Phantom Riders MC - Hawk (27 page)

Seeing what Fuller had done to her, how easily he’d taken her, had changed my mind about everything. I’d been fucking brave enough to reach out and take what I’d wanted but not brave enough to keep it. For the first time in my life I was fucking afraid, afraid to grasp the happiness I could have with Audra if I didn’t let all the other shit get in the way. Rock recognized my fear, but was smart enough not to come right out and accuse me of it. He’d done it in other ways, forcing me to face the damage I’d done.

I’d hurt Audra when I’d sworn I wouldn’t.

I was the one that had to let go of the past and reach for the future. She’d let go of hers the moment she’d climbed onto my bike. I was the one that had to come to terms with the danger and chaos that was always in my life, and not letting it dictate who I let in. Somehow though she’d clawed her way in, and she was hanging on. I had to ask myself why.

The answer didn’t come to me, but all the reasons why she shouldn’t want me did. I was a fucking asshole.

Climbing onto my bike, I revved it up and spun away from the clubhouse. I reached a high and dangerous speed fast, heading away from the clubhouse, away from the fucking past, toward the woman who was my salvation.

Fuck, could I undo the damage?

Could I get Audra to give me another chance?

Chapter 28

Hawk

I opened the door to my house without knocking. Carol was sitting in front of the ceiling to floor window, staring out at the mountains and sipping what I assumed was tea or coffee. She turned and met my eyes. 

“Where is she?”

The smallest quirk to her lips was as close as she came to a smile. “She’s gone.”

My fucking heart stopped, but then I quickly drew in the panic as I realized that Audra hadn’t left the clubhouse more than an hour ago. Where the hell could she have gone in such a short time? Carol’s fucking laugh told me that she’d got me.
Bitch!

“How did that feel?” she had the nerve to ask, a knowing smile in her eyes.

“Not good,” I answered honestly.

She shrugged. “Had you come tomorrow it would have been a fact.”

I hadn’t thought it would be so soon. “You’re leaving tomorrow?” She nodded. I sank down into the chair next to her, unable to meet her eyes. The view outside tried to draw me in but I didn’t really see anything. “I fucked up.” I sighed heavily.

Carol didn’t even hesitate. “Yes, you did.”

I chuckled and turned to her. “You sure you don’t need any time to think about that?”

Her expression said,
hell no
. She took a drink. “You hurt my friend.”

I nodded. “I had my reasons, as fucked up as they are. And for what it’s worth, I never wanted to hurt her.”

“I know. Audra told me you’d warned her from the beginning that you threw women away once you were done with them. She thought it was different for her, though. You sent her mixed signals.”

How could I fucking respond to that?
I had sent her mixed signals.
Christ, when had I become such a pussy? I’d never had a hard time making a club decision, in anything, and usually once I made up my mind that was it. Nothing changed it. Why was it so fucking hard to do with Audra?             

Carol stared at me long and hard. “She told me about everything your club has done for her, Hawk. You probably saved her from a fate worse than death. Thank you for that.”

I released a long breath and nodded in acknowledgement. “I didn’t save her from Fuller.” I clamped my jaw tight, hating that she’d had to go through that. I’d always understood why some of my brothers refused to take old ladies, but the reality was fucking worse. Seeing Audra hanging there, covered in blood had fucking broken me. Even closing my eyes didn’t make the image go away.

“You’re being too hard on yourself, Hawk.” I met her brown eyes. Carol was a pretty woman. She wore minimum makeup, her brown hair cut in a kind of shaggy look that suited the shape of her face. “Could anyone have saved her from that madman?”

“He took her because she was with me.”

She nodded with understanding. “So you believe pushing her away will keep something like that from happening again? Very noble reasons, Hawk.” I got pissed at that, but she continued before I could grunt out a response. “So, did you come to say goodbye…again?”

No, I was done saying goodbye to the woman I wanted. “I came to say goodbye to you.” I made sure she fucking understood that. “Audra isn’t going anywhere.”

