Protected (Book 1 in the Ariya Adams trilogy) (17 page)

“I don’t know why I just have such horrible taste in men
, you know? Every time I get involved with someone, it ends poorly. I’m a magnet for the disasters of dating.” I smiled, thinking of how this would be the umpteenth disaster of dating I’d been through.

“Oh I know Ariya, trust me. Every story you tell me makes me want to shake you and just…” He trailed off
, distracted by his thought.

“And just what Riley
– make me see I’m a stupid girl?” I laughed, but Riley had gotten serious. His serious turn in the conversation alarmed me, because I wasn’t sure where he was going with it.

“Come on, let’s get you inside
, and filled up before I send you on your way.”

The seriousness faded and he threw his arm around my shoulders
, back to his joking self. He left it there all the way back to his place and I didn’t mind. Riley could always comfort me.

We wa
lked in and he got me a beer. Pointing to the counter, he told me to sit while he started cooking. He was so graceful to watch moving around the kitchen. When he concentrated, he got a little crinkle above his right eye that Caroline and I tended to tease him about and tried to impersonate.

“
You’re staring,” he said smiling, but not looking up from his work.

“I had to study the crinkle to figure out why C
aroline and I can’t get it down,” I said, kicking my leg out at him. Riley turned swiftly and grabbed my leg before I could actually land the kick on him.

He was facing me,
standing right in front of me, and instead of letting go of my leg, he moved his hand up towards my knee. As he got closer to me, I was reminded of the beach. Riley always smelled like the beach. I think it was his cologne. It was a calming and comforting scent. I was waiting for him to say something funny, but the look on his face was one I couldn’t remember ever seeing on him before.

“You know, there’s something I’ve always wondered about.”

“Oh, and what’s that?” I asked it sarcastically, but he didn’t back away after coming up close to me.

I looked into his green eyes that were always so captivating. He really was extremely attractive.
This was starting to get intimate, and part of me wanted to stop, but the other part loved the attention.
What is wrong with you, Ariya?

He brushed my hair behind my ear and slowly leaned in and kissed me. His kiss was soft. He didn’t pull me closer or try to be more forceful with me. It wasn’t the passionate kiss I had shared with James
, but it wasn’t horrible, either. It was soft and warm. Just as I had thought he was earlier.

When I didn’t pull away immediately
, he wrapped his arm behind me and slid my body off the counter easily. He stopped the momentum from having me fall quickly with his body and it caused me to shiver as I slowly slid down the length of him. He didn’t break the kiss the entire time.
Oh my gosh! Stop, Ariya!
I screamed at myself internally. I had to stop this. As I pulled away, my mind begged him not to have hurt feelings. I didn’t know how to react to his kiss. I certainly had not been expecting this turn of events.

“Riley, I…” I what? I was caught off guard and had no id
ea what I wanted to say to him.

“I have a lot going on right now
, and you’re my best friend and I don’t want to ruin anything and…” Words were pouring out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop talking. “You know I wasn’t expecting this…”

Why did he have to kiss me now? We were just friends. I needed him as my friend right now. He was supposed to be my normal, the rock to pull me back to the reality I so desperately wanted to cling to.

“Ariya, why do you always call me? When you’re sad or when something is wrong, you call me. You say I’m your best friend. I’m always there for you. I don’t think you think I’m unattractive. We have fun together. How could you be so surprised that I would think something could be here?”

He still hadn’t backed away from me and I noticed that I hadn’t backed away
, either. My body was betraying what I was saying to him. What was wrong with me? I pushed away out of his embrace completely, trying to make it clear that this was something I couldn’t do.

“Riley
, I told you. There is a lot going on for me right now and I need what we have now. I need your friendship the way I’ve had for the last three years.”

“Well
, I don’t want to be friends. I’m in love with you, Ariya.” My eyes instantly got wide.

Oh no.
Caroline was right. My heart sank. I wanted him to take it back. That could happen, right? We could go back if it was quick enough, and it would be like it had never been said. This couldn’t be playing out like this right now. Of all the timing flaws, why did everything have to come crashing down around me now?

“No you aren’t
, Riley, you just need a girl you can focus on. That’s all it is. Don’t be silly.”

“
Don’t act like I can’t figure out my own feelings, Ariya. I’ve been in love with you since freshman year. I thought I’d be a gentleman and be patient with you and let you see our friendship grow into something more, but you aren’t getting it. I don’t want to date anyone else. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I want to be with you. What could possibly be so wrong about us trying to be together? I wouldn’t treat you like these other guys you seem to fall so hard and fast for.”

Part of me knew he was right because it was a thought I’d had myself just moments ago. I wasn’t ready for that
, though. I wasn’t in the right place and I hadn’t thought of anything between us like that until this year. Oh, this stupid year! Why was everything happening all at once like this?

