Pretenders (12 page)

Feeling = I SERIOUSLY hate waiting.

I better make Varsity. I have to make Varsity. Twenty-two more hours until Monday, September 17th, and I’ll know if I made Varsity.

If I can write Varsity forty times in under one minute I will make it. Ready, set, go!

Varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity varsity vars

35.

Feeling = Crap.

I saw Audri in American History this morning.

Her T-shirt was the same color blue as her glasses.

I asked if she bought them as a set.

Mr. Rosen told us to take our seats before she could answer.

I spent the entire period jamming a pen into my fingertip. I needed to feel something other than what I was really feeling which was: Jagger, why did you ask about her shirt when what you really wanted to say was, don’t be afraid to hang out with me.

When class was over Audri said she did not buy her shirt and glasses as a set.

I thanked her for letting me know. Not because I care if matching things are sold separately or together. But because she remembered I asked. Because she pushed past other boys to catch up with me. Because she wasn’t afraid.

I wanted to hug her.

I didn’t.

She started to giggle.

I asked her why.

She said I was holding a FemFresh pen which was weird because I’m a guy and FemFresh is a tampon company.

I told her it came in the FemFresh case we got for our journals. I asked if she got one too.

She didn’t.

I said I thought FemFresh was an organic food company.

She laughed.

I thanked her for letting me know and tossed the pen. It landed in an open locker.

We laughed.

A:
What are you doing for lunch?

J:
Eating.

I told her she could eat with me today if she wasn’t afraid.

A:
Afraid of what?

I was going to say Crazy Pat the ex–navy SEAL but why go there?

J:
Afraid of me.

A:
Why would I be afraid of you?

J:
PMS.

She laughed. She got my reference to the FemFresh pen and laughed! She got
me
.

During lunch I told her how hard it is to visit my parents in jail.

Her eyes teared up.

Then she started crying.

I wish I hadn’t told her any of that.

We are still at lunch. She’s writing her friend Sheridan a note so I decided to write this. Something to do.

Beats staring.

September 17th

Forgive me, Journal, for I have sinned. It has been five days since my last entry.

Ver? I wasn’t going to write today either. I was going to spend lunch reviewing my Algebra flash cards. When a FemFresh pen literally flew into my locker. If that isn’t a sign to journal
²⁵
please tell me what is.

The honors and awards posting came out last week and it’s full of opportunities. I’m going for:

Academic Excellence.
(GPA of 3.75 or higher)

Honors Society.

Principal’s Award. (nominated by the cafeteria cooks, secretaries, and custodians)

Track Team.
(I already made track team. I can’t be captain until my senior year but Coach Speedman
²⁶
said he will help me work toward that goal.)

The Phoenix Five.
This opportunity only exists at our school but it’s still really important. Last year’s winners were contacted by college scouts. I took a picture of the flyer. This is what it said:

I signed up for all five spots.

More later. Wish me luck on my Algebra quiz. I’m craving Benihana.