Playing on the Edge: Sadomasochism, Risk, and Intimacy (19 page)

The achievement and maintenance of a good reputation as a bottom or a top is specific to bottoming and topping. Bottoms earn reputations as good bot- toms, and therefore receive more invitations to play, in three distinct ways.

First, because much of the appeal of topping is the sense of efficacy, the observable and immediate response of a bottom contributes significantly to the enjoyment of play by tops. Most tops consider themselves “reaction junkies.” A bottom who moans, yelps, screams, laughs, wriggles, and writhes, is thus more desirable than one who is stoic during play, all else being equal. Secondly, bot- toms with a high pain tolerance allow for more creativity and less tentativeness on the part of the top. This is often appreciated, though there are tops who play lightly and who therefore prefer to play with bottoms who do not need intense stimulation in order to be satisfied (or responsive). However, bottoms with a high pain tolerance are accorded a high status even by such players; the dif- ference is understood as an incompatibility, but the bottom has a very definite elevated status. Finally, bottoms who are edgy or extreme in their SM activity tend to have higher social status than those who are not. For the same reason as outlined above, bottoms who have fewer limits provide their partners with more possibilities, and often the opportunity to engage in play in which most others are uninterested.

Tops achieve high status in the community foremost through developing their technical skills. Mastery (relative to other tops) of a particular skill, such as throwing a singletail or playing with fire, can confer status, as can proficiency in a wide range of skills.

For the particular people in this particular community, paths to status are meaningful. Marginal identities here do not preclude the attainment of social status. In fact status may be viewed as more achievable given the sources of marginal identity in Caeden. From expertise in Boy Scout knots to meticulous leather care, gadgetry of various kinds is often understood as the domain of geeks. Geekiness is therefore viewed as conducive to the mastery of SM toys.

I enjoy the cane very much, because of its precision. I enjoy the skill of rope, for both its . . . I enjoy several things about rope. I like the, its sensuality, its physicality of it and also its skill level. I mean, people who are good with rope have
practiced.
And have thought about it. And rope is very . . . it’s artistic and it’s mathematical and it’s complex and it really appeals to the geek in me. (Interview transcript, Seth; italics reflect spoken emphasis)

Fatness does not detract from success in play, and arguably enhances it; larg- er bodies offer a more imposing presence as tops and the potential for more surfaces and longer scenes as bottoms. The community is rife with opportuni- ties for status, prestige, and even fame in the national scene, often for people whose access to status is more limited elsewhere.

In part because of the romantic view of Caeden as “home,” people in the scene are sensitive to, and generous regarding, issues of social status. The rein- forcement of good reputations is considered good etiquette rather than poor taste. Participants speak very highly of good players with such frequency that it seems obligatory to do so. For example, although I did not ask questions about other members of the scene in my interviews, most respondents told lengthy stories about other people’s scenes and complimented other players, with little provocation and little apparent relevance to their own answers. Further, nega- tive comments about the skills of others are rare; players are very careful about reputation management and normally reserve unflattering remarks for situa- tions in which a concern for safety exists.

SM participants gain a number of social and emotional benefits from play itself and from the community more broadly. These particular rewards are especially meaningful for people with marginal identities, whose life stories are organized around themes of isolation, loss, and trauma.

Despite structuring interaction in ways that create and maintain experiences of inequality among its members, the discursive connections between SM and theater provide vague access to the ideological (and emotional) defense that SM is less than fully real. On another level, for many people in this community, the fantasy element connects SM to other fantasy interests, such as science-fiction novels, films, and role-playing adventure games. From this perspective, SM can be understood as an all-encompassing lifestyle that, in its nurturance of mar- ginal identity, represents liberation from the oppressive plight of the everyman. SM play constitutes “flashes of intense living against the dull background of everyday life” (Csíkszentmihályi 1997).

SM is liberation not just from the mundane, but from the margins of the mundane. Through the acquisition and demonstration of specialized skills, the members of this community achieve social and interpersonal status. The paths to status, moreover, are clear and unambiguous; if members play well and get involved, they are all but guaranteed a high status in the community. In turn, this status confers desirability as a play partner, which is experienced by some as sexual or romantic desirability.

Like other serious leisure pursuits, SM requires a specialized set of skills, provides particular social-psychological rewards, and constructs multiple paths to social status within the community. Framing SM as a serious leisure pursuit shifts the focus away from the ultimately unhelpful questions about whether SM is or is not deviant sex, and allows us to understand SM as, most funda- mentally, social behavior.

Badasses, Servants, and Martyrs
103

Chapter 5

Badasses, Servants, and Martyrs

Gender Performances

Two hours before the costume party at the Playground, I still hadn’t found an outfit. I’d heard that this was a busy event and I knew I could be meeting a lot of new people. I didn’t want to be something cutesy or submissive, but since I was still fairly new to the scene, I also didn’t want to stand out.

I rummaged through my closet and chose a copper-colored crinoline ball skirt and a brown lace-up peasant top with poufy sleeves. I folded a white linen sheet, doubled it over the skirt, and fastened it like an apron. I piled my hair on top of my head in a loose curly bun and pulled some strands out. Then I shook my head at my reflection. What were they called, these women? Serving girl . . . bar wench? I sighed, but it would work. When in Rome . . .

When I pulled my car up in front of Casey’s place, she was leaning against the building, drawing a deep breath on a cigarette, a la James Dean. She looked incredibly intimidating for a large, almost-forty-year old woman dressed as Minnie Mouse.

Casey and I arrived just moments after the doors opened, and the club was packed. Marty stood near the door, greeting people as they entered. He pointed at my costume and gave me a thumbs-up. I nodded politely and turned away. I heard him call out to someone behind me.

