It almost made me want to choke out a laugh. I wasn't the one standing in the way of us anymore. I might even be the one holding us together. But it was getting hard with his voice so diminished, with him drifting away with each day.
Marriage didn't even matter to me. We could still be together in every way that counted. Even if not officially or religiously. I didn't believe in that stuff, right?
No, but I had believed in Deacon. I had believed we belonged to each other.
“I don't know how much longer I can handle it,” I said softly.
Antoine rolled his eyes. “You waited six years for your mom to come around. Give the love of your life more than six days. In fact, give him six days for a start. I don't recall it having been that.”
“It's all I've been able to think about,” I said. “That was never the case with my mom. And she still isn't completely around. Not even with my dad dead.”
“Isn't it obvious why? You love him more than you do her.”
I shrugged. “But he can leave. She can't.”
Antoine wiggled over, his knees sharp into my thighs. “For a church girl, you don't have a lot of faith.”
“You think maybe my church girl experience had a bit to do with that?”
“I'm not saying you didn't go through a lot, but you're not alone, you know.” He took a deep breath. “My mom called me the other day, after that supreme court ruling that said I can finally get married.”
I hadn't heard this. For a moment, my worries evaporated. “Really? She wants to be close again?”
“Hell, no!” People glared at him, and he shrank to a scratching whisper. “She said that now my sin fit right into a nation full of sinners.”
“Amazing.”
“No, the amazing part was that she didn't hang up right away. She's usually too ashamed to hear my response, but this time it was like she wanted to start a dialog.”
“What'd you guys talk about?”
“Nothing. I hung up on her.”
I rubbed my temples. “Antoine, my head hurts.”
“Ok, I'm not saying things went perfect, but she's coming around. One day, she might wait a couple lines before she starts insulting me, which is about where we were before I came out.”
“So what? I should just stand by and keep letting Deacon agonize over whether he loves his company more than me?”
“Love is just a type of faith – a faith that you won't be hurt. You shouldn't get ready to toss it out after a few dim days.”
I rejected the idea a dozen times on my drive home. Antoine was wrong, or at best, just trying to ease my pain. But the advice kept bubbling back up. Why was I in such a rush to run away?
It wasn’t like breaking away would hurt any less if it happened sooner.
I sighed. Fine he could have his week, but I was still going to go to my apartment. Thank god Mira still had me paying for it. Well, for a little longer at least, until she betrayed everything I had done for her, too.
Three months, I'd helped her. She should be on her feet, but nope, she was bowing to her parents' wishes too. Seemed like I was the only one missing out on a hot trend.
Well, at least Snowflake was still there – what with all my travel. He wasn't so hard to catch anymore. There were no grand ambitions for him that got in the way of our relationship. I just wanted to curl up in my room with him rumbling on my stomach, like I had last night.
Conversation murmured inside the apartment as I unlocked the door. A man's deep voice leaked through. Great, had she brought her arranged date home? I didn't want to meet the guy she had settled for.
I walked in though, and found that the guy inside was far easier on the eyes than expected. Far more familiar, too.
“Hey darlin',” Deacon said.
He had on a power suit , minus the jacket. Slicked hair, red tie, black pants. He sat facing Mira on the far end of the couch. Snowflake lay curled up at his feet, already respecting his power in a way he never did mine.
“What are you doing here?” I said.
“Talking to your lovely friend.”
Mira blushed and swatted. “You're really raising expectations for my date tonight,” she said.
I didn't have time to deal with that. “I mean why did you come here?”
“Well, you weren't home. Doorman said he hadn't seen you in a day. Figured there was only one other place you'd go.”
“I was in improv.”
“Guess I just got lucky then.”
“How was improv?” Mira asked. “I guess I could have gone after all.”
“No, no. Just focus on that arranged marriage of yours.”
Mira's face flared with indignation, but Deacon answered first. “Come on. The guy doesn't seem half bad from what your friend says.”
“He's not. He's really sweet actually.” Mira crossed her arms.
“What does it matter? She was pressed into the relationship. She succumbed.”
“I...did not. Completely.” Mira sighed and shot out of the couch past me. “Whatever, ok, maybe I did. But my parents might have been right on this. He's pretty cool.”
“If I recall,” Deacon said. “You had to be pressed into our first real date, too.”
“And look where that got us.”
The smile left Deacon's lips.
“Real date?” Mira asked.
No one knew about Deacon and me at the airport. Before this week, sharing that wouldn't be a huge embarrassment, but I didn't want it out now.
“Just focus on your night.”
I went and sat where Mira had been.
She sulked and put on her shoes. “I'll be asking again after I come back.”
The door slammed extra hard behind her, then it was just us two, before a mute TV and under the pale yellow glow of our living room light. This place felt shabby now. Deacon had gotten me used to heaven and now even purgatory felt like a hell.
“So,” Deacon said. “Let's talk about where we are.”
I gathered my breath and nodded. A well of feeling frothed in my throat - noises and words that could wash me clean of him. I deserved to voice them.
But I was too scared.
“You're the one that had a choice to make,” was all I said. “You tell me what you're thinking first.”
“Why? What are
you
thinking?”
“What
should
I be thinking? You said that keeping me at arm's length was the way to get the company you've always wanted, and I said fine. But then you leave me and go way further than that.”
“I had business.”
