Poison Princess (49 page)

He nodded easily. “And it reminds me of you—every move I make, I think of you.”

My lips parted. Again I realized that he was the only thing in my life that made me feel sane, made me
want
to fight for a future.

“Evangeline, I've got to feel you with my every step.” His shaking hand closed over my nape, squeezing. “Or I go a little crazy, me.”

Despite everything, I felt a tendril of hope. Jackson wanted me. I wanted him. Which was all that should matter, right? He never needed to learn what I was. Gran could teach me how to rid myself of this curse, or how to keep it buried forever—without slipping to that cowardly other side.

With her guidance, this didn't have to be an either-or situation. I could learn how to be a normal again!

And we were only weeks away from the Outer Banks. There was still time. Optimism filled me. . . .

Until I recalled yet another of the many barriers between us. “What about Selena? Didn't you two get together?”

He shook his head. “She's all right, and if I'd never met you, I might've looked twice. But I only flirted to make you jealous. To see if you felt the same way about me at all.”

“The same way?” Half of me wanted to be kissing Jackson; half of me wanted to hear anything else this beautiful boy wanted to tell me. I threw my arms around his neck, squeezing him close, uncaring of the dried blood and mud.

He stiffened at first, as if in surprise, then closed his arms around me with a groan. “Ah, I know that smell. Honeysuckle.”

I felt laughter bubbling up inside me. “Yes, yes.” I went to my toes to smooth my lips along his neck, to press kisses across his proud, weary face.

His eyes slid closed, his expression one of bliss. He rasped, “I'm goan to protect you,
bébé
.”

“I know. I know you will.”

“Never taking you to North Carolina.
Jamais.
”

I stilled, drew back. “What are you talking about? I have to find Gran.”

“Come on, Evie, we both know she probably didn't make it. We haven't seen another woman on the road. I woan let you be in danger like today.”

He wanted to call off our journey now?
Running out of time . . .
I pulled away from him, trying to keep calm.

“I got plans for us, see. We're goan back to Selena's. You can take your
coo-yôn
pet with you. But we're goan south. Back to warmth, away from plague and cannibals. You can teach me how to court you. 'Cause I doan know my way around that. You can be happy living with me. You
will
be.”

Yes, I would.
Just as soon as I was freed of this curse! “All of this is bigger than me, Jackson. I have to figure . . . have to figure
myself
out.”

“Then
tell
me what's happening. Be honest for once.
Trust
me with your secrets. I've laid mine bare.”

Tell him what I was? Or, dear God,
show
him?

Selena had been magnificent as the Archer, all grace and speed, with a goddess's poise. Matthew had his to-the-second foresight, a master of fate. Finn's talents were nearly inconceivable.

Mine? I sprouted eerie claws. I grew things through the spilling of my own blood. I could be
poisonous
. When I controlled plants, they were snakelike and shuddersome.

And what about tonight with the lotus? I'd called Selena deceptive.

Wasn't that my MO as well?

Unlike me, the other kids just seemed
enhanced
, like demigods. If I revealed to Jackson what the Empress truly looked like, how could I bear to see his disgust? I grew nauseated even thinking about showing him.

What if he saw me—and made the sign of the cross?

He had feelings for me, but only because he didn't know what I truly was. He desired me—
not
the witch. “I want to tell you,” I whispered. “But I can't. Not yet.”
Just let me have this for a little while.

His expression hardened. “Then you're coming with me. We'll talk about what you got to ‘figure out' when you can trust me.”

Real alarm spiked. Would he prevent me from leaving? Drag me back to Selena's? “I
am
going to North Carolina. And I thought you and the others would be there with me.”

“It's so damned easy for you to make these decisions! When you're not doing any of the dirty work!”

“I'm stronger than you think. If push came to shove, I could help our group.”

“Help
us
? Doing what? Are you goan to
pretty
the Bagmen to death?”

“Again, I might surprise you!”

“You can't hunt, can't fight. You're too soft!”

“You can't say that about me anymore. You don't know me—”

“Because you woan tell me!” He flung the bottle against the wall.

I felt like I'd shattered right along with it. “L-let's talk tomorrow, when you're sober. O-okay?” Trembling, I turned toward the door.

“Damn you, girl, you listen to me!” I faced him again, found him wild-eyed.

“Jackson, I will go insane if I don't discover what I'm supposed to do!”
And how to save myself!

“I
know
what you're supposed to do. You stay with me, as mine. We'll grow food, we'll live our lives. We'll build something together.”

How badly I wanted that too. My tears gathered and fell.

The anger sailed from him. “
Non
, doan cry, you.” He covered my shoulders with his palms, rubbing me with his thumbs.

“Th-there's more to this,” I insisted.

“Then
tell
me,
bébé
.” The anguish in his voice was almost my undoing. The startling gray of his glinting eyes . . . “
Trust
me.”

When I remained silent, quietly crying, his hands tightened on my shoulders. He threw back his head and roared like a madman. Then he met my gaze. “You keep your secrets from the one person you could actually depend on.” His voice raw, he rasped,
“J'tombe en botte, Evangeline! J'tombe en botte.”
I fall to ruin. “I can't keep doing this! You're coming with me, or we'll part ways in the morning.”

