“How is working with Benny?”
“Okay, I guess.” She takes another sip of her coffee and then sets the empty mug between us. “He’s usually quiet and brooding, and when he does open his mouth, he somehow manages to piss me off.”
I can’t help but laugh. “What’s he do to piss you off?”
“Oh, I don’t know. He calls me
princess
for one, which he knows infuriates me. And he’s always making little comments about how I look nice or that my hair looks pretty—”
“Wait,” I interrupt, stopping the swing. “That’s a bad thing, why?”
“Because, it confuses me,” she huffs. “Ugh! I wasn’t going to tell you, but right before I left to go back home, Benny kissed me.”
“What!?” I screech as I fly out of the swing. “Are you serious? I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that!”
“It was nothing.” Mia grabs my arm and yanks me back down. “Okay, well it was something . . . at least I thought it was. It was gentle and sweet, and I almost didn’t leave because of it.”
“But you did.”
“But I did,” she confirms. “He and I texted off and on while I was gone, but he was mostly keeping me up-to-date with you.” She glances over and gives me an apologetic smile, and I roll my eyes. “So I mentioned to him that I wanted to move back, and I
may
have suggested that we pick back up where we left off . . . but he told me no.”
“He told you
no?
” I ask incredulously. “What the hell?”
“Yeah, I have no idea. Of course, I was more than embarrassed and didn’t talk to him again until the day I showed up at your door.”
“Now that I think about it, you two have been acting sort of weird around each other. You’re not near as friendly as you were before.”
“Well, how the hell am I supposed to be friendly with him? Do you know how humiliating that was, to put myself out there like that and for him to just shut me down with absolutely no explanation at all?” Mia moans and drops her head to my shoulder.
“So why did you agree to work for him?” I ask, genuinely curious.
“Because I’m an idiot. And even though I was embarrassed, I still enjoy being around the dumbass,” she says with a slight shake of her head. “I usually just ignore him, which I think ticks him off, and every once in a while he’ll shoot me a compliment, which he knows ticks
me
off. So it’s become a mutual thing, us pushing each other’s buttons.”
“Interesting,” I mumble.
“Okay.” She slaps my leg and pushes up from the swing. “I better get going, and you should think about getting ready too. What time do you have to be there?”
“Nine.” I follow her into the house with a yawn.
Mia walks into the living room and shrugs the blanket off her shoulders, letting it fall to the couch. She walks into the kitchen, drops her mug in the sink and then grabs her purse off the counter. “Call me if you need me, got it?”
“Got it,” I respond with a mock salute. She rolls her eyes and smacks a kiss on my cheek before walking out the door. “Love you,” she hollers over her shoulder.
“Love you too,” I yell back, knowing she can’t hear me because the door is already shut. I try to never let one of these amazing people walk out of a room without telling them how I feel. Luke and Mia always say it back, Benny responds with a grunt, and Levi . . . well, he usually gets this look on his face like I just leveled his entire world. I can tell he feels the same way, I just wish I knew why he hasn’t said it back. ‘In time,’ Mia keeps telling me, and I know she’s right. But when you tell someone over and over and over how much you love them and never hear the words back, that wears on a person.
I guess I can’t complain too much because he always has some amazing words for me. He’ll tell me that I’m his world and he can’t imagine his life without me. And the other day after we made love, he told me that I meant everything to him. If that’s the case and I mean everything to him, then he probably loves me, but I’m just aching to hear those three little words. I
need
to hear them.
A faint buzzing pulls me from my head. I dig my phone out of my pocket to see Benny’s name lit up on the screen. Swiping the ‘talk’ button, I bring the phone up to my ear. “Good morning, sunshine.”
“Don’t ever call me that again.”
“Oooh . . . Grouchy Benny. This should be fun,” I quip, pulling a chair out from under the table and sitting down. “What’s up?”
“I can’t make it to your treatment today.”
“Okay, did something come up?” I ask. It’s not like Benny to cancel on me. Usually if something else comes up, he just cancels whatever it is since that’s his way of ‘showing support.’ I don’t mind that he can’t come because, like I told Mia, I’m more than comfortable going on my own.
