Private 10 - Suspicion (7 page)

"Hmm ... I've been getting that too," I said.

"Jen made it easier," Sawyer told me, lifting his knife. He paused. Both of us were moving slowly, as if tentatively testing the waters to make sure we wanted to continue in each other's company. "She always figured out away to get me involved."

"Siblings can be good like that, "I said, thinking of my own brother, Scott, who had always let me hang out with his friends even when he thought I was a raving dork. I wondered how this trip might have been different if Jen were here. Whose side would she have taken?

Paige, Poppy, and Sienna hadn't spoken to me once at dinner last night. Hadn't even looked in my direction. I wondered if Jen would have sided with them and given me the cold shoulder, or if she would have been okay with me and Upton.

If Sawyer was right--if Jen and I were anything alike--I liked to think she would have been on my side.

"That's why I was so surprised when Kiran had the idea for this party. I thought she didn't know I existed," Sawyer said as he reached for the butter. "I'm kind of nervous about it, actually."

"Nervous?" I said. "Why?"

"No one's ever thrown a party for me before," he replied, blushing. "And I'm not big on the spotlight."

"Oh. Yeah. I get that." I cut into my pancakes as a stiff breeze caused the tropical flowers to dance in their planters. My shoulders started to relax. For a minute there I'd gotten so embroiled in the drama, I'd forgotten where I was, but now the fresh air rushed over me. Soothed me. "Don't worry. I'll make sure they don't get too crazy."

"Yeah?" Sawyer asked hopefully.

"Yeah," I replied. "I mean, I still think you deserve a party, but it can be more like a soiree and less of a--"

"Abrouhaha?" he asked.

"I was thinking hootenanny, but we can go with yours," I joked. Sawyer laughed and the last of the tension melted away from the table. Obviously he was still dealing with some strong emotions about his sister's death, so I wasn't about to hold a grudge about the things he'd said. I understood how that could happen. I was sure I'd said and done some regrettable things after Thomas had died. There was something reassuring about hanging out with someone who understood the dark side of things. Who wouldn't judge me if ever I suffered from verbal vomit.

I had a feeling that Sawyer and I were going to be really good friends.

I gripped the underside of my seat as the sailboat tipped sideways and sea spray showered over me, stinging the bare patches of skin. My heart lurched as we tipped even further and I looked down at my life vest. Was this skimpy little thing really going to keep me afloat when we capsized?

"It's beautiful out here today!" Upton shouted as he raced from one side of the boat to the other, turning this crank and adjusting that rod. He wasn't even wearing a vest. What if he slipped and fell overboard? Then I'd be stranded on this boat all alone with no idea how to turn it around and save him. What the hell was he thinking, bringing me out here? What had I been thinking when I said yes? We should have been spending the day on the beach, where it was nice and dry and solid and safe.

"Having fun yet?" he asked jovially, hanging on to a sail line and swinging back and forth.

I forced myself to look out at the water, trying to see this beauty he was so hopped up about, but all I could see was me. Alone. Floating. Sinking. Almost drowning. That was it. Forget this 'brave Reed' act. I couldn't take it anymore.

"How much longer are we going to be out here?" I asked.

"What?" Upton replied.

"I don't think I can do this!" I shouted, my knuckles smarting from the force of my grip. Upton's face paled. He seemed to really see me for the first time on our sail. He dropped down onto the gleaming wood deck and teetered his way over to me, hanging on to whatever ropes were in reach.

"Are you all right?" he asked, crouching in front of me.

"If this is your idea of lying low..."

Upton covered his eyes with his hand, then slid it down to cover his mouth. He looked stricken. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I should have realized. To me this is relaxing, but obviously to you . . . I'm such an idiot."

I didn't say anything to refute this conclusion.

"I was going to anchor the boat out here for a little while," he said. "But if you want to go back--"

"Anchor?" I said, my voice a squeak. "As in stop moving?"

"That's generally what an anchor does, yeah," he joked.

"I think I could maybe handle that."

"All right, then. We'll try it," he said. "But if you want to go back, just say the word."

