“
I tried,” my mother whispered. “I tried and tried. But they classified me as unstable. I was crazy.” She took a deep breath. “Everything I said was thrown out on grounds of insanity.”
My eyes darted to my father. “Why didn’t you try?”
He looked at my mother a moment, then shook his head. “I couldn’t.”
“
You couldn’t?” I asked, my voice rising. “You couldn’t? You couldn’t defend your wife and murdered child? God, Dad! Really?” My fists slammed on the metal table, louder and harder than my father’s had. My shadow of a father, who barely lifted a finger of any emotion, couldn’t even defend his family at the worst of times. Anger flooded me, and I didn’t try to calm it down.
“
Millie,” he said evenly. “Your mother needed me.”
“
You’re right, Dad. She did. And you did nothing!”
“
Nothing?” His voice cracked. I could see the pain flood his face as my words hit him. “I killed a man who had been intent on hurting her. I buried our little boy so that her last memory of touching him would be when he was warm and alive.” He leaned in, tears flowing once again from his blood shot eyes. “I didn’t tell the truth, Millie, because I was the only hope your mother had of staying with me and away from a mental house. If I stayed quiet, they let us stay together. I was told to keep her calm. If I did that, then we would stay together.”
My mother turned her face to him, shock breaking through her own tears. “Alan…” By the haunted tone of her breaking voice, I realized she had never known what my father had just told me.
He reached over and gently stroked her wet cheek. “I couldn’t let them do that you to you, Leann. They had taken away our baby, our future, our freedom… I couldn’t let them take away our love.”
I had never seen this affection between my parents. My father seemed so strong. My mother became tender in his outreached fingers, her face leaning against his protecting hand. This was the image I had always dreamed of my parents. Two people, madly in love. Two people who would do anything for each other. I had never realized they had already done everything for each other.
My father closed his eyes, his hand still holding my mother’s face. “It was just after we were finally incarcerated here that we found out we were pregnant with you. They wanted us to abort you.” He clenched his eyes shut tighter. “But one of our babies had already died. We couldn’t let them kill you too.”
My mother turned her face to me. The clarity in her eyes, the lack of any fog licking at her mind amazed me. “Charlie was my first baby. I see him sometimes, Millie. I see him as the baby he was, as the man he should be. I let myself fall into those fantasies of him. I know I shouldn’t. But I can’t control it. I need it. I know I look insane, that I haven’t been the mother for you I should have been.” She wiped the tears from her face and leaned to the glass. “But Millie, you are my baby too. You are my baby who saved me. Without you…” Her eyes became haunted. She blinked it away, but never finished the sentence.
I stared at them a moment. Then the words gently slipped from my lips. “I am so sorry.”
I would have given anything right then for that glass to be gone. I needed my parents. I needed to feel their arms around me, holding me, protecting me from this dangerous world I thought I knew. I had thought I knew so much. Everything had been turned upside down though. I needed them, now, but the thick glass between us stood as a cold reminder that they were forever locked away from me.
“
There has to be a way,” I said, trying to let hope fill my choked voice. “There has to be a way to clear you. I will find it.”
“
No Millie,” my father said forcefully.
“
What? Why Dad? Do you really want to stay in there?” I couldn’t believe my ears.
My father sighed. “This is our life now. In here, I can protect your mother. She gets the medicine she needs. We are… safe.” He locked eyes with my mother a moment, then looked back to me. “We need to stay here.”
“
Mom…” I could feel my voice begging, searching for her to disagree with what my father had said.
“
He’s right, Millie.” I could see her hand creep forward, reaching to me. Her fingers touched the glass. I could see her eyes cringe, her breath gasp as she let her fingers drop to the counter. “You need to stay free, Millie. For us. Please, there is so much you can do with your life. We will always be here. Don’t let us hold you back.”
I could see the pain killing her. My mother was saying goodbye to her baby. I was her only baby left, and she had to sit on the other side of glass and metal and say goodbye. It felt almost as bad as death. Ice cold and unforgiving. It held no love, no warmth, no final farewell. Just the taunt of the see-through wall.
I nodded, slowly.
Lifting a hand to the glass, I let its cold press against my palm. My fingers spread apart as I pressed harder. In my mind I could see my hand sinking through, reaching for my parents and holding them one last time. It didn’t sink though. The glass pressed firmly back at me, denying me.
My mother lifted her hand. Her fingers shook as she slowly moved toward mine. She carefully laid her hand on mine, flattening her fingers on the icy glass. Her lips quivered as she looked at me, her eyes wide. I pressed harder, hoping that some warmth would find its way to her small palm
She stroked the glass, her eyes achingly full of pain and love. “My baby,” she barely whispered.
Leaning in close, I spoke carefully through the grating. “Mom, I love you. Do you believe me?” She nodded, her head barely moving as if afraid she would lose eye contact with me at any moment. “I love you too, Dad.” I glanced at him. He nodded to me, his eyes streaming still with the flood of tears. I looked back to my mother, locking my eyes to hers. “I will always love you Mom. Always. I will… I will always be your baby.”
I could feel the sting of tears at my eyes. My mother let out a soft sob, her lips still quivering, and offered me a small smile. I watched my parents one last time. They were different now in my eyes. The monsters weren’t sitting there across the glass. No, the monsters were waiting everywhere else in the outside world. I pressed my hand against the glass once more, then nodded and stood.
There were no more words.
We didn’t need any more words.
I turned the handle, and walked out of the room.
19
J
ude was waiting for me as I stepped back into the hall.
I knew he had heard every word. I could see it in his eyes, in the way he nervously reached for me, then lowered his hand before his fingers could brush my arm. I offered him a smile, lips quivering. A tear broke free and I quickly wiped it away with my fingertips.
