And this was it, wasn't it? Adrienne looked at her bluntly. "You're in my territory now."
"That's what really bothers you, isn't it?"
Adrienne sat still for a moment, then nodded.
Sarah cocked one corner of her mouth, like a disgruntled teenager. "You have a problem with sharing sometimes."
It should have stung. Another time it might have, but not now. Because it felt justified? "It's an occupational hazard."
Sarah took the wine bottle, rolled it between flattened palms for contemplative moments. "Answer me one thing: What do you think I'm going to
do
to Clay, or anyone else?"
"Do?" Adrienne blinked. "I'm not sure I follow — "
"Yes you do. What effect do you think I'm going to have on the reason you're here?"
Adrienne tried to answer, found she could not. This had cut the legs from beneath her. With Clay's friends — or whatever they were to him — she wasn't even sure she should remain in contact. They had met and she had learned what they were like and perhaps that should be enough, although to be honest, a couple of them, Nina and Twitch, she had rather liked.
She pictured Sarah with them, all of them, plus any other peripheral folks who drifted along. Anthropologically speaking, fieldwork involved living with a group for a time and assimilating a part of them. She wasn't so sure she liked the tone of what Sarah would be taking in.
Based on what she had seen the other night, they were bitter and spiteful, they had no direction in their lives, and when they weren't staring morosely at the world at large, they were picking at one another. Well, sometimes you had to make a conscious effort to see the light of day, and it really was worth the effort; tell yourself,
Get on with it,
that the world didn't end for you unless you let it happen. Adrienne knew that, as a professional, she wasn't supposed to react to others judgmentally, but sometimes you still just felt like slapping someone.
And this was the emotional environment that Sarah would be assimilating? Adrienne could see nothing constructive coming of this —
And she realized how ridiculous that sounded. As if she were turning into her own mother, anybody's mother, circa the teen years:
I don't like those friends of yours, they're a bad influence.
So what did that leave her with, simple jealousy?
"We take the same kind of oath, you know," Sarah told her. "You're not an M.D. but that doesn't matter. Do no harm.' That applies to you, too. From my end, it's 'Never endanger the informant.' And we wouldn't be working at cross-purposes. I might even be of help to you. I come at things from a different perspective. So I might see something that you miss."
Adrienne nodded.
I'm the only one here who came to make an impact. She didn't…
She came to be impacted.
"I'll leave this up to you," Sarah said. "If you say no, I'll live with that."
Adrienne straightened, sharply. "Don't do this to me. I don't make your decisions for you and I'm not starting with this one."
Sarah took a long, slow drink of the wine. Reached over to retrieve her down vest from where she had dropped it on the floor, held it on her lap. Was it as manipulative a gesture as it felt? So subtle, so damnably subtle. In the moment Adrienne felt lost, helpless, imagining how Sarah must have been with her father ten, fifteen years ago. Twisting him around her finger as teenage girls are wont to do. She might have gotten anything.
"What are we going to do, Adrienne?" she asked.
"Stay," was all that finally rose to her lips, as she pulled the vest from Sarah's lap, hands, intentions. "Stay."
Keeping his appointments with Adrienne, Clay began to see, was a matter of faith, faith that something good would come of them. It had become more binding here than during his tenure on Ward Five, when he had nothing else to do. Now he actually had to extend an effort.
He liked the condo better than the hotel. The hotel hadn't worked for him at all, if only for a single session, but what a bust that session had been. Sitting in chairs by the window, the round table dragged aside so that it would be no barrier between them, but that hadn't helped. He'd sat there for most of the time as if a cork were in his brain, and had left with a headache as bad as the pain after he'd smashed his forehead with the cast.
He found he could relax at Adrienne's condo, maybe a quarter of the living room given to a desk and a pair of chairs and a love seat. If he did not let his eyes stray too far he could sustain the illusion it was an actual office. She had obviously gone to some trouble for him.