“Hey, she’s a tavern wench. Want a beer?” Then, to me, he yelled, “Hey, wench!

Two beers! Hey, wench!”

Irritated, I ignored him. I could feel him watching me, and I concentrated on what Casey was saying.

“Two beers, wench!!” he tried again. I did not respond.

Once we finished checking in, we headed into the main room and saw Raven, who was dressed as a vampire. We hugged our hello. Behind Raven stood Russ

103

and Jody, talking with a man I had noticed but not met during my first SM meeting. He was a short, pudgy, cheerful-looking man, thirty-something. He was not in costume. He wore black pants and a black T-shirt that was too tight. The lenses in his thick plastic glasses were badly smudged. He had a moustache, a thick goatee, and an overbite. Russ introduced us, but it was loud and we could hardly hear each other.

He extended his hand. “I’m Liam. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?” “Dakota,” I said, shaking his hand.

Liam continued a story he had apparently been telling before I joined them. “I mean, it’s only one word, but it’s so clear what they mean . . . ‘Women!” He

said the last word in faux exasperation and laughed. “And then everyone knows what a man means when he says it. It’s pretty offensive, if you think about it. It’s just not okay to say it like that!” His voice cracked on the last word. He giggled.

Casey joined us. I was about to introduce her when Liam turned to her and asked, “Do you say ‘Men!’ the way men say ‘Women!?’ It’s rude, isn’t it?” he asked her.

Casey surveyed him coolly. I held my breath, not sure how she was going to take his assumption. It depended on whether she decided she liked him or not.

“No, I don’t. But when I say, ‘Women!’ like that, I mean exactly the same thing that men do.”

I grinned and slipped away, as Liam stammered an apology and Casey laughed graciously. In the room next to us, it looked like Doug and Liza were starting a scene, and I wanted to watch them. Liza was bent backwards over a chair, and Doug was using a Wartenberg wheel across her stomach. She made very loud, low-pitched noises that were not quite moans and not quite shrieks. I had never seen a wheel before, but it looked painful. I did not know what to make of her sounds.

While I was watching, Liam approached me and asked me about my research.

He wondered whether I was a member of “SCA.” “No, I don’t know what that is,” I told him.

“Society for Creative Anachronism. I thought maybe, because of the costume . . .” he trailed off. “I like SCA. All that stuff—SCA, fantasy stuff. And computers. Geek stuff. I’m quite a geek.” He had a big, warm smile and an infectious giggle.

I laughed. “That’s not unusual around here, I’m noticing.”

We talked for a bit about geekiness in the scene, and about science fiction fandom. When Doug and Liza’s scene caught his attention, he said, “Oooh, a Wartenberg wheel. I love those—it’s my favorite toy. The one I have is better than that, though.”

After a brief pause, he asked, “Dakota, do you top or bottom?”

I was impressed that he asked it this way. The usual question, “Are you a dominant or a submissive?” is much less comfortable for me. I appreciated the fact that he located scene identities in verbs rather than nouns, and I liked the language he chose.

“I bottom.”

He said nothing more. We stood and watched the scene until it ended. I mingled again.

I talked with Russ for a while. He touched my back lightly and commented on the open-ness of my shirt—perfect for flogging, he said. While we were talking, Adam came over and wagged his finger at me, in a “come here” way. I raised my eyebrows at him, but followed without objection.

He stopped at the entrance of the smoking playroom and turned to me.

“So, what’s your situation?” he asked, “. . . because my hand’s so itchy to spank you.”

I bristled at that, for about a dozen reasons. I told him, truthfully, that I didn’t generally play with people I hadn’t watched in scene.

“You haven’t seen me play?” he exclaimed in apparent surprise. I told him that I hadn’t, and he marveled at how I could possibly have
ever
been at the club without seeing him play. He was obnoxious, but not offensively so . . . one of those people whose certainty of his own charm somehow doesn’t make him any less charming.

I excused myself and wandered around again. I stopped to watch a special event: “Master George,” dressed as a pimp, was supervising a “ho’-flogging.” Sev- eral women (his “hos”) took a turn at being flogged by anyone who was interested, so long as the flogging was limited to the ass.

A few minutes into the scene, Liam was beside me. We started chatting again, and he began to show me his toys. He had an unusual collection—a few he had made himself, including a lanyard flogger. While I was looking at them, he said, “You know, we could find a corner somewhere and I could try them on you.”

Having never seen Liam play either, I was noncommittal: “Yeah?” But this sounded casual and experimental to me—as if we’d just fool around with his cool toy collection.

Fifteen minutes later, I still I hadn’t decided whether this was a good idea. Liam took a turn at flogging a woman in George’s “ho’-flogging” event, providing me with an opportunity to watch him play. He talked during it, to the bottom, and seemed strangely unself-conscious, despite his definite lack of coolness. He seemed so comfortable in his skin.

A little while after that, he asked directly: “So do you want to go try some of these out?”

“Sure,” I said, half-surprising myself at the decision.

I followed him to the nook around the corner from the smoking room. I took off my top and stood near the wall. He began by smacking my back repeatedly, in order to warm the skin. The force surprised me; I realized that I had expected his touch to be gentler . . . maybe even tickly. The rhythm of his thump-thump- thump on my back was pleasant, but I was lost in thought.

Perhaps because of that, he seemed antsy. “Come on, back—warm up,” he laughed.

Once he was ready (or once he thought I was ready), he turned to his toy bag. The lanyard flogger was what I’d expected: cold and very stingy. A large, thick knotted rope with a quadruple knot at the end—he called it a “thumper”—seemed to reverberate through me when he hit my back and shoulders with it. His home- made “vampire gloves” were black leather gloves lined with pins or tacks: mini-nail beds that he used to scratch and slap my back.