Private Parts (24 page)

"What political party is
President Bush
a member of?" I asked.

"I know he's either Republican or the other one ... but I don't know. I would say Democrat."

"Close enough," I exulted. "What is the capital of New York State?"

"Albany."

"What does the FBI stand for?"

"I don't know, I have no idea."

"Where is it located?"

"It's everywhere!"

It was fascinating watching this mind at work. I decided to give her a hard one.

"What's in iced tea?"

"Water," she said brightly.

"And?"

"Tea!"

Sandi Korn being interrogated on the set of my TV show.

We got such a great reaction to her quiz appearances that we decided to milk this thing for an

entire segment on my TV show -- the I Couldn't Get into College Bowl. So we brought Sandi back and had her match her intellect against a girl in the seventh grade named Jessica and a man with the maturity of a seventh-grader, Kenneth Keith Kallenbach, a charter member of our Wack Pack.

Suffice it to say that the seventh-grader wiped everybody out. Here's a breakdown of how Sandi did:

QUESTIONS SANDI WAS ABLE TO ANSWER CORRECTLY

1. How many days in a year?

2. Name an even number.

3. What is a clarinet?

4. What is Bush's wife's name?

5. What does E.T. stand for?

6. Who was the first president?

QUESTIONS SANDI WAS UNABLE TO ANSWER
CORRECTLY

1. What does ESP stand for?

2. What country did the United States declare independence from?

3. What substance do diamonds come from?

4. Who built the pyramids?

5. Who was the host of "The Twilight Zone"?

Sandi with Chuck Norris and Shadoe Stevens on the set of $20 Pyramid.

Of course, Sandi didn't do that badly compared to Kenneth Keith. He thought diamonds were a "substance unto themselves" and that Pete Rose was the host of "The Twilight Zone."

To this day, Sandi maintains she is intelligent. In fact, she wants to reaffirm that right here.

No matter where I go, everybody remembers that show. And it's weird because I am smart. I really am. But Howard asked me about the war and I was traveling around modeling so much I didn't keep track of things like that. I really could have sworn that we bombed Jerusalem because I have a friend who lives in Jerusalem and I'm sure he told me Jerusalem was bombed. But Jerusalem, Iraq -- it's all the same, anyway.

I like Sandi a lot because of her honesty. She once revealed that Donald Trump came up to her apartment and got on top of her and kissed her and dry-humped her. Trump denies it, but it's a good story, anyway.

Sandi's most recent photo; she's totally changed her look.

"Howard Stern broke the mold."
-- Ed Asner

BOB HOPE

There're two great things about having Bob Hope on my show. First, I never know if he understands half the questions I'm asking him. It seems as if he hears every other word. I've asked Bob Hope questions nobody else would ever dare to ask him and there's no way of telling if he's just avoiding answering them or he's too zoned out to understand.

"What about Martha Raye? Did she ever come on to you?" I asked.

"Martha Raye? Oh, sure! We started together."

"But the two of you were never lovers?"

"We started together at Paramount..."

"Hey, are you glad Carson's packing it in?"

"Yeach," Bob growled.

"To heck with Carson already. It's enough," I said.

"Yeah, I'm doing Carson Friday night."

"What about Ann-Margret?"

"Oh, Ann-Margret..."

"I heard you said I was the brightest talent you'd seen since Ann-Margret," I said.

"Isn't that something?"

He had absolutely no idea what I was saying. I don't know if he's on the same planet with the rest of us. But one thing he knows is how to promote whatever stupid NBC special he's got coming up. He called in to plug his new program and it was right after the L.A. riots. I tried to get him to comment on the riots but he wouldn't bite.

"I hate that looting," I said. "I hope with all those TVs they stole they watch your special."

"Yeah, right."

"You know what I'm saying."

"Saturday night!"

But the one thing that Bob loved to talk about was the fact that he used to play golf with George Bush's father, Prescott Bush. Like clockwork, every time I interviewed him he'd say exactly the same thing. "Do you know that George Bush's father's name is Prescott? Prescott Bush. I played golf with him and Eisenhower. He was a senator from Connecticut."

