Personal Experiences (38 page)

"Can I tell you something and please…don't get mad or upset" TJ pushed himself back up again and he rolled his eyes at me "Yes, but hurry before I change my mind" I took a breath "When Bear was…you know…doing what he was doing, he kept asking me if I liked the taste of what real love was but it was the most disgusting taste I've ever tasted in my life. Love shouldn't be disgusting and nasty, should it?" Looking me in the face, I could see he didn't set himself up for a question like that; he gently pulled himself out of me and bent back down so that his face was between my legs again. He began licking me while moaning again so sexy; I loved to hear him make those sounds. It was beautiful. He came back over me and looked me in the eyes "I want your mouth." I gave him my mouth. He stuck his tongue in. I could taste a part of him mixed with what must be a part of me and it wasn't bad. It was sweet yet salty and had just a hint of bitterness. I swirled my tongue in his mouth to taste more of our combination. He broke the kiss "Do you taste that ,Elleny? That's what real love tastes like. Pure, uncorrupted, virtuous, UNTAINTED. That's what straight- from-your-fucking-soul-love tastes like. You got me?"

He wiped the tear from my face and licked it off his thumb as he whispered "Let me put you back together. Babe, you're not broken your just damaged. Remember… bendable…not breakable" he said as he kissed my nose. I turn my head from him and say quietly "TJ, there's so much that you don't know. Things that are shattering." "Then when the time is right we'll get through it. Let me heal you Elle." I closed my eyes and laid my head against his and think the words… out loud "OK".

Chapter Seventeen

August 1995

Please, oh please let that stick be broken. This was my thought as my head was stuck down in the toilet for the third time this morning. After the last hour, I had a feeling something wasn't right, so the moment I got a break from my one on one with ole John E Crapper I packed up the kids, loaded them in the car and headed down to the drug store. I wasn't sure if I should get one or two; who can go wrong with an additional pregnancy test, and you never know when you'd need it. I hurried back home since I felt the urge coming back over me, I pulled in the drive and stuck my head out the door.

Son of a bitch! I know I'm pregnant.

The morning went by pretty slow probably, because I needed to get up there and take that test, I ended up feeding the twins lunch an hour early and then laid them down for their naps when it was their actual lunch time. I went into the bathroom, follow the directions and here I am; waiting. I set the timer for exactly the last minute it said to read it. I waited for five minutes.

Being pregnant now, was not going to be good at all. Bear didn't wait the allotted time he was supposed to wait after the last one. Having them, was getting easier now, after my first one I felt like I was a murderer who didn't deserve the two kids I had. I attempted to stay in bed for days crying, but I had two babies and I was by myself, so I grieved when I could. Bear drove me to the clinic and the only reason why he did that, was because I didn't have anyone to watch the kids, so he'd sit out in the car with the kids and then he would drop me off back off at home. I barely ate. Their dad was a fucking dick who was going to burn in hell for what he had done. These were still my babies and that son of a bitch made me get rid of all 5 of them. He was using it as a birth control. He wouldn't let me be on birth control; told me I got fat on it, so I tried sneaking it, he found my pills, beat my ass bad, bad for that one. I finally gave up; it wasn't worth it to me. Well, I was done now.

Holy Jesus, I was fucked! I was going to have to have this baby. The twins were older now; they are getting ready to turn three and were in daycare. I had a job which, this was going to suck to have to tell my boss.

Hearing the ding from the timer brought me straight back to the matter at hand. I picked the stick up to look at it and began crying. There was no chance that there weren't two pink horizontal lines. I sat down my back against the tub and thought of what was going to happen.

Speaking of King Asshole of the Fucktard clan; I hadn't seen him in weeks. Which is fine with me, I really didn't want him around here anyways. When he did he was smelling like cheap ass perfume and liquor so I knew he had been taken care of which took a lot off of me, I really didn't want him touching me, I mean, if he thought that skank girl was so beautiful and worth beating the shit out of his own wife for, there was no telling what he was sticking it to. Yuck!