"Thanks," I said, already feeling more secure. "I will." Fifteen minutes later, the boat was at rest. Aside from the gentle lolling as it dipped up and down with the waves, there was no movement. Upton helped me up from my perch at the center of the boat and gripped me tightly as I walked on quaking legs to the stern. The area was lined with benches covered with colorful striped cushions. There was a picnic basket, filled with gourmet breakfast foods no doubt, in the center of the wood-paneled floor. I had yet to tell Upton about my early breakfast with Sawyer, figuring that if Sawyer had such negative feelings about Upton, then Upton might feel the same way about Sawyer.

"Is this okay?" Upton asked as I sank onto the soft bench.

"This'll work," I replied, my voice steady.

Upton sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. I curled against him, my bulky life vest shifting awkwardly toward my opposite shoulder. His chest rose and fell steadily beneath my cheek, and I could just make out the beating of his heart. He ran his fingers back and forth over my upper arm and I sighed.

"Yeah. This will definitely work."

Upton shifted and I tilted my head back so I could see him. He moved his fingers to my face and looked into my eyes intently, like he was trying to make out each and every fleck of color there. I smiled slightly and he leaned in to kiss me. The waves lapped at the underside of the boat. Off in the distance, a motor revved, and seagulls cawed overhead. I was no longer scared. We were alone out here, yes, but it didn't matter. Because Upton was with me.

The kiss grew deeper and I gripped Upton's shirt in my hand, pulling him closer to me. The stupid life vest was like a wall between our chests, and when I felt him fumbling for the buckles, I didn't stop him. Forget safety. All I wanted was to feel Upton's body as close to mine as it could get.

The buckles loosened. I flung one arm out of the vest, then sat up, pushing him back momentarily, to free myself from the other. The second the vest hit the floor, Upton nudged me back onto the cushions. Back, back, back until I was lying flat beneath him. He pulled away from our kiss for a moment to look me in the eye again. Make sure I wasn't ready to stop. I so wasn't. He smiled and kissed me again, resting his full weight over my body. I wrapped my arms around him, pushed my hand up under the back of his shirt so I could feel his skin, which was insanely warm. Upton trailed kisses across my cheek and down my neck. His lips tickled my skin and I turned my head to the side so he could keep going. He brushed my hair away from my shoulder and traced a little circle on my skin with the tip of his tongue. It sent shivers right through me and I laughed.

Upton lifted his head and looked at me quizzically. "Miss Brennan, this is not a laughing matter," he said with mock seriousness.

"Sorry," I said, sliding away from him and sitting up a bit. I crooked one leg over the side of the bench and bent the other on the cushion. "I'll try to be more discreet."

"Good. Because laughter can really mess with a guy's confidence, you know?" he said, still joking.

He picked up my ankle and rested my leg over his lap. Then he started running his fingertips up and down my shin. I bit my lip.

"No laughing," he admonished.

I pressed my lips together. His fingers moved higher, tickling my knee. This was torture.

"No laughing," he warned again.

He moved his fingers higher, caressing my bare thigh. Every inch of my skin grew hot. He looked at me. I wasn't about to laugh. His fingers climbed higher. And higher. I felt them graze the hem of my shorts, but I didn't take my eyes off his. He shifted his position and slipped his hand under the fabric. Higher. Higher. Laughter was no longer an issue. I wanted to do this. Wanted to let him touch me. But at the last second, something snapped.

"Upton."

He drew his hand away instantly. "I'm starting to sense a pattern here." He wasn't angry. Just disappointed.

"I'm sorry, I just. .."

Ever since my conversation with Sawyer that morning, I couldn't stop thinking about Jen Hathaway. When, exactly, had she been with Upton? How did she fit into the ever-expanding tangled mess of his love life? And if I looked like her, if I reminded Sawyer so much of her, did Upton see the resemblance as well?

I didn't really want to ask him any of these things. Wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answers. But they just joined the growing list of unknown facts about Upton's past. His very, very colorful past.

Upton studied my face. I didn't know what to say, so I just looked back at him.

"Can I ask you something?" he said finally.

"Okay."

"Would this be ... I mean, it's not your... Would this be your first time?" he asked.

"No," I told him. My face burned and I looked down at my lap. I tugged down on the hems of my shorts. "But it would be my second."

