Pop Tarts: Omnibus Edition (9 page)

The game was
up.

Fake Rhino had
to come clean about everything.

Particularly
now being Only Rhino, having sent the other one off to live as Bob
Smith in Merthyr Tydfil, Wales.

“Why did you
save me?” asked Cherry, rather liking the idea of having a knight
in shining armour and omitting the fact he had also been the one
that had imprisoned her in the first place!

Oh those small
details we forget during a life and death crisis!

Rhino admitted
he was originally out for pink revenge but had grown to like
Tequila Sun and being part of the band.

He hadn’t
realised Jade was really Rita the rat, and quite literally so, as
the shape shifting bitch had morphed into one and then escaped.

The pair had
come to telly Holly the truth.

And Holly was
flabbergasted.

She and Holly
agreed that Rhino was welcome to stay in the band - which was
probably just as well - as the likeness spell had now become
permanent and Hawky Andrews was stuck in the guise and really
didn’t fancy going back to being a poodle hairdresser in
sun-drenched Sheffield.

The only
problem now was how they were going to get Felix back from the
80s!

Rhino assured
the girls he was going to work on a spell to ensure this would
happen, but he was secretly just a little bit concerned.

His magic
powers had already been depleted after all the trickery he had been
up to in recent weeks and now he was sure those remaining had in
fact been stolen.

His fairy wand
wasn’t working, no matter how many times he said waved it saying
“Abracadabra.”

He hoped to
find a way around it, but nothing the girls needed to concern
themselves with right now.

Rita the rat
had scuttled off into the gutter where she belonged and Tequila Sun
were back together again.

They decided to
have a glass of champagne to celebrate - not pink of course – when
Rhino suddenly noticed a record in Holly’s retro Blaupunkt
radiogram drinks cabinet.

“Holly, where
did you get this?” he asked in excitement. “Is this the record from
Felix’s apartment on the day of the explosion?”

“I guess so,”
Holly replied, a little confused, but then again it didn’t take
much.

“Oh my God!” he
exclaimed in delight. “This is it! This is the way to get Felix
back!”

Both Holly and
Cherry were puzzled.

“It’s the
record I used in the spell to send him back to 1987!” he
exclaimed.

Evidently this
was the key to extracting Felix from the delicious decade he had
been sent back to.

All Rhino
needed now was to somehow find out what had happened to his
magic.

“Make sure you
take good care of this. I’ll need it to reverse the spell to get
Felix back,” he said, before heading off to locate the Queen of the
Witch Coven to see if she could help.

Cherry went
home to get some rest. She’d endured quite a tough time. It wasn’t
every weekend you were held captive in a sex dungeon!

Just every
other, then.

Holly peered
from behind the curtain and watched as her band mates hugged on the
pavement outside, before each going their separate ways.

She got the
precious record and abruptly snapped it in half, before dropping it
on the floor and stamping on it a few times in her stiletto
heels.

Then she
proceed to the bedroom to get the plaster cast dildo containing
Felix’s ashes, just in case they needed that too.

She drove for
what seemed like miles - until she came to a beachy cliff top - got
out of the car and walked right up to the edge.

She watched as
the waves crashed violently into the rocks below her, then kissed
the dildo goodbye and threw it off the cliff top edge, as far as
her strength and energy could muster.

Back in the
80s, a few weeks had passed and Felix Sr. was now living on his own
in a very basic bed and breakfast in West Wittering, Chichester;
about one hour south of London.

He’d left later
that same morning, telling Felix Jr. some random excuse or
other.

Felix Jr. had
been a little perplexed by his supposed father’s sudden departure,
but had bigger fish to fry, such as making up with his fiancé, the
illustrious, very jealous and ultra-possessive Holly Wood.

Felix Sr. had
devised that if he kept away, time would play out as required, his
timeline would go untouched and he’d somehow make his way back to
present time.

He hoped within
at least 3 years so he didn’t have to endure the terrible 1990s
again.