Rachel and Lilly were supposed to be spending their last weekend in town with us; I told them if they didn't mind, could we take the kid's to the zoo. They loved it there, so we were planning a whole day of it. They were getting ready to finish their last year in college and I was thrilled for them. Curt, I had a feeling was getting anxious too. He ended up going to college here and he joined the police academy after and is now a police officer here in town. I'm so proud of him, plus it makes me feel a little bit safer. Daddy and Mona would come over several times a week to see the kids and to make sure I was alright. Usually, I would make dinner and we would sit down and eat, this was a great time for me. I missed my dad. I loved having spent all those months before the babies were born with him, talking, just having daughter-daddy time.

TJ has been on my mind the last couple of weeks. The dreams had stopped coming years ago and I never felt more lost. Every day I think about him and wonder where he was; does he think about me. Every year now, I get a phone call. It started the Christmas I was pregnant with the kids, I'd answer the phone and no one would say anything, well, the phone calls continue today. Every birthday and Christmas my phone rings at 7:43 and I answer and pretend it's him. I say hello and I talk to air; tell him how my days have been, how I miss someone and I always thank them for calling me.

I was cooking dinner when I heard the doorbell ring. I always had skank girl in the back of my mind, I wouldn't put anything past her.

"Who is it, I asked."

"I'm looking for Elleny Barker-Jackson, ma'am." A strange voice answered. I asked again.

"Who are you?"

"Ma'am, are you Elleny Barker-Jackson?"

Not knowing who this was, I was getting scared. Since that visit from the skank, I don't know what other trash Bear hung around and he obviously didn't care who he gives our address out to.

"Ummmm, no I'm not. She's not available."

"Ma'am, I think you're lying to me. I think your Elleny Baker-Jackson."

What the fuck!

Now I'm pissed. Who the fuck was at my door, it was like they were trying to disguise their voice.

I opened the door to bite this person's head off and freeze.

"Gotcha, Biatch!!"

Rachel was standing at my door. I wrapped my arms around her neck and hugged her as tight as I could; partly from being relieved from her scaring the shit out of me and the rest from being so happy to see her. Her and Kevin went up north for a few weeks before school started. They wanted to visit some of his family while they had the chance.

"Oh my god, you bitch! You scared the living shit outta me! What are you doing here? I'm so glad you're here! Come in, come in. I thought you weren't going to be back til Tuesday. Come see your kids."

I kept on and on, I was so excited she standing here.

She started laughing, walking through my door. I begin to shut it;

"Wait, Kevin's coming in. He's bringing the bags." She sauntered in, cigarette in hand, but not lit.

"Where are my kiddios!" she screeched. Just at that moment JoJo and Luc came running in the foyer from the living room. She threw her arms out and dropped her cigarette and ran towards them. I laughed and bent down to pick it up and see Kevin walk in behind me.

"Hey Kevin." I greeted him while he was attempting to put down the bags. I hugged him. I love Kevin. I think he wass so perfect for Rach.

Kevin and I both stood there watching New York runway model Rachel, sitting on the floor in her designer jeans and stiletto heels smothering two kids that have messy faces with kisses, while they laughed and called her Auntie Way-Shell. I giggled.

"Ya'll come on it, I've got dinner in the crock pot; I'll make you a plate. I never know when Bear will be home, so I've got plenty." I say as I led them into the kitchen.

"What are ya'll doin here?" I asked, while I scooped a large helping of mashed potatoes in a large bowl and then ladled a big helping of chicken and dumplings over the top.

Rachel started as she pulled a bracelet out of her pocket for JoJo and smiles at her. JoJo takes the "pwetty". "Well, ummmm, we'd come home as kinda a surprise, right Kev?" Rachel looked at Kevin and I looked between them as I ladled dumplings in a bowl for her. I walked towards them with their bowls and told JoJo to get up in her highchair.

"Ok. What are ya'll not telling me?" I said as I put Luc up in his highchair, my eyes never leaving these two, so as I don't miss something.

"Well, fuck Elle; we took a small honeymoon."

I stopped. "You… ummmm, ya'll got married? And you didn't call me?"

"Elle" Rachel said looking back at Kevin. I felt like I'd been ran over by a train. We had planned our weddings since we were five. Now, I know she wasn't there for mine, but Christ almighty, she at least knew about it. I didn't even know about this one. I would've at least called her and told her my maid of honor speech.

