Power Play: A Novel (6 page)

He had bought her the house to reassure her right before the twins were born, and he paid all the bills for Ashley and the girls. He would have bought her a bigger house, but this was the one she had wanted, and she and the girls were happy there. It suited Ashley to perfection, and he loved staying there himself. It was the coziest place on earth, and even more so when he was in her arms in their big comfortable bed. And yet when he was in Ross, that felt right to him too. He loved Liz and the life they had shared for so many years. In truth, he loved both women and both lives. They were the perfect complement to each other, and he couldn’t have said it to anyone, and never had, but he needed both of them, in different ways.

“Do you want to go out to dinner?” Marshall offered, and Ashley hesitated. There was always a slight party atmosphere when he was
in Malibu with them, and she let him indulge the girls, since they only had their father two days a week.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” the girls shouted happily in answer to the question, and they went to a Chinese restaurant nearby that they all loved. And well after the girls’ bedtime, they all came home, and Ashley put them to bed. They shared a room on the main floor, below her own. And Marshall went to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight.

“They love it when you’re here,” Ashley said softly, when he came back to her room, where she was lying on the bed, sated after dinner, and their lovemaking earlier. Marshall had just texted Liz before coming back upstairs, to wish her goodnight, and so she didn’t call him when she came out of the theater.

“So do I,” Marshall said about how much he loved being there, and Ashley knew he meant it. And then he lay on the bed next to her, looking up at the familiar ceiling. He knew all the cracks in it, and the shadows, and had lain here a thousand times, thinking about her and how much he loved her. He couldn’t imagine his life without her now. But when he went back to Ross, he couldn’t imagine a life without Liz either. It was the single greatest agony in his life, and he had put off the decision for eight years.

Ashley knew all about Liz, and Liz knew nothing about her. And Marshall did everything he could to keep it that way. For now. He didn’t want to hurt Liz, or destroy the love and respect they had shared. But the ramshackle house in Malibu was where he really lived and where he came alive, with Ashley and their girls, who had been a gift to him since the moment they’d been born. He had flown down from San Francisco the moment Ashley went into labor,
spent hours at the hospital with her, and was there when they were born, and cut both cords. He had spent two weeks in L.A. then and told Liz they had two weeks of intense meetings that he couldn’t get out of. He had stayed with Ashley to help her get settled with the twins, and hired a baby nurse to help her when he wasn’t there. And Ashley had cried but been forgiving when he left. She had been very emotional then, during and after the pregnancy, but she had never considered not having his babies once they were conceived. She wanted them. And no one at the office knew what had happened, only Ashley’s close friends, who didn’t think much of Marshall. He was a man with a double life, which seemed dishonest to all of them. Only Ashley understood and forgave him, no one else she knew did. Her friends knew better than he did how often she cried when he wasn’t there, and she kept it from the girls, and portrayed him as a hero, so they wouldn’t blame him for their mother’s tears.

They made love again before they went to sleep that night. He lay spent in her arms afterward, and drifted off to sleep as she lay naked beside him, in all her glory, grateful for every moment she was with him. She had lived the agony of their situation for eight long years, while he lived out all his fantasies with her. She knew it wasn’t fair to her or the girls, but she loved him, and all she could hope was that one day she would win a real life with him, no longer hidden. And for now, she was exquisitely happy and complete for two precious days a week.

Ashley always felt as though they were a normal family, leading a regular life, when Marshall was with them in Malibu. He had breakfast with her and the girls, and dropped them off at school afterward. They loved it when he did that, and chattered happily in the car with him. He put them both in the tiny backseat space of the Jaguar XKE E-type, and drove them the few blocks to their school, teasing them and telling them funny stories. His relationship with the twins was entirely different than it had been with his other children. The boys had been rougher and sturdier and related to him through sports. And Lindsay had always been difficult, even when she was small. She had been argumentative and often oppositional, and a tomboy because of her brothers, who had always been her heroes. Kezia and Kendall were cuddly, feminine, flirtatious, and totally girls, and as beautiful and bewitching as their mother. Marshall’s love for them was an extension of what he felt for her. And he loved how pretty they were and how enamored they were of him. People noticed them and Ashley wherever they went. They were a striking-looking group.