“You’ve changed your mind?” I could hear the relief in her tone. She seemed to think about that for a while. “Good thing I only purchased a return ticket for me.” I raised my brows at her comment, surprised at her admission. “So, are you gonna go all He-Man on her?” The glimmer in her eyes backed up the humor that I detected in her tone.

I decided I could like Carol if she hung around for a while. “Do I need to?”

She laughed softly. “You might. She came back swearing and crying, muttering under her breath about chopping off someone’s balls for being so stubborn.” Carol hesitated before ending with, “I think the name Sid was mentioned.” She got up from her chair and I watched her walk to the kitchen.

Fuck. Having Sid on my lap hadn’t been my finest move, and had been a fucked-up way of pissing off Audra enough to make her walk out the door and not come back. I’d taken the easier road to make her run, and the most damaging. I ran my hand over my face as if it would wipe the shit away and make everything clear again.

Movement outside the window drew my gaze to see Audra stepping out from the trees surrounding the property. She’d apparently gone for a walk. A few steps behind her Painter emerged. He saw me watching them from behind the glass immediately, but didn’t let on that I was there. Audra continued to walk until she turned the corner of the cabin and was out of sight.

I sucked in a deep breath and got to my feet.

I knew what I had to do.

****

Audra

The first thing I saw when I rounded the corner of Hawk’s cabin was his huge bike. I caught my breath, wondering what that meant. Maybe he just needed to get something from the house. He would be happy to learn that Carol and I were flying out in the morning. He must be inside talking to her now. I turned to Painter, undecided about whether or not I should go inside. He wasn’t much help, giving me a slight shrug.

The door opened, and Hawk stepped out onto the porch. Our gazes clashed, and I tried to force a smile. The anger I’d felt earlier at seeing him with Sid had evaporated, but the hurt was still there, and the pain at knowing that he didn’t want me. I paused, watching as he stepped down the steps and came my way. For each step closer he moved, my body responded in a thousand little pleasant ways, reminding me what his mouth on my nipples felt like, the rough passion behind the glide of his hand up my thigh, his total earth-shaking possession. Other than a little hand-holding in the hospital, the last time he’d touched or kissed me was on his bike the night of my attack. I missed his touch. I knew I shouldn’t have been thinking about that right now but I couldn’t help it.

I breathed in deeply, trying to control my emotions at seeing him again. I didn’t want to think about him touching Sid, but the visual of her naked and grinding on his lap just wouldn’t go away. He gave Painter a look, motioning him away with a jerk of his head. I braced myself when he stopped directly in front of me, looking every bit the stubborn, bad-ass biker, untouchable, yet sexy as hell.

“Can we talk?” There was something in his tone that I’d never heard before, defeat, and something else, resignation.

“I went to the club to talk to you,” I reminded him. His being there made me nervous, and I purposely closed myself off to him, unwilling to let him hurt me again. “You sent me away with a vision of Sid practically fucking you and the words, ‘
I don’t want you
”.

Hawk actually winced. “I’m here now.”

I wanted to say,
so
? The damage was done, and I was finished being a human yoyo to him. I got that his club was dangerous and was in constant chaos, I recognized what being part of it would mean. Apparently he didn’t want me enough to take a chance, and that hurt most of all. There were no guarantees in life.

“I loved a woman once,” he began, breaking the silence. “An older, beautiful woman. I gave Sonya everything, including a baby she eagerly aborted.”
Ohmygod!
I gasped, never expecting to hear something like that. I waited for Hawk to go on. “Turned out that she was a mole for the Russian mob, sent in to get information, and I was the sucker she set her sights on. In the end a lot of brothers died, and she practically destroyed the club, all because I’d refused to listen to their warnings. I let her in, Audra, gave her too much.” He made a harsh sound. “She taught me some very valuable lessons.”

