Postcards to America (16 page)

Suddenly the mare in front vanished from sight into a field. Against the coachman’s best wishes his horse followed. With a snort, the horse tried to mount the stationary mare. Alighting from his position at the front of the carriage the coachman opened the carriage door and lifted the bride-to-be onto the grass. With the help of her father “Punctual” Mary reached the roadside and hailed a taxi.

Nearly half an hour late, “Punctual” Mary arrived at the church. Dr. Hogan, waiting outside, rushed in and informed the organist, who had practised most of her repertoire while waiting. After one quickly snatched photograph, “Punctual” Mary walked up the aisle on her father’s arm to the sound of “Here comes the bride”.

I’m already running very late, thought Fr. O’Connor but if I speed thing up I may get to attend part of the conference. Fr. O’Connor fretted impatiently. It seemed as if the bride-to- be would never get to the altar as she acknowledged the smiles of her friends, Diana, Jean and of course her mother.

At last, the bride stood beside the groom and Fr. O’Connor began the service. ‘Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God…’

Everything went smoothly until the moment when the priest said, ‘Repeat after me, with this ring I thee wed,’ and waited for the best man to hand the ring over to the groom.

Suddenly the church door opened and “High” and “Low” stride up the aisle. Because of their demeanour, they are instantly recognised as police officers. A murmur arises from the congregation, which makes Bobby turn around. He is so surprised at seeing “High” and “Low” in the church that he drops the wedding ring. The wedding ring rolls down from the altar and is lost beneath the rows of seating.

The parish priest casts his eyes to heaven and says a silent prayer: ‘Father forgive them for they know not what they do to me.’

Meanwhile Bobby is down on his knees searching under the seats for the ring. Several of the congregation have also joined in the search and at intervals a hat would pop up over the top of the seats only to vanish again.

“High” and “Low” position themselves in two seats at the top of the church and “Punctual” Mary stamps her heels impatiently. Liam stands there bemused. After all, without the ring he can do nothing.

Eventually the ring is found and the service continues. Then the parish priest asks of Liam, ‘Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?’

At that instant, the doors open again and the Keating family burst in.

Again, there is a murmur from the congregation and the service stops.

The taller of the Keating brothers strides up the aisle with his pregnant mother and brother in tow. Annie Keating is very definitely showing her pregnancy and the younger of the brothers still has the hood on his jacket pulled up. Scanning the congregation as he strides, he catches a glimpse of “Corner” O’Connor seated at the top of the church. With a bellow that could be heard blocks away he shouts, ‘O’Connor, you bastard, you got my mother pregnant and you promised to marry her. Now I’ve got you at last and I’m going to knock your block off.’

“Corner” heard the shout. He recognised the voice as coming from his past and vaguely connected it with a woman he wanted to avoid meeting at all costs. Like a cavalry patrol under attack by superior forces he would bide his time before making a strategic withdrawal.

The Rev. Fr. O’ Connor could not help but hear the shout. Thinking that the accusation referred to him he let out a gasp and stepped back. Looking around like a hunted animal he placed two fingers in his mouth as if he were a teenager caught after a naughty deed.

Positioned at the front of the church, “Low” turns to ‘High” and whispers, ‘Did you hear that name? I’m sure that “yob” called the priest O’Connor. And he says that O’Connor got his mother pregnant too. We could be looking at our man in disguise here. Even if we can’t pin the Social Welfare job on him then we have him on an impersonation charge and performing an unauthorised ceremony. Things are turning out right for us after all; we’re killing two birds with one stone.’

The Keating brothers could spot a cop at sixty paces. When “High’ and “Low” turned around to see the source of the shouting, they spotted the Keating brothers. Their eyes locked for a moment. Reacting rapidly, the taller brother caught his mother’s arm and steered her into a seat. A dozen seats ahead, he could see Sean O’ Connor.

*

With six months to go before retirement, Stephen Moore did not intend to change his routine. Each day on his postman’s round he dropped in to St. Michael’s church and said his prayers. He prayed for the soul of his deceased wife, his married children and for a long and happy retirement for himself. Usually there would be only a few elderly people present but today a wedding was in progress. He parked his bicycle as usual just inside the entrance, removed his peaked cap, which he placed in the mailbag with the letters remaining to be delivered, blessed himself in the presence of the Lord and knelt.