Liz also ran their family so efficiently that there had been little time for whimsy and idle play. Ashley was so whimsical and creative that everything she did with him and the girls seemed enchanting. He couldn’t have run his life that way every day, but for two days a week, he felt as though he were in a fairyland with her, and she and their twin daughters were the fairies, and he was the king. It was impossible for him to resist.

He was always in a good mood when he got to work, and rarely stayed late at the office when he was in L.A. He was anxious to get home to her. They usually went out for dinner, or brought in Chinese or prepared food from the grocery store. Ashley was the most exciting woman he had ever known, but definitely not a homemaker or a cook. There was gentle artistic chaos everywhere. And Marshall felt like a boy again when he was with her. All his problems and worries seemed to disappear, and he just wanted to play with the girls and lie in bed with Ashley. It was magical being in her world. And she felt that way too when he was there. He was the heart and soul of all her dreams. In the past eight years, her entire life had come to revolve around him, to the exclusion of all else, except their twins.

Hardest of all was when he left them after breakfast on Friday mornings. He dropped the girls off at school, and usually came back to the house to be with Ashley for a little while longer. More often than not, they made love again, sometimes in haste, before he would go to the office, and then he liked to fly back to San Francisco around lunchtime, so he could spend the last few hours of the day in his office there before the weekend. It was perfectly orchestrated and well organized, but it tore his heart out every time, as the plane took off in L.A. and he knew he wouldn’t see her again for five days, four if
he could find an excuse to go back to L.A. early, and he felt numb afterward all weekend, which was why he disappeared to the golf course for two days. He had withdrawals from Ashley each time he left her.

By Friday afternoon, every week, Ashley was deeply depressed. She couldn’t even send him a text. She had agreed to his ground rules early on, and lived by them. She had to wait to hear from him, and could not contact him in San Francisco or even at the office in L.A. It made her feel breathless and panicked sometimes after he left, knowing he was out of reach and she had to wait to hear from him. What if something happened to one of them? She knew she could call him then, which somehow made it even worse. She couldn’t just call him to hear his voice. He always called her before he left the office on Friday afternoon, and from the golf course on the weekend. But the only time she had full access to him was when he was in Malibu with her. The rest of the time, he was like a phantom in her life, and the reality of it hit her every week with greater force as time went by. It was hard for her to believe now that she had lived that way for so long. And at thirty, with two children, she wanted more.

She was sitting staring into space in her studio, with a bereft expression, when her friend Bonnie wandered in on Friday afternoon. She had seen Ashley look like that a thousand times, and knew what caused it. Bonnie hated Marshall for what he had done to her friend, worse yet, with Ashley’s full consent. Because of her love for him, and then the twins, she had tacitly agreed to be the hidden woman in his life, and she was no longer the same woman she had been eight years before. She lived for him, and the dream of the future life
Bonnie felt certain he would never share with her. No matter what he said to Ashley, Bonnie no longer believed he would leave Liz.

“Hi,” Ashley said, looking despondent when Bonnie walked in. She was wearing the same shorts and T-shirt she had worn the day before, because they smelled of him and his cologne. Marshall did exactly the opposite, and changed his clothes before he left L.A., so nothing he wore home would smell of her. Marshall had thought of everything to protect his double life for the past eight years, and he had it down to a science. Ashley had no concept of how careful he was.

“I know that look,” Bonnie said with a disapproving glance at Ashley’s face and drooping shoulders when she walked in. Ashley had been sitting in the studio in front of a blank canvas, staring into space.

Bonnie was her oldest friend, they had known each other since childhood. Bonnie was a production assistant on feature films. She worked sporadically and was currently between film assignments. She was always ten or fifteen pounds overweight, and hadn’t had a boyfriend for a year. It gave her lots of time to hang out with Ashley and the girls. And it broke her heart to see her pining for Marshall, still hoping he’d leave his wife, and giving up her life for him. Bonnie thought he was the worst thing that had ever happened to Ashley, in spite of the enchanting twins.

