Primal Scream (Box Set #1, Taboo Sex + AFF) (24 page)

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[Emails from Jack / excerpts]

28 March 06

…
and I wanna say something about myself…I just realized something about myself…that I’m afraid to get into a relationship…I have a commitment phobia…I think…it makes me scared just thinking about it…about relationships…I’m afraid to commit to anyone…I think it’s the after effects of breaking up…maybe it wasn’t a good idea to get attached to her in the first place…I just hope that this won’t affect me in the future or anything associated with it.

4 April 2006

Sometimes you trust someone too much and they repay the trust with blood…your blood…just that sometimes old memories come back and haunt me…and sometimes people that you really trust…they are just not what they seem.

20 April 2006

i wanna thank you for being a friend when needed. for being my friend even though i asked you out. haha. for being a source of encouragement with your abstract way of thinking. the always look on the bright side of life thinking. the always smile never frown thinking. the one who always seems to brighten my day. the one that never fails to make me laugh even when i’m brain dead. thanks.

5 May 2006

Hmm…I feel sick…I dunno…I’ve a damn big headache…makes me wanna kill myself…I dunno where it came from…exams are here…but I’m not worried…I dunno…I know I can do it…I believe in myself…self belief is a very important thing that’s needed in these situations…I believe in myself. And I know I can do it…no matter what comes…no matter whatever is thrown at me…I know I can do it…

If only I have such willpower when it comes to relationships…

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Drea suddenly realized she was becoming just like Jack, if she wasn’t already.

She remembered the ‘her’ referred to in the “28 March 2006” email—a cheerleading model bombshell hottie at Jack’s school. She thought the “20 April 2006” email was a sweet and genuine note. She was always secretly hoping to re-locate that side of Jack.

Drea would always reply those kinds of emails as thoroughly as she could, as a good friend would. At the time, she never told anyone else about what Jack told her in private. She knew he liked his privacy.

He’d reply along the lines of:

“
Thanks! I love talking to you…”

“
You’ve a very cool personality…very nice to be with…”

And Drea would think:
Clearly he’s out of his mind/element. He’s a Libra/Gemini combination (a double air sign), after all.

[May 2010]

So Drea felt it was a real bitch-slap, when she received Jack’s reply, once she’d confessed her true feelings and desires for him:

You’re reading too much into things.

Was she?

She felt like she’d been in a long distance pseudo-relationship, for a long while. Jack was nowhere, and everywhere, at the same time, and it was starting to seriously damage and wear down Drea’s spirit.

She felt trapped, like she was locked in a heart-shaped box she had no key to.

Jack had just gotten a new girlfriend, in May. He’d had so many, in the past. Though according to him, he’d never swapped nude pix or clips with any of them. He even went so far to insist that he wasn’t sexually active. He seemed very slick and capable, in upkeeping his favored persona. He was voted as “most chivalrous” and “most likely to always hold a door open for a female” on one of the apps on Facebook.

Facebook.

Sure, it was easy to say that online relationship were for losers. Not quite so, for the folks at Match.com, and other online dating websites, which had actual proven success stories.

Everytime they tried to break off all contact, they’d contact each other again, sooner or later. By text messages, emails, or chat messages, before and after Drea had gone over to Adelaide.

Adelaide was Australia’s wine capital, laidback and peaceful, very different from the congested setting of the tropical metropolis of Singapore. But Drea continued to feel suspended in time and space, because of all the “unfinished business” with Jack. They had too long a history, to completely ignore. The early teenage dates, the early mutual groping/semi-masturbatory sessions, she rejecting him at age 18 (she’d wanted to focus on her ‘A’-level finals—he’d retaliated by getting together with the high-maintenance bombshell at his junior college; the relationship disintegrated the following year), their almost friends-with-benefits deal at 21, after the blitz of photos and video clips they’d shared.

Jack had backed out of the proposed one night stand. Why would someone ask for it, and then walk out of it?

He couldn’t face up to the primal drives beneath, which had nothing to do with idealized notions of romance or relationships.

Drea wanted to kill him, some days. She remembered the light, tentative touches they’d exchanged as teenagers. They were light, gentle touches that promised something more. They were touches that fed her sexual yearnings over the years—everyone always wanted what they couldn’t get.

She matched everyone up against Jack.

Of course, no one could match the perfect ideal she had of him, in her head. And of course, what Drea thought was real, was really real, to her.

Be careful with what you wish for…you might just get it.
It was a phrase Drea pondered on, from time to time.

She knew what she wanted—Jack.

