Pirates of Underwhere (7 page)

We popped out of the portal and dashed for home. A kid on a bike saw us leave the construction site. But we couldn't worry about our secret getting out.

Caitlyn was waiting when we got home.

And Caitlyn didn't
like
to wait.

“I thought you little smigmotes
wanted
to go to this meeting!” she yelled as we ran up.

“We do,” I said.

“
Well, it doesn't look like it
!” Caitlyn bellowed. “In the car! In, in,
in
!”

I held up one finger. “Bathroom?”

“At light speed!”

I had a funny feeling about the town meeting, so I dashed in, grabbed the Brush, and shoved it into my backpack. I may not be a Boy Scout, but it's only smart to be prepared.

All the way to City Hall, Caitlyn groused and groaned. She came up with some new insults to call us. Since I'm a princess, I won't repeat them.

A big mob crowded around the building. Caitlyn elbowed her way through to the front row. We followed.

At the top of the steps stood Mayor Rumley, a round man who looked like a beardless Santa Claus. Something big and lumpy lay covered up on a tabletop beside him.

“And here's the model for the new City Hall Mr. Moxenboxer is buying us,” he said. The mayor pulled a sheet off the miniature building.

“Oooh!” went the people. Across the group, I
saw Dr. Prufrock. Even
he
looked impressed.

The model had more towers than the Taj Mahal, oodles of pillars, fountains, and a gold-colored roof. This was no city hall;
this
was a palace.

Zeke nudged me. “I wish the Undies would build
us
one of those.”

“Here is the spa and Jacuzzi, and here's the garage for our new fleet of Mercedes,” said Mayor Rumley, pointing at the model.

“Ahhh!” went the audience. Caitlyn scribbled on her notepad.

“And now, I'd like to introduce the man who's making this all possible: Mr. Bobby Bob Moxenboxer himself!”

Dressed all in green, Bobby Bob bounced up from his seat and approached the podium. He was so short, he disappeared behind it. Mr. Rumley coughed in embarrassment, and then scooted up a chair for him.

Bobby Bob stood on it and grinned at the crowd. He tipped his ten-gallon hat. “Howdy, friends!” he said.

“Howdy, Bobby Bob,” the people replied.

“Howdy, cheapskate fake coin guy who's really the UnderLord,” muttered Hector.

Just then I noticed the two government spies, Agent Belly and Agent Mole, standing off to the side.

“What, H.U.S.H.?” I said.

“Hush
yourself
,” said Caitlyn. “I can't hear the dude.”

I tuned back into what Bobby Bob was saying.

“…Made a fortune in the plumbing biz,” he drawled. “Bobby Bob's filthy rich, and he
lurrrves
this li'l ol' town so much, he wants to
buy
it from y'all.”

Puzzled faces greeted his announcement.

“Oh, y'all can still live here—but Bobby Bob
will be your friendly landlord.”

Dr. Prufrock spoke up. “So you want to
buy
our whole town?”

“Bull's-eye!” cried Bobby Bob. “And the City Council here has already given me the okeydokey.”

I noticed the City Council members in their front-row seats. Their clothes looked brand-new and expensive. Jewelry glittered from their necks and hands.

Honestly. Some people like money
way
too much.

“How much are you offering?” asked an old lady from the crowd.

“Enough to make each and every one of you a
millionaire
!” said Bobby Bob.

The group erupted in cheers and argument. Everyone talked at once.

I huddled with Zeke and Hector. “The UnderLord wants to buy our town!”

“And it's not even for sale,” said Hector.

Zeke scratched his head. “But why buy the town?”

“Well,” I said. “If he owns everything, he could search anyone's house for the Throne or the Brush. He could search
our
house!”

“We've got to stop him,” said Zeke. “But how?”

Suddenly, the mob roared. I looked up. Bobby Bob was tossing handfuls of gold into the audience.

“Fake coins
again
?” said Hector.

“That's it!” I said. “Let's show everyone that they're fake.”

Zeke crinkled his forehead. “But don't we need…”

I reached into my book bag. “This?” I pulled out the Brush.

“Grab some of that gold,” said Hector.

Luckily, Caitlyn had caught several coins.
“Omigod, I'm gonna be, like, totally mondo-
rich
!” she squealed. “Tiffany will scream her lungs out!”

“Can I see one of those?” I asked.

Her eyes narrowed. “What for?”

“It's very important,” said Zeke.

“Okay,” said Caitlyn, “but give it right back.”

Zeke held the coin in his palm and I started rubbing the Brush over it.

“You might not want it back,” said Zeke.

“Because as you can see,” I said, “it's a
fake
!”

Caitlyn looked closely, then snorted. “Yeah,
right
, Steffo. You're gonna have to be trickier than that to separate
this
girl from her gold.”

I gaped. The gold coin was still golden. But…

“That can't be,” said Hector. “Mine was a fake.”

Caitlyn grinned. “Well,
mine
isn't.” She snatched her coin back.

