I smiled and nodded, “Great, that would be great. Just let me know his name and number and I’ll call him. I wouldn’t want you to go out of your way or anything.” I wanted to try to get a job on my own without some pull, but thinking more into it, I really didn’t know anyone here and a job with a lot of people around me was really what I needed to get my mind off HIM.
Oh phone…darn it, I need to get a phone so I could call this guy. And clothes and ugh…panties! Laughing out loud to myself, all eyes looked to me.
Melanie asked, “What’s so funny?”
I shrugged and felt slightly embarrassed. “We need a shopping trip. I don’t have anything, not even a phone!”
Clark jumped on that, speculating the necessary underclothes items. “Oh, I bet you need lingerie too! I personally volunteer to help you out with that! I know what girls like.”
I flushed red and Melanie jumped in. “No, thank you, she has had enough men controlling her life and doesn’t need another one jumping in telling her what panties to wear.”
I know she didn’t mean ill, but I was taken aback that she knew that HE did really control everything, even what I wore.
Melanie noticed my surprised look and put her hand on my arm and winked. “We’ll have a girl day and shop ‘til we drop. Just like old times!”
Flynn smiled towards me. “I’ll make a phone call to Z and let him know he has a new bartender.”
I turned to him and shyly replied. “Thanks. I’ll stop in there later to meet him and also just to get an idea of the place.”
He nodded with a warm smile. “Good, well Mel knows where it is.”
We sat and drank our coffee and chatted about where everyone worked. Flynn, I learned, was becoming an architect at his Dad’s firm. He loved it and enjoyed working with his Dad.
Clark, oddly enough, was a bouncer at night at the same club Flynn mentioned and during the day worked at a marketing firm as a graphic designer. He mentioned he loved the club more because he was able to get more girls there than his day job. Great. I couldn’t help but think how many girls I would run into coming out of the bathroom upstairs.
Melanie was selling art for a local shop nearby that specialized in expensive tastes. She had always loved art, but didn’t think it would ever pan out since her parents wanted her to be an accountant, which is what both of us received a degree for.
And here I am, Accounting degree, but haven’t worked at all in the past two years except to push my body to perfection for the sole purpose of HIS use. And how do I explain that to my new (and one old) friends? I didn’t. They didn’t ask and actually skirted the issue – for which I was so very thankful, except for the weird silence that fell on the conversation. Melanie ended the silence by saying it was time to head out for our shopping extravaganza.
We went upstairs to our own bedrooms to change. Good job Izzy, I scolded myself, ball your clothes up so they’re all crumpled. I bet that’s exactly what HE would say. Begrudgingly, I put my crumpled clothes back on and met Melanie outside my door. She laughed. “Reminds me of the old days after a long night of partying and running out for grease to calm our stomachs!” She shook her head and waved her hand for me to follow her. “Come on, I think I have jeans and a shirt you can wear that aren’t so wrinkled!” I followed her and changed into what she gave me. Thankful they fit, a bit loose, but still better than dirty and crumpled clothes.
Our first stop was to buy a new cell phone. One HE couldn’t track. Which brought me back to wonder if HE was even looking for me? Had HE already found someone else?
“Izzy, Izzy…hellooooo??” I heard Melanie sing. “Are you in there? Do you like this one or this one?”
I replied, “You pick, it doesn’t matter to me.”
Melanie sighed. “No, you’re going to pick. This is YOUR choice and your first choice to take back your life. Whatever HE did to you, he no longer controls your choices. It’s time for you to make them yourself.”
Wow. I hadn’t even thought that’s what I had done, but I think she was right. I did just pass off a choice because I never had to make decisions for myself while with HIM. “Umm, I’ll go for the red one. Has some spunk to it and that’s what I need right now.” Melanie smiled excitedly. I chose out a card for minutes and went to purchase my non-traceable phone.
We left the phone store and set on our mission for my new wardrobe. We had so much fun trying on silly clothes and goofing around. I purchased most of the basics and then some additional extravagant items, just for fun.
We sat down for lunch at a nearby restaurant with all of our shopping bags. I stared at the menu to figure out all my options. Usually my lunch was decided for me and it was made to guarantee that my body would not have an ounce of fat on it; that coupled with my daily personal training sessions with Mark.
