Piecing Together Sydney (A Sydney West Novel Book 3) (8 page)

Amelia ordered Chinese and went back to babying me. Her fingers in my hair made me sleepy. Somehow, she caught sight of my left hand and brought it up to examine. “Your ring is gone!” Her face was horror stricken.

I nodded to the bookshelf. “I put it over there. It was too…heavy.”

She rubbed my knuckles with her thumb. “Oh, Syd. What are we going to do?”

“Can you put me out of my misery? Shoot me in the head or maybe—”

“Let’s not talk of suicide, that’s serious stuff. Don’t you want to finish school and be a therapist? Help people?”

I sighed, letting go of my wish of death. “Yeah.”

“Good. The food will be here soon, so let’s find a movie.” She found the remote between the arm of the couch and the cushion. She scanned through the channels quickly, making my eyes burn with all the flashing colors.

We ate a bunch of food and watched a few horror movies. Romance was a genre to avoid when your heart was bleeding. I went to sleep in Amelia’s bed again with her telling me over and over that everything was going to be okay.

I wasn’t so sure. Jason wasn’t the man I fell in love with. If this was how he was going to be for the next month, I didn’t want to marry him. We would have to call off the wedding and could we survive that? Maybe I’d return to Arizona alone and get another dorm room to stay in. Better yet, I’d stay with my mom and drive to class. I’d avoid everyone; only do work, school, and nothing more. I’d clip my social butterfly wings and rebuild my walls, make them higher and thicker. Perhaps it would lead to insanity, or maybe not. I’d only be like that for the last year of undergrad and then I was moving to grad school and maybe far from the west coast. I’d start over and find someone new.

Maybe Jason will snap out of this funk and be your true love again.

Ugh, that voice. It was evil and bipolar. I could trust myself as much as I could trust picking petals off a flower saying “he loves me” and “he loves me not” with each petal until they were all gone.

I wasn’t a sucker. If Jason did come to his damn senses and even got down to kiss my feet for my forgiveness, I’d be worried. He was my rock. Someone I dearly counted on a lot this past year with the loss of my father and basically how my life had been unraveling for a long time. Sex was a self-defense I used. Hell, I studied all about how I liked one-night stands to avoid emotion and all that technical crap in my textbooks.

At the end of it all, perhaps Jason wasn’t my fairytale ending. We were doomed, or we ran out of sparks. Maybe we needed work to round our rough corners. We didn’t even know each other for a year, and we were getting hitched. Maybe this was our punishment for jumping the gun. I knew love was too good to be true.

Back and forth, back and forth. That’s all I ever do.

A quote finally came to me. Jon Voight once said.

Sometimes a little heartbreak is a lesson, and the best thing to do is just learn the lesson.

I, Sydney Anne West, was going to get through this with or without Jason. I was better than this self-loathing pile of tears. I was strong and powerful. My heart had deep scars and missing bits, but I’d be damned if I let this ruin all the growth I’d done in the last year.

It had been two days since the fight at the beach. Jason hadn’t come to the house since, and I didn’t go looking for him. He made this damn mess and it was up to him to clean it up and try to patch us back together. My heart ached, and I did polish off two Jack Daniel bottles, but I didn’t go to a single nightclub. Meaningless sex might’ve seemed like a fix, but it was just a way to get the mind off a current problem. Like drugs, you felt at ease and gone from the real world, only to crash back into reality with more issues and an addiction.

Nonetheless, Amelia never left my side. Hunter came over and they’d kiss and watch movies. I’d be in my room reading and worrying about the wedding.

Should we cancel the flowers? What if I can’t cancel certain things and/or still have to pay a fee for wasting their time?

It’d be so embarrassing to contact all our family and friends to say we changed our minds and there was no need to come to Malibu. We now hated each other over stupid shit.

Oh well.

I poured myself a shot as Amelia entered the kitchen. “God, Syd. You’re going to need a new liver by the time you’re forty.”

I raised my shot in the air. “So? I still got about eighteen years left, then. I’m good.” I downed the shot. The liquid didn’t burn much. It doesn’t when you drink whiskey more than water.

“Hunter is bringing Jason over in a few, and I—”

The glass dropped from my hand. It bounced on the counter and rolled. I caught it and sat it down. “Wait, what?”

“He wants to talk to you. I think he finally has his head on straight. I had a long conversation with him earlier.”

I eyed my best friend up and down. She didn’t look like much of a threat, but she was a tiger when it came to those she loved. I remembered the threat I made to Hunter last year about treating Amelia right or else. Jason must’ve gotten Amelia’s version and with more edge due to our fight.

“Okay, fine.” I grabbed Jack and poured another shot. “Guess I can hear him out after all we’ve been through.” I downed the drink and licked my lips.

“That’s enough.” Amelia grabbed the bottle, screwing the cap back on. “You’re cut off. What’s the point of talking if you’re more drunk than sober?”

My gaze dropped to the empty glass. “You know it takes a lot to get me messed up.”