“I can’t. Riley, I’m sorry, I just can’t.” First James says it to me and
now I was saying it to Riley.

This must be what James feels for me
,
I thought. He thinks I’m wonderful, but he isn’t in love with me. It was the same way I felt about Riley. I wanted to feel something for him. It would be perfect to just tell him he was right. If I were smart, I would have feelings for him.

He was
, after all, the person I had turned to for years, besides Caroline. I let guys who didn’t deserve me come along, and I fell hard and fast, just like he said. Here was a guy who had never come close to letting me down in all the time I had known him. Maybe he was right. I needed him. What if this was the only way to have him? It’s not like I didn't love him. For heaven’s sake, many relationships were based on much less than solid foundations like friendship, honesty, and trust. Heck, I’d probably even fall for him if we did decide to do this. What’s not to love about him?

I immediately stopped myself from the train of thought I was on. I was vulnerable. Anything I did with Riley
, I’d be thinking of James, and that wasn’t fair. Who knows what I’d feel once I got over James, but for now, I wouldn’t use Riley, and I just couldn’t bear hurting him. If something was ever going to happen, it had to be because we both truly were in a good enough place. I was too overwhelmed with my feelings for James and everything else happening in my life, so now was definitely not a time to open up and try something with Riley.

More importantly, he would be in danger around me with Devon on the loose. That was a risk that I couldn’t take. The look in his eyes was starti
ng to show pain. I wanted so badly to be able to take it away. I hated hurting him.

“I’m not in a place to try this
, Riley. I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“I can’t be your friend then, not right now
, at least. I need some distance, Ariya. It’s always been you for me. I’ve been on dates that I’ve left early to come take care of you or make you feel special. I can’t keep doing that if there isn’t a future here. I deserve to find someone who will love me back.” The pain in his voice was evident, which made the inside of me feel like it was crumbling.

It didn’t matter what I had said as long as the answer was no
, he was going to be hurting. The tears pooling in my eyes released themselves and it took everything in me not to flat out sob.

“I know.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but please don’t stop being my friend. I need you. I know it’s selfish. Please don’t say we can’t be friends.” I hadn’t gone a minute of college without his support, and now I needed him more than ever before.

“I need you to need me as more than a friend though
, Ariya. Who knows, maybe you’ll realize how great we’d be together if we had some space.”

I couldn’t take it. Riley was always the person I went to
, and he needed space from me. He needed a break from me. I had been hurting him this whole time without even realizing it. I had to step back and see that it was the only fair thing to do. I could handle whatever came on my own for now. We’d be friends again, and I would give him the space he needed.

“Okay,” I nodded. “Okay, Riley.” I walked up to him, kissed his cheek, and started to head out of his house. He grabbed my arm gently.

“Ariya, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s not forever. I just need some time right now.”

He brought his thumb up to my face to try to wipe the tears away
. “I don’t want to make you cry,” he whispered.

I smiled through the tears, “
It’s okay, Riley. I understand.”

I turned away and left my best friend in his kitchen as I headed back to my apartment.
Back to the unbelievable. Further away from reality.

It had been a week since I found out about vampires and since Riley told me he needed space. James was completely distant. After our fight, I knew that I shouldn’t bring up anything romantic, but now we weren’t even speaking. I thought we had started as friends at least and would go back to being that, but now we were strangers.

Courage came to me before class one day. I had been wallowing and it was wearing me out. Being weak wasn’t really some
thing that was enjoyable to me.

"You're so different now,
” I said, leaning over to him.

His expression showed just how surprised he was that I was speaking. Geez, had I been that bad
while giving them the silent treatment?
Yes,
I thought to myself.
Yes, I had
.

“Why did you even bother trying to be my friend this
year if you were just going to turn it off at some point?" Being friends wasn't exactly the most recent development, but it was all I could manage covering at this point.

"This is how it should
always have been. You weren’t supposed to know I even existed, Ariya." His voice was stern, which caused me to instinctively lean away from him out of shock.

"Whose fault is it that I know you do exist? You’re in class next to me
, James! I didn’t follow you in here. That's my point," I said more softly now. "You decided to bust into my life and now you're just going to waltz right out. It may not matter to you, but I don't like losing people."

It was a pathetic lie compared to how I really felt. I felt like there was suddenly
 a hole somewhere inside me. A hole James left, one Riley left, one they all left in me when they decided to bring me into this world, but still leave out details that could help me. 

"I misjudged the situation
, Ariya. It is my fault entirely. You’re right. I’m so, so sorry. However, this is for the best. You'll see that soon." He reached out to take my hand, but I pulled it back.