*

‘Father!’ Liam tried to get the priest’s attention. Then louder: ‘Father!’ The priest shook his head as if trying to rid his mind of an unsavoury incident. He looked around frantically as if waiting for the next allegations.

‘The wedding…What about the wedding…?’

‘The wedding… Oh! Yes! The wedding…’ With a great effort Fr. O’ Connor pulled himself together. ‘Where was I?’ he asked, speaking to no one in particular.

‘You were asking me if I took this woman to be my lawful wedded wife,’ answered Liam helpfully.

‘Oh yes, that’s right. ‘Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded husband?’ Obviously, things were still not right with shocked reverend.

‘Wife,’ corrected Liam.

‘She’s not your wife yet.’ The reverend did not realise his mistake.

‘You said “husband” when you should have said “wife”.’ explained Liam patiently. He felt like punching the reverend to see if it would have any effect.

‘She’s not your wife so you can’t be her husband.’

‘I want to be her husband.’

‘Then say “I do”.’

‘I do.’

The rest of the service goes smoothly and after the ceremony husband and wife walk down the aisle toward the front doors to the sound of clicking cameras and the congratulations of well-wishers. The rest of the congregation followed on behind.

‘Let’s go. I’ll take the bogus priest and you take Byrnes.’ “Low” follows the priest into the sacristy.

Bobby knew that “High’ and “Low” were not at the church to further their religious education so it came as no surprise to him when “High” approached him. ‘We need to speak to you down at the station urgently, Mr. Byrnes,’ the detective said.

‘Can it not wait? I’m best man at this wedding and I have a speech to make.’

‘I’m afraid not, Mr. Byrnes. As you may be aware, there has been an attack on one of the institutions of this state. It’s incumbent on us to find the perpetrator or perpetrators as soon as possible. This is just a formality. I’m sure you will be back in time for the reception.’

I know I will, thinks Bobby going over his foolproof alibi. To the officer he says, ‘Let me tell the groom what’s happening and also get someone to make the speech at the reception.’

The Keating family, intent on watching “High” and Bobby, took their eyes off “Corner”.

As soon as the officers moved, “Corner” hit the floor. Crawling along the side aisle, he headed towards the front door. His knees hurt from the hard tiles but he knew he dared not rest. He wanted to see what the Keating’s were doing but he dared not put his head above the level of the seats. On reaching the front entrance of the church he straightened up and looked for a means to escape. There, propped against the wall – as if delivered by the Great Spirit of the plains - lay a bicycle. Though not having ridden a bicycle in years he nevertheless threw his leg over the crossbar and pedalled shakily away.

Inside the church, the Keatings noticed the disappearance of “Corner”. Accompanied by much swearing they rushed down the centre aisle, jostling and pushing aside other members of the congregation, until they reached the front door. They were just in time to see the fugitive before he turned a corner and pedalled out of sight.

“Low” knocked at the sacristy door. Hearing a cough come from inside the door and interpreting the cough as a “yes”, he opened the door and stepped inside.

Inside the sacristy Fr. O’ Connor glanced up as the detective walked in. ‘Can I help you?’ he asked, draping a vestment on a hanger and placing the garment in a cupboard.

“Low” produced his warrant card from an inside pocked and handed it over for the priest to look at. ‘I want you to come down to the station and answer a few questions. We are investigating a serious crime and want to eliminate as many people as possible.’

The priest reacted as if hit by a mallet. He seemed to shrink even further into his clothes and his eyes glazed over. He found it difficult to speak. ‘I don’t know that woman. I never saw her before today. Oh! I wouldn’t…I couldn’t…’

‘This is not about a pregnant woman.’ “Low” tried to reassure the panicking priest.

The priest seemed temporarily relieved but then a new concern surfaced. ‘Is this about the incident at the seminary? That happened over thirty years ago.’ His voice reached a new pitch.

‘This is about a car ramming at the social welfare office.’

‘I’ve never been in the social welfare office.’

‘Your name is O’Connor?’

‘Yes.’

