Pickles The Parrot Returns: My Continued Adventures with a Bird Brain (2 page)

As we talked, I could see that Pickles was
getting more and more agitated and he was trying his darndest to
get her attention. “Helloooooo! Good morning!” he shouted, to no
avail. His wings started splaying out of desperation as he sat on
the bottom corner of his playstand until he finally allowed his
wings to carry him to the couch arm opposite the snotty lady. Being
intent on our conversation, she never noticed Pickles land then
race across the back of the couch to the back of her head. Just as
Pickles arrived, she sat back to get more comfortable and Pickles
screamed in her ear “BUGGERBUTT!” Well! She about hit the ceiling!
She spun her head, found herself eyeball to eyeball with Pickles
and freaked again. She flung her arm, quick as a wink to swoosh him
off which startled Pickles into flapping a foot or two in the air
before he plunked down right in the middle of her lap. She froze in
horror, trying to melt in to the couch as Pickles crapped on her
skirt. “He POOPED on me!” she cried in disgust.

I jumped up to grab Pickles saying “Don’t
wipe it off, it’ll just rub right in to your skirt” and she spat
“Don’t WORRY!” as she wasn’t about to go near it anyway. As I
picked up Pickles he announces, “Everybody poops” (which caused me
to burst into a laugh) then added, “Wanna snack”. He doesn’t get
snacks for pooping on laps but man, I sure wanted to reward him for
that because she deserved it! I cleaned off her skirt (without
apologizing) and we finished our meeting as quickly as possible.
I’m not sure who was more icy and indignant, her or me.

Had she just glanced at Pickles and made some
polite remark, it would have made me more sympathetic to her
situation but she not only ignored him, she almost hurt him to
boot. I know it was just a reflex on her part but I was in no mood
to feel bad about the situation. Poop on her, I say.

There’s someone else who loves Pickles’ poop.
Our little, six pound Min Pin, Neeka, will awake from below a couch
blanket at the sound of plopping bird poop. This is snack time for
him. Now
that,
I admit, is disgusting. No
matter what we try, we can’t get Neeka to stop. For awhile, he was
trained not to do it when we were in the room but the minute we
weren’t, he’d go for everything on the mats below Pickles’ areas.
Finally, we just gave up. Guests are revolted and I’ve even
witnessed the odd gag reflex. I recently heard about a product
available from veterinarians that you can feed to dogs to keep them
from eating their own poop, or another dog’s poop. I really must
look into that.

Pickles even tried to train him. One day,
while on the corner of his playstand, Pickles started shaking his
booty while calling “Neeka. Neeka, come.” He called, shook his body
in poop preparation and waited, called, shook and waited until
Neeka arrived, staring up at Pickles to see what he wanted. “Poop”
said Pickles, then he pooped and spun around quickly to watch and
just as Neeka went to lap it up, Pickles hollered “NO POOP! BAD!”
Neeka didn’t heed him, Pickles didn’t punish him, so the dog got a
snack and Pickles had a good laugh.

Pickles spends a lot of time on the back of
the couch, staring out the window and when he needs to poop, he
warns us with a rapid “oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!” so we have time to get
the TV guide under his butt. If we’re walking around with him on
our hand, he’ll let us know it’s time to poop so we can get him
above some paper, or above a sink. He likes to get it down the
drain and shows his delight with a little ‘chew’ sound. I’ve often
wondered if other Greys make this sound because Pickles always
expresses pleasure with this remark. It sounds sorta like the back
half of a dainty little sneeze – ah-
choo.

Yes, bird poop is so precious; our friend
Tamber even makes Poop Jewelry for us to wear around our necks.

It was quite easy to train Pickles and we
trained him from a very early age. The way we did it was to wait
for a time that we knew he was due to poop, hold him on our hand
with paper below and tell him “poop on the paper” and keep telling
him until he did. We knew he had to go every 15 minutes or so, so
it didn’t take long for him to poop. The second he did, he was
rewarded with “Good Boy! Poop on the paper!” and simultaneously
handed a snack. He’s not really what you would call potty trained.
He doesn’t always go to a matt that is situated beneath his play
areas but more often than not, he does.