She shook her head and took the bottle away with her. Over her shoulder she said, “I’m hiding this from you until Jason leaves.”

I put the glass in the sink. “Like I can’t get more,” I muttered under my breath.

With my whiskey gone, I wanted to go out back to the porch and smoke a cig while watching the sun set. Amelia would flip though.

She came back with tears in her eyes. Her hair was in a messy pony, her hazel eyes looked tired, and her bottom lip stuck out in a pout. Suddenly, Amelia looked fatigued and pained when just moments ago she was her normal self.

“What’s wrong?”

My best friend gave me a tight hug. “I just want you and Jason back together. You’re Sydson! How are we going to double-date if you’re not a couple?”

It was strange that this problem would bring her to tears.

“Okay.” I lightly pushed her off me. She got my shoulder wet.

The doorbell rang. Amelia wiped her eyes and grabbed my upper arms. “Showtime!” She rushed away, leaving me confused. What was wrong with her?

I glanced out the kitchen window, wishing I could escape this situation. What would Jason say? Was this the end?

My heart pounded in my head as I walked into the living room. Hunter and Amelia kissed and whispered to each other. Jason stood by the door, kicking the tile. I folded my arms across my chest and cleared my throat. “Hey…”

“Hey…” His voice was hoarse. Those piercing silver eyes were dull and more gray, like storm clouds.

“We’ll be upstairs if you need us.” Amelia nudged Hunter. They both went up the stairs. I heard every step they took as silence hung in the living room.

I scratched my arm, hating the awkwardness. Jason and I used to know each other’s body language. He’d kiss me and I was high in the clouds. Now we couldn’t even speak more than a single word.

“So…” I let the word float between us.

“Sydney…where do I begin?”

The doorbell rang.

I gave Jason a half smile and opened the door. Kylie stood before me in a pink sundress, a floppy hat, and a bright red smile on her face. “Hey! Is Jason…” She looked around me. “Oh, there he is!” She pushed past me to her brother. “Jason, Dad and I are getting lunch now, and I was wondering if you’d—”

“No.” His voice came from deep in his throat, almost a growl.

She placed her hands on her hips, no longer acting like a broken child and bursting into tears. Now she was more businesslike, trying to talk and change his mind. “Come on. He has a lot to say to us and—”

“I don’t care, Kylie. He’s toxic, and I don’t want him in my life. If you’re okay with poison being reintroduced to you, then go ahead. I’ll be here when he up and leaves
again
, breaking your heart
again
.”

She huffed and turned on her heel. “Be a jerk then, Jason.” Kylie walked by me again. “Thanks so much for working on Jason.” Sarcasm dripped from her words as she went down the walkway and got into her car.

Kylie was a cool girl, and I couldn’t wait for her to be my sister-in-law, but that was a low blow. She had no idea Jason and I were fighting and this was the first time I’d seen him in days. He wouldn’t talk to me, and she wanted me to get him to talk to the man he hated the most in the world? What a bitch.

I slammed the door and leaned against it. “That was fun.”

Jason pulled at his short brown hair, making it stick up in places. He muttered something, but I didn’t make out what it was.

“What were you going to say before—”

“Let’s make some coffee and sit down first.” Jason motioned for me to follow him into the kitchen.

My stomach was full of nervous energy. One spark, and I was going to explode. He put on a fresh pot and set out our mugs. I sat down at the table, watching him. It was almost like it was before his father ruined everything.

Jason sat down across from me and rubbed his forehead. “Sydney, I can’t even begin to apologize to you for how I’ve been these last few days. Seeing my fath—Daniel again flipped me back into my dark, leave-me-the-hell-alone phase that I was stuck in when he first left. I shouldn’t have cut you out. You were so open to me in Arizona about your father, and I’m a complete ass. If you hate me and want to call off the wedding, I’ll understand. You deserve someone who—”

I took his left hand in both of mine. “Jason, I know. We have shitty role models for fathers. They’re more sperm donors than anything.”

He nodded, looking down at our joined hands. He put his right hand on mine. “You were—”

“I’m a mess. You’re a mess. Don’t you get it? We’re both fucked up, but somehow we fill each other’s cracks. I was lost last summer, and you found me. I’m going to do the same for you.”

“I said some vile things to you. Stuff no one should get away with.” He cradled my left hand, finding my finger empty. His fingers brushed my skin where the ring should’ve been. “I hurt you, and I promised I never would.”

“We’re both human and make mistakes.” Heaviness like a lead-filled dentist’s apron fell upon my chest as I replayed in my mind those words he said on the beach. Bringing up my past and my summer boys.

The pad of his thumb ran up and down the knuckles on my left hand. “I don’t deserve you.”

I looked into his eyes. They were dark and murky. The silver I loved was lost in the shadows. “Baby, all I want is you. I want you to be open just like you want me to be open. How can we enter a marriage with things hanging over us? I let you meet my dying father, and I learned more about your father from your mom than I did from you.”

