She walked to the kitchen window and looked outside. The only thing that threatened to put a damper on her spirit was the weather. It was frightful outside, and as the newspaper had predicted, much worse this morning. During the night, she heard branches snapping and loud noises that sounded like small items being tossed around or slammed against the barn or house. She’d tried to secure everything in the barn before the storm, but maybe she’d missed some things.
Blustery winds continued to swirl the heavy snow, burying everything in a blanket of white. Thankfully, no trees grew near her house. In the distance, she could see toppled branches covered in thick ice, the limbs quickly being buried by a mix of ice and snow. Sadie had never seen the weather like this. She began to wonder if Kade would be able to make it the short distance from the cottage to the farmhouse.
She heard a knock, and the kitchen door opened.
“This is unbelievable!” he said when he came in. “I wasn’t sure I was going to get here before I froze to death. I can’t feel my cheeks.”
Sadie put her hands on her hips. “Kade, there is a face covering inside your hood. Why didn’t you pull it around your face?”
He really doesn’t know anything about cold weather
.
He shrugged, then smiled. “I don’t know.”
Sadie swiveled toward the oven. “I need to stir the eggs.” She could hear his footsteps behind her.
“Hey, Tyler.” Kade took a seat on the bench across from Tyler. “What are you doing?”
Sadie pulled the spoon from the skillet and placed it on the counter, then turned to face Kade and Tyler. “He’s been having a
gut
time rearranging the jams and jellies,” she said. Kade turned toward her and smiled.
Why did her heart have to flutter so when he was near?
After breakfast, Kade helped Sadie clear the table—again—as if it was the most common task in the world. She’d asked him not to, but he’d insisted—again. Kade had carried on all through breakfast about how delicious the meal was, and Sadie knew she’d blushed more than once.
She didn’t have much to do this time of year, even more so with the weather this way, but Kade didn’t appear in much of a hurry to leave either. Once the kitchen was clean, he sat down on the rug in the den with his son and made words with Tyler’s plastic letters. Sadie excused herself for a moment.
She was returning from the bathroom, and as she neared the den, she heard Kade’s voice.
“Tyler, I’m going to make a good life for you,” he said. “I’m going to be a good father.”
His words touched Sadie, and she knew she would continue to pray for both of them, even when they were gone.
Kade glanced up at her when she walked into the den. “We’re making words. Do you want to join us?”
This is not the same man who showed up a few weeks ago
, Sadie thought, as she sat down on the rug across from Kade.
“My mother loved to play Scrabble when I was a kid,” Kade said. “I know this is a far cry from Scrabble, but playing with Tyler like this reminds me of those times. It was one of the few things we did together, usually on a rainy afternoon when I got home from school and couldn’t go outside to play, and she couldn’t play tennis and didn’t have any other commitments.”
“Is your
mamm
. . . ?”
“Alive?” Kade pulled his eyes from hers. “No, she died right before Tyler was born. Breast cancer.”
“I’m sorry.” Sadie could see that it was a tender subject for Kade. “Do you have brothers and sisters?”
“No. I’m an only child.” Kade leaned in toward Tyler. “Guess you will be, too, buddy.”
They sat quietly for a few moments, and Sadie thought about Kade’s comment.
Does he assume he will never remarry and have more children?
It was customary to remarry quickly in her community, after the death of a spouse, but perhaps the
Englisch
did things differently.
After a while, Kade opened up to her in a way that surprised Sadie. He told her how his father had developed Alzheimer’s disease as a fairly young man. That it was similar to the confusion that Jonas was having, which explained how Kade had known how to handle Jonas at the pub. He said that, just like Jonas, his father would be lucid some of the time, but then would get disoriented, often while he was at work. When that happened, he would leave and later call Kade’s mother from somewhere unfamiliar and tell her he didn’t know how he got there.
He went on to tell her that when he came home from college one Friday night, his mother told him that his dad had been missing since the day before. Police, neighbors, employees—everyone was looking for Paul Saunders. Kade ended up being the one to find his father in a field behind a neighbor’s estate the next day. He described what his father looked like after being dead almost two days in the hundred-degree heat. The police believed that he’d gotten lost, couldn’t find his way back, and ended up having heatstroke. It was a heartbreaking story, and Sadie couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for Kade.