It was surely
the decade that music taste and style truly forgot.

There was
virtually no Kylie or A-ha.

And he wasn’t
sure he could bear the delights of happy hardcore, Britpoo or The
Vice Girls a second time around.

Even the
alternative of ceasing to exist seemed more enticing a
proposition.

And that was
basically his biggest fear!

He’d read up on
time travel and become convinced now more than ever that if he
changed the timeline of his life, he would cease to exist!

Anyway, it was
a sunny day and Felix Sr. went to spend the day at the beach to try
to forget about the whole thing.

It was also the
day that Felix Jr. was meant to fall out with Holly again and
drunkenly sleep with Cherry - and despite temptation to the
quandary - Felix Sr. had decided to let history take its natural
course.

Felix Jr. and
Holly had made up a couple of weeks ago, but things hadn’t really
been the same between them.

Felix sensed
something was still wrong.

“What’s up,
Holly?” he asked as they sat in a posh restaurant in cosmopolitan
Soho.

Holly was
playing with ‘a little tree’ on the end of her fork. She still
called them that. She didn’t answer and nervously fiddled on, so
Felix asked again: “Holly?”

“I fucked your
father!” she suddenly blurted out, unable to keep her dirty little
secret any longer.

Felix threw his
glass of wine in her face and stormed out!

He went to the
nearest pub and got drunk.

Then he bumped
into Cherry, who was also a bit worse for wear, having just had a
run in with her mother at her own father’s funeral.

They had a few
more drinks together before stumbling back to Felix’s apartment,
kissing each other hard and deep; and tearing each other’s clothes
off.

“Let me rim,
you,” Cherry said in her drunken stupor, as she spun Felix around
and peeled off his skin tight denim.

She saw the
Felix the Cat tattoo again. She’d forgotten about that.

“You have the
same tattoo as your Dad!” she declared aloud.

“What are you
talking about?” Felix asked through pants and gasps as Cherry put
her cat-rough tongue to work. “My Dad doesn’t have any
tattoos.”

Cherry took her
tongue out Felix’s anus and wiped her lips.

She was
confused.

Felix was
confused as well.

He pulled his
pants up and darted out of the apartment, hailed a taxi and headed
straight to Chichester. He wasn’t sure why but he felt inexplicably
drawn to his ‘father’.

But in doing
so, the timeline had changed.

Holly came home
to find Cherry not fucking Felix up the arse with a strap on
microphone and subsequently set off a chain of events unbeknown to
the history of their own mankind.

When Felix got
to the B&B his ‘father’ was staying at, he was told he would
find him at West Wittering beach, so off he went.

But when he got
there all he found was a pile of Felix Sr.’s clothes, crumpled in a
pile by the shoreline.

Felix Sr. had
seemingly vanished into thin air.

Then he noticed
something floating around in the shore and went over to pick it
up.

It was the
plaster cast of a penis, looking much like the dildo Holly had
thrown out to sea in present day time.

Felix dropped
it and it hit a rock and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.

He stood deep
in confusion, as the ashes contained within it were slowly washed
out to sea…

Rhino and
Cherry were perplexed to say the least.

They had as
good as accepted that Felix was gone for good.

Rhino’s magic
was gone.

He’d spoken to
the coven and they had refused to help. They claimed it was because
of his trickery and treachery; but Rhino was sure it had more to do
with the Queen Witch’s poodle Truffles’ dog suicide.

Truffles had
walked into the path of a double decker bus following his lack of a
good recent hairstyle, after Rhino’s recent job switcheroo.

No body was
found of course.

But Cherry had
always had a sixth sense and could feel something wasn’t quite
right.

They were both
most concerned, particularly with Holly Wood.

Holly claimed
she had been burgled and that both the time-travel-enabling record
and her Felix’s-ashes-concealed dildo memorial had been stolen.

So there was
literally no chance of getting him back from 1987 now.

Little did they
know he had already vanished from then too…?

