“What are you talking about? You belong with me.”
“No, I don’t, Devin. You belong with supermodels and famous artists and singers and actresses. I’m just a girl from a small town with a dark past and hardly any money to her name.”
“I don’t care about your goddamn money,” I growled, stepping closer. “I care about you. I
want
you.”
She took her lip in her mouth, her wide eyes flitting back to the porch, where I knew my family had to be gawking. “No, you don’t. Bad luck follows me, Dev. You don’t want that. I’ve been here for ten minutes, and I’m already tearing up your family.”
“It was torn apart to begin with!”
“Devin-”
“No.” I cupped her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me and piercing her gaze with my own. “You are the one perfect thing I’ve found in all this darkness. Before you, I was barely living. You saved my life, Angel. You’re the whole reason I wake up in the morning, the reason why I try to be better than I am. You encourage me to keep fighting. And I don’t know about happily ever afters and all that, but I know I want to spend every second I can holding your hand, staying up late talking for hours, and waking up to you beside me. You’re my kind of heaven.”
She searched my eyes, the
rainwater pouring down her face. Those red lips parted wide, looking even redder against her pale skin, and I nearly leaned in and kissed her, but she pulled out of my reach.
She slowly backed away, her fearful eyes locked on mine. “I’m sorry, Devin. But I have to do what’s best for you, because it’s not just about me anymore. And that’s letting you go.”
We stood there in the rain while lightning streaked across the sky, staring at each other and breathing hard. Her whole posture recoiled from me, like she couldn’t stand to be near me. I wanted to punch something or scream. What the hell happened? It had all been going perfect. And now, just like that, everything had fallen apart again, and I was at a loss for how to put it back together.
Finally, she said, “Take me home?”
That request filled me with dread, like I’d never see her again if I let her go. “I will if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t think this is real,” I said, stalking toward her.
She backed up, her back slamming against the side of my car, and I gathered her hair in one hand and grabbed her waist with the other and kissed her hard. In the back of my mind, I was worried I’d bruise her lips, but the hunger inside me, the need to claim her as mine
, was too desperate. She struggled to say something, the words coming out as grunts until a sharp pain lit up my bottom lip. I came up for air with a curse. I reached up, touching my lip. Blood dripped away in the rainwater on my fingertips. “You bit me?” I asked, incredulous.
“You weren’t stopping.” She was shaking. Even when she hugged herself, she looked like she would shake herself apart.
I started to touch her face, but she flinched, and I froze. It was like she was afraid of me. “What did I do?” I asked, wanting to know how I could make it right.
She shook her head, gripping the passenger door handle. “Nothing. Just take me home, please.” She pulled on it, opening the door
and getting inside, but I gripped the door before she could shut it.
“Not before you tell me what’s wrong,” I said, leaning in the door frame.
“Just leave me alone!” she screamed.
I stared at her, stunned.
What did I do? What did I do…
Her posture… it was the same as it’d been the night I’d pulled her offstage. When she was being attacked.
My mouth dropped open in horror. “Oh, my God. Angel, I’m so sorry.”
She sat there, shivering and not saying a word. I couldn’t tell if she was crying because so much water was dripping off her face.
Angry at myself, I slammed the door and stalked to the other side, not saying another word for fear I would hurt my muse more as I sped out of the driveway and fishtailed onto the road.
CHAPTER 29
Angel
THE MOMENT I DRAGGED
myself through the door, I crumpled to the floor in a puddle of drenched silk and chilled skin. Why the hell was I crying? This was what I’d wanted, right?
Devin hadn’t spoken to me the entire way back, though I caught his concerned look when he’d watched me get out and walk up the stairs to my apartment. With a growl, I lay back on the floor, not caring if I soaked the carpet. I closed my eyes. There it was, sweet silence.
Two months ago, I would have called it anything but sweet. Silence terrified me, but now… now it reminded me of lying in Devin’s arms, feeling safe and wanted and at peace for the first time in my life.
I opened my eyes as all my feelings for him came rushing back. I loved him. At least, that’s what I thought it was, love. Every type of love I’d experienced only served to hurt me. Yet Devin had protected me. He’d defended my honor and called me his own when the world tried to lash out at me. And I’d thrown it all away.
I gritted my teeth. Why?
Because you’re afraid of getting hurt.
I blinked, startled by my heart’s revelation. Had I been protecting it all this time? Of course I had - why wouldn’t I? Any person would.
I got up and began pacing. I hadn’t had this much time to think in a while. Silence and idleness were my enemies. And all I could think about was Devin and the hurt on his face as I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore. It felt like taking a knife to my chest and carving my heart out. Angry with myself, I almost kicked the coffee table when a note fluttered in the draft as I turned around. Reaching down, I grabbed he piece of paper and unfolded it.
Angel,
I’m back from the hospital.
Jason is doing fine now. Out with Erik. Be back soon. - Tam
I dropped the note back onto the table. Tammara had spent years fighting to be a doctor so she could fight for her brother’s life. If she had found the strength to continue - and the bravery to love - then why couldn’t I? Why wasn’t I fighting for my own life? I used to be so excited to be a teacher, but now thinking of the future just made me feel numb.
I stood there, analyzing the feeling, and realization slowly dawned. The first time I’d felt numb had been at the hospital after my father had cut me. It had been a self-defense mechanism to keep me from falling apart and getting hurt, and that’s what it was now. My brain was trying to protect my heart by not allowing me to feel anything at all. Once again, it came back to my fear of getting hurt.
