Pirates to Pyramids: Las Vegas Taxi Tales (2 page)

Then I sat for the next several minutes waiting for, God knows who, to grace me with his or her presence. The mind wanders at a time like this. Who the hell was coming out of there that had these doormen holding my door, expectantly? I hoped it wasn't some CEO or other boring type. This was like watching someone open a gift that was saving the wrapping paper. Well, watch out what you wish for.

The doormen all started backing up as if royalty was coming which confused me because royalty
definitely rated a limo. Then it happened, all at once. A blur of movement started then ended with a bunch of guys who peeled away until "Mr. Big Shot" got into my cab. Someone yelled, "Airport," and quickly shut the cab door, and off I went.

It was just me and none other than, Mike Tyson in the car. Mike (God, is he big) Tyson. Mike
(there’s a tattoo is on his face) Tyson. Thank God he was talking on his cell because I was speechless. I overheard his every word. He spoke very sweetly and gentlemanly, evidently to some woman he respected, like a wife or aunt.

He sounded good. His voice was not high, like I'd always heard during interviews. He must have just come out of the salon in the spa because he looked all bronzed like a Roman statue. Wait, what was that? He was telling her he was on his way to Los Angeles to attend the BET Awards. Yeah, Mike. I am a fan of the guy, the boxer and the person.

After the call, he started to cut up with me. He said something funny and slapped me on the back, playfully. I feared, for a moment, he broke the seat. I said nothing but I damn sure laughed, to protect myself. No more jokes please, Mike, I said to myself. "Oh look, we're at the airport."

JUST DRIVING DOWN THE STREET
 

Las Vegas draws people from all over the world in staggering numbers. So why I am still surprised when I see things like:
 

A twenty-something stud walking down the street holding his little daughter's hand. Isn't that the cutest thing, just the two of them strolling along? She will probably remember that moment her whole life. But why has he dressed her in that short, short skirt? She looked a little too hot for a daughter. Just wait until his wife sees how he dressed her. Wait just a minute. Hold everything.
 

It's not a kid. It's a midget. Sorry. You can't say midget, I mean a little person. She was a perfectly proportioned little person. To hell with that, she was a hot babe, a little person hot babe. I guess I am really old school because I am shocked, now that I saw they were a couple, boyfriend and girlfriend. You could tell by the look, of how they looked at each other.

Wow. Let’s see. She was 2 1/2 or 3 feet tall and he was almost six feet tall. No, no, no I told my mind, don't even go there. I gotta drive my cab. Good for them. I think.

++++

“
Knock, knock, and knock,” on my passenger window. Someone was ruining my nap on a dead quiet morning. I turned my head to the right and went straight into fantasyland. I was staring into the face of Captain Jack Sparrow. Johnny Depp was fully costumed and made up and staring back at me. My mind and I had an emergency meeting. This could not be true. Were there cameras? Was there a fourth movie? Could it be in Vegas? Why wasn't I aware of this? This wasn't Halloween or even close. Why was I getting angry? Is he speaking to me?
 

He was speaking to me so I began listening to what he was saying. He said he wanted directions but I quickly saw through him. He was having some fun like the character Captain Jack. His questions were all nonsense. He was having us all on, otherwise, why was he grinning so much and why choose me, the cabbie that was sleeping.

And why was he all made up like a double for Johnny Depp in full costume? He had his hair done, perfectly, for his close up. He had tattoos on his eyelids. Please tell me it’s not permanent. He was wearing the same pirate outfit. He was even starting to smell like a pirate. In his defense, 2010 saw many characters begin to appear on the Strip in costume for fun picture taking.

But at that time I thought “shouldn't he be down at Treasure Island confusing those guests or walking the plank? I bet he escaped from a mental hospital for the Hollywood impaired.

++++

Waiting at a traffic light I looked to my left and saw a motorcyclist who had a dog clinging onto his carpeted gas tank by its nails. This was a cliché now. As they say, ‘I been there, seen that and bought the t-shirt.’
But wait, just a minute. Where’s my cell phone camera?

This dog was wearing a tiny chrome helmet matching his master's. Okay, you get points for that, but wait. He had his own little shades copying his master. Very cool, bigger points but wait, there was more.

This dog had attitude, even more than his master. This dog was giving me "the stare." Unmoving, unflinching and unblinking, I think. All I know is this dog knows he is “too cool for school.”
Mr. Cool. You know, like the Fonzie. Was that a little leather jacket?

And, oh yeah, he was a beagle.

He was cool, man.

He was Snoopy.

++++

One lovely Saturday morning I was marveling at the quality weather we often enjoy. I was motoring down the Las Vega Strip looking at the extraordinary architecture that is my workplace. The sunshine to air quality ratio was so beautiful I was counting my blessings. So what's with everyone staring at the street like a parade is coming?

I think back two blocks and realize they have been lined up for all that distance and two blocks more. What's going on and what did I not know? Were they protesting? No. There wasn't a serious face in the whole bunch. Protestors are a serious bunch but these folks were smiling sheepishly. Okay, what does this many people agree on? Was it a church thing? Please, no, not in Vegas. I couldn't figure it out.

I saw the answer on my return trip. By now the 700 to 1000 people were all lined up on one side of The Strip holding an unbroken rope made of bras. Yes I said it and I will say it again, bras. I immediately thought someone is going to catch hell over this, but the police were smiling too. What's going on? I bet it involved the Guinness book, and come to think of it.