Fuck.
Apparently she’d taught him all the wrong lessons. My eyes burned with tears and I clamped my mouth tight to keep my lips from trembling, but I couldn’t draw my eyes from Hawk’s. The hatred he felt for himself was exposed in his tight expression. Besides the anger there was something else in his dark eyes that scared me. I wanted to remind Hawk that I wasn’t Sonya, I was nothing like her, but when I opened my mouth nothing would come out.

Without warning he closed the distance between us. His hands came up and then he was cupping the sides of my face, pulling us even closer until the tips of our noses were touching. “I’m so fucking sorry, babe. I never meant to hurt you.” His lips caressed mine in a way that was slow and tender, and nothing like the deep take-it-all kind of kiss I was used to from him. His kiss spoke volumes. This was Hawk saying that he was more than sorry.

This was Hawk giving himself to
me
.

“I’ve been so fucking wrong, about a lot of shit, babe.” He ran his nose over the tip of mine.

“You’re stubborn.” He grinned at that. “Thank you for telling me, Hawk.” I had a ton of questions to ask, but now wasn’t the time. “But I’m not like Sonya.”

“I know that now, and that’s not the only reason you should leave with your friend Carol.” I stiffened and started to pull away, I didn’t want to hear why again, but he tightened his hold and kept me against him. “I said
should
, babe. The only place you’re going is up to my bed where I’m gonna fuck you until the sun comes up tomorrow.”

His words made me shiver with need. I liked the sound of that, so I ignored his remark about why I should leave. Besides, I knew that Hawk was talking about trouble surrounding his club. Carol and I had done some research about motorcycle clubs in the past couple of weeks. I had a better understanding of Hawk’s way of life now, the running of the motorcycle club, the hierarchy, and bylaws. It wasn’t a game when they wore a one percent patch on their cuts. From what we’d read MC’s were deep in illegal activities, but they also ran legitimate businesses to cover it up. They were very visual members of society and donated a lot of money to worthwhile causes.

They were also known to be dangerous and violent outlaws.

Could I live with that?

Yes!
But I didn’t want to make it too easy for Hawk. He’d hurt me, even if it had been under the guise of taking care of me, and seeing that bitch Sid on his lap, seeing her grinding her nasty ass all over him, was a raw wound in my mind. I frowned, chewing on my lower lip, enjoying the worry growing in his eyes as more time passed.

“You do know walking in and seeing another woman sitting on your lap hurts, right, Hawk?” I said against his warm mouth, hardly recognizing my croaky voice. My emotions were running raw, torn with understanding the hurt that he must have suffered with Sonya, and his slightly high-handed comment that I was staying.

Typical alpha male and I loved it.

“Baby, as sick as this sounds, the scene you walked in on with me and Sid was planned. I knew you were coming.” I’d known Painter would call him! Hawk wouldn’t let me pull away when I’d tried because he was right, it was sick. “I thought it would be the quickest way to send you running.”

“You know what hurt the most, Hawk?” He shook his head. “You telling me that you didn’t want me.”

“A lie, babe.” He crushed me against him roughly. “I was lying to myself more than I was lying to you.”

I digested that, looking for other grievances to throw at him while I had the upper hand. “You stayed away for three weeks. Once you found out in the hospital that I was going to be okay you just walked away.” He needed to know how much he’d hurt me, but also how important he was to me. “Don’t you realize that
you
were the reason I wanted to heal?” It was an eye-opener, I could see the dawning in his stubborn eyes. A sudden thought occurred to me, and I knew that I had to know the answer. “If I hadn’t come to the club today, would you be here now?”

He sighed deeply, and I could tell that I wasn’t going to like what he was about to say. “Probably not.” I immediately wanted to take back my question. God, the truth hurt. “But I would have come to you eventually, once I realized that I don’t want to,
can’t
, face a fucking day without you. It’s been a long time since I let anyone in, babe. I’d convinced myself I didn’t need what you were offering. The sex, yeah, not all that other crap. Everything inside me was dead. I’d lived too many fucking years without anyone but my brothers.” I could understand that. His powerful hands tucked my hair behind my ears, his gaze intent on mine.