Picking Up the Pieces (39 page)

Chapter 40: Lily

Losing Adam felt like just that: a loss. When he broke up with me, walked out my door, and effectively out of my life, I had been stunned. But once my senses had returned, I found that I wasn't angry. Because while there was the pain that comes with losing someone of importance to you, there was also a loss of the weight I had been shouldering for quite some time. We weren't right for each other. I knew that for sure now
.

In reality, I was pretty sure I'd known that for
a while. But it became clearest at Amanda's wedding. Adam and I just didn't have the spark they did. And even though Amanda told me not to compare the two relationships, it was impossible
not
to when one had things that were fundamentally necessary to lifelong happiness and the other didn't: unconditional love and acceptance. Everything between Adam and me was conditional. And I suddenly realized that we always had an expiration date. That we'd actually allowed things to go on long past when they should have.

And these were the thoughts that
had plagued me for the three weeks following my breakup with Adam. During this time there'd been no contact between us. I had done a quick search of my apartment a few days after Adam left to see if I had any of his belongings that needed to be returned, but there was nothing. And I had nothing to collect at his house either. Other than a couple of pictures I had of the two of us, there was virtually no evidence that we'd ever even known each other, let alone dated. And as time passed, I became more and more sure that Adam had done the right thing by walking away. And I had done the right thing by not stopping him.

Howeve
r, now I had nothing but time—time to think and obsess about what I wanted from life. I was driving myself crazy. When the soul-searching became too much, I often decided that CrossFit was the only way to escape from myself for a little while. That's what drew me to the gym on the Friday before school let out. I hadn't planned to go because I usually felt like a loser going to the gym on a Friday evening. But since that was what I felt like anyway, there was no real reason to keep up appearances of anything else.

I walked into the gym and my eyes scanned the room as I started to stretch. But my movement halted when my eyes settled on him. The blaring rock music thumped in time with my heart as my whole body reacted to seeing him. It had been over a month since I'd last spoken to him. And though I refused to admit it at the time, what he had said to me that morning at breakfast had shaken me to my core
—had made me question every feeling I'd had in the past year and a half. Made me wonder . . .

"Hey,
" Max said.

I hadn't even registered that his class had ended and that he currently stood directly in front of me. It took every ounce of willpower I had to resist scanning his body, to ignore the post-workout glow that emanated from him.
Goddamn, he's so fucking sexy.

"Hey," I finally managed.

We stood there for a second, both struggling to find something to say. But what could be said? He'd laid it all out for me. Gift wrapped himself and dropped himself at my feet. And I'd refused him.

"How's Mary?"
Wow, Lily. Worst. Question. Ever.

He looked at me curiously for a second before
simply replying, "That's done. Like I told you, I just can't do that to her. She deserves better."

I wanted to disagree. Because if there's one thing I knew,
there was no better than him.

"How's Adam?"

I shouldn't have been shocked by this question, but I was. "I'm, uh, I'm not sure actually."

He tilted his head, trying to read the meaning behind my words.

"He and I . . . it didn’t work out.”

He was unreadable, except for the intake of a shaky breath. He quickly plastered on that cocky gri
n of his. "I wish I could say I’m sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, well, it's for the best. I think I just need some time. You know, to figure my shit out." My words were a cop out. Telling him I needed time was my way of brushing him off, and avoiding having to face my feelings about him. Because while I was attracted to Max, and while a part of me would always love him, I wasn't sure we were what was best for each other.
He represented everything I had tried to change about myself. And while I didn't necessarily like the person I had morphed into, I didn't really like who I'd been back then either.

He nodded slowly, and watching him caused pain to ripple through my chest.
Why am I always hurting him?

"Well, I hope you get it all figured out." His words were sincere, as was his heated gaze.

"Thanks."

"Bye, Lily."

And that's when something broke through. Adam had said these same words to me, and I'd barely flinched. But Max saying them caused panic to seize my body. His words held a finality that caused my stomach to bottom out, and I just couldn't let this be it.

So against all reason, against all the things I had told myself were for the best, I stopped him. "Max?"

He exhaled deeply, causing his shoulders to drop from the place of tension they had been. He slowly turned and looked back at me.

"There’s
talk of the teachers at Swift all meeting for happy hour next Friday at Flanagan's. We're going to be celebrating making it through another school year. If you're not busy, I'm sure all of the teachers would love to see you."

He thought for a second before answering. "Would
you
love to see me there?"

Why couldn't he ever just let things be easy?
I rolled my eyes, trying to downplay what he was asking. "Yes, I'd like to see you there." I couldn't keep the grin from my face, so I stopped trying.

"Then I'll be there," he said before turning away from me and walking out of the gym.

And as I watched his perfectly shaped ass go, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell I was getting myself into.

***

The next week was brutal. My emotional state swung like a hormonal teenager's. One minute, I was questioning if I'd tried hard enough with Adam, the next I was thinking about giving things a try with Max. And then I contemplated if a bigger slut had ever graced the globe. However, I quickly thought of some of the female twats I worked with, and felt reassured.

But this was still wrong . . . wasn't it?
Adam and I had been in a serious relationship for months. I couldn't jump into another one less than a month later. And did I even
want
a relationship with Max? I'd shunned the idea for a year and a half, and I see him sweat-soaked after a workout one day, and now all of a sudden I want to commit to the guy? That was ridiculous. Totally ridiculous.

