Philip Van Doren Stern (ed) (182 page)

A
sudden
panic
leaped
within
my
heart
and
rolled
into
my
ears
like a
beaten
drum;
and
that
rage
of
fear
was
my
memory,
sprung
suddenly
from
nowhere,
of
the
hands
that
had
gripped
and
released
each other;
of
the
eyes
that
had
flashed
upon
eye
and
lip;
of
the
bodies
that had
swung
tenderly
sideways
and
fell
languidly
away
again.

And
at
that
my
mind
emptied
itself
of
thought,
and
I
saw
nothing, heard
nothing,
was
nothing.
Only
in
my
head
there
came
again
a
sudden
great
throb
as
though
a
muffled
bell
had
thudded
inside
it.
My hands
went
out
without
any
direction
from
me;
they
gripped
on
the door;
and,
with
the
strength
of
ten
men,
I
pulled
on
it.

It
fell
to
with
a
crash
which
might
have
been
heard
about
the earth;
and
yet
which
let
through
one
infinitesimal
fraction
of
sound; a
beginning
of
sound
only;
so
tiny,
it
could
scarcely
be
heard,
so
tense that
the
uproar
of
doom
could
not
have
covered
that
sound
from
my ear.

It
began
and
it
never
finished,
for
it
never
continued.
Its
beginning was
caught
and
prevented;
but
within
my
ear
it
continued
and
completed
itself,
as
a
scream
which
I
should
never
cease
to
hear;
while
still with
hanging
jaw
and
fixed
eyes
I
stared
at
the
closed
door.

I
walked
away.

I
turned
from
the
place
and
went
slowly
in
the
direction
we
had come.

I
was
a
walking
statue;
a
bodily
movement
only;
for
the
man
within had
temporarily
ceased
to
be.
Within
I
was
a
silence
brooding
on silence
and
darkness.
No
smallest
thought,
no
stir
towards
thinking crept
in
my
mind;
but
yet
I
was
not
quite
as
a
dead
man
walking, for
something
was
happening
...
I
was
listening.
I
was
listening
for them
to
speak
in
my
heart.
.
.
.

And
then
i
began
to
run;
a
steady
pelt
of
running,
as
though
I
could run
away
from
them,
mewed
in
that
stony
den,
and
yet
liable
to shriek
on
me
from
the
centre
of
my
being.

Again
the
change
to
the
eye
brought
change
to
the
mind;
and when
I
sighted
the
great
building
all
glimmering
with
lights
I
came to
my
breathless
self.

I
went
to
the
stables;
found
my
man;
and
in
five
minutes
was
in the
saddle,
and,
with
him
behind,
went
plunging
through
the
darkness
towards
my
own
place.

How
often
during
that
ride
did
I
clench
my
hand
to
pull
on
the rein
and
go
back
to
release
them.
Every
minute,
every
second,
I
was going
to
do
it.
But
every
minute,
every
second,
my
hand
refrained from
pulling
on
the
horse,
and
my
heels
gave
her
notice
to
go
yet faster.