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“I didn’t follow you to be a pain in the ass. I followed you to calm you down. I don’t want to get involved; I just went outside with Tommy for a smoke. If you promise not to judge me for having a sneaky cigarette on a night out, I won’t judge you for what I saw. Deal?”

His attempt at lightening my mood worked, and I nodded, relaxing a little. “Deal.”

I was about to offer him a drink when the doormen fled outside. I felt the colour drain from my cheeks as Ethan and I exchanged a panicked look and ran out after them.

Miguel had Tommy pinned up against the wall; not an easy thing to do since Tommy was at least a foot taller than Miguel. I’d never seen Miguel so angry; his eyes blazed with rage and his hands shoved against Tommy’s chest, slamming him into the wall again. The doormen grabbed Miguel and pulled him away, and Tommy made a hasty retreat back into the disco while Miguel struggled to get free.

“You need to go home. Now,” one of the doormen said, looking at Miguel before turning to me and adding, “Get him out of here.”

My mouth opened and closed, totally lost for words at what I’d witnessed.

“Their stuff is still inside,” Ethan said. “Can we at least go in and get it?”

“You go. These two are staying out here.”

I flicked my eyes back to Miguel as one of the doormen escorted Ethan inside, and the other reluctantly let Miguel go and went back to his position. He glared as he walked by, as if this was somehow my fault.

Miguel, still seething, took off towards my car. Both of us were still barefoot, and the gravel pricked at my heels and toes with every step as I hobbled after him, wincing as sharp bits of stone clung to my feet.

“What the hell?” I asked as he stopped by my car.

Miguel leaned back against it, blowing out a breath. “He’s going to tell everyone.”

“Of course he is now you’ve attacked him! Why would you do that?”

His eyes shifted down to the ground, and my heart quickly followed as understanding crept over me.

“What did he say, Miguel?”

Like I couldn’t have guessed. Just because I hadn’t heard with my own ears, didn’t mean I didn’t know. He thought Miguel was a bastard and I was a whore.

“You don’t want to hear it.”

I didn’t need to. I had a feeling I’d be hearing it over and over again for the next few days at least. Probably longer. That was if anyone could stand to speak to me.

This was everything I didn’t want, and as it all crashed down on me again, the overbearing weight of what I’d done, of my betrayal, pushed hard on my, stealing my breath.

“Now what?” I rubbed my hand across my aching forehead. “How are we supposed to handle this?”

“I don’t know. This is all my fault. This was not the right place for us to talk.”

“It’s not
all
your fault. I had a say in this. I kissed you back.” I lifted my head. “I wanted to kiss you.”

Miguel straightened and took a step forward, reaching out for my hands. “I don’t know what this is between us, but I think we have to make a choice. Soon everyone will know Tommy saw us kissing, and we need to tell them something.”

“I’d like to tell them to mind their own business.”

Miguel smiled, gently pulling me into him and resting his hands on my waist. “Me too. But that’s not what they want to hear.”

“The only thing we can do is tell them it was a mistake. I got upset, you comforted me, we let things get out of control. That’s the only explanation they’ll maybe accept.”

“It’s not the truth.”

“The truth sucks!” I pushed him away, glaring. This wasn’t his fault but I wished things were different. Wished I could turn back the clock. “What are we supposed to do? Tell them we’re getting it on when Will only died five months ago?”

“Don’t do that,” Miguel said through gritted teeth. “Don’t make it sound so cold.”

“It
is
cold! Who other than cold-hearted people would do something like this? We’re going to lose everyone, Miguel!” I pointed towards the building where our friends were probably learning about our betrayal as we spoke. “All those people in there who have been so good to us are going to hate us for this! Tommy already proved that!”

“And what did Ethan say?”

I shook my head. “He said he didn’t want to get involved. It’s different for him though. He didn’t know Will.”

“Freya.” Miguel turned me to face him and rested one hand against my cheek. I closed my eyes for a second, once again letting his calmness flow through me. How did he do that? How did he manage to calm me in any situation? Especially one as serious as this. “Whatever we tell people, we need to be on the same page and I don’t want this to end with us avoiding each other again. We still need each other. That’s just about the only thing that hasn’t changed. Don’t let this ruin how far we’ve come.”

Chapter 9 – The Queen of Bad Decisions

I had no idea how long I’d been in bed. I drove Miguel home the night before then went home, put on my PJs, turned off my cell and unplugged my landline, and climbed under my comforter.

I hadn’t slept, just stared at the ceiling, trying to make sense of my life. As the daylight crept in through the gap in the curtains, the photo of Will and me on the dresser came into view, our smiling faces torturing me.

I stared at it; the captured memory causing an ache in my chest. The photo had been taken at Genie’s one night when Will and I had gone out because we didn’t feel like cooking. By coincidence, Bree and Jude were there too. Bree, in her usual way, had gushed about how cute we were, and she just had to take our picture. In the photo, our cheeks touched, both of us smiling, happiness making our eyes glimmer.