She didn’t know why her small circle of close friends hadn’t given up on her yet. “YOU DESERVE BETTER,” they kept repeating, though the little girl in Drea continued to pursue the white knight she perceived to be in Jack’s being.

After all,
he
was the romantic, not she. It was from Jack’s playlist and MSN screen names that Drea had learned to look at song lyrics, not just zone out to riveting melodies and tunes. It was Jack that first sought out and drew out her sexual side and nature.

He seemed to take two steps back, each time Drea got closer. She wondered if his Libra Sun and Gemini Moon had anything to do with it. His changeable Gemini nature was too much for her “crazy” Pisces Moon, which had trouble setting up emotional boundaries.

Being a Virgo Sun didn’t help Andrea much either, since all Virgos were adept at analyzing, analyzing, and analyzing. How much analysis would it take, to solve Jack the Riddle?

Air signs could get manic when in love, from an astrological perspective. Not that Jack would ever believe in any of that type of thing. It was too unfounded for his “logical mind.”

It was either or, for Drea. Perhaps her Venus Scorpio had something to do with it. Jack too, was a Venus Scorpio. A Libra Sun with Venus Scorpio—Jack’s combination— made one very, very good in bed. It was a killer combo. Drea knew, because she was living through it, and killing herself, in the process. After all, self-sacrifice and martyrdom appealed to the Pisces Moon in her. She didn’t yet know that it was OK to say no, and to respect her own limits.

The Venus Scorpio signaled an obsession with sex, and power issues, things which had always been a part of Drea’s daily existence. She either wanted Jack, and all of Jack, or would perceive him to not even exist.

She loved and hated him with an equal amount of ardor and passion. She loved the boy in him, that saw love as a perfect and ideal concept. One could tell so easily, if they listened to the songs he did.

Such as a bunch of song titles he’d once sent at random, directly to her email inbox, sometime in 2009. Drea’s email address was the only address in the “to” section. Drea was wondering if he’d sent the email by mistake, at first. Drea had put aside the email for months, before she re-opened it in early 2010, and checked on the lyrics behind the actual songs that the titles signified.

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[Songs from Jack’s Playlist / Lyrics]

[Why]

I don’t know why I can’t breathe whenever you’re on my mind

We haven’t fucked but it really makes me wonder…

[Argh Technology]

I’m sick of technology. Why don’t you just get on top of me.

I’d love to put you outta control

Skin to skin, I’d love to be inside you…I’m dyin’

[Driftwood]

I’m waiting for ya to free my soul

I wanna drift away in your rock and roll

[The Color Yellow]

Look how the stars shine for you

And all that you do

I’d bleed dry for you

[Let’s Pretend]

Can you tell me what’s special about me?

I believe it’s all going to end

I guess we’ll just pretend

We’ll see how far it is we’ve come

[I Never Should Have]

It was you who left my heart in pieces.

Ah, I should have never trust you.

[You Remind Me]

I’m sick inside / I’ve no sense of any feelings.

I said I love you, a long time ago.

I swear I still do.

[Wherever You Will]

I’ll go wherever you go

High up or down low

I know how my life and love might go on

In your heart and mind

I’ll be with you for the rest of time

[Pushhh -- Matchstick 20]

This ain’t over, not while I still need you around

We may change, we may just feel good

You don’t know me, I can’t change

Things can get so crazy

I wanna push you down, I wanna push you around

I’ll drag you down, yeah I will

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Drea had two playlists, one with Jack’s songs, one with her own favorite songs. The problem was that they were both more in love with love itself, than each other. The whole thing just felt like a deluge, that could very easily turn into a foggy mist. She saw less of him in her mind, and just a kaleidoscope of sound and thought and feeling…with she and Jack smashed to bits in it.

She still wanted to survive. She was just sick of playing this game, increasingly by herself. She wasn’t sure she wasn’t the furthest thing from his mind, now that he knew her true feelings for him. She thought he was the most skilled person she knew in deception.

He had to know her true feelings, because she’d told him. She’d sent him a long email in early 2010, and requested delivery confirmation for the email message.

She told him because she saw the trouble he had, with being direct about his own feelings. So she thought she’d jump ahead, and demonstrate her sincerity, first. She wrote a clear, concise email, one that she thought he wouldn’t have trouble understanding or digesting. She said what she had to, and left as much of her psychosis as she could, out of it.

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from: dRea sng

to: .Jack Chin.

date: Sun, Jan 24, 2010 at 11:51 AM

subject: you.

mailed-by: geemail.com