“
Millie… are you going to be alright?”
“
I am,” I said without hesitation. For a reason I could not understand, I knew that it was true. Something inside had clicked.
Jude smiled softly at me then motioned for me to walk down the hall. I took my place next to him and joined his slow pace as we headed to the waiting room door.
“
How are things?” His voice sounded careful, as if trying to find the right question to ask.
I nodded. “They are good. Work is good. I like the trees.” The smile on my face warmed.
“
That’s good. I was worried for a bit.”
“
Why?”
Jude stopped walking. I stopped beside him, just close enough to hear him take in a deep breath. “After you left,” he said slowly, glancing toward the camera at the end of the hall. Its light was still dead. “Carl GF4 started to act strange. He tried to find a way to call you back. Said you shouldn’t have been released. We all almost believed him. But I knew you deserved it. Your parents vouched for you. Another prisoner did too, named Orrin. Did you know him?”
At the sound of Orrin’s name I felt my breath catch in my throat. I looked at Jude, my cheeks warming. “Um, yeah. We talked sometimes.” Casting my eyes down, I added, “You know… Fishing.”
Jude let out a laugh. “You fished? Oh, that’s great.” Jude shook his head, smiling.
The smile faltered as he went on. “They dismissed his petition. Carl made life hell around here. He started to overly discipline inmates. He became dark, moody… even other guards were scared. Your parents were forced to work longer hours by the staff, in hopes that Carl would leave them alone.” Jude let out a clipped breath. “He was ‘encouraged’ to take some leave. Clear his head you know. Suddenly he was back to normal Carl. We all assumed the strange mood had passed. Guards… they get those moods sometimes. I don’t know why.”
Jude looked over to me, his eyes studying my face a moment, his lips tense. “I was worried, Millie. But if you say things are good, then I can stop worrying. That’s great.” Jude squinted his eyes a moment, thinking. “Why would he do that, Millie?”
I swallowed hard. “I don’t know,” I said. “I barely knew him.”
“
Strange.”
Jude kept looking at me. I nervously shifted my weight, my eyes flitting to look back at the dead camera.
“
You’re different, Millie.” He moved slightly closer. “You’re not the Jail Baby that would lie on the floor late at night anymore. I don’t know what it is, but something in you has changed.”
“
Oh.” I couldn’t think of anything better to say. I couldn’t tell if he was upset, if he was happy. I knew his voice. I knew his laugh and his sigh. But seeing him there now, standing in front of me, seemed to change things. I couldn’t read him.
“
Remember what I told you about my family? Why I didn’t go with them?” I nodded as he asked. “I think you were my reason. I knew there was something good I would need to do here. I think I waited for you.”
Jude reached up and pulled a necklace out from under his uniform shirt. Lifting it over his head, he looked at it with a softly then held it out to me. It was a black leather cord. Something swung from it. Looking closer, I saw a small key, just big enough to fit in the palm of my hand, tied to the cord. Its smudged silver surface shone dully in the dim light.
I reached forward and took the key in my hand. It was very simple. No elaborate designs. Just the hole at one end with the leather tied through it, and the teeth on the other. The end of the teeth stopped abruptly, leaving the tip of the key flat and smooth. I ran my fingertip along the glassy tip. Smooth as ice.
“
I don’t know why my family was given access to the Wall. I guess we had high enough standing. That, or we had enough money.” Jude started walking forward again and I followed, my eyes still fastened onto the small key. “My parents never used the key. They never let me set foot on the beach that I could hear day and night. I would see that key hanging around my father’s neck, and wanted so badly to use it and escape to the ocean. When they left, he gave me the key. And now… I can’t get myself to use it.” He glanced at me, his eyes heavy with memories. “I want you to have it.”
“
Why are you giving me this?” I asked.
“
I can see something in your eyes, Millie. You may not know it yet, but that key is what you need. The end has a small chip in it with my families DNA stored on file. The lock will only recognize that key, and that key alone. No one can pick it or fake it. Remember that.”
I rolled the key between my fingers. Doubt tugged at my mind. I couldn’t do anything else. I had found out the truth. Now I would return to the Orchard and finish my parole. Even with this key, the beach was just a distant dream, a hope I could never reach. My life had already been laid out for me. A tight knot formed in my throat.
Jude touched my arm. He carefully picked up the dangling leather cord and draped it around my neck. The key hung off of it, so light I could barely feel it until it bounced against my chest.
“
Jude. I feel so lost.” My voice was small.
Jude tucked a finger under my chin, lifting my face to look at him.
“
Millie, I know you. You are the good, and the strong.”
I nodded to him, tears stinging my eyes as a smile formed on my lips. Patting my arm, Jude started walking again.
We finally reached the door. Jude turned to me and offered his soft smile that had kept me awake and happy through to many lonely prison nights. “I’m going to miss you Millie. But I am happy I got to see you again. This one last time.”
“
Maybe… Maybe it won’t be the last time.”
Jude’s smile didn’t fade. “Maybe, maybe not. One thing life teaches you is that it is unpredictable. If we wait for something to happen, and it never happens, we will just waste our lives waiting. If I see you again Millie, I would love it. Believe me. But if I never see you again,” he glanced at the camera. The red light suddenly flicked back on, glaring down at us. Jude lowered his eyes and looked at me once more. “Then I will be happy too.”
Turning the handle, he motioned me through the door, then clicked it closed it behind me.
| | |
Reed drove slowly. I could tell his mind was somewhere else. His brow furrowed, his jaw clenched and unclenched over and over. I reached over and gently touched his shoulder. Reed jumped, then let out a sigh and reached his hand up to hold mine. I could see his other hand tighten around the steering wheel.