At least Will knew I loved him.
So many people lose loved ones, and carry the burden of not knowing whether the person they lost knew how much they were cared for. I never had that fear. Will knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. We told each other every single day. “I love you” was the last thing I said to him before he left that day and never came home. That love had both helped me and crippled me at the same time. It kept my heart beating in the moments when I wanted it to stop, but loving someone so much when you can’t be with them anymore, can’t reach them to tell them, weighs you down. I was drowning in the same love that had once kept me afloat.

Tears streamed down my cheeks, my eyes still fixed on the photograph. At the man I still loved, and would love for the rest of my life.

“What am I going to do?” I said aloud. “What the hell am I going to do?”

A loud knock on my door broke into my thoughts and jolted me back into the real world. There was no way I was answering the knock. Not while I still had no idea what to say to anyone.

The knocking grew louder, more persistent and I took a few long breaths. They’d give up when I didn’t answer; for all they knew I’d stayed somewhere else for the night. That’s what a smart person would have done. I should have gone to my mom’s house to avoid reality until I absolutely couldn’t put it off any longer.

“Freya, open the damn door!”

The voice accompanying the banging belonged to Leah, who was just about the last person I was ready to face. I contemplated ignoring her but she didn’t stop hammering. “I can stay here all day pissing off the neighbours, Freya! Let me in!”

Crap. I leapt off the bed and ran down the hallway. Leah’s arm was poised ready to knock again when I flung the door open. When she saw me, still in my nightclothes and my hair in disarray, she lowered her hand.

“I was about to admit defeat,” she said softly, her eyes fixed firmly on mine.

My tears fell harder and I lowered my head. I knew she wasn’t mad at me and it made me feel worse. She
should
have been mad. Instead, her eyes only held kindness and I sank to the floor, eaten up with guilt.

Leah squeezed through the gap in the door, closing it behind her, and reached down for my hands.  “I’d sit beside you, but if I get down there I’ll never get up again.”

An awkward snort/giggle erupted from me and I let her pull me to my feet and lead me to the living room. The moment we sat down on the sofa, Leah and I wound our arms around each other and I sobbed into her shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, Leah. I’m sorry.”

“What’s happened?” she asked, gently. “Tell me.”

“You don’t know?” I lifted my head, my eyebrows pulling together in confusion.

Leah shook her head. “I’ve been on the wrong end of misunderstandings so I don’t believe anything until I’ve spoken to the person involved.”

“You know
something
.”

“I heard some things last night.”

I couldn’t tell what she was thinking; her face was totally neutral and I shuffled back a little, readying myself to confirm the things she already knew. With a sigh, I ran my hands through my hair. “Could you make this easier for me? What did you hear?”

“Tommy said he saw you and Miguel kissing last night.”

“Is that all?”

Leah raised an eyebrow. “There’s more?”

“No! Yes. I don’t know.” I plucked out the pillow from behind me and hugged it close to me. “The thing about the kissing is true. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“The truth would be good.”

With a sigh, I lifted my legs and tucked them underneath me, still clinging to the pillow like it would somehow help me explain to my best friend why I’d made out with her ex-boyfriend. Could I really tell her everything? Right from the beginning? Or would I think up an appropriate cover story, like I’d told Miguel I would? I wondered if anyone had called him too, demanding an explanation. What would he say to them? We hadn’t reached a decision on what to do; we both stupidly thought we’d have the day to figure it out. But of course people would want answers before then. This was Westberg.

“This is so messed up,” I mumbled, trying to hold back a fresh wave of tears. “I didn’t mean for you to find out this way. I didn’t mean for anyone to find out until I know if there’s anything to tell. I don’t want you to hate me.”

“Why would I hate you?”

“You need a list? Because of Will, and because you and Miguel used to date, and-”

“Hey.” Leah sat up straighter, looking into my eyes again. “Please, just tell me what’s happening.”

With a sigh, I started to explain everything that had occurred since the night at the club. The uncensored version, including sleeping with Miguel and how messed up my feelings had been since then. Leah listened without interrupting but I couldn’t look her in the eye. In fact, I looked everywhere but directly at her most of the time I spoke. I’d done way too many things I was ashamed of; things that would hurt her and our friends.

When I finished, with the way Miguel and I left things the night before, I still couldn’t look at her. I just waited, head down, staring at the fibres of the pillow until they began to blur in front of my eyes.

“Why are you hiding from me?” she asked, eventually.

“Because I’m an awful, selfish person and I don’t want to see you looking at me that way when I already know what I am.”

Leah tugged the pillow from my hands, leaving me staring at my knees. “Who do you think you’re talking to? This is me, Freya. The queen of bad decisions. Look at me.”

I lifted my head, tears already clouding my eyes. There was no judgement on her face; no hurt or anger. Just Leah. My best friend who never judged anyone.

“You should be so mad at me.” My voice trembled as I spoke.

“Why? For acting on something you wanted? For trying to be happy?”

“For stomping over Will’s memory by sleeping with your ex-boyfriend!”

Leah shook her head. “That’s not what you’ve done.”

“No? Then why do I feel that way?” I unfolded my legs and stood up, running my hands through my hair again, tugging on the ends in frustration. “I can only imagine what everyone else thinks of me after last night.” When Leah didn’t immediately reassure me things would be fine I gave a bitter laugh. “I knew it.”