“Let's just talk about this—”

“Vow you'll come with me, or I've got to shut these thoughts down. I can't keep running after you, goan against all my instincts, no. Can't keep wanting and waiting. I know what that will do, I've
seen
it.”

“I-I don't have a choice.”

He released me, jamming his shoulders back. “Then I doan either. I am
done
with you, girl.”

“What does that mean?”

“I—am—
done
!”

The last word was still echoing between us when he limped out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

“You knew I was the red witch!” I snapped to Matthew under my breath.

He'd entered the bedroom directly after Jackson left, sitting without a word for what felt like hours until I'd stopped crying.

Finn had also dropped in, bringing a couple of blankets and starting a fire in the little hearth for us. “Obviously you're off the menu, blondie,” he'd said, “with your boy troubles and all. So be a sport, and tell me the swiftest way to get in Selena's pants.”

Once he'd realized I was in
no mood
, he'd raised his palms. “Hey, hey, 's'cool. Don't worry, I'll devise something. Wish me luck.” Then he'd winked and disappeared. Literally. He'd turned himself
invisible
.

Now I paced while Matthew sat on the floor, studying a piece of broken glass by firelight. “You could have told me that I was her.” I was still reeling from
all
of the night's revelations.

“You're not her.”

“Not
yet
? Because she's strong and vicious. And I'm not, right?” I said, my tone hurt.

He inclined his head. “One day you'll be known as the Poison Princess, the May Queen. Lady Lotus. Queen of Thorns. Phyta.”

“As in phytomanipulation?”

“You can
make
plants too. Phytogenesis. Without seed.”

This was titillating—until I remembered that such a talent was likely designed with murder in mind. “You did send me all those nightmares then?”

He frowned. “Nightmares? No. Just . . . dreams.”

“Who was she? Was that me in another life or something?”
Say no, say no.

“Past Empress from long, long ago. She didn't keep secrets. She was known by all. But they burn what they fear,” he said, his thoughts drifting.

“Matthew!”

“I updated the dreams for you. Because you can't speak middle English.”

But you can?
“Those
dreams
were about to drive me insane. Why would you make me experience such evil things?”

“Not
evil
. Arsenal.” With a sigh, he repeated, “Arsenal, field of battle, obstacles, foes.”

So he'd shown me all four things, either through visions or nightmares. “Arsenal? As in what I'm capable of?” I grudgingly admitted that the only reason I'd been able to create that lotus was because I'd seen the witch do it before.

The field of battle was a burned-out earth. The foes were other Arcana, like Death. Were the Bagmen the obstacles? “One problem, Matthew. I'm
not
a killer. I'm never going to
use
that arsenal to harm another. I swear to you,
it will not happen
.”

“Hmmm,” was all he said.

“This is a curse! One I'm going to rid myself of. Because of it, I had to push Jackson away. I can't stand this, Matthew. I want him so much. Tell me what I'm supposed to do.”

“Take tricks. The markings must be earned.”

“I mean about Jackson. He doesn't
want
to part ways with me any more than I do from him. He has feelings for me, deep feelings.” He'd wanted me from the start.

He'd returned to Haven for me, saving my life. He'd kept watch over me, protecting me. Even when he'd been so exasperated with me.

He'd done so much, given me so much, and I hadn't even given him my trust.

Hadn't he earned it?

“Jackson was right, about everything,” I said. “I
should
trust him. I
should
tell him my secrets.”

I'd been a coward, dreading his reaction—but could it be worse than this? He was
hurting
. And that was unbearable! My eyes watered just thinking about his voice. “I'm going to fix this. I have to tell him everything.”

Matthew turned the shard, twisting it upside down. “Secrets. You listen poorly.”

“After tonight I have two choices. I can keep these secrets. Or I can keep
him
. Which means I'll be telling him the truth, even if I have to . . . to reveal what I am.” Queasiness roiled again.

I reminded myself that Jackson said we could get through
anything
. He said there was
nothing
that could happen to me that we couldn't get past. I didn't ask for any of this—surely he would understand that!

“Matthew, when I explain my confusion and fears, he'll
want
to take me to Gran's. So I can get cured.”

Together with Jackson. A partnership. With no more secrets between us.

“I'm not going to give up on him.”
On us.
“And I am through letting Selena worm her way between us.”

“I'm sorry you want him,” Matthew began in a careful tone, as if he was trying very hard to say the exact right thing to me. “I feel your heart—it actually
aches
. I wish it didn't, Evie. You cannot have him.”

I glared down at him. “Why would you say that?”

“You don't want to be Arcana. But you
are
.” He gazed up at me with those soulful eyes. “Jack's
not
.”

“So what are you, like, a card purist or something?”

“He's a weakness. You use him as a crutch. When he helps, he hurts.”

How could that be? He made me feel
hope
. “Jackson might be the only thing that's keeping me from turning into a monster.”

Matthew shot to his feet, towering over me. “Into what you were meant to be!”

I gasped. “He
does
keep me from turning!”

Matthew's gaze slid away.

Jackson had quieted the voices, and then had acted as some kind of anchor for me—yet another reason why I should be with him.

I already wanted nothing more than to start a life with him; now it felt fated.

Matthew sank down on the bed, looking exhausted. “If you don't embrace your powers, you can't win.”