He couldn't touch me. I
t would be too much. I went back to leaning the opposite way in my chair.
All right, Ariya,
I thought to myself,
enough now.
It’s time to get over this ridiculous obsession.

At
that moment, I decided that I did not want to know any more about vampires and whatever world Caroline, Nick, and James were living in. I’m sure they could care less that I had stopped asking questions, anyway, seeing as they didn’t want to tell me any more about what was going on. I had been walking around like a zombie.
Oh man, did they exist, too?

Caroline was worried about me. I could tell. When I had come home from Riley’s
, it was easy to see I had been crying. At first she probably thought it was about James, since I hadn’t told them where I was going. Someone had probably followed me, but no one said a word about my running out. But, then when she asked if I wanted to go with her to Riley’s this weekend, I burst into tears and told her what had happened.

“I don’t know why I’m crying so much.
Once yes, we know I’m emotional, but I can’t stop. I’m extremely sad or extremely angry all the time and I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me.”

Ca
roline rubbed my back. “You’ve had a lot come at you lately. Just try to relax. Knowing we’re vampires hasn’t changed everything, right? I’m still here. You can talk to me.” She was trying so hard. I just nodded.

She was wrong about one thing
, though. It had changed everything. Classes with James that week had been torture. He still sat next to me, but it was in utter silence. Not once did he glance my way. He was just there. The pain in my broken heart was constant. I had finally let someone in, and I got slapped in the face for it.

I had tried to ask Caroline why he didn’t leave
, but she said something off the wall and then changed the subject. They weren’t going to tell me anything, and apparently, James being here had something to do with this other secret I wasn’t being let in on.

The next week James was behind me as I was heading out of my Human Intimacy class. He may not be talking to me, but I could feel his presence. I should probably head to our group lunch. I had avoided it since Riley and I had our falling out. I had avoided almost everything with everyone. I needed to stop acting like this. It was pathetic and radically unlike me. My sensitivities had taken over, and as much as I didn’t want to admit anything beyond a feeling of friendship with Riley, it did feel strange.

How could I possibly have feelings for two guys? I wasn’t in love with Riley like I was with James, that I knew. But Riley wouldn
’t hurt me and I did love him. I didn’t want to lose him. I kept trying to figure out if my feelings for Riley stemmed from thinking I either had to be with him or lose him, or if it was possibly more. I was so focused on the feeling James was giving me, and my Riley versus James internal battle, that I didn’t look where I was going. I slammed into someone and stammered an apology.

It was Riley.

My face turned red. I could feel the color change. I stepped back, desperately trying to get rid of the blush on my face. Then I noticed he wasn’t alone. There was a girl with him. My blush deepened, but my stomach also decided to knot up. Who was she? So much for him being in love with me.

“Hey, Ariya.”
He smiled a small smile and I nodded. I felt someone come up next to me and noticed it was James.

“Riley,” he nodded.

They were cold towards each other. What was that about? And, what was James doing, butting in like this? The norm now was for him to ignore me.

“This is Helen,” h
e said, finally introducing us to the girl he was with.

Hele
n was beautiful. She had a girl-next-door look about her. Her smile was genuine. Her beautiful, shiny, black hair hung just below her petite-framed shoulders. A twinge of jealousy surged through me.

I tried to smile
, but my heart ached. Riley was with someone else already and perfectly fine with not even being friends. Clearly, I had been the only one agonizing over this. There I was thinking he was suffering, too. Did I want him to be having a tougher time?
Geez, Ariya some friend you are.

I
had never felt like that before. Of course I didn’t want him torn up! I wanted him to move on so we could be friends again. What was wrong with me? Why was I letting bitterness eat away at me?

“Sorry, I’m late for
… something. Nice to meet you, Helen.” I turned and shuffled away from the awkward situation as quickly as possible.

Helen
probably thought I was crazy, not a great first impression. I sensed James again, and then he was directly in front of me.

“Are you a
ll right?”

I glared at him. “No, but it doesn’t concern you
, James.”

“I’m sorry about Riley. I heard you tell Caroline what happened.”

“It’s none of your business what happened,” I snapped, a bit too cruelly.

I wasn’t in control anymore. I needed to get home. Caroline would be able to calm me down. I needed to regain control
. I hated feeing like I wasn’t in charge of my own body.

I childishly
stomped back to the apartment to find Caroline. I knew this was a time when I could turn to her for comfort, and maybe I needed to. She was still my best friend, after all. I pushed through the door and found her sitting on the couch with Nick.

“Can I talk to you?” I asked.

She bounced off the couch faster than normal and said, “Of course.”

