Authors: U
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trampled on by other people I hardly get upset about it anymore. Still,
I had to protest.
"You are fucking a snoop," I said. "You are no better than the other
one," I said. "Goddamnit."
"No, I am a lot better than her. I only poked into your stuff for
entertainment purposes. She read it to use it against you. She pulled
underhanded tricks to manipulate you. She was dirty. She kept
seeing her old boyfriend on the sly while demanding that you profess
your love to her. The woman had no integrity, Patrick. None. That
letter she wrote to you about her abortion was unbelievably cruel.
What sort of man do you suppose a woman like her will end up with?
Hmmm? What’s your guess?"
"I don’t know. Probably some chump," I said.
"That’s right. It will be some chump with a checkbook and nothing
else. Not that she’s going to get anything for free. I’m sure there will
always be a transaction. She even called him ‘parsimonious’ in a
letter herself, didn’t she?"
I said nothing. It was true.
Nick laughed a little before going on, adding:
"That’s great because that is what she deserves. For her, the
checkbook will always be the main attraction. She is the big loser.
I’ve been around you, man. When you are on, you are on. You are
smart and funny and hip and really care about people. When you are
here, everybody parties and has a good time. You are the life of the
party, Patrick. You are the fucking party. People dig you. Women
really dig you. Even people who don’t want to dig you end up
digging you. You are totally cool."
"Thanks, but I don’t see what it has to do with anything."
"See? See? There’s another part of your charm. I honestly don’t
think you understand how cool you are. You’ve got it all going for
you, dammit. Don’t be so blue. Megan loves you and she is yours for
the asking. And it is obvious you are in love with her. If you wanted
to hurt her back, you’ve done that but good. You’ve way overdone it,
in my opinion. She’s freaked. But there is no quarrel, my friend. It is
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over. You’ve won her heart. Don’t throw it away. Go with the
flow."
"Megan isn’t the only woman in the world," I said.
Nick wrinkled his nose, frowning.
"Okay, I just thought of something else," he said. "Remember
where you wrote in your diary that if you ever got angry or frustrated
with someone you loved you’d give them a second chance? Do you
remember? I think you wrote it right after your trip to see that other
dame in 1976. I thought it was such a great line. The perfectly
described lesson learned. But are you doing what you said you would
do? Doesn’t seem like it to me."
I hadn’t thought about writing that line for a long time. But Nick
was correct. I had written it. I clearly remembered putting it down.
"You’ve read that?"
Nick took a puff on his cigarette, nodding. "Yes, and you’ve got to
distinguish between a normal romantic shakeout and a mind fuck.
What the other one pulled was a mind fuck. With Megan, you’ve
experienced a normal romantic shakeout. There is a big difference.
Do you always want to be lonely and unhappy? Don’t you want to
win someday?"
I looked at Nick. I couldn’t think of anything to say. He was right
and I suddenly realized he was right.
Puffing on his cigarette, Nick laughed and gave me a look of smug
self-satisfaction. Older than me by five years and shorter by five
inches, Nick has bright green eyes, and curly brown hair, and the
impishness of a Leprechaun.
A sneaky little Leprechaun fuck.
All of a sudden I didn’t feel very much like leaving town anymore.
Nick was right. Dammit. I was deliberately making myself unhappy,
just like always. All the anger I felt towards Megan suddenly drained
out of me.
I felt foolish and ashamed of myself.
"What should I do now?" I asked.
"Make up with Megan. Tell her you’re sorry for being such an ass.
Tell her that you love her."
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"Right now?"
Nick thought about it for a moment. "Tell her tonight when she
comes over."
"What should I do in the meantime?"
"Unpack your shit. And then let’s stoned and drunk. Let’s get
really fucked up. Call the office. Tell them you need to take the rest
of the day off. Then we’ll get really wasted."
"Shouldn’t you be going back to work?"
"It’s nothing I can’t put off," Nick said.
I got on the phone and spoke to the boss. I told her I had a bad
burrito at lunch and wasn’t feeling so hot. The boss said she would
mark the calendar and pass the message to Megan.
Holy cow! For the rest of the afternoon I was now free as a bee!
Nick got his bong out of the closet and asked if I had any my special
African weed left.
"A couple of buds," I said.
"Ooooh yeah. A couple of buds. Perfect."
We got really stoned. Later Nick broke out his bottle of Chivas
Regal and started telling me about this Eurasian chick named Fianne
he fell in love with in Bangkok during the war. I only half listened, as
I had heard the story many times before. Fianne was both nicer and a
better fuck than Clarice, from what I have gathered.
The Chivas Regal hit me like a ton of bricks. Wham. I started
thinking about the years I spent at Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Catholic
School. What a fucking bum trip that was. Marching in lockstep.
Uniforms. Catholic bullshit. Taught to obey orders, no matter how
insane.
After a while, I saw tears running down Nick’s cheeks. The
inevitable climax to the Fianne story. I put aside my thoughts of
Catholic school as Nick went on a crying jag.
"I shoulda brought Fianne back home," he wailed. "I wanted to
take her with me but I figured that people would treat her like shit
back in Peoria."
"On account of her being half Siamese?" I said.
Nick nodded.
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"They probably would have," I said.
Nick nodded again, paused, and then started shaking his head
slowly back and forth, like my old man used to do. "That’s why you
gotta get back together with Megan," he rasped. "It is such a tiny
thing and you stand to gain so much."
