had to keep jerks like him away from me." I could see her hands shaking as she fisted them in the blanket, the tears spilling slowly from her eyes to her flushed cheeks as she continued. "If that wasn't bad enough, I also had my heart stomped on by someone I thought would always have my fucking back."
It felt like the world stopped for a moment. Her last sentence repeated in mind through the silence.
I'd broken her heart?
She cared about me and I'd hurt her. I wanted to walk away. I wanted nothing but to be away from the source of the pain that was growing with every pounding beat of my shredded heart. I had fucked this up beyond repair. I closed my eyes, swallowed back all my self-loathing, and ran a hand through my hair as I tried to decide whether to speak or remain silent.
"I trusted you and you brought
her,
of all people, to the house," Lili continued, her voice small. My eyes flashed open, finding her face immediately. I ignored her earlier refusal of my movements and took the four steps to put myself at her bedside.
"I don't even know how to apologize. I can't. Not to you." I squeezed both of my hands around the side rail of her bed, wishing I could find the right words to fix my colossal mistake
.
I watched my knuckles turn white from the grip. "Fuck it. I'm sorry. I am. I regret it more than I can ever explain and I know it was a mistake. She's the biggest mistake of my life and she has been since I met her. I was…"
I paused, taking a breath and meeting her eyes again. "I was so worried about you, Pixie. You have no idea. Once we figured out that Adam had tricked you, we were all looking for you. I was out of my mind worried and he was sending me fucking pictures
.
I thought that if I had a few drinks I could calm myself down
,
but all I did was open myself up for that conniving bitch to step in again."
I felt drained when I finished speaking, both physically and emotionally. It was as if all the words I was struggling to find had taken every bit of my energy as I expelled them. I dropped to my knees beside the bed, my hands still gripping the rail as I pressed my forehead against the cold plastic. I was aware of the similarities in how she apologized to me hours ago at the house and I hoped she understood how much I meant the words. "I never meant to hurt you. That's the last thing I ever wanted to do, Pixie. I'm sorry."
Lili inhaled a shaky breath but before she could speak
,
there was a knock on the door and two uniformed police officers entered. I pushed myself to my feet, glancing back in time to see Lili's hand drop to the bed. Her expression was flat, all emotion wiped away except for the trails from the tears still fresh on her cheeks.
"Miss Cortez?" The first officer, the female, addressed her as they stepped forward. "I'm Officer Thomas and this is Officer Davis. We'd like to ask you a few questions. Alone, if you don't mind." Officer Thomas looked me over cautiously but I glanced back at Lili, unsure of whether to leave her now. She didn't even look at me, she just stared at a point on the wall across the room, her face completely void of any reaction.
"It'll only take a few minutes." Officer Davis held open the door, gesturing for me to leave. When Lili still didn't respond, I nodded, taking a few steps toward the door.
"I'll be down in the waiting room with Tish and Kas if you need me," I said to Lili as I left
.
She still didn't react. I frowned before heading down the hall.
When I reached the waiting room, I collapsed into the chair next to Kas, rubbing my temples with trembling fingers.