All of a sudden panic set in. My chest tightened, I felt my breathing increase and tears filled my eyes.
Melanie’s eyes shot up to me and she rushed to my side, shouting to the waitress that we needed ice water. “Breathe, Izzy, deep breath. Close your eyes and think of cute puppies…golden retrievers, ones that are soft and cozy and with a big red bow.” She kept going on about a stupid red bow and something about Christmas morning, but I was trying to focus on breathing to the point I had to laugh about the stupid puppy vision she made me think of.
“Are you okay now? Better? Here, drink this.” The ice water was brought quickly and the waitress gave me a look of sympathy (what is it with me and waitresses feeling sympathy towards me?)
“Thank you,” I softly said to both of them. The waitress went on her way and Melanie gave me a dubious look, not believing that I felt alright.
“Want to talk about it?” She asked softly.
I shrugged and said, “Not much to talk about. I just freaked out I guess.”
“Umm, you freaked out looking at a menu. Are you sure you don’t want to talk?” Melanie asked.
Her look told me I should at least tell her a little bit, but I was still leery of going for the full story. “I, uh, I just wasn’t sure what I wanted to order. That’s all. I haven’t had to do it in a while,” I said sheepishly.
Melanie quirked her eyebrow as she asked, “You what? What do you mean you haven’t had to order? It’s lunch. You didn’t even get to order your own food?”
I took a deep breath and exhaled. “HE…” I started out slowly, “wanted to make sure I was in good shape all the time. So my meals were tailored to make sure of that.” There, I said it. That felt good to get that out. It was almost like a small weight was lifted, but there was still so much more to be told.
Shocked and almost skeptical, Melanie started to speak and her expression changed to determination. “Well, it’s time to take back all of your choices. First the cell phone and now lunch. You have an amazing body and don’t need to worry about that at all. Okay? Give me this one meal and order your heart’s desire.” Then she stopped, looking at me curiously, she asked, “How about the clothes? Why were you able to choose your clothes without a panic?”
I looked around briefly not wanting to meet her eyes. I shrugged and slowly said, “I was remembering what I loved in college and we were having so much fun, I think I just went back in my mind to college days.” I didn’t mention that anything Melanie had picked up looking at thoughtfully, I picked up immediately and purchased after trying it on.
Melanie pulled her eyebrows together in a frown and nodded her head. “Hmph, interesting.”
All I could do was look down. Pathetic, that’s what I am, pathetic. Tears began to fill my eyes. I couldn’t even make a choice on food and for clothes, I had to go back to “good times” and choose items my friend had looked at. What did I do the past two years?
Immediately a hand was on my menu in order to divert my attention back up to Melanie. “Hey, go in between – something light, but still something you would always want to eat. We’ll just take this slow, alright?”
I smiled and nodded. She was right. There was no sense in beating myself up about this. It had only been one day out of HIS control and this was my first step back in getting it back…ME...my control. Looking over the menu, I decided on a turkey sandwich on wheat WITH mayonnaise. There. I could do this.
The waitress came over to take our order. Oddly, I waited for Melanie to order for me, like HE had always done, but then realized that’s not how normal people do things. I looked at the waitress with trepidation and stated, “I’d like the turkey sandwich on wheat with mayo.”
She asked “Okay, with cheese?” My eyes widened and Melanie looked up from her menu, as the waitress waited. Cheese? Do I want cheese?
“YES!” I shouted a bit too loudly. “Yes I want cheese.”
Slowly the waitress asked, as if I were a mental patient, “American or Swiss?” Oh God, are you kidding me?
“Umm, Swiss!” I blurted out.
The waitress then asked slowly again, “Do you want fries with that or fruit?”
I took a deep breath. “Fruit, yes, fruit is what I want with that. No fries. Just fruit.”
The waitress then turned to Melanie with a hopeful eye that she could order with less drama. “And what would you like to order?”
Looking at me, Melanie smiled and said, “I’ll have the same, please.”
After the waitress left (I’m sure she was going back to the others telling them about the mental case at our table), I asked Melanie, “So, we know what I’ve been doing for the past two years. What’s happened with you? What have I missed?”