"Oh." He sat back against the cushions. My leg was still across his lap. I was glad he didn't feel the need to move it.

"And it's not that I don't want to, because I do," I said. "It just feels like a big decision, and there's a lot involved. I mean, you've been with so many girls and I--"

"Is that what this is about?" Upton said. "You're still jealous."

"No! Not jealous," I said, sitting forward. "I swear it's not that. I'm just ... curious. About what you've done. And maybe a little worried. I mean, you have a lot of experience and I have no idea what I'm doing."

Upton let out a short laugh. A knowing laugh. "We've all been there." Not exactly the response I was expecting. Or hoping for. I wanted him to say that it didn't matter. That he knew it would be great with me. That every other girl he'd ever been with actually sucked at it, and he was sure I would be amazing. Is it wrong for a girl to want to hear a little white lie at a moment like this?

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Let me tell you a little story," Upton said, turning sideways on the bench to better face me. Intrigued, I curled my legs up story style. "About my first time." Interesting. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear this. But then, he had offered so little detail of his romantic past, and all I'd done was imply that I wanted to know. If I stopped him, I'd look even more immature and squeamish than I already did. So I bit my tongue and said nothing. Bring on the awkwardness!

"It was with an older woman," he said, an amused smile playing on his lips.

"Older like older?" I asked. Already I didn't like this.

"Yeah. As in I was a teenager and she was an adult."

Ew. "Okay."

"Talk about being worried about being good," Upton said, shaking his head. "I was terrified. It took me ages just to get up the guts to come out of the bathroom." I got a mental image of Upton, scrawny and half naked, cowering in a bathroom somewhere while this voluptuous older woman in red lingerie smoked a cigarette in bed, waiting for him. It all seemed so predatory and weird.

"But I finally did and there she was, totally naked, except for this big necklace made out of these sharp, gold leaves, which, for some reason, she neglected to take off," he said with a laugh. "Now I'm both too scared and too polite to say anything, so I just go with it. And the whole time, I'm trying to concentrate and not do anything stupid and make sure I'm respectful, and the whole time, this sodding heavy necklace keeps whacking me in the face. It was a nightmare." He was laughing full out now, so I forced myself to smile.

You wanted to know this stuff, Reed. You wanted to know where he s been.

"But of course by the time it was all over I didn't mind it anymore. I thought I was so cool and mature when it was done, you know? I was such a little twit." Upton said, shaking his head. "So I go striding back into the bathroom like I'm some kind of experienced playboy now, and I take one look in the mirror and I have dozens of these tiny little cuts all over my face. I had to tell my parents I was attacked by a cat."

"Did they believe you?" I asked, incredulous.

"Who knows? If they didn't, they never told me." Upton settled back in his seat and rested his arm on the back of the cushions. He tickled my shoulder with his fingertips. "So what about you? "

"Me?" I asked, trying to eradicate all the disturbing visuals from my mind.

"What was your first time like? " he asked.

I thought of Thomas and my heart flipped over and died, just like it did every time I got a vivid picture of his face. Those teasing blue eyes. The tiny scar on his jaw. His private just-forme smile.

"It was nothing as interesting as the story you just told," I said, looking down at my hands.

"Come on. I told you mine, now you tell me yours," Upton chided. I took a deep breath. "It was sweet. It was perfect, really." I smiled slightly, remembering how cautious Thomas had been with me. How slow and almost reverent. My heart suddenly ached at the thought of him. "It wasn't something I was expecting to do that night, but for once I let go and just did what I wanted to do in the moment. And then a couple weeks later... he died."

Upton's eyes clouded over. "Oh, God, Reed, I'm sorry. I'm such an idiot. I'd forgotten." He looped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him, kissing my forehead. "We don't have to talk about this."

"Okay."

He held me there for a long while. I breathed in and out, in and out, until the images went away. Until the aching subsided. I didn't want to be this person. This dark and gloomy person who ruined a perfectly gorgeous day out on the Caribbean Sea talking about her doomed first love with the guy she was currently dating. I wanted to move on. I wanted to be free of the whole thing already. I just wanted to be able to let myself go with Upton. Be completely and truly with him and no one else. Why couldn't I just do that?