Zeke stared at the Brush. I followed his glance, noticing the golden bristles, the painted handle
with the frowny face…

Frowny face?

“I think I see the
real
fake,” he said.

I gasped. “This brush isn't the Brush!”

“Sure,” said Caitlyn, “it's a coffee pot. Now shut your faceplates, zimwats. I've gotta get this down on paper.” She resumed her scribbling.

Hector frowned. “So if
this
brush isn't the real Brush, then that means…”

“We stole back a phony!” said Zeke.

“Mr. Wheener tricked us!” I said.

“That little rodent!” said Zeke.

“
Big
rodent, actually,” said Hector. “And who knows what he did with the
real
Brush?”

On the steps of the hall, Bobby Bob Moxenboxer was calling for order. “Mah friends! Now that y'all have seen the color of Bobby Bob's coin, let's vote.”

My mind raced. We had to stall him until we could figure out how to unmask the UnderLord's plot.

I shouted out, “What if we have some questions?”

Bobby Bob scanned the crowd but didn't spot us. “Questions?” he asked. “Who in tarnation could
have any questions about Bobby Bob's fine offer?”

A tall man raised his hand. “Actually, I've got one,” he said. “Our million bucks—will it be cash or check?”

People laughed. While Bobby Bob answered, I grabbed Zeke and Hector.

“You guys create a diversion,” I said.

“What are
you
going to do?” asked Zeke.

I raised the brush. “Get Bobby Bob to confess.”

“But
that
brush doesn't make people tell the truth,” said Hector. “It's fake.”

“Maybe so,” I said. “But
he
doesn't know that.”

I started edging through the audience, working my way to the sidelines. If I could creep up on Bobby Bob before he saw me…

“Help! Somebody help!” cried Hector behind me.

I glanced back. He was bending over Zeke, who had fallen.

People crowded around. “What is it, sweetie?”
asked a curly-haired woman.

“My friend—he's real sick!”

“What's he got?” asked someone else, as Zeke twitched on the ground.

I kept moving. By now I was near the stairs.

“Um, boogie fever!” said Hector. “Stay back—it's contagious!”

Zeke's twitching got frenzied. He choked out, “Gack! Ga-gack-gack!” Then he jumped to his feet and started shaking his rear.

“Boog-oog, boogie-oogie-oogie!” he cried. “The g-g-groove has got me!”

Bobby Bob stared at Zeke, mouth open. Then a light went on in his eyes.

“Calm that scudder down!” he said. “Ah know that boy, and he's a pure-ol' troublemaker.”

Caitlyn snagged Zeke's arm. She felt his forehead. “You're not sick, runt, but you're gonna, like,
wish
you were.”

Mayor Rumley leaned into the microphone. “Settle down, folks. Let's get back to business.”

Too many bodies blocked me from my target. I needed more time.

Hector noticed my problem. “Hey, mister,” he called to Bobby Bob. “Where are you from?”

“Underwh—uh, from under the great flag of Texas, son,” said the short man.

“Then you should be able to name the Texas state capital,” said Hector.

Bobby Bob scowled. “Why, uh…”

“Austin,” said Hector. “Or the state flower?”

“The, um…”

“Bluebonnet,” said Hector. “Or the state serpent?”

“That's enough of this—,” Bobby Bob retorted.

“Bull snake,” said Hector. “You know, for a Texan, you sure don't know much about Texas.”

I was only five feet from Bobby Bob. Time to make my move.

I dashed forward and raised the brush.

“Look out!” someone cried.

“The Brush!” shouted Dr. Prufrock.

Bobby Bob turned in time to see it descend. “The
Brush
?!” he shrieked.

I rubbed it on his back—once, twice, three times.

“Tell the truth,” I said. “You're not really Bobby Bob, are you?”

The little man's eyes popped out. His face went red. “N-n-n-no, I'm not!”

“And that gold isn't real, is it?”

The phony Texan stuttered, “It's n-n-not!”

At that, the crowd gasped.

“It's fa—” Bobby Bob stopped and squinted. “Hey, that's no truth-telling spell.” He spun and snatched the fake brush. “This isn't the Brush!”

I stepped to the mike. “He's the UnderLord,” I said. “And he's not going to make you millionaires. He's trying to buy our town with fake gold!”

The mob booed and surged forward.

“You tryin' to swindle us, shrimp?” asked the curly-haired woman.

“You mean my gold's, like, totally
bogus
?” wailed Caitlyn.

The fake Bobby Bob Moxenboxer snarled. “A pox on all you Uplanders! And
you
”—he pointed at me—“you'll see me again. This isn't over!”

With that, he shook his right fist and shot out his fingers.
“Menthazar!”

Powf!

Sparks showered. Blue smoke rolled over the podium and the surprised crowd. Coughing, I searched for the UnderLord.

But he was gone.

The mayor blinked. “Does this mean we're not getting our new City Hall?”