Pilate's Wife: A Novel of the Roman Empire (21 page)

"Perhaps she does not care."

"The people loved her so..."

"The guards took her early this morning in a closed litter. No one knew--but even if they had--" Pilate shrugged.

"She's gone then, like
Tata
and Mother, like Marcella. They are all gone. I have lost everyone."

"I'm here, Claudia"--Pilate took me in his arms--"and soon you will have our child."

I
n the weeks that followed, I clung to Pilate's words like keepsakes, playing them in my head again and again. I had lost so many loved ones, beginning with Germanicus and the stillbirth of my first child at five months. What if I lost this child, too? The idea terrified me. I suffered sieges of nausea and on one occasion fainted. For a time swollen ankles kept me in bed. "It's nothing unusual," Rachel reminded me repeatedly. I listened gratefully, no longer thinking it strange that a slave had become my closest friend, perhaps my only friend.

Sometimes my changing body frightened me; at other times it brought a sense of wonder. I had felt from the beginning that my baby was a girl, and as the months passed, the certainty grew. I talked often to little Marcella, assuring her of my love, promising that I would always keep her safe. Finally, as the end of my term approached, the nausea disappeared and the swelling in my ankles abated. Feeling better made me restless. I wanted to get out, to ride through the streets in my litter and be part of the world.

"It feels like I've been fat forever," I confided to Rachel as she slipped a soft pink
chiton
over my shoulders. "At times I forget that I'm going to have a baby and think I'm just naturally huge. Pilate's been very kind and amazingly inventive, but I do miss being able to look down and see my feet."

"It won't be much longer," she said, hands on my shoulders, comforting. "Less than a month, I'd say."

"But I want to do something now. I'd like to go to the Forum Market.

No," I amended, reaching for the contrasting bright rose
palla,
"I'm
going
to the market."

"You can't do that!
Dominus
would forbid it."

"Maybe--if he had the chance," I agreed, picking up my pouch. "But Pilate's with Sejanus this afternoon. We'll be home long before he returns."

"He will have me beaten for being party to it."

"Not likely, no one we know does that sort of thing to slaves, certainly not Pilate--and not to you."

"He could."

"He could, but he won't," I assured her. "What an idea!"

"Perhaps not," Rachel conceded, adding, "but we know it's dangerous for you."

"We know nothing of the kind," I argued. "I don't need Pilate's doctor to tell me that I'm fine. I know I am. I'm going out now--with a brave, smiling slave or none at all."

T
HE AFTERNOON WAS BRIGHT AND CRISP
. I
AMBLED HAPPILY FROM STALL
to stall, stopping at last at a booth displaying hundreds of vials of perfume. Opening one after another, I tried the contents of several. "I've worn sandalwood for so long. Perhaps I shall choose something new and different for after the baby is born. What do you think of this?" As I held the bottle toward Rachel, I saw a woman walking in our direction. "Will you look at
her
! She's gorgeous, but that gown would be more appropriate for a banquet than the street--especially in her condition."

Rachel looked over her shoulder, then quickly moved closer, so that she stood directly in front of me.

Pushing gently to get a better look, I found my slave surprisingly resistant. The woman, who carried a red parrot, cooed to it, oblivious to the stares of those about her, while slaves busily cleared a path. In contrast to the filmy black gown, the skin of her arms, shoulders, and an expanse of her breasts was chalk-white. Large emeralds sparkled from her throat and wrists. Like me, she looked to be in her eighth month but seemed scarcely aware of her bulk.

"Who do you suppose she is?"

"Titania!" Rachel almost spat the word.

I frowned slightly. "She looks familiar, yet I don't believe I know her."

"It is not likely that you would. She is a courtesan."

"Titania," I repeated the name, watching with interest. Whoever she was, Titania moved like a flame, beautiful and confident. And then I remembered a face glimpsed months before. Titania was the woman I had seen at Sejanus's banquet, the one who had watched me with such hostility.

"If she's a courtesan, why is she dressed in black?" I wondered.