I worried my lip. Devin meant more to me than I’d let him - and myself - believe. I hadn’t wanted to admit my feelings for him because their strength terrified me, but now I was ready. I could feel it. I needed him to know the truth about me, that I cared for him deeply. As the love I felt for Devin broke through my internal barriers, so did the other feelings I’d denied myself: grief, fear, rage, and happiness. Real, bittersweet happiness.
I smiled, tears pouring down my cheeks, and laughed, relishing in the sensation of feeling human again for the first time in ten years.
A key twisted in the lock behind me, and the door opened. I turned around to find Tammara staring at me. The s
econd her eyes swept to my tearstained face, she gasped. “Oh, my God. What happened?”
I shook my head, still smiling. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it. I forgot it was supposed to rain and left my umbrella here when I went out, that’s all.”
“Oh.” Tammara’s shoulders sagged as she shrugged out of her coat and plopped down on the couch. “I was afraid maybe you and Devin had gotten into a fight or something.”
I stiffened
but abruptly smoothed out the tension from my body. I’d make things right with Devin. I had to, but I wasn’t ready to reveal what I’d learned about myself to Tammara. Though she was my best friend, that conversation should be between only Devin and me. “I got your note,” I said, changing the subject and sitting on the couch beside her. “You said Jason is doing better?”
She let out a long sigh. The bags under her eyes were more pronounced. “Yeah, though he’s still a little shaky. I just hope it goes back into remission soon so him and my parents can get some normalcy back into their lives. The doctor says his bloodwork is looking better. The trial must be working.” She smiled, truly smiled, and I grasped her hands, squeezing.
“That’s amazing,” I said. “I’m glad.”
“Yeah. Me too.” She blinked several times as her eyes began shining, then the smile returned to her face. “Erik’s amazing, you know?” she said quietly. “He’s been there for me through all of this. He hasn’t bailed on my family drama like the others did. He’s standing by me like a man. And he doesn’t mind my day job.”
“Of course he doesn’t,” I said with a wink, and she swatted my arm.
“What about Devin?” she asked. “Is he cool with you dancing?”
“Wouldn’t matter if he is because Curtis fired me.”
Her jaw literally dropped. “What? When?”
I shrugged. “After I fell.”
Tammara’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. “That wasn’t your fault! The stage wasn’t clear!”
“Doesn’t matter now. What’s done is done.” I bit my lip. “And I can’t say I wasn’t thinking of quitting anyway.”
“Don’t we all,” she muttered, then looked at me. Her eyes narrowed as she studied my face, which I had a feeling was white as snow thanks to the chills that had run through me at the mention of Curtis. “There’s more to it then you’re telling me,” Tammara said. “Isn’t there?”
I searched her eyes, nibbling my lip harder. “If I tell you this, will you promise not to breathe a word to anyone?”
“Of course.” Her brows furrowed. “What’s going on?”
I took a deep breath and told her everything; Curtis cornering me in the shower, my catching him in the closet with the other girl, his threats, all of it. By the time I was finished, Tammara’s hands were shaking and her face was deep red.
“How dare he,” she seethed. “Does he really think he can get away with this shit?”
I sighed. “Believe me, Tam, I want to see him pay. But even if I pursued it in court, he’d hire someone to stomp all over my case.”
Her eyes went wide. “You mean you haven’t told anyone?”
I shook my head.
Tammara shot out of her seat. “Let’s go there, right now.”
“What?” I stood with her.
“To tell him who’s boss. I’ll be damned if some drunk bastard thinks he can have his way with his employees. Oh
,
hell
no.”
I gripped her shoulders. “Tam, just calm down.”
Tam wriggled out of my grasp. “How can you be so calm about this? How can you let him do this to you and walk away? It’s never going to stop until someone puts an end to it.”
An end to it.
Wasn’t that what I’d always wanted? An end to the suffering, to the darkness trying to steal my life from me? Steeling myself, I said, “You’re right. I’ve spent all this time running, from my past, from my broken dreams, from Curtis – that I’ve never really learned to fight for what I want because I was afraid of the outcome. I was afraid of failing or things getting worse. But running isn’t going to change anything. I have to fight.”
Tammara’s fierce eyes glittered as a wicked smile spread across her face. “That’s my girl. Let’s go show this asshole he doesn’t lay a hand on
any
woman.”
I TAPPED MY FOOT against the floorboard the entire way to The Fox Hunt. Tammara didn’t comment. From the way her eyes kept darting around and the sharpness of the turns we took, she seemed just as nervous as I was, though I could have attributed part of that to her usual reckless driving. When we pulled up in the back alley and parked, it took three deep breaths and a whole lot of self-prep talk before I could step foot out of the car.
We’d decided not to corner him just yet, but I still needed to clean out my locker. Tammara pressed
her ear against the red metal door, which served as the employee entrance. “Sounds quiet. Let’s go.”
Using her badge, she swiped the card and the bolt clicked. Inside, it was dark and completely noiseless. Admittedly, it was eerie being in the club during the day. Not even the stage lights were on, and we had to use our cell phones for light to maneuver through the main floor to the hallway that led to the locker rooms. Neither of us had worn heels. Aside from the occasional squeak of rubber
soles, our footsteps were soft as we padded down the hall and walked into the locker room. Tammara stood near the door, and after glancing both ways down the darkened hallway, she looked at me and nodded.
I zipped as quietly as I could through my lock combination and gently opened the locker, trying not to make a sound. Delicately zipping open my duffel bag, I began pouring my things into it when Tammara gasped and my head shot up.
Curtis stood in the doorway, a half empty bottle of whiskey in one hand. His crimson robe barely concealed what laid beneath, and I fought not to shrivel my nose as he stumbled into the room. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Tammara cut him off. “She’s getting her things. Do you have a problem with that?”