Melanie took a deep breath and began to tell me that after I left, she flitted from job to job before finally finding her current job at the art gallery. She had moved in with Allen, her boyfriend from college, but they constantly argued. She met Flynn when he came in with his Dad to look at art work to help a client out. They hit it off immediately, slight flirtation, but nothing ever really came of it. I got the feeling she wished there were more, but I didn’t ask. I’m sure I’ll find out more as time goes by. Clark was already his roommate, but offered one of the other bedrooms for her to move in after she and Allen finally broke up. She noted how Clark always tried to sleep with her too, but knew he was just trouble.
I asked about her parents. They had always been so good to me and I loved going to their house for school breaks, especially Christmas. She lowered her head. “They….” she paused and then continued with tears in her eyes, “they, um, they were killed in a car accident.”
“Oh my God!” I was shocked. “When? How? Why didn’t you….” I trailed off, both of us knowing I was going to ask her why she didn’t contact me, but that was obvious. Tears filled my eyes as I had loved them so much. “I’m so, so very sorry Melanie. I’m so sorry.” Whether I was apologizing for them being taken from her or for me not being there…it was both really. How could I have not been there for her for such a horrendous, dark time in her life?
“Umm, it…it was about six months after you left. I received a phone call from my uncle. He told me it happened instantly during a snow storm. They slid off the road and down an embankment. The car was totaled. I…” she stuttered, her eyes brimmed with tears. “I contacted HIM and asked to speak with you. HE said HE would tell you, but I never got a call back. Now I know, seeing how shocked you are, it wasn’t because you didn’t want to talk to me.”
“NO!” I practically shouted. “I would have come to you immediately. I had no idea! I can’t believe HE kept that from me.” HE was even worse than I thought. “I’m so very, very sorry. Please know I would have come to you immediately,” I repeated. And HE knew that. That’s why HE didn’t tell me. Because HE knew I would have left to rush to her side. We were now both orphans, although she has fond memories of her parents, while mine are full of bad ones. I jumped up from my seat to give her a huge, much needed hug.
“I know, I know you would have.” She stated sadly, as she hugged me back and wiped her tears. “I, at least had my aunts and uncles. Something I know you didn’t have when your Mom died.” I sat back down in my seat across from her.
Shaking her head, clearing her throat and wiping her eyes at the same time, she decided to change the subject. “I, um, now I know and realize how controlling HE really was. Do you think HE will come back after you? And… if so, will you go back to him?” She took a deep breath and stated, “I can’t lose you again. You are as close to a sister as I’ll ever have.”
“No.” I affirmed insistently and with determination. “No, you will never lose me again. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you and now that I know HE kept something so important from me, I’ll never go back to HIM. Ever.” I was pretty sure I wasn’t going back to HIM to begin with, but this seemed to seal it. “I’m not sure if HE will even try to come after me.”
“What made you leave?” Melanie asked still wiping her tears.
How do I say this without telling her too much about the life I lead? I looked away and closed my eyes remembering the look on HIS face just a couple days ago. HE seemed almost delighted about what happened. I ran to my room on the other side of the penthouse and locked my door. Disgusted, as well as horrified, I had gotten sick immediately after. I had heard words exchanged and the front door shut. HE had knocked on my door and asked to come in. But I didn’t let HIM in and I said nothing. Wondering what the punishment would be for that, I resolved that nothing could be worse than what HE had done. HE knocked again, this time demanded I open the door, but again, I refrained. HE then told me through the closed door HE would speak to me at dinner the next night. Then, nothing. I had cried the entire night and heard HIM when HE left for work the next morning. That’s when I left. I felt there was nothing more to say. What do I say to Melanie? I want to be honest, but I felt so ashamed.
Melanie broke the silence and must have sensed how hard it was for me to explain. “It’s okay, I get it…you’ll tell me in your own time.” How could she be so forgiving and so patient? I wanted to at least give her some sort of information about why I just emailed her out of the blue after so long.
Starting slowly, “I actually had thought about leaving for a while now. That last night…I…HE…” I stuttered as I searched for the right words. “Umm…HE basically forced my hand that last night.” I started to try to explain more, but Melanie spoke up.