I couldn't help it, I just started crying. I wasn't mad at her. I was furious at me! Nothing in my life was going the way I wanted it to; nothing. Everything was a total fuck up and no matter how much I tried for it not to be, the worst it seemed to get. Now here it was; I wasn't even there for my sister's wedding.

She came up and hugged me "Honey, no one was there. We just went down to the court house while we were up there and did a twenty minute ceremony. It was spur of the moment, Baby-doll."

"I know" I whimpered. "I'm not mad or anything, I'm ju… ju… just sick of everything fu… fucking up."

Shit, the pregnancy hormones were already kicking in. What the fuck was wrong with me, showing my crazy out here in front of company. Good Lord, Kevin probably thinks I'm a fucking fruit loop.

I raised my head and used my shirt to wipe my eyes and nose. Yep, I'm a mother. "We had plans, Rach. I had plans and everything has totally been shit on. Everything we planned growing up together, it's all over and done with."

Rubbing my back she attempted to comfort me "I know hun, but those were little girl dreams, look what you got here…"

I looked behind her and saw my children; TJ and my children, shoving fists full of mashed potatoes in their mouths. I felt warmth settle over me right at that moment that Rachel, being his cousin was sitting right here and seeing the same vision I was; His children. I looked at her and smiled. She nodded because she knew what I was thinking.

"I love you, Rach."

"I know you do Ellie-bean. How could you not, I'm irresistible!" She joked and the three of us laughed hysterically, with the two kids joining in when they heard us.

I got the kids in their beds around eight and shut the door. I didn't want to take a chance at anything waking them up. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my girl and her new husband.

"Have you told Lils?" I asked as I raised a cup of coffee up to my lips to blow on it before I took a sip.

We were all sitting in my breakfast nook drinking coffee and eating some peach pie that I threw in the oven after my little breakdown. Rachel and I cleaned up dinner while Kevin took the bags to the room. I showed him that they would be staying in. We have five bedrooms in this house and only two are being used so they had their pick.

"I called but she didn't answer. I didn't want to leave that kind of message over a voicemail so I just figure I'll try again tomorrow."

I took another sip of my coffee. We talked about how happy their parents were at the news of the marriage. I asked if she was going to be known as Rachel Locke-Harrington or just Rachel Harrington. I knew she would keep the Locke in there; she's eighth generation.

"Ya'll stayin' til the weekend? Are we going to be able to do the zoo?" I asked, hopeful it would be longer than two days.

"Fuck yeah we're doin the zoo, but I think we might go take a couple days to go up north, maybe show him the lake we used to go to."

Oh that would be fun. Yeah, take your new husband up to where you used to go to fuck another man. Sometimes I wondered if Rachel thought stuff through before she said it.

We finished talking and by 10:30 we all were exhausted, so we headed up to bed. I turned on the alarm and locked all the doors and shut my bedroom door. I climbed into bed and dreamt.

I remembered waking up to the feeling of being suffocated and squished at the same time. I opened my eyes and felt weight on the back of me and someone's hand was over my mouth.

"Don't you fucking scream." I heard his raspy voice in my ear and smelt liquor and something musty on his hands.

"Who the fuck's car is outside? You got someone here fucking you? With my kids in the house, Whore?" I closed my eyes and just shook my head since his hand was over my mouth.

I tried to speak, but his hand just made it muffled, finally he let go but he didn't get up.

"It's Rachel and her husband Kevin, Bear. They just got married and came home to tell everyone. They're right in the other room. Why are you doing this?"

He sat up and stared at the wall behind my head; "Well then; hot, tight pussied Rachel is here, huh? I wonder if her husband would let me pound that for ole' time's sake." I just closed my eyes and laid my head back down. I was still gasping for breath, since he outweighed me by a hundred pounds.

"No?" He answered his own question. "Well, maybe I'll just pound you since I'm in the mood to tear me up some whore cunt tonight and I suggest you don't scream loud so as not to wake our guests and the babies or else you're gonna have to be very descriptive for what they'll end up seeing."