"Perhaps for amusement. She had a husband, but they lived separately for years. For some reason he never divorced her. Maybe she knew something he didn't want spread about Rome. Whatever the case, he died recently of a sudden fever."

"How do you know so much about her?"

Rachel shrugged. "Slaves talk. Titania's a legend."

"I suppose she has many lovers."

"Only a few important ones. She's become fabulously wealthy from those seeking her influence on them."

"That would make her powerful," I mused. As I studied Titania, she looked up and our glances caught. Titania's eyes slanted like an angry cat's as they moved to my belly.

I pulled my
stola
in protectively, but coolly returned her stare. Rachel must have summoned our bearers. I sensed rather than saw them, aware only of the challenge in Titania's green eyes.

"Your litter,
Domina,
" Rachel said.

"Why? Where are we going?"

"I'm taking you home. It's grown cold. You don't want to be ill now. Think of the baby."

Perhaps she was right. The sun still shone brightly, but I felt a sudden chill. Eyes never leaving Titania's, I allowed myself to be guided. It was a silly contest but one I did not intend to lose. As my litter was lifted from the ground, I continued to watch, forcing a faint smile until Titania was lost from view.

I
LAY ON MY COUCH PROPPED UP BY PILLOWS PLAYING A BOARD GAME
with Rachel. "Ah, more luck!" Rachel lamented as I threw the dice. "You'll win this round too." She clucked her tongue despondently as I advanced my jade elephant another ten squares.

I sighed. "When is something going to happen?"

"Soon I think, soon."

"That's what you said an hour ago. Oh!" I cried out, arching backward. "Oh! That was a big one. Maybe it will be soon. Where did Selket go?"

"She's in the kitchen. I'll get her."

"Don't leave me!"

"I'm not going anywhere, just to the door to send someone for Selket."

"Of course." I let go of Rachel's hand, but smiled with relief a few moments later when Selket's bulky form appeared in the doorway. The woman's gentle touch and calm confidence had impressed me from the beginning. Now I congratulated myself once again for having insisted on a midwife from the Iseneum rather than the army surgeon urged by Pilate. Then another pain snatched the smile away and my breath with it. The board and pawns clattered unheeded onto the mosaic floor.

"Ah. Things are happening at last." Selket nodded approvingly as she bent over me. "Come, it's time for you to walk a bit."

"Help me to get her up," she instructed Rachel. Together they pulled me from the couch and supported me in a standing position. "We'll take turns walking her," Selket directed. "I will begin."

"Will it be long?" I asked after another spasm gripped me and then another.

"Now, now, you must not think ahead. Think instead that you have been in labor most of this day. It will go faster now. We will take good care of you."

"I wish my mother were here." I bit my lip, regretting the weakness, and began to walk up and down the room. It was rapidly filling with slaves.

First Selket walked with me and then Rachel, then Selket again. "Talk to me," I begged when it was Rachel's turn once more." Tell me what the slaves are saying. What is the latest gossip? Tell me--oh! Tell me," I persisted when I could speak again, "about that woman, the strange red-haired woman. Ahh! What was her name?"

"Don't think of her." Rachel's arms tightened about me. "Do not waste time on her. She is no one to you."

"Titania," I managed to gasp. "I remember now. Tell me about Titania." I looked up to see Rachel exchange glances with Selket.

The walking ceased momentarily. Selket supported me while Rachel massaged my back. "Titania has not been seen of late," she said. "I suppose she's at home awaiting the birth of her child."

I shook my head, unable to focus on Titania or her child. Sometimes it was hard to even remember the child within myself. There was only the pain that went on and on without seeming to go anywhere.

The day passed and now it was twilight and still Selket did not say that I might lie down. I grew so weary that I could barely put one foot before the other.

It was not proper to want Pilate present for this most female thing, but I did want him, desperately. Finally the time came when I wanted him enough to cry his name. The slaves, even Selket, were shocked. I heard them murmuring among themselves. Then Rachel, stroking my back gently, said, "I will bring him now."