A typical conversation around here is …

Pickles: “Wanna poop?”

Me: “Nope.”

Pickles: “Doncha hafta poop?”

Me: “Um, I don’t thinks so.”

Pickles: “Hafta poop.”

Me: “Fine, go ahead.”

Pickles poops.

Pickles: “I did a poop – wanna snack.”

Me: “Good for you – here’s your snack.”

Pickles: “Wanna poop.”

Me: “Yeah right.”

Pickles: “Wanna poop for a potato.”

Me: “Fine, go ahead.”

Pickles: Gives me the raspberry because he
knows he’s fresh out of poop.

Yup, our world revolves around poop.

“
MOMMY!  When you put
that lump of crud in my bowl, I just assumed I wouldn't like
it. Just as I tossed it with my beak, I got a taste of it AND LIKED
IT but it was too late, it was flying out of my mouth!  Could
I have more please?  The dog ate mine.”

“
I have learned that
it is important to eat because food is an important part of a
balanced diet.”

“
I was looking at all the
food and stuff I dropped on the floor and I thought, wouldn't it be
weird if it all came alive and like, started yelling for help
because the ants were coming and I’d be like, shut up food or I’ll
eat you alive. You know, cuz food shouldn't be noisy.”

“
There are 3 rules for
bananas. 1) no core 2) cut it up, bite size 3) no icky stringies.
Mom got 2 out of 3 right today but she's picking the 3rd one out of
her eyelashes. If you can't obey the rules, you must pay the
price.”

“
MOM! If you're gonna put
grape juice in my bowl, I’m gonna wade in it!  If you don't
want it all over my feet and the walls, serve it to me on a spoon
like you’re supposed to!  Are you an idiot or
something?”

“
I dare to dare.  I
dare you to dare me.  I am daring.  And I am
strong.  So strong and daring that today I managed to pick up
a jar of pickles by the lid lip and flip it into the sink. 
Take that little pickles!  They that dare to take my
name!”

“
Originally, spoons weren't
invented for eating.  Originally, they were called Beak
Tappers and were made for mommy's to tap birdie beaks with. 
Centuries later, people discovered they were good for eating
too.  Another good use, is tossing them.  Today, after
some good beak tapping, I grabbed the Beak Tapper and
tossed it into mommy's face.  Turns out mama doesn't like her
beak tapped.  Guess it's a bird thing.”

“
When I’m finished eating
cottage cheese off a spoon and you don't want it thrown across the
room, get the stupid spoon OUT OF MY FACE!”

“
I think a good invention
would be banana that scratches your head and gives you beak
rubs.  How 'bout it Science?”

“
Mom asked me if
I wanted a snack and I said "Like what?" and she said "I
dunno, what do you want?"  I said "How about a
lizard?" and she said "What do you mean, a lizard?"  I
said "I dunno, you started this."“

“
I ate some supper last
night and then I went to play with some toys.  Mom came over
and asked "Was it a good supper?  Did you eat good?"  And
I said "No, I made a few mistakes."“

“
I just told mommy that I
want to eat some juice. She told me that you can't eat juice, you
drink it. Well! I looked it up in the dictionary and it says - Eat:
to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment. That's exactly
what I wanted to do! Drink your words old woman!”

Finding foods that Pickles will eat is one
of the most challenging issues we have. We present him with new and
interesting items often. Neil and I will come home, all happy and
excited to present some unique find and present it to him, thinking
“Oh My God, he’s gonna LOVE us for this!” as we hand it to him. We
make a big deal about it as we’re approaching him and he gets all
excited, leaning as far as possible on his perch to meet us halfway
– he’s pumped and WANTS that new treat.

Several things may occur here. The most
likely is that Pickles will get almost nose-to-nose with it and
decide, for whatever reason, that it’s poison and nip your hand or
fingers, hard, in the blink of an eye. Because it’s important for
him to let you know just how bad you screwed up.

Sometimes he’ll take a sniff and practically
gag. Honest. His throat will retch in little waves, the way birds
regurge, and you wonder if he’s actually gonna upchuck. Or he’ll
make this sound – it sounds somewhere between a raspberry and a
grunt but I think “Hrumff” is what he’s trying to say
.