“What are we doing this weekend?” Bonnie asked, helping herself to a Diet Coke from the studio fridge. She was always on a diet, which rarely worked.

“I don’t know,” Ashley said, looking vague. It took her two days sometimes to get over his leaving. She never got used to it. And sometimes she didn’t get out of the pit till he returned. Bonnie hoped
it wasn’t going to be one of those weeks. “Maybe it’ll rain,” Ashley said with a look of gloom.

“Maybe it won’t, and if it does, we can take the girls to a movie.” She sat watching Ashley for a few minutes, as she tried to gather her thoughts and still couldn’t. She was missing him too much. Seeing her that way was more than Bonnie could stand. “How long are you going to let him do this to you?” Bonnie asked in a strangled voice, full of desperation and concern for her friend. “He’s been doing this for eight years. You know, he’s never going to leave her, as long as he can have you both. And she doesn’t know about you, so if someone is going to take a stand, it will have to be you. He’ll never make a move until you do.” She wanted Ashley to stand up for herself, but she never did. She was too afraid to lose him.

“I can’t,” Ashley said miserably. “What if he chooses her?”

“He already has,” Bonnie reminded her, “by not leaving her till now. He chose a double life. And it’s killing you,” Bonnie said, looking angry. She was furious at both of them, at Marshall for what he was doing, and Ashley for letting him. She was participating in her own destruction. It was an old story, and drove her insane to watch.

“What if he gives me up?” Ashley looked panicked as she said it.

“Painful as that would be, you might finally find a decent guy, who’s actually willing to share his whole life with you, not just two days a week,” Bonnie said with a sour look. She always told Ashley what she thought, as a friend.

“His daughter is going to college in a year. I think that’s what he’s been waiting for. He didn’t want to upset her. She’s a very difficult child,” she said, parroting his excuses. Bonnie had heard it all before, and so had Ashley.

“She’s not a child, Ash. As I recall, she’s sixteen. And he always
has some excuse. The boys, his wife, his career. Do you realize that he hasn’t made a single move in eight years? How long are you going to let him dick you around?” Bonnie looked at her in despair. “You’re the most beautiful woman I know. You’re better looking than most of the movie stars I work with, but you’re thirty years old. I’ve been watching you go through this since you were twenty-two. One of these days, you’re going to wake up and be forty, or fifty, and you’ll have wasted your whole life with a guy who sees you two days a week, is still with his wife, and keeps you in the closet. Ash, you deserve so much better than that.”

Ashley nodded, trying to believe what her friend was saying, about deserving more. But being with him was like playing the slot machines in Vegas. She kept thinking that if she put in a little more time, another month, another year, he’d come around in the end. And instead, even she was beginning to suspect that he was comfortable the way things were. It was easier for him to have them both. And what he really didn’t want was to cause a scandal that would jeopardize his career. That was the most important factor of all to him, more than hurting her or his wife.

“I keep hoping some fabulous guy will come along who will sweep you off your feet. But you’re never going to meet anyone, holed up here, waiting for Marshall to show up.” They both knew that Ashley was emotionally unavailable. She was totally in love with Marshall, even more than she had been eight years before. She had still had her own life then. Now she no longer did. She was soldered to him. She felt completely married to him, and he was married to Liz. Bonnie didn’t want to say it, but her worst fear was that to Marshall, all Ashley was was a gorgeous piece of ass. Bonnie didn’t trust him farther than she could throw him.

“Why don’t we take the girls to a movie tonight?” She was willing to do almost anything to distract her friend and cheer her up.

“Yeah, maybe,” Ashley said halfheartedly, but she was too depressed to want to go anywhere and Bonnie could see it. They went through it every week, and usually by Sunday night she felt better and more like herself again. Monday and Tuesday were decent days, and on Wednesday he would arrive and sweep her off her feet again, they would live their fantasy for two days, and on Friday night, Ashley was at the bottom of the pit again. And Bonnie was afraid that one of these days, she wouldn’t be able to climb out of it anymore. Marshall was killing her by inches.