judge,” Devon said, kicking back in the chair and pushing
himself so that he was teetering on the back two legs.
Blake sighed and said, “I suppose,” and that was that.
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lake didn’t really know what was going on, in his head
B or otherwise, when he got out of class that evening. He
was pretty sure he hadn’t retained a single detail about what
the professor had been talking about, but that was all right
considering he’d aced the class in high school and it was just
a refresher for more intense science classes.
No, the reason it bothered him was because his mind had
been focusing on everything that had happened in the last
couple of days. It all felt a little weird to him, that so many
people were suddenly interested in him, even in a friendly
manner, or in Dominic’s case, not so friendly.
He was still reeling over Riley’s casual revelation, and he
still couldn’t quite bring himself to believe it because it just
sounded so crazy to him. He’d been convinced for so long
that he was just the trans kid that was going to be alone for
the rest of his life. No one wanted to deal with a
half-transitioned weirdo like him after all. Especially not
someone like Dominic.
The idea that someone was interested in him made him
shiver. Normal people would have been thrilled at the
thought of having people around him for once, people who
liked him and understood him, but it honestly kind of scared
him. At the same time, he was desperate to have someone
that close to him, who understood and loved him enough to
accept him in his half-transitioned state. That desire was
quiet but so intense it burned sometimes.
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He didn’t like admitting that to himself.
He was waiting for one or all of them to decide he was too
much and walk away. The one he was most terrified of
doing that was Ethan, whom he’d known the longest. The
thought of Ethan leaving him was crippling.
He went back to his dorm after class, knowing that Devon
wasn’t going to be there. He stepped into the empty room
and tossed his bag down carelessly, letting himself sink onto
his bed with a heavy sigh before he moved to take his head
into his hands with a heavy sigh.
He felt the sudden urge to cry and he hated that. Boys
didn’t cry, right? Here he was, though, teetering near that
edge where coherent thought was just a no-go and he let
himself get taken down into the vortex of his poisonous
thoughts.
He took a shaky inward breath and shook his head, trying
to just shake it off. His father had taunted him with those
words, treating him like the boys he coached on the baseball
team. He didn’t want to think about him, though, because
that’d just make it worse.
He decided to focus on his mother, and he wondered
what she was doing. She was probably working all the time
to stay away from her husband. Blake never understood
quite why she stayed with him when she couldn’t really
stand him, but it wasn’t his business to try and separate
them.
He sighed and just shook his head, leaning over to his
laptop and turning on Stone Temple Pilots to calm him
down. He didn’t want to linger on it like this, he never did,
but somehow his mind always took him back to it.
He could have sworn he’d left his angst back in high
school, but it’d only gotten worse lately. He was starting to
really hate the fact that he kept lapsing into obvious silences
that even near-strangers could notice. At least now they
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weren’t picking on him for it though, so that was a good sign
he supposed. They actually cared and asked, instead of just
laughing at him for being a freak and being depressed.
Blake finally just sucked it up and grabbed blindly for his
cell phone, flipping it open and unlocking the keyboard
before typing in his mother’s phone number. The only
person he could talk to without fail when he was like this
was her. Sometimes not even Ethan could help him because
it seemed he was feeding more into the problem at the
moment.
He laid back on his bed with a sigh and listened to the
shrill ring of the dial tone and then the ringing that came
with listening to the three rings his mother always waited
before picking up the phone.
“Hey, sweetheart” she answered like she always did, and
Blake smiled a bit with a soft sigh, relaxing back into his bed.
He always felt better after talking to his mother and maybe
this time wouldn’t be any different. Hell, he was banking on
it.
“Hey, Mom,” he replied, turning onto his side and curling
into himself, cradling his phone between the bed and his
head, shutting his eyes and just listening to her.
“How are you, honey?” she asked in a soft voice. “I’ll take
by your silence that not so good?” she finally guessed after
moments of quiet silence where he just listened to the sound
of her breathing.
“Not really,” he said, sighing and rubbing over his
forehead. “I mean I guess I’m doing okay, but I can’t stop
thinking and I hate it. I keep thinking about my transition
and how nothing seems to change no matter what I do. I feel
like I should just go back and be like
hey, guess what, psyche,
I’m a girl after all
, you know?”
“Blake, I know better than anyone that you shouldn’t do
that, because this is what makes you happy,” his mother
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said in her quiet, gentle but firm tone of voice, the
dichotomy working to soothe him in a way that no one and
nothing else could.
Blake sighed and processed what his mother had just said
for a moment, biting his lip and letting the words warm him
and calm him, but there was still one thing that bothered
him. It was bothering him very much, in fact. Some part of
him didn’t want to say it, but he knew somewhere that he
had to.
“You do think of me as your son, right?” he asked in a
childish voice after a moment. He hated that he’d let that
slip, but it was a question that had been burning inside him
for a long time. He knew this transition was just as hard on
his mother as it was on him.
“Baby,” his mother started, trailing off with a sigh. He
could tell she was thinking pretty hard about her answer to
him. Which wasn’t a good sign, he thought bitterly to
himself. “It’s hard sometimes because you were my baby
girl, but if this is what makes you happy, yes, I do think of
you as my son
because
that’s what makes you happy. You’re
my child, what gender you are doesn’t matter at the end of
the day.”