“I can’t speak for everyone. The only people I spoke to about this were Ethan and Bryce.”

I flicked my head towards her. What if Bryce had already told her what he knew? No. If he’d done that, Leah would have told me right away instead of making me go over everything. Plus, Bryce wouldn’t have given up a secret he’d promised to keep. But what
did
he say? When I voiced the question, Leah smiled.

“We’ve all got eyes. We noticed you and Miguel are closer than before, but none of us knew how close.”

I squeezed my eyes closed against the ache that had started to bang inside my skull. So Bree wasn’t the only one who’d noticed a change. If people had noticed us getting closer, it meant that they were seeing something, and if they saw it too, how the hell could we deny it?

But how could we accept it?

“Leah, I don’t know… I don’t understand any of this. I really need to know how you feel, and what you think because I’m freaking out about losing you.”

“Do you think I’m that judgemental?”

“No! I think you’re human. Most people are going to have something to say about this and you have more reason than anyone to be upset.”

“No, I don’t. Miguel and I…” Leah trailed off, sighing. “What we had was short. It was special, and I’ll never forget it, but I was the one who ruined it. I have no right to have any opinion on what he does, or who he goes out with. I would normally be the first to defend “the rules” when it comes to dating a friend’s ex, but those rules don’t apply here. I cheated on him. I’m not angry with you. As for Will… I’ve been thinking about this all night. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, Freya. When I think about Will it still hurts that he’s not here. It must be a million times harder for you.”

I clenched my jaw, hoping to stop the tears from falling again. “Yeah. It’s hard. Every damn day is hard.”

“So… if Miguel has helped you, how is that a bad thing?”

“It’s been five months,” I whispered. “It’s too soon.”

“Too soon for what? To be happy?”

“Maybe. It’s definitely too soon for me to have hopped into bed with Will’s best friend.”

“Don’t make it sound so heartless,” Leah said, echoing what Miguel said to me in the parking lot. “This is hurting you. You didn’t do this because you don’t care anymore. You did it because you needed someone.” She held out her hand, and I took it, swallowing the lump in my throat at her understanding. “I haven’t spoken to Miguel about this, and if you don’t want me to, I won’t. But I don’t think this is easy for him either.”

“It’s not. He hates himself as much as I hate myself. It’s one big hate-fest.”

Leah tugged on my hand, beckoning me to sit down again. “How do you feel? Don’t give me any watered down crap, I want the truth.”

She asked as if the question had a simple answer. If I could just say, “Yes, I want Miguel” or, “No, I made a mistake and I don’t want him,” life would be better. The truth wasn’t as straightforward.

“You wanna know how I feel?” I asked. “Awful. No matter how hard I try, I can’t put into words how much I miss Will. It’s better than it was at first, but some days I still wish I could crawl into bed and cry all day and all night. Some days the ache of missing him is so strong I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t concentrate on anything, not even the simple things so I end up doing nothing, just staring into space and waiting for the pain to ease. I miss the sound of his voice, even when he was bitching at me to pick up my clothes or put the dishes away.” I choked on a laugh, trying and failing to keep hold of my emotions. “I miss everything I thought we would have.”

Leah brushed a tear from her cheek. “So what do you want to do?”

“Hide. Take another four months off work until this is over.”

She gave an understanding smile. “Realistically.”

“Realistically, I don’t know. This is going to sound weird in light of what I’ve told you but I can’t make any sense of my feelings for Miguel. He’s been amazing.
He’s
amazing. When I’m with him everything’s easier but it’s not okay to think about him in a romantic way. It’s not okay that we slept together, or that we kissed last night. I don’t know if I want to be with him, but I do know that I don’t want to be with him like this. When I’m so damn confused. It wouldn’t be fair. Last night he asked me to just let this be whatever it is, and I was so close to saying yes. To letting us go with our feelings and see where they lead us. Now everyone knows and that choice is gone.”

Silence fell between us and I let my head fall onto Leah’s shoulder again, waiting for her advice. She was weighing it up in her head, I knew it. Eventually she said, “Whatever you decide to do, I’ll be here for you. So will everyone in your life who matters. Don’t rush your decision because you think people are judging you. You and Miguel have both been hurt enough.”

“Am I weak, Leah? I mean, I turned to Miguel for comfort. Am I weak for needing a man in my life?”

“You don’t need ‘a man’ in your life. You’ve done the single thing. You did it for years. You need
Miguel
. And at this point, I don’t think you need him as much as you think you do.”

“It feels really wrong. Dating? Already?”

Leah shook her head. “Who says you have to define it?”

“Everyone else will define it.”

“Screw them.” Leah sat forward a little, placing her hands on her swollen stomach. “Remember how things were for Radleigh and me? Everyone was talking about us before they knew the truth – before
we
even knew the truth. I ran away when I should have stayed and fought for what I wanted, because even when I came back, people were still talking. But those people weren’t the ones who mattered. The people who matter are the ones who will wait for the truth and stay by your side. You’re enjoying being with someone who understands how you feel, and whether you label it or not, there’s nothing wrong with that.”