And fucking appealing on so many levels.

And that's when my mind drifted to Atlantic City, and to the words Max had told me there. For the first time since that day, I allowed Max's voice to invade my thoughts.

I know the difference between reality and illusions.
And I know that the Lily I was close to was much more real than the one who’s standing in front of me right now.

He was right. This girl. She wasn't me. I had spent so much time forcing myself to grow up, to be the mature woman who wouldn’t make stupid mistakes that hurt people just because I wanted to follow what felt good.
But this Lily wasn’t any better than that one. At least who I had been a year ago was real: the emotions, the mistakes, the chaos. It was all so much more real than this projection I was now. I was
alive
then. I was merely existing now.

I wanted to cry for that girl: the one I left behind last summer when I decided to “find” myself in Europe.
But I couldn’t. Or
wouldn’t
maybe. This was the culmination of my decisions. There was no one to blame but myself. I couldn't go back. I couldn’t un-become who I was.

Could I?

And that's when it hit me. I had blamed my impulsivity on Max since I’d met him, telling myself that he brought these things out of me. But he didn't. They were part of who I was. He just let me feel safe enough to express it.

***

By the time I plopped myself on a stool next to Tina at the bar, I had convinced myself that getting involved with Max beyond a platonic level was a mistake. I'd hurt enough men for one lifetime. I wasn't in a place to get involved with Max. At least not right now. Or maybe not ever. Or
. . .
who the hell knew? But definitely, unequivocally, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was
not
getting involved with him anytime soon.
Nope, not gonna happen.

Then I saw him
—his faded jeans slung low on his waist, his tight grey T-shirt stretching over his tightly corded muscles, his intentionally messy black hair perfectly highlighting his electric blue eyes. My decision to wear a skirt had been a bad one because it didn't offer nearly enough protection from the flood of Biblical Noah proportions that was occurring in my underwear.

I had convinced myself
that morning that my wardrobe choice had been due to the extreme heat we were experiencing,
and the fact that Swift's air conditioning wasn't turned on unless required by law. But seeing him in all his glory shot that lie to shit. I was dressed for him: an appropriate, yet form-fitting skirt and a white pin-striped blouse hugged me in a way that made me feel attractive. And once I popped open an extra button or two, the look screamed "sexy teacher."

He scanned the room, looking for me and tipped his head in my direction once our gazes finally met.

"Oh my God, look who's here."

I looked to my left to see where the voice had come from.
Ugh, fucking Crystal Hightower
. Even her name sounded like she should’ve been starring in porn, and the fake tits she threw in everyone’s face did nothing to dispute the association. I wasn’t exactly sure how Crystal had become a teacher. She was dumber than driftwood. She must’ve spent a lot of time on her knees in college. I vaguely remembered her lavishing her attention on Max last year, but I'd been too caught up in my own relationship with him to pay her much attention.

Max started making his way over, but was stopped by a few teachers before he got to me.

              “I've just decided that Max Samson is going to be my summer fling,” she purred to her gaggle of gremlins as she slid her drink onto the bar, pulled her shirt down, and shimmied her shoulders to get the girls ready for action.

             
My eyes widened as I listened while she told her creatures of the night entourage about her plans for Max, which were shockingly detailed considering she hadn't been expecting to see him. It seemed that she intended to fuck him senseless until he basically handed her his wallet and gave her free rein over his bank account.

             
“Kind of like an escort.” Clearly my mouth possessed about as much of a filter as the water fountain at work. Tina nearly choked on her drink as she heard me, and I sensed Crystal turn in my direction.

             
“Did you say something to me, Lily?” Her eyes were glacial as she appraised me.

             
God, what I wouldn’t give to mollywhop the shit out of this trick.
“No,” I said innocently. “Just talking to Tina.”

Max finally appeared at my side. "How's it goin', Lil?"

"Good. You remember Tina," I replied, holding out my hand in her direction.

"Yup.
How ya doin’, Tina?"

Tina's eyebrows raised before she turned toward her drink. "Everything's fine with
me.
" I couldn't help notice the sly smile on her lips. She knew fireworks were coming, and she was looking forward to the show.

Max eyed her curiously for a moment before looking at me. "Man, it looks like the whole school is here. It's good to see everybody."

"Yeah, it's good to get out with everyone and talk about things other than school once in a while."

"Hi, Max."
Crystal's voice was like nails on a chalkboard, and I wanted to beat her over the head with my stool for interrupting us.

"Oh, uh, hey."
Max clearly didn't remember Crystal's name, and it thrilled me.

"Crystal," she said, smiling sweetly, though I thought I saw a slight wince of disappointment on her face. Or maybe embarrassment. I hoped it was both.

"Yeah, right. Crystal. Nice to see you." Max was polite, but he shifted closer to me.

"You too. Really nice."

The seduction in her voice made a laugh burst from my mouth. Everyone in our vicinity whipped their heads to gawk at me, so I quickly released a cough to cover my outburst. "Sorry. Wrong pipe," I lied.

"Anyway, Max, the bartender has been completely ignoring this half of the bar. Do you think you could get me a drink?"

I couldn't believe the balls on this skank. She'd been talking to him for all of two seconds, and she was already asking for him to buy her drinks. I was about ready to shank this ho.