“Do you know I never told Monica about that?” He shook his head. “I mean, she knew a little bit about what happened, but I never felt comfortable enough to talk about it.”
Sadie was touched by the comment and realized that she felt unusually comfortable talking with Kade as well. An
Englischer
with whom she had nothing in common. She shared her story about her father’s death, although thankfully, it wasn’t as dramatic—a heart attack. Not long after that, she told him about Ben. Kade listened with compassion and sympathy. By lunchtime, she and Kade were clearly in a new place. It was bewildering, yet wonderful. She hadn’t talked to anyone like this since Ben. And, if she was honest with herself, she and Ben seldom had such deep conversations. Their relationship had brought her comfort and reassurance, knowing she was loved unconditionally, but they rarely spoke about emotional matters. Perhaps they’d never needed to.
Kade had suggested that maybe Tyler would like to draw, and Sadie had rounded up a pad of paper and some pens. Circles. Tyler liked drawing circles, and he occupied himself for a bit longer.
“I called my friend Val,” he said as they sipped on a cup of hot cocoa. His face scrolled into a frown, and Sadie waited for him to go on. “But I didn’t tell him I knew about him and Monica.” He paused. “I’m not for sure, and I think I’d like to keep it that way. Besides . . .” He took a deep breath. “I’ve known Val for a long time, and I could hear in his voice that he is suffering.”
“That must have been very hard to do, no?” Sadie couldn’t understand the life Kade led, but she was appreciating her life more and more. Guilt once again rose to the surface as she realized that, despite her own suffering, she’d been blessed in so many ways.
“It wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. At first, I wanted to lash out at Val. And a few weeks ago, I would have.” Kade stood up and grabbed a log from beside the fireplace and tossed it on the fire. “But something about being here, about spending time with Tyler, with you—” He twisted around to face her for a moment, and then returned to the fire, pushing the wood with the poker. “I’m questioning what my entire life has been about. And the kind of person I’ve been and who I might become.” Then he chuckled. “Sounds nuts, huh?”
“No,” Sadie said in a somber voice. “I don’t think so. It’s only natural sometimes to question one’s place in this world.”
He walked back over to where Sadie and Tyler were sitting on the floor, but he didn’t sit down. Tyler toyed with Kade’s shoestring, and Kade zoned in on Sadie, a serious expression on his face. “Do you have any idea how much money I have?”
What an odd question.
“No, I do not.”
Kade grinned. “And you don’t care in the least, either, do you?”
Sadie wasn’t sure if he was angry or grateful. But he was right. “No,” she said simply. In his defense, and to be truthful, she added, “But money is measured in our community, just like in the
Englisch
world. Just not in the same way.”
“What do you mean?” Kade sat back down in time for Tyler to hand him a picture of dozens of tiny circles. “This is great, Tyler.” He reached out to touch the boy, but Tyler pulled away. Sadie thought about how Tyler had sat in her lap earlier.
Perhaps
it’s because I am a woman.
But she could see the hurt in Kade’s eyes. She took a deep breath and thought out her response.
“There are those in our Old Order district who have more money than others. For example, Elam Lapp has a fine carpentry business. He makes a
gut
living. For Christmas, he gave his seventeen- year-old daughter a solid piece of oak furniture.” Sadie paused when Tyler handed her a picture similar to the one he made for Kade. “
Danki
, Tyler.” She smiled at Tyler, and then turned back to Kade. “But John King gave his daughter, Ellie, of the same age, an oak box to put on her bedside table, for keeping her personal items in. Not worth nearly as much money, but I bet Ellie found it equally as pleasing, because her
daed
made it for her.” Sadie paused. “We do not value money the same way as the
Englisch
. It is necessary for survival, but one man’s wealth is not weighed against another’s.”
“Maybe we’re not as different as you think. I’m sure there are similar situations among
Englisch
families.”