"Now why should I get back with Megan?" I asked, playing devil’s
advocate. I already had my mind made up but I wanted to hear it
anyway. "Explain it to me again," I said.
"Because you are the one that needs her, my friend. You need her
bad. Have you by any chance considered what you stand to gain at
this point? Have you ever thought seriously about it?"
"What do you mean?"
An amused gleam appeared in his boozy leprechaun eyes. I
thought he was drunk but maybe not, because that’s when he sprung
the clincher.
"If you patch it up with her now and put it all behind you, I figure
you’re probably in line for some of the best sex you’ve ever had, my
friend. There’s nothing like making up after a lover’s quarrel to get a
woman’s juices flowing. Works like a charm. Mark my words."
Of all the things Nick had said, that may not have had the most
immediate and powerful impact, but it was right up there. I mean
before, when we were doing it, I could sense Megan was still kind of
holding back. Kind of.
Maybe Nick was on to something here.
"So what if we do get back together? What then?"
Nick grinned. "Name the baby after me."
* * * *
March 19, 1979
Practically a whole lifetime has passed since I decided to stay in
town. Megan and I have made up and I think things will be okay from
here on out. We took some psilocybin mushrooms to celebrate our
reconciliation and really grooved together. When the mushrooms
were at their peak, Megan kissed me and said we must leave our
problems in the past and act as though we were meeting each other for
the very first time.
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"Think of it this way," Megan said. "This is our own special life
from now on. It belongs to you and me alone. Everything that
happened before was an introduction. From this moment forward, we
are reborn."
"Yeah, I like that," I said. "We are reborn."
On the mushrooms, Megan acquired a deeply magnetic aura, tinged
ever so strangely golden. Her eyes stood out like saucers, shaded a
blue patina I think is aquamarine in color.
"I love you," I said.
"And I love you," Megan answered.
We sat on the sofa in the living room, in front of the fireplace,
listening to music, looking at each other. She wore this long-sleeved
green turtleneck sweater and tight blue jeans.
She looked so goddamned fucking beautiful in that warm,
flickering firelight. As the mushrooms started to wear off, we stood
up and danced to the music of Nick’s Boz Scaggs record. Silk
Degrees.
Once the mushrooms faded completely, we headed upstairs to bed.
However, we did not sleep. We spent hours making love. I cannot
explain how erotic and wonderful it was, not in mere words. Suffice
it to say that everything I’ve ever wanted in a lover Megan supplied in
overwhelming abundance.
It was pure heaven.
When the sun came up in the east, I felt the best I have ever felt in
my entire life, waking up with Megan in my arms.
We will be together for the rest of our lives.
Megan wants to plant a garden in Nick’s yard. He has these raised
beds he hasn’t used in years.
We should make things grow, Megan says. She intends to plant
tomatoes, corn, cucumbers, lettuce, radishes, leeks, zucchini, and all
kinds of herbs. I’m going to help.
Making love to Megan after two months apart was absolutely mind-
bending. Omigod. Everything I like and more.
Throughout, she was the most passionate and uninhibited lover you
could imagine. She tells me what she wants me to do and how to do
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it. Then Megan says what she wants me to do and makes me do it.
She is inventive and handles me expertly.
Truly an experience beyond words.
Nick was right.
I must stop briefly to adjust my briefs, for I am once again
developing an erection, just thinking about Megan.
Okay. Done.
And do I ever love lavishing affection on her sweet, beautiful,
slender, multi-orgasmic little bod! My tongue and cock were plumb
wore out afterwards and I think there may be these X’s where my eyes
used to be. I am in paradise.
Meanwhile, I feel the need to get healthy. Drink less, smoke less
dope. Concentrate my energy on my relationship with Megan and my
work.
Also keep dreaming about moving to Portland to run for the
legislature. As much as the job itself, I yearn for the adventure of
running for an elective office, of trying to get myself elected. It seems
like such a thrill.
Solitude wears me down. Writing is fun, but it estranges you from
others.
Megan and I spent this morning at Sutton Beach, sunning
ourselves. She had on her little white bikini and seeing her in that
skimpy outfit gave me a hard on a cat couldn’t scratch.
It was unusually warm for March, but with a breeze that came in
from the ocean. Man, I love the fucking coast. Josie’s church group
is visiting her in Heceta Beach, so Megan’s been staying with me at
Nick’s.
We had a great time at the beach. The sun felt good. It’s been a
long, dark, cold winter. No one was around so we did it in the dunes
behind the campground. Jesus, that knocked me out.
Megan is so hot hot hot. Incredible. I can’t fucking believe I
almost walked out on her. I’m sure glad Nick talked me out of it.
What a guy.
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Later on, we drove up to Depoe Bay, looked at books and had a
nice lunch. The Channel Book Shop has this swell collection of old
Dashiell Hammett paperbacks.
I bought three of them, including Nightmare Town. All three have
these old Dell map picture backs. I also bought an ancient Raymond
Chandler title –
Pick Up On Noon Street
, a volume of short stories.
They’re so cool. The bookstore cat they have there even seemed to
approve.
At the restaurant, I nudged Megan’s right foot with my big toe. She
slipped off her sandal and curled her foot around mine. We split a
glass of red wine and then took a walk on the beach. Offshore, we
could see gray whales blowing water spouts, as they swim to Alaska’s
Chukchi Sea with their new calves.