Men, women and children were all standing proudly, side by side, without a blush among them for over a mile. They were holding an unbroken chain of firmly tied bras of all colors, sizes and shapes. It turned out to be a demonstration of support against Breast Cancer. Best one I've ever seen. And, by the way, this was the happiest group of protestors I ever witnessed, live, or on TV.

Three years later the Breast Cancer demonstration was different but equally eye-catching. Three hundred bikini-clad babes marched down The Strip. The mayor was there for that one.

And you thought operating a vehicle under these conditions was easy.

++++

One day I drove down The Strip with a trunk full of human heads. Okay, they were Styrofoam and my cab was full of gay German hairdressers going to an international hairstyling competition. So their heads and wigs were lying in my trunk looking creepy. The gay German boys were getting their game faces on but their falsetto voices were making it a farce. I could not tell if they wanted to win or fall in love. They were dissing the French gays, of course, but it sounded so funny I almost laughed out loud.

So, of course, my next ride was the French gay hairdressers. I had to tell them about the Germans so I could see the sparks fly. When they finally figured out what I was saying they tried to spy on them through me. But that didn't work well because I don't speak French gay, either.

++++

The rider told me he was from Dubai. Well, "you must be so proud of the partnership between Dubai and MGM"s City Center Project?” It was the largest private construction project in America at nine billion dollars, six condo towers and a mega resort.

He said he was very proud since he was Dubai's Project Manager. He went on to say he knew the Sheik and the Royal family very well because he had been their chef. He said one day they asked him what would make him the happiest. When he told them he wanted to be an architectural engineer, they assisted his dream and several years later he had a Cornell degree and now he was here.

I wonder, was he a really that good a cook or a really that bad a cook?

++++

A Michael Jackson look-alike walked quickly down the street ducking into some doorways and popping out of others. He was one of the Superstars in the show at The Stratosphere until just recently when he became a headliner. Now, with the untimely death of the real Michael, he doesn't need to stir up the girls' screams walking on the street any more. He gets all he can handle in his own show. Miss you, Michael.

CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS

I was excited the first time I rolled up on the Wynn Hotel property. It had been five years in the making, what with 9
/11 and Dot.Com crashes and recession. We had been told that this would be the ultimate luxury experience in Vegas, so I anticipated some big stars for the grand opening. I wasn't disappointed.

As my car rolled up the cobbled brick to the beautiful front entry area I saw nothing but the newest Royce and Bentley limousines. What I didn't imagine seeing was dogs, but there they were being led by security to sniff these same cars. Just as I started to wonder who they were securing I got my answer. Walking my way was the British billionaire owner of Virgin Airlines, Sir Richard Branson.

He had recently been in the news for announcing his purchase of the newest Boeing Airliner 767 and promising more direct flights to Vegas from the U.K. I sent a mental message to Richard. Sir, please look in the mirror. You are so pale, if you took a nap they would call an ambulance. He was the grayest human I have ever seen. Please Sir, get some pool time in Vegas or on your Island, or at least buy a tanning company. Think bronze, Sir Richard.

++++

Most sunny days have so many people walking down The Strip you find it hard to see any one person. And as you wait for the light to change it can be so crowded with pedestrians that an accidental slip of the brake could break legs. I usually put the car in park. As I cooled my heels one day I was entertained by a surprise celebrity sighting.

Walking across in front of me like the rest of the crowd was Donny Osmond the former TV and music star. He was being interviewed with a microphone and a cameraman chatting away like no big thing. I was surprised by his continued good looks and also his cool, doing business on the street. He and his sister, Marie Osmond, are, of course, headliner entertainers at the famed Flamingo Hotel. My wife and I had enjoyed them when they had their own TV show and now, here he was and he had his tan in great shape.

All of the drivers were especially careful with his ankles which was good since he went on to win the Dancing with the Stars show in 2009

++++

Carrot Top followed me into the new Palazzo Hotel one day. Of course he doesn’t know me from Adam but I was just a little intimidated, because he was driving his monster Hummer. It seemed to fit him fine since has become a workout nut and has buffed up to twice the size that we first saw him.

His prop comedy is famous now and just kills me. Sometimes I need some silly in my life. My favorite Carrot Top gag is in the Vegas airport instruction video when you are boarding the planes. The video says only one carry-on bag is allowed so he is shown hoisting a shoulder harnessed bag onto his back that looks as big as a twin bed mattress. He gets me every time.

++++

Another celebrity I enjoyed seeing up close crossed the street in front of my car, like a regular person. It was James Woods, star of the famous Vegas movie, Casino, about the downfall of the Mob in Vegas. Woods played the love interest of Sharon Stone whose husband was played by Robert DeNiro.

Recently James played the defense attorney turned prosecutor in "Shark." In this role he lived in a killer mansion, drove the hottest car on TV and dated the hottest women. He had the best job in Hollywood for three seasons until they cancelled the show. I think they were jealous.

Regardless of that, he is one of the most serious poker players in Hollywood. And he does well there, too. He had a lot of fun on the Celebrity Poker Tournament at the Palms Hotel that was televised so we got to enjoy it, too.

++++

Rita Rudner has found a new home on The Strip in her own showroom at Harrah's hotel. She lives in a penthouse across from the Hilton Hotel so I was not surprised to see her getting in her limo at the Fashion Show Mall loaded down with shopping bags. I learned a long time ago that shopping is hunting and fishing for women.

Rita is a big hit with her clean and very funny jokes suitable for families yet so cutting edge. Not two weeks later, I took a woman to Rita's building for a business meeting with her. Too bad, she didn't have something I could carry up for her.