He let my hand go, bringing his down to his lap. “I know, but you were going through shit and I didn’t want to add to your burden.”

“We can’t change the past. I don’t know what would’ve happened if you brought up the shitty dad card last summer on me.” I would’ve either thought it was nice to have someone relate or felt like he would push my issues aside, as if he knew everything, and then I wouldn’t have vented as much as I did. If I hadn’t broken down, then Jason and I wouldn’t have hit it off and he wouldn’t have followed me to Arizona, and we wouldn’t be getting married.

“I don’t like talking about it. My mom got me a therapist, but I’d sit there looking out the window for weeks. The ocean and my board were what helped, and then my sister of course, later on.”

I remembered him telling me his sister brought him to church, and he learned to change his ways.

“Don’t forget those arcade games,” I joked.

That smile I loved so much returned to his handsome face. “And that. I had the high score in pinball for a year.”

“Impressive.” I wrapped a piece of my long hair around my fingers, wishing our fight never happened.

The coffee pot spat, that was music to my ears. Jason stood and poured us two cups. He got some cream for himself and gave me a black cup. I sipped it and let the warmth hack the ice that was building around my heart.

He drank his coffee and eyed my left hand as I took another sip. I swallowed and gave him a small smile. “The ring is on my bookcase in the living room. It just got…heavy, after…you know.”

Jason gave a brief nod. “I can’t believe he fucked up my life again. It was going so perfectly.” He looked away into the distance.

“Baby, I’m still here. We’re not ruined unless you want us to be.”

He took my right hand and leaned over the table to kiss it. “I love you, Sydney.”

I ran my finger around the rim of my mug. “I know. I love you too.”

Jason hit the table with his fist, making the mugs jump. “I fucking hate Daniel though. He should’ve died.”

I touched his arm. “I’ve been there. But when the bastard does die, you don’t feel better.” Tears stung my eyes. I blinked them away. “Everything you wanted to say remains inside and you don’t get the closure you desire.”

His face paled a little. “I didn’t think about that. I don’t really wish him dead, at least for Kylie’s sake. For some damn reason, she still loves him.”

The warmth of my mug on my left hand helped keep me from falling apart. I focused on the mug, draining the rest of the coffee. “She’s gentle and forgiving. How we should be I guess, but I’m a bitter bitch.”

A laugh bubbled from Jason; short, but still there. “Yeah, and I’m a bitter bastard.”

I shrugged. “See? We fit into each other’s fucked-up-ness.”

“I don’t want to talk to him or see him again. I don’t care for his reasons.”

There wasn’t a tapping when I drummed my fingers on my mug like there used to be. My hand felt naked without its ring. “One moment.” I stood and went to the bookshelf. In front of my summer album laid my engagement ring. It sparkled in the light as I slipped it back on. “Better,” I said to myself before going back.

Jason stood and encircled me in his arms. “We’re never going to be like them.”

“I know. We’re going to be like our moms.” I kissed the tip of his nose.

The silver returned in his eyes, so deep I could be pulled in and be forever lost. “I’m serious. If we have kids, we’re going to remain the same unit. No going against each other. No fights in front of them. No breaking shit. No yelling. No disappearing.”

I ran my fingertip along his eyebrow. “No crying before going to bed, wondering where you went or when you’d be back. No drugs. No weird, creepy friends. No lies or secrets.”

Jason cupped my chin. “Your eyes are beautiful, Sydney. I only want to look in your eyes and see love. I never want to see pain, hurt, sorrow, or anger.”

I pulled his hands off my hips and held them in-between our chests. “I love your touch. You’re sweet, yet strong. I love how you touch me in bed and make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. I never want these wonderful hands to create holes in walls or to…hurt people.” I looked away. A tear fell from my hold.

He hooked my chin with his finger, bringing me back to his gaze. “Sydney, I’d rather die than lay a finger on you.”

I snaked my arms around his neck and rested my face on his shoulder. “I promise to never give up on us and let you in if you do the same.”

“Forever and ever.” We kissed lightly on the lips. His tongue wanted more, and mine greeted his. We made out, holding each other for a few minutes. Jason broke our kiss. “Want to get out of here?”

I looked out the window. “Tomorrow. We can walk the Hollywood Walk of Fame and get lunch at the Guitar Rock. Tonight, I want to sleep in your arms. I missed you in my bed.”

He kissed my forehead and led me to our room. We crossed paths with Amelia leaving the bathroom. “Hey, you made up!” She gave me a hug and Jason a pointed look. “Remember what I said.”

Jason nodded. “I will.” He took my hand, and we undressed in our room. I crawled into bed with only a bra and panties on. Jason kept his boxers on and let me curl myself into him like he was a living blanket. We didn’t make love, we slept. Well, tried. The toilet kept flushing every half hour or so. I rolled over to face Jason and kissed his sharp cheekbone. Though he was asleep, his hold grew tighter around my waist.