Sadie couldn’t help but wonder what the extent of Kade’s wealth was. “Is it rude to ask you how much money you do have?” She raised her brow.
Kade laughed. “I suppose you would think it silly if I said I didn’t know?”
“
Ya
, I would.” And she meant it. She knew how much money she had, or didn’t have, at all times. “We might be plain, Kade, but we know that it takes money to survive. It used to be that our men worked the farms and made a
gut
living, but now only a few are able to do that. Womenfolk help out by working in bakeries and selling jams, jellies, quilts, and crafts. Our way of life is changing a bit, but we still adhere to the
Ordnung
and try to stay as disconnected from the
Englisch
world as we can.”
“Why is that, anyway?”
“What?”
“Why do you have to stay disconnected from our world? How does that benefit your community?”
“To be unequally yoked is threatening to our people.” This was a conversation he most likely wouldn’t understand, but Sadie didn’t understand much of what Kade said or believed either.
“How do I threaten you?” He leaned back on his elbows, crossed his ankles. Kade Saunders looked most comfortable in her home.
“I don’t question my faith, Kade. Nor do I question the faith of those in my community. We
know
what we believe and practice it in our daily lives.” Sadie felt a pang of conscience but pressed on. “That’s not to say that someone in the
Englisch
world does not have the same faith that we do. We just don’t know for sure. Here in our community, we know, with no doubts. There is no threat that someone will steer us from what we know to be true. It would be unheard-of.”
Kade was still resting on his elbows. “So you don’t want anyone from the
Englisch
world to tempt you to leave here?”
“No, that’s not exactly it. We have an opportunity to leave during our
rumschpringe
. If we choose to leave prior to our baptism, we will not face a shunning. Once we are baptized, we have vowed to God a life dedicated to serving Him by following the
Ordnung
.
We don’t feel temptation to leave, but if we are unequally yoked, nonbelievers can cause us to question our faith, and questioning of God’s will is not something we believe in.” Again, Sadie’s guilt came to the forefront, fueled by her own lack of trust in God’s will lately.
“So anything that happens, no matter how bad, is God’s will?” Kade narrowed his brows and pressed his lips together for a moment. “I admire your ability to believe that.”
“There is nothing admirable about it. To question God’s will is not something we ever . . .” Sadie turned away from him. How could she continue to preach to him when she was repeatedly failing at this very thing?
She drew in a deep breath, gathered herself, and turned back toward him. “Perhaps I am not the person to tell you of these things.”
Kade smiled, his eyes brimming with tenderness and compassion. “I think you are just the right person.”
Sadie lifted herself from the floor and walked to the window, confused by how easily she had shared her most intimate feelings with Kade.
He might be
Englisch, Sadie thought,
but he is still a man
. She had been guilty of returning Kade’s tender gazes. It had been hard not to, after all they had shared this morning. But she was wrong to encourage any thoughts that might hint at more than friendship.
She stared out the window and wondered if Kade was having any ideas about going back to the cottage. The storm didn’t seem any worse, but it didn’t seem any better either. Sadie looked over her shoulder at Kade. The man didn’t look like he was going anywhere, stretched out across the rug beside his son. She turned back around and couldn’t help but grin. If Bishop Ebersol knew about this . . .
But then she reminded herself of the seriousness of her actions. The bishop might not find out about this time spent with Kade, but Sadie knew she was crossing the line.
And God knows.
She didn’t have the heart to force Kade to bundle up Tyler and carry the child out into the storm. With the way the wind was swirling around, it would actually be quite dangerous. Hopefully, conditions would improve soon. She decided to lighten the conversation.
“Maybe when the storm clears, you and Tyler can build a snowman.” She walked back over to the middle of the room and took a seat next to Tyler. “Do you think you would like that, Tyler?” Tyler didn’t acknowledge the question. By now, he’d drawn mazes of circles on at least twenty different sheets of paper.
“I’ve never made a snowman,” Kade said. He sat up and leaned toward Tyler. “Maybe when the weather gets better, we’ll do that together, Tyler.”
“You have never made a snowman? Not even as a child?” Sadie raised her brows, thinking how sad that was.