I don't even know if he remembered that he had told me that story nineteen times before. So the last time I interviewed him I told Robin I would find a really creative way to make him tell me the

story. "Robin, I'll get Bob Hope to tell the Prescott Bush story without asking him about George Bush, watch me."

I then called Hope and about fifteen minutes into the conversation I asked Bob if he was going to remember me in his will.

"Are you gonna leave me anything in your will?"

"I think so, Howard."

"You're considering it?"

"Yes, sir."

"Seriously, how about remembering me, Howard Stern, in your will? You have so much money a few million would be like nothing."

"I'll think about that today."

"There would be no greater honor to me than if Bob Hope, in his will, left me five million dollars. That's nothing to you."

"Something like that."

"Think about it, I'm a good guy."

"We may cut down on the zeros."

"By the way, Bob, my middle name is Prescott. Howard Prescott Stern. Make sure you put it in your will just like that."

Bob suddenly came alive. "PRESCOTT!? COME ON!!"

"Yeah, Prescott."

"Do you know that George Bush's father's name was Prescott? Prescott Bush. I played golf with him and Eisenhower. He was a senator from Connecticut."

There you are.

PATTI DAVIS REAGAN

Not only did Patti tell me that old Nancy "Just Say No" was zonked out half the time on Valium and that Patti had actually gotten banged in the White House, but she then spilled the beans about a threesome she had once participated in. She said she found it distracting. "Logistically, you had to sort of figure out who was gonna do what to whom -- you know?"

I pressed her for details. She did it with her boyfriend and his best friend. They'd been doing reefer or drinking and they all wound up sleeping together. She slept in between. She thought that was cute, but she wasn't a three-input woman.

All this talk was getting me crazy. I started to fantasize on the air about having my way with her. I asked her if she'd ever been spanked or tied up. She said no, but that being tied up might be an interesting idea.

"You have to trust someone a lot to let them tie you up. I don't even trust people to be nice to me, so trusting someone to tie me up would really be a stretch," she said.

"I listen to Howard every day." -- Patti Davis Reagan

"I'll teach you trust," I promised. "I'd tie you to the bed, spread-eagled, with my neckties. I'd tie your wrists to the headboard and I would take a tie and tie up your ankles. Now you're completely spread-eagled in your clothes and I walk out of the room. I'd leave for ten minutes."

"See, this is why I wouldn't let someone tie me up," Patti protested. "What a schmucky thing to do!"

"No, that would be just to make you think about what was gonna happen."

"But that's really mean," she said.

"But that's
taming
you! In my mind, that's getting you ready for the session."

"This is why I'm never gonna do this." "Oh, you're gonna do it," I asserted.

"That's abusive to abandon someone there," she complained.

"Of course! That would piss you off! When you tie someone up you don't do stuff they necessarily agree with. So you're tied up, you're lying there pissed, but meanwhile

you notice, five minutes into the session, that you're getting sexually aroused. Even though you're mad and upset about it, you're getting sexually aroused -- that's the sick thing about it. And you're going, This is the stupidest, schmuckiest thing. I hate this guy. When Howard comes back into the room, I'm gonna make him untie me.' But meanwhile, this is like Foreplay From Hell, because when I come back in the room, you're completely excited."

Patti started laughing now, this really weird piercing laugh from Mars. She was really getting into this scenario. I told her that she wouldn't be laughing like that if I was dominating her.

"And you're not laughing either," I continued.

"I wouldn't be laughing," she agreed. "I would be really upset."

"Actually, I could hold out a long time with you, because if you laughed like that, I would definitely not be too quick."

I went on with the scenario. I'd come back in, she'd yell at me, I'd tell her to shut up. I'd put some spiked heels on her feet. I'd cut four holes out of her leotard. Two on top, and then the other two. Then I'd leave her again, and then come back in and shave her completely.

"Now you're really pissed. You're furious. But you're completely

sexually excited," I said.

"Has any woman ever let you do this to her?" Patti asked.

"No, of course not."