“Mom, stop it. You’re gonna make me cry,” Blake
mumbled half into the pillow and half into the speaker as he
sighed a little. “It’s just…there’s this guy at school. He’s
always bullying me and making fun of me, and my friend
Riley said it’s probably because he likes me. I think that’s so
backwards, Mom. I don’t get it.”
“Some guys are like that, Blake,” his mother said in a
compassionate, understanding tone. “Hell, your father was
like that. He’d pick on me so much during school. Then one
day during a party he was drunk and asked me out. Don’t
even ask me why I said yes,” she paused to laugh, “but I’m
kind of glad I did.”
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“Why?” Blake asked, turning back onto his back with a
sigh. He couldn’t imagine enduring someone like his father
or Dominic, let alone live with him willingly. He absolutely
could not imagine loving him like he knew his mother loved
his father. The reason itself had always eluded him, though.
“Because if I’d never gotten with him, I’d never have you,
baby,” she said, and Blake quirked a small smile, shaking his
head and throwing his arm over his face with a soft sigh. It
didn’t make much sense to him because she could have left
him at any time. Hell,
he
would have.
“I guess that’s a good point. Don’t you ever get sick of
him being a dumbass, though?” Blake asked, his tone a little
hesitant because he still wasn’t sure how his mother felt
about his father considering how stupid he could be
sometimes.
“Honestly? Yeah, I do. A lot of times, actually, but I love
him, so I endure it,” his mother said, and Blake shook his
head with another heavy sigh. It wasn’t good to just endure
someone or at least that was how he thought.
“Mom, you’re weird. I could never do that,” he told her,
smiling a bit when he heard her laugh. It was soft and high,
like the soft chiming of bells and that soothed him even
further.
“I know I’m weird. Where do you think you got it from,
your dad? Not likely,” she said, and he finally let out a soft
laugh. It was true—he was very strange and he knew his
father hated it. “Oh, I heard that! Did I make you laugh?”
“Yes,” Blake replied with another laugh, shaking his head
and sitting up with another heavy exhale, running his hand
through his hair. “So, all that did was make it seem like
Dominic’s crushing on me. Which I don’t want because he’s
a fucking dick and I couldn’t handle it the way you can.”
“You really don’t like him, do you?” his mother said with
half-amused laugh.
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“No, I don’t. He calls me Jillian and refuses to call me
Blake. I fucking hate him for it, and my friends have noticed
because Riley beat the shit out of him for it,” Blake said,
laughing a little.
“Well, good to know you have friends like that, baby. You
deserve them,” she said.
I don’t think so, he thought deprecatingly to himself, but
that wasn’t something he was going to say to his mother.
“Yeah, I guess. Riley’s pretty protective even though he’s a
relatively new friend, and we all know Ethan’s a good
friend,” he said with a small smile as he leaned back on the
wall. The fondness he felt for his best friend always leaked
into his voice and he couldn’t help it.
“How is Ethan, anyway?” she asked.
“He’s doing all right, I guess. He’s rooming with Dominic
this semester so it’s been rough for him and we only have a
couple classes together, but I see him after class and all that,”
he explained. “Last night we watched Donnie Darko until
Dominic came home and tried to pick a fight with me.”
“So, Ethan’s rooming with the guy who’s bullying you?
Isn’t that ironic,” his mother said in a dry voice, and Blake
laughed a little, nodding even though he knew damn well
that she couldn’t see it.
“Yeah, it’s pretty ironic, huh?” he said quietly. “He’s been
acting weird, though. Like my roommate, Devon, asked the
two of us if we were dating, and he got all quiet when I said
we were just friends.”
“Ohh,” she said, a sympathetic note in her tone. “Baby, I
think he’s…”
“No, don’t say he’s in love with me, Mom. That’s
ridiculous,” Blake cut her off, shaking his head and rubbing
at his eye with the heel of his palm. He didn’t want to think
of the implications that came with it.
“Well, baby, it sounds like he’s at least got a crush on
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you,” she continued anyway, and Blake let out a
long-suffering sigh. He hadn’t wanted to hear it. All it did
was add to the confusion he was feeling.
“Mom! I said I didn’t want to hear it,” he said with
another sigh.
“Baby, I know, but I think it’s true and I think you need to
be aware of it, especially if he’s distant and upset after all
that,” she said, another kind of sympathetic tone to her
voice.
“I know. I mean, I knew that to begin with, but I didn’t
want to admit it,” Blake said, scratching at the base of his
skull in confusion. He’d wondered for a while what it’d be
like to be more than friends with Ethan, but he’d never had
the courage to admit it, let alone make the first move.
“You’re probably gonna need to talk to him about it, B,”
she told him, and he rolled his eyes.
“I know, Mom. Trust me, I know,” he told her. “Look, I’m
gonna go. I have a lot of reading to do for Personality Psych
and I should get it done before the weekend.”
“O-okay, baby. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” She sounded