The timeline
had changed and he appeared to have ceased to exist in present day
time.

This was
getting just a little too complicated.

But for now
they had to deal with Holly first.

She was acting
out of character and still in denial about Felix’s ‘death’ - for
want of a better word - or so they thought anyway.

They decided to
confront her.

However as they
arrived at her house, they saw her leaving.

She got in her
car in a trance-like state and so they decided to follow her.

“I hope she
hasn’t been drinking,” Cherry worried.

She drove to
the cemetery.

“What is she
doing here?” Rhino wondered out loud.

They allowed
her to get so far ahead, then trailed her, unnoticed.

“She’s
obviously here to visit Felix’s grave.” Cherry said
matter-of-factly.

But she was
wrong.

They watched
from behind a tree as she walked straight past Felix’s resting
spot, barely stifling a cheap glance.

They looked at
each other puzzled.

Holly walked a
little further until she came to another couple of graves, side by
side.

It was the
resting spot for Mick Nelson and Jade Astley!

Then she
started chanting and waving her arms around like she was making
some kind of a summoning.

When that
didn’t work she simply shouted out loud: “Truffles!”

Suddenly the
Queen Witches bitch appeared and Holly picked her up with the
strength of her left hand and held her at arm’s length.

She started
chanting again.

Rhino and
Cherry watched in awe, frozen to the spot behind the tree from
which they hid.

“Accept my
humble gratitude for your offering,” Holly bellowed in a commanding
tone, that didn’t quite sound like Holly at all really.

“In death you
give life,” she continued. “May you find wings to the kingdom.”

Suddenly she
lifted her right hand and ripped out the heart of Truffles,
dropping the dead bitch’s corpse to the floor from her other.

Rhino and
Cherry looked at each other and gasped.

“No chance of a
new poodle-do now,” Rhino thought.

Oh poo!

And he’d just
been thinking of a fab new style too.

Holly clutched
the dog’s still-beating heart and repeated: “In death you give
life.”

She said this a
few times actually.

I guess that’s
magic for you.

As she
continued to chant, her body frame vibrated and flickered.

Suddenly she
transformed from sweet starlet Holly Wood into the evil ensconced
Rita Barker!

“I knew it!”
said Cherry, looking at Rhino, then back at Rita again.

It immediately
dawned on Rhino as well.

Of course! Rita
was a shape shifter! She must have transformed from the rat,
momentarily into him - taken his magic powers as she did – before
shifting into Holly.

And now after
ruining any chance of ever getting Felix back, she was trying to
resurrect Mick Nelson and Jade Astley.

They had to
stop her.

They lurched
towards her, but it was too late.

Zombie-like
arms burst out from the soil and soon Mick and Jade’s rotting
corpses were pulling themselves up and out of their graves.

Rita turned and
saw Cherry and Rhino trying to sneak away.

“Kill them!”
she commanded, and the zombies gave chase…

Rhino and
Cherry ran for their lives while the reanimated corpses of Mick
Nelson and Jade Astley gave heated chase.

They split up
and Mick followed Rhino, while Jade went after Cherry.

Cherry left the
cemetery grounds and ran down an alleyway, but came to a dead end.
She looked around desperately for a weapon of choice, but there
wasn’t much of one.

She picked up a
few stones and threw them at Jade, but it didn’t do much good.

Jade grabbed
Cherry by the neck and started to strangle her.

Cherry coughed
and spluttered.

She could
hardly breathe.

Just as the
life was slowly draining out of her, Holly suddenly appeared – the
real Holly this time – and threw Cherry a lifeline, or rather a 9
inch stiletto.

Cherry hit Jade
over the head with it and knocked her to the floor.

Before she
could get back up, Holly took back the high-heeled shoe and pierced
it through the brow of Jade’s forehead, severing her brain.

Cherry winced
in horror as blood squirted everywhere.

“Thanks,” she
said, wiping some off of her blouse in disgust. “This was Love
Moschino.”