I smiled and walked to my room, threw my bag in a corner, and cr
awled into bed. She hopped in beside me, rubbing my back as tears rushed out of me. I started talking to her about everything. What I was feeling, my conversation with James, my day with Riley, meeting Helen. Everything that I had kept in and been dwelling on for two weeks came pouring out. I kept crying. I didn’t want to stop, even if I could have. Sometimes a good cry is cleansing, but this was like a poison that I wanted to get out of my system. Caroline was quiet the whole time, and I realized I had just needed to get it all out.

As soon as I was done
, the tears slowed down and I felt better. I sat up, knowing there was one more person I needed to hear from that could make this better. My mom. I thanked Caroline and told her I was going to make a phone call, and then come spend some time with her. She got up and left, closing the door behind her.

I called my m
om to check in. She always had such great advice, and now, more than ever, I missed my parents. I missed my family.

“Hey, Mommy!”
I said.

“Hey
, Boo-Boo! What’s going on with you? Where have my phone calls home been? What are you, some busy college senior or something?” she reprimanded me playfully.

“I’m sorry
. I’ve had so much going on, you know, senior year and all.” I started crying again.

It was comforting to hear her voice. They weren’t sad tears
, they were just overwhelmed tears. I couldn’t wait for the day I would be able to get a grip again.

She started chuckling. “Oh my baby
, you sound just like I did my senior year. I was so emotional about every little thing.”

“Well
, at least it’s normal. I feel like it just doesn’t stop.”

“It
does once the stress goes away. I was sleeping poorly, crying, I was a mess.”

“Really?
I thought something was wrong with me. Caroline said it is probably stress.”

It shouldn’t have made me happy that she
’d had a hard time, but the fact that I might not be as crazy as I thought made me more than a little happy, it made me ecstatic.

“S
he’s right. My whole senior year I had that. I was up and down, extra sad, and super happy. I got angry with people I cared about. It’s a big change you’re about to go through, sweetheart. Feeling out of control is normal, at least for women in this family. You’re going to be applying for jobs soon and starting your new life. It’s exciting, but I think the perfectionist side of my personality I passed on to you is making you crazy at the same time.”

My m
om had gone through what I was going through. Well, minus the vampires, but still. At least something was starting to make sense. We talked more and as we talked, I calmed down. I felt more in control. I told her about Riley.

“I had a feeling he liked you. Guys just don’t act that way
, in my experience at least. He was always around for you. Give him time. He’ll cool off. He’ll get over this and move on. Don’t be hard on him for having someone else. He is trying to get over you, which I know can’t be easy.” She was smiling, I could tell. “You don’t want to be with him, though? What about James? You said things were maybe starting to take off there last time we talked.”

“No, James is out of the picture. I don’t really know what happened there.” It was just a little white lie. It’s not like I could say
, ‘Hey, Mom, he’s a vampire.’ “And I don’t want to be with Riley. Especially not now. I’d be scared I’d be using him to feel better about James, and that’s not fair.”

“Well
, James just isn’t good enough for my baby then. You’re doing the right thing, it sounds like, with Riley. The fact that you care about him enough to protect his feelings shows how deep your feelings are for him. Whatever happens, you’re going to be fine, Ariya. You’re going through everything I went through and my mother went through before me, at least that’s what Grandpa told me when I went through it. It’s in our blood to care so much and to have these emotions. And, don’t you dare write Riley off completely. I don’t know this James guy, but I do know Riley. He would be quite the catch.”

“
Yeah, yeah.” I was smiling again. “I love you, Mom.”

“Love you
, hunnie.”

I hung up
, feeling better than I had in awhile. At least something that was happening made sense now. This one thing from the past semester could be crossed of my list of confusion. The emotional plagues constantly washing over me were genetic and would go away. Things were finally looking up.

I walked out of my room and saw Caroline was writing so
me things down in the kitchen. Taking inventory of something? Poor Caroline. She had been trying with me. She wanted me to feel okay with everything and I had been selfish when she was reaching out, just trying to help. She was my best friend, and if there was a reason to not tell me something, it had to be good. She kept the vampire thing from me because she said she was protecting me, and I was sure that’s what she was doing now.

“Hey,
” I said and walked up behind her to give her a hug.

“Hi.” She looked up
, surprised.

“I’m sorry
, Care. I have been a real wretch lately. I have just been caught up in how I’m feeling, how this is affecting me, and I haven’t been thinking of how it has affected you. I want to know everything not because I feel like I deserve to know. I want to know because I don’t like the idea of you all being involved in something to help me that has you all putting yourselves in danger. In my mind, I see things from the sense that if I knew what was going on, I could help. So when you didn’t tell me, I thought you guys were just being stupid and overprotective for no reason, but maybe you do have your reasons. And, if your reasons are good enough to feel you can’t tell me something, then I should trust that that’s the best thing for me right now. I do trust you and I’m so, so sorry for treating you otherwise.”