It seemed to me that she was gone for hours, but it could not have been long. When Rachel returned she was alone. "He was not in the house,
Domina.
Shall I send--"

"No, no! He is busy with his duties. Do not tell him--that I asked." I turned my head from side to side, gasping and biting my lips. At last I could walk no more, and Selket allowed me to lie down. Rachel remained at my side, holding my hands as the night wore on and nothing happened. "Ah, that's right, just a little more," she encouraged from time to time.

"I can't do it!" I cried, exhausted. "Help me, please help me!"

Rachel turned to Selket. "Surely there is something you can do. Some potion that you can give her."

"I have given her pennyroyal."

"And it hasn't worked. Her first child was stillborn," Rachel reminded the midwife. "
Dominus
wanted a surgeon. He will be angry if anything happens--"

Selket's usually florid face was pale, her light blue eyes heavily shadowed. "It is not my fault! Her hips are very small..."

"There must be something," Rachel insisted, her voice taut with anxiety. "There are all kinds of potions at the temple, I have seen them. You must have brought--" Her hand moved to Selket's basket of supplies.

The midwife pulled the basket away.

"I knew it! You do have something. Give it to her!"

"It's dangerous--sometimes--"

"Can anything be more dangerous than this? What if the baby dies? What if
she
dies?"

I saw them as though in a fog as wave after wave of pain crested without breaking. When Selket at last held a cup to my lips, I turned my head aside. Pennyroyal and mint had tasted good at the onset of my labor, now I began to retch.

"Drink it,
Domina,
" the midwife urged. "Try to swallow."

As my mouth opened once more to cry out, Rachel was ready and poured the liquid down. I fought back angrily, but then another pain grabbed me, another black tidal wave. When it receded slightly, I was aware of a soothing sensation in my parched throat. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, a dreamy relaxation stole over me, taking hold of me with increasing insistence, dragging at my mind and body, until I ceased to struggle and surrendered willingly. Engulfed in a whirlpool, I swirled at an everincreasing speed until I was lifted out of myself entirely and floated near the ceiling.

I saw Selket, eyes wide and frightened, kneeling beside a writhing body on the couch--my body. Poor, poor thing, I thought, and was mildly surprised to recognize myself. I felt no fear, only a delicious freedom from pain. I began to drift, floating back into some warm, pleasant world where there was no fear of death. Then I thought of Pilate and of our unborn child. Marcella! Must she die too? Oh, surely not, not before she had even lived!

Rachel was sobbing openly now. I waved my arms, struggling to communicate, but no one saw me. Would I always remain close to those I loved, yet so terribly far away?

Swept with longing, I looked about the familiar room, surveying each person below me, seeing them all with a new sharp-edged clarity. I heard each individual conversation distinctly. Words of concern, for the most part, words of sadness. No one expected me to live.

Two young slaves who had just entered with fresh water whispered softly, unnoticed by the others. Hovering above them, I heard each word distinctly despite the babble of other voices around them.

"She was a good
domina,
" the younger one said. "You could not fool her, but she was always fair. I will miss her."

"I, too," the other agreed. "She was more than fair. The
domina
was kind, nice to be near. She knew what I was thinking sometimes and cared. We won't be so lucky again."

"Blessed Juno! What if he should replace her with the other?"

"He would never marry
her
!"

"I don't suppose, but he'll be fonder of her than ever now that she has given him a son. And who knows," the slave nodded toward the couch, "this baby may die with its mother."

"Fortuna can be so cruel. I heard both went into labor at about the same time. Titania hardly bore down and her child was born. She is a big woman, but look at our poor little lady."

Suddenly I was back in my body again, locked in flesh and pain. I felt agony beyond belief and then none. Somewhere far off I heard a baby squalling. My Marcella was alive.

I dozed and when I woke Pilate sat beside me. He was concerned, he was tender, he even had excuses: urgent business on behalf of Sejanus had kept him from me.

He took my hand and kissed it. I looked into his clear blue eyes and wondered how often he had come directly from Titania's bed to mine.