Other times he’ll take it gingerly in his
mouth and give it a delicate little lick then toss it – usually
against the wall but preferably in your face. Probably followed by
attacking his toys as he stomps around the top of his cage in a
rage.

Sometimes, he takes it in his talon and
starts to eat it – but I think he’s just being polite. He’ll take a
few bites, quietly drop it and ask politely for “another snack”. If
he REALLY likes it, he’ll whip it out of your hand so fast you
wonder how he didn’t get whiplash and then he’ll devour it and ask
for more. Sometimes we’ll even get the roll-eye. He will seriously
lift his eyes toward the ceiling and then avoid all eye contact
while he slowly turns his back on us in an obvious snub.

But the WORST is when we go to hand it to
him, he touches it lightly with his beak, cocks his head with a
puzzled, hurt look in his eyes, backs up and slowly settles into
the fluff position with a look that says “I can’t believe you just
did that to me. Got me all excited and offered me crap. I’m
so
disappointed in you.”
That’s
what really hurts. You think you’re doing
something really nice and all you did was make him feel bad.

I always wonder about a parrot’s sense of
smell. All I’ve ever read is that they, researchers, aren’t
convinced of their ability and that parrots don’t particularly
apply it much. I seldom notice Pickles appearing to be sniffing and
often he’ll snatch something good from my hand without ever having
seen it before, and too quickly to catch its scent. I think when
they’re not really sure, a sniff is a last resort to determine if
they really want to try it or not. At least, that’s how it appears
to me. Sometimes, just a glance at food will obviously turn them
off, something about the look of it that makes it unappealing. And
it never seems to have rhyme nor reason, nothing’s consistent.
Shape, size, texture, color – feed him something red one moment and
he refuses it but different shape, same red color the next moment
and he welcomes it. Change it up and use any combination of the
fore mentioned and nothing makes sense. It’s a mystery.

On the other hand, my mother, Zoe, showed up
with a gift for Pickles. It was 3 packages of Sesame Snaps in plain
wrapping paper. Any time you hand Pickles something generic like
that, he will glance at it with mild curiosity but slowly walk away
in a low crouch with slow, thoughtful head bobs as if playing hard
to get. When this gift was presented to him, there was no way he
could recognize it as Sesame Snaps – perhaps the shape of one, but
not three – and yet he almost fell off his perch in his haste to
grab it from the hand then tore into it as fast as parrotly
possible. In this instance, I’m positive that Pickles picked up the
scent.

But, as for food variety and nutrition, we
keep trying. We’re always trying to get Pickles to eat more fresh
fruits and vegetables and looking for creative ways to present it
to him. We finally get him to eat broccoli so we’ll buy more and
then he refuses it for another year or two. He’ll act that way with
other veggies, change his mind a lot and it may be that he doesn’t
like that brand or it’s the wrong season, not the proper ripeness
or the right size or cut of his liking but all I know is we spend a
fortune buying produce, and other things, that he won’t eat. The
one good thing that comes from it is that Neil and I eat a lot
healthier.

Pickles will always eat a carrot. He loves
them cooked or raw, diced or julienned but especially loves a
shaving. One day I shaved a nice long piece off an especially long
carrot and handed it to him on his perch. He grabbed the bottom as
I dangled it above his head - he struck like a cobra and snatched
it so fast that it wrapped around his neck on the rebound. Pickles
was left holding one end while the other end had wrapped completely
around his neck and rested on his back, making him look like he was
wearing a little orange scarf. His eyes widened as he let out a
surprised “WHAT???” dropped his end and proceeded to do circles on
his perch to get it off his back. When that didn’t work, he grabbed
his original end with his talon and pulled, but that just tightened
it like a noose around his neck.

I finally grabbed the back end to get it off
him but the end that he was holding overlapped mine so I couldn’t
pull without strangling him. He wasn’t about to let his end go, not
without a bloody fight, so all I could do was wait until he opted
to change his tactics. When he finally dropped it, I was able to
swoosh the carrot strip off his back and from around his neck. At
no time was he hurt or scared, he was mostly indignant that a
carrot was getting the best of him. “Dirty bugger!” he spat at the
offending vegetable in my hand.