“Deacon, I
know
your business. Your trips were optional. If you wanted to lie, you should have dated one of those ditzes you keep complaining about.” My heart beat faster, and I couldn't help myself. “Is that what you're thinking about?”
He shook his head. “Were it that easy, I'd have done it years ago. No, you're right. I've been away to think.”
“And?”
My stomach rose to my throat. Just cause he didn’t want someone else didn’t mean he wanted me.
He sighed, and clasped his hands. “I'm thinking it's not fair to ask you to be my mistress. My mother's going to be around a long while, and she's not gonna come around on this like she did with the business stuff. If she gives me the company, she’ll never let me be as close to you as I want.”
I knew it. I took a deep breath. Well, no reason to hold back now, but there was no anger, just this weird silliness. Maybe it was an improv technique kicking in to defend me.
“Ever thought about hiring a hitman?” I said.
He chuckled. “You're the only girl I’d let say that, you know. And you're the only girl I'll ever tell that yes, kinda, once. Well, I was on peyote at Joshua Tree, but it still counts.”
I smiled sadly. Everything felt strangely normal, but it just made what was coming all the harder.
“I told you her deal was fine,” I said. “A piece of paper doesn't mean so much to me.”
I didn't dare check my heart to see if it was true. All I wanted was to cling on.
“You deserve more than being the forbidden love of a rich man,” he said with hard certainty.
“It wouldn't have to be weird,” I said. “A lot of people don't get married. It doesn't mean so much these days.”
His expression stayed pained. This train was not slowing down. Why was I trying to make him come back now? I should be the one pulling the trigger, not the one being shattered. But I still couldn't.
“That's ok for some,” he said. “But it's not ok for me. It's not ok for us.”
An icy finality rung with those words. His eyes were sad and cold, like a melting glacier. My chest did not work. My heart couldn't beat. I couldn't say a thing.
“So...” he said.
He rose from his seat and made for the door. I could barely lift my head and watch, could barely stand the silence that was ending all this.
But as he moved past the couch, he turned.
He grabbed something from his pocket.
And he kneeled in front of me.
My heart went from zero to a million so fast, it nearly blew out my ribs. My chest moved like molasses. Only a whisper of air reached my lungs.
“What?” was all I could get out.
“Am I doing? I'm falling deeper into you. I deserve better than a company that keeps trying to buck me off. I deserve better than a family that doesn't care a damn about my happiness. Screw it, sweetheart. I can build my own family, just like I built my own company. And I want to do both with the only girl I've ever truly loved - heart, body and mind.”
He held out his hand. It held a small case. He popped it open.
A diamond the size of a fist sat on a shimmering gold ring.
Ok, a diamond the size of a newborn's fist. Maybe one a month early, but still.
“Kerry.”
I snapped back to him.
“This is what I went to the Middle East to get. Will you tie yourself down to this dumb, vain, callous idiot?”
His face was glowing with light, with warmth, with love. But his mouth stayed grim.
He was nervous. God, he was nervous.
“Because you called yourself dumb twice,” I said, before words failed me. “I will.”
His lips were on me, even as he pressed the ring onto my finger. My wrist collapsed at the weight, but he found my hand and clasped. He rose me from my seat.
I wrapped around him. Around my fiancée. The man who was now going to be truly mine.
And who could now claim me as his.
He picked me up and he twirled me around. The place seemed to glow all the brighter. My meager den could have been a ballroom in Versailles, or the shimmering peak of a penthouse high atop some distant city skyline. It could even be a desert field, with the sands twinkling under a high midday sun.
When we were together, the light would always find us.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Deacon
The restaurant Jesse sent us to for the board meeting was a modern glass and metal front place called 'Stone Pot.' The name gave me not a bad idea for a new company division. I chuckled just imagining my mother's reaction. Might just look into it.
The place had chic white tables cluttered with utensils and – true to the name – giant stone bowls over heaters. It was Korean-Mexican fusion, whatever that was. He'd bought it for a chef he was dating. Maybe, I'd inspired him with Stone Solar. Not that he was likely to admit that.
Somehow he got away with this while I did not. It was ironic, in a way, given what was going to happen here today. Our mother would hate this venue. It'd be the first of many nasty surprises today held for her. Things weren't going to end perfectly for me either, but I'd made my peace.
Plus I also had her at my side, if I needed a reminder.
“You ready?” I clutched Kerry's arm.
She looked up to me, dressed in a pristine white and bead dress that blended smoothly with her pale skin and made her hair look almost black by comparison.
“Do I really need to be a part of this?” she said, eyes trembling with worry.
My mother really had done a number of her. Guess that really was the most common welcome into the Stone family.
“Darlin', you're the centerpiece,” I said. “Don't worry. I'll keep you safe.”
I'd even opted for a cowboy look: jeans, checkered shirt and a sports jacket for the veneer. Today was a day for action not formalities.
“Alright.” She squared her shoulders. “Let's do it.”
An elegantly dressed Latina hostess led us to the back room. It wasn't designed for meetings, but they'd erected a plastic door to seal off the about fifteen tables or so.
Mother and Jesse sat at a round one in the middle, sipping at little porcelain tea cups. Jesse smiled curiously as Kerry and I came over, but my mother was locked in a face of disgust as she sipped at her tea.
“I'm guessing they serve green here, not Earl Grey,” I said.
“It tastes like pond scum.”
“How on earth would you know that?” I asked.