I pressed on. "I'd do stuff to you for over an hour. I'd lick you. You'd have fifty orgasms and then you'd pass out. But I still wouldn't untie you! I'd leave for two hours. You'd hate me but you couldn't wait for me to come back.

"I'd come back, feed you lunch, and then we'd do it all over again. Then I'd untie you. That would be some session. Then I'd take the video out of the camcorder and sell it to 'Hard Copy': 'PRESIDENT'S DAUGHTER HAS SEX WITH DISGUSTING ANIMAL!'"

I could have sworn Patti would go for it but she had to go to another show to plug her new book. But my seed was planted, and my deep eroticism took hold. She's now writing a book on the subject of, you guessed it, bondage.

TORI SPELLING

If I wasn't married to Alison I'd go after that Tori Spelling. She's really cute, she's on a hit show, and any guy who bags her can back the Brink's truck up to the house. I had her on the show with Melissa Rivers once when we were broadcasting out of L.A. and I brought up the fact that people accused Tori of being an airhead.

"That's my character, not me," she said.

We decided to test her. I gave her a battery of questions. She knew that Daryl Gates was L.A.'s ex-police chief, that Woody Allen was being investigated for child molestation, and that Rodney King was the guy who was beaten up by the L.A. cops. But then I gave her a hard question.

"What's the capital of New York State?"

She hemmed and hawed. "C'mon, say anything," I implored her.

"New Jersey?" she guessed.

"I'm sorry," I said. "But as a consolation prize you get to kiss me goodbye while I grab your buttocks."

"What would I have gotten if I won?" Tori asked.

"The same thing," Robin said.

DONALD TRUMP

Donald is probably the only person on the planet who's more afraid of germs than I am. We were talking about his germ phobia once when the conversation shifted to his womanizing.

"With all those girls you're screwing around with, aren't you

afraid of AIDS?" I asked.

"Germ phobia is a problem," the Donald admitted. "You have to be selective. It's pretty dangerous out there. It's like Vietnam! Dating is my personal Vietnam!"

I love that quote. He's always one of our best guests.

"I tune in to Howard to hear what you rarely get these days
-- straight talk and very close to the mark."

--
Donald Trump

The Donald and the Howard rating women.

AXL ROSE

The first time I ever had Axl Rose from Guns N' Roses on was when a listener gave me his New York hotel phone number and we called him cold.

"Axl, it's Howard Stern! You're on the radio, man!" I greeted him.

"Oh, yeah. What's happening?"

"Uh-oh, you're sleeping," I said.

"Waking up," he said.

"I bet you're there with a babe," I said.

"No."

"Come down, man. I'll put you on Dial-a-Date," I offered.

"Maybe I need a breather," Axl said.

"Did you ever get Jessica Hahn?"

"I didn't go after Jessica Hahn. She needs a diet."

"Did Slash get her?" I said, figuring someone from the band had done the honors.

"Slash used her for a spittoon. He really enjoyed that," Axl said.

"Hey, you must be getting, I'd say, ten women a week," I guessed.

"Let's say psycho-bitches," Axl corrected.

"You get tattooed women?"

"We just get crazy people. If they last twenty-four hours, it's amazing. We give them like a twenty-four-hour test. If they act normal for more than twenty-four hours, they get to stay."

"I bet you've had three women at the same time. What's that like?" I needed to know.

"Usually someone gets pissed off," Axl said.

"Can't you get the other girls to get it on with each other? That's what I would have done."

"Yeah, that happens," he said nonchalantly.

"Oh, man!" I was dying with envy.

"The problem is they all get upset. They don't want me looking at another girl. So I say, 'You didn't pass the twenty-four-hour test.' Then I call a friend and they politely escort the person out."

That's what I need. A twenty-four-hour test -- to weed out every kook and asshole in my life. I learned a lot from Axl Rose that day.

JOAN RIVERS

Although I like Joan a lot, there are two odd things about her.

How is it that a rich woman can go on TV and sell that fake jewelry with a straight face ...
and
say that she thinks it's beautiful?