‘The name O’ Connor came up on our list as a person we needed to talk to. We also needed to talk to a Bobby Byrnes and he happened to be in church today. A bit of a coincidence, don’t you think?’

‘If my bishop hears about this…? And I missed the conference…What if the newspapers find out…? I will have to leave the parish.’ The words tumbled from the priest.

Such was the priest’s reaction that “Low” considered that he might have made a mistake in considering him a suspect. Then he spotted the coloured socks the priest wore. Surer of his ground now he dropped the title “Father”. ‘Let’s go, O’Connor,’ the officer of the law said.

Outside the church, Catherine caught the bouquet of flowers thrown as per tradition by “Punctual” Mary and looked at Henry. Henry did not catch the look because at that moment Bobby and “High” passed, heading for the police car. ‘See you soon?’ Henry called after the departing pair.

‘Come on folks,’ called the photographer, trying to get the group lined up for the traditional photographs.

‘It’s a day to remember,’ Liam whispered to his bride, kissing her gently on the cheek. It’s supposed to be the most exciting day of your life but this is carrying things too far. Who was that family shouting about a pregnancy? Did you know them? And then the police…?’

“Punctual” Mary placed her arm around her new husband’s waist and squeezed him gently. ‘Never saw them before. Anyway, it is all on videotape. In years to come we will sit back and have a good laugh. And do you know…’

‘Know what?’ asked Liam.

‘That we are running over an hour late and I feel comfortable. I could be on my way to beating my obsession with time.’

‘Just the bride and groom in the next shot,’ ordered the stills photographer, grabbing the couple and moving them to one side. ‘Now look into each other’s eyes. Perfect! Hold it there.’

At that moment, “Low” passes, escorting the parish priest. Suddenly a loud cry comes from the church and Stephen Moore the postman comes running out. ‘My bike…! My bike…! They have stolen my bike!’ Then, remembering the letters… ‘They have stolen my mail! Call the police! Call the police!’ Stephen stops as he sees the police car parked outside the front gate.

‘I am a police officer,’ “Low” announces, stepping forward. ‘What happened?’

‘I left my bicycle inside the church entrance for a few moments to say a few prayers and now it’s gone. I have been leaving my bike there for years…’ The postman suddenly remembered his pension. ‘I’m going to lose my pension. I have only a few months to go to retirement. I’m going to lose my pension.’

The postman became so distraught that he began calling for a policeman again.

‘Oh my God! Oh my God!’ exclaimed the shocked parish priest. In the course of a few hours he had missed an important conference; been accused of impregnating a woman; taken in for questioning and now this robbery in his church ‘Where is the God that I have served faithfully for years?’ he asked, going down on his knees and praying.

“Low” looked skywards as if looking for the same God. Sometimes being a detective could be a pain in the ass.

To mollify the distraught postman, he said, ‘Come along to the station and make a statement. If we have a description of the bicycle, we may be able to catch the culprit.’ Some hope, he thought.

As the trio departed, Liam called the young man videotaping the wedding over to his side. ‘Did you get all that on tape?’

‘Did I ever,’ the young man replied. ‘We have enough material on tape to make several episodes of a popular soap opera.

With the distractions out of the way, the photographer finished his wedding shoot in speedy fashion and the party departed to the reception venue at the “Worker’s Inn”.

“Curly’s” staff surpassed themselves and worked wonders with the private room. White clothes decked the tables and garlands hung from the ceilings. After the wedding party were seated, a catering company served a four-course meal. Dr. Hogan, standing in as best man for Bobby Byrnes, made a fine speech and finished off with a reference - directed at “Punctual” Mary – that she always have the time for sexual games with her husband, irrespective of headaches.

After the meal the tables were cleared and the music started. “Curly” did himself proud with a four-piece band that played a selection of old and new tunes. The women danced with Liam and the men kept “Punctual” Mary busy on the dance floor.

‘Are you happy, love?’ Liam asked his bride when he finally got to dance with her.

‘I’ll let you know when we get to our honeymoon hotel.’ The bride moved her feet to avoid being stamped on by her far from expert husband and kissed him gently on the cheek.

Time passed and just before the departure of the bride and groom, Bobby Byrnes returned.