“Uh—” Benny’s words cut off and his end of the phone becomes scratchy. I hear faint whispering, but I can’t make out who he’s talking to. “Yeah. Um . . . something came up. Look, I’ve got to run, but I’ll check in later. Just call if you need me, okay?”
“Okay—” He hangs up before I even have a chance to respond, and I stare at my phone wondering what in the heck that was about. Tossing my cell on the table, I walk back to my room and get dressed, putting on nothing more than an old, ratty pair of sweat pants, a t-shirt and a light jacket. When you have to sit in those horribly bumpy chairs for hours on end, it’s nice to at least be comfortable.
An hour later, I’m walking into the cancer treatment center and the secretary gives me a big wave. I’ve become a regular, yay for me! They all know me by name, and even though I hate coming in here, it’s nice to see their friendly faces. You can tell they’re all genuinely concerned about me because often times they’ll come back to the treatment room to see how I’m doing. That alone is a nice feeling.
“How are you today, Laney?” Rose says from behind the counter.
“I’m good, Rose. How are the kiddos?” She hands me a clipboard, and I fill in my information like I do every other time I come in.
“They’re rotten, like always.” She takes my card and the clipboard and does whatever it is she does before returning my card. “Head on back to get your blood drawn, and then we’ll get things started.”
Getting my blood drawn is the easy part. Within minutes, I’m being escorted back into the waiting room.
“I’ll let the girls know you’re here and ready for them.”
“Thank you, Rose.” I tuck my purse under my arm and take a seat in the waiting room. Usually, there are all sorts of people in here and I look at them and wonder what they’re here for, but today the waiting room is empty. I’ve talked to a few of the other patients from time to time, but I’ve yet to meet someone even close to my age.
“Laney.” I look up when I hear the familiar voice and find Harley standing in the doorway. She has my chart in her hand and she’s wearing a big, welcoming smile.
“Hey!” I walk over to her and she gives me a quick hug. “What are you doing down here?” I’ve only seen her here twice, and one of those times she’d just stopped by to check on me.
“I got pulled here, and when I saw your name on the schedule for today, I snagged you from another nurse,” she says, leading me back in the direction of the exam rooms. “How have you been? And how is Levi?” She giggles. “I never see him anymore and I assume that’s because of you.”
“I’ve been alright, and yes, you’re probably right,” I laugh. “I’m not sure we’ve spent a night apart in the past month.”
“That’s good. You deserve to be happy.” She opens the door to an exam room and ushers me in.
“Thank you. I feel like he’s the one that deserves to be happy, and I just hope that all of this”—I motion to the sterile room around me—“isn’t too much.”
“It isn’t.” Her words are said easily and without any hesitation. “Trust me, Levi would speak up if it was.”
“You’re probably right,” I agree, sitting down on the exam table.
“Okay, the doctor will be right in, and then I’ll see you in the treatment room.”
“Alright, see you soon.” I pull my phone out of my purse and shoot Levi a quick text.
Me: Waiting for the doc. What are you doing?
It isn’t at all surprising when my phone pings almost instantly. Levi is always quick to respond, especially when he knows I’m at the doctor.
Levi: Working. I hope it goes well. Who is there with you today?
Me: Don’t work too hard. No one. Here by myself, but I brought Nate.
Levi: Another book boyfriend?
Me: LOL. You know me too well ;)
Levi: You read too much. I’m constantly competing with an alpha male that has perfect hair, a perfect body and a piercing in a place that I’ll never get pierced.
Me: Never say never ;)
Levi: NEVER. Text me when you’re done with the doc.
Me: Will do. Love you <3
I quickly tuck my phone back in my purse so I won’t be disappointed when he doesn’t respond. I picked the perfect time too, because Dr. Hopkins knocks twice and walks into the room. “Good morning, Laney.” She gives me a tight hug and I return it effortlessly. The first time she hugged me, I was a little startled, but now I get it. My relationship with her is so much different than my relationship with my primary doctor—as it should be, since she’s seeing me through what will most likely be the hardest time in my life.
“Good morning.” I offer her an overly bright smile. She cocks an eyebrow and I wonder how in the world she always manages to see right through me.
“You’ve lost another five pounds.” Her lips purse as she looks down at my chart and thumbs through a few pages. “And your counts are a little low.”
“What does that mean?” I scoot forward on the table to try and peek at my chart, but it doesn’t matter—I don’t understand this stuff anyway.
“It’s expected, because that’s what chemo does, it kills off cells. But we pay particular attention to your white blood cells. Those are the ones that fight infection. If they drop too low, then I have to worry about you getting sick and we certainly don’t want that.” She keeps flipping through my chart and then looks up at me. “So you have a choice. Your numbers are low enough that I’m tempted to hold off on this treatment and hope they’re up for the next one. But if you’re feeling good and taking care of yourself, I wouldn’t be opposed to moving forward with your treatment today.”
“I’ve been doing well. My nausea isn’t bad as long as I take the medicine, and even then it only lasts for a few days after the chemo. I will admit though that I’m finding myself getting weaker and more fatigued.” My hands are clutched tightly in my lap, and I bite down on my bottom lip as I wait for her to respond.
“Chemotherapy is cumulative, so I expect your fatigue to get worse as your treatments progress. How have you been feeling otherwise?”
“Great.” I shrug. “Well, as good as can be expected. I’ve actually felt really lucky that I haven’t had more problems than I have.”
She nods her head in agreement. “You have been lucky. Your body has been tolerating your treatments well.” Dr. Hopkins closes my chart and sets it on the counter then turns back to me. “Okay, let’s go ahead with your treatment today, as long as you promise to call me if you start to feel sick at all . . . and by sick, I mean a cough, runny nose, earache, fever, anything.”
“Of course. I’ll call right away.”
“Okay then. Let’s get you started.” Dr. Hopkins opens the door for me and follows me out, stopping at the nurses’ station to hand them my chart. “I want you to come in next week and get your blood drawn, just so I can keep an eye on it, if that’s okay.”
“Absolutely. I’ll schedule it on my way out.” She pats me on the back and I head over to the treatment room. This entire process has become routine for me.
“Good morning, Laney.” I smile at Jamie, and she waves and smiles back. Jamie is one of my favorite nurses, probably because, like Harley, she’s the same age I am and therefore I can relate to her a little bit better.
“Mornin,’ Jamie.”
“Harley stole you from me today,” she calls from across the room.
“I heard,” I laugh, taking my usual seat in the back corner of the large room away from all the other patients. I’m not sure why I chose this spot. Maybe because it’s tucked against a wall, or because it’s the place I sat on my first day in this room. But it’s become a source of control. I can’t control what they put into my body and I can’t control how my body reacts, but I sure as heck can control where I sit my tushy!
Harley scoots toward me on her seat and positions herself in front of me with her IV cart. “Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.” Like every other time, I offer up my left hand and she starts my IV, then flushes it before hooking me up to my chemo.
“Alright, Laney. You’re going.” She pats my hand gently and packs up her IV cart. “Let me know if you need something, and I’ll be by to check on you in a few.”
“Perfect. Thank you, Harley.” Reaching along the side of my chair, I pull my Kindle out of my purse and power it on, letting the words of the story carry me away. There is absolutely nothing better than getting wrapped up in a fictional world. It’s an outlet, a way to forget about your own life and your own problems, and it’s been a great means of escape these past few months.
“Laney?”
My head snaps up when Harley says my name. I take a quick glance at my watch, surprised to see her checking on me so soon. “What’s up?”
Her green eyes are sparkling and her smile is so big that it’s almost blinding. “Your visitor is here.”
My brows furrow and lips purse, and I shake my head. “I don’t have a visitor today,” I say slowly.
“Yes, you do.” She winks and then moves out of the way. My eyes instantly find Levi standing in the doorway. He looks absolutely gorgeous, and the sight of him alone brings tears to my eyes. My bottom lip trembles and I bite the inside of my cheek, determined to keep from crying. Levi’s face is a blank canvas as he walks toward me, his eyes bouncing from my face to the bags of liquid to the IV in my hand, then back to me. I can’t read him at all. There is nothing more that I want than to be able to know what he’s thinking . . . what he’s feeling.
“Hey.” His hoarse voice makes my heart rate spike and I take a slow, deep breath.