What he had not counted on, though, was seeing her lover up here. Sarah. An unexpected delight, that. She had to know what he was and what was wrong with him — doctors weren't supposed to talk but he never believed they didn’t — yet not once could he catch her looking at him as if he belonged in a sideshow. She headed out the door after a couple minutes and he almost told them there was no need, but stopped. Adrienne did not seem that loose about it all; had to maintain protocol, if nothing else.
They had exchanged the couch for a love seat, but the routine was familiar by now: his back to the wall, following where thought and memory and psychic wreckage led. There were times he regarded his head as a jar, Adrienne's occasional questions and prompts just more swipes of a kitchen knife to make sure he was scraped out as clean as possible.
Will there ever be an end to this?
he wondered, and of course there would be, but when
would
they have enough? He had to admit he felt better since having someone to unload on, to talk with and not just be talked at, but this remission would surely last no longer than the treatment itself. Still, the thought of turning it into a lifetime habit would be enough to make him opt for Erin's joke.
You look like they gave you a lobotomy,
she had laughed when seeing the stitches across his brow. Assuming he lived to fifty, he could not picture himself in this same pose, week after week.
Go ahead,
he would have to tell them at some point, while tapping his frontal lobe.
Drill here, make it messy.
There
would
come an end. Adrienne would someday return home. Maybe she would be the one to decide enough was enough. Or maybe those footing the bills would seal the purse and leave her with no choice. And then? Adrift again and perhaps no better than before, the inside of his head spread thin for everyone's benefit but his own. Perhaps someone, somewhere, waiting for the pressures to again mount within him, watching from afar for his greatest explosion, so they might nod and concur,
Yes, we all feared it would happen someday but we could not hold him. Let us learn from this tragic mistake.
So maybe it really was best to try while he had the chance.
I am what my birth made me but isn’t there some way to rise above it? There should be. There
must
be.
"Let me ask you something," he said, far into the session. "Do you think people are inherently good or bad?"
Adrienne shifted to one side in her chair. "Always asking the easy questions, aren't you?"
He shrugged:
Sorry, just being myself.
She now knew better than to try ducking these questions, or turning them around back onto him; he had conditioned her well; he could be relentless in pursuing where she stood on matters.
Clay watched as she formulated her answer — the soft tilts of her head, the interplay between hand and ear. Away from the hospital she was no longer wearing her hair pinned back. Good for her; it made her look so much less prim. She now looked like a Nordic athlete.
"No, I don't," she said. "I believe there's a capacity in everyone to fulfill a certain potential. But whether or not they reach it, and how it emerges — say, whether it's constructive or destructive — depends largely on the experiences they've had, and there you get into so many cultural and environmental factors that it's impossible to even list them all. But then, in most people those experiences are an ongoing process, so I certainly don't believe they're locked in."
"So life experience, this overrides biology."
"In my book it usually can."
"So you think I can save myself." He knew what was coming —
"What do you think?"
Nailed it. "I believe
you
think so."
"You know what I meant."
Clay nodded:
Yeah, just sparring with you.
"You're probably right. I suppose I do believe in the power of the individual. But we're not left alone, we don't live in vacuums. I've tried and it doesn't work. Other people always want in, even if they have to force themselves in. So that negates the power of the individual. I think it's mostly in a collective sense that we're failures. Like a chain being only as strong as its weakest link. The same thing applies to a society. It's no better, no stronger, than its lowest offenders."
"That discounts a lot of good that people do for others," said Adrienne, and he thought she was probably picturing Mother Teresa right now. She
would
.
"That doesn't discount it, that just puts it in a context of being hopeless, more or less. It's individuals that do good, but individuals die. It's societies that chew everything up, and they keep right on going until there's nothing left." He took a deep breath. "I think the world's been shaking itself down for a long time, trying to bottom out toward a lowest common denominator…
"But that's just one weak link's opinion. Got any coffee?"
And they went on for another forty minutes or so, until Clay at last decided he was talked out for one afternoon, then realized they had been at this for more than an hour and a half.
On the way to the door he asked if she and Sarah had plans for the following night, confident they would not. Who else would they know here, who else had they had
time
to know? Adrienne asked why before she answered.
"Thought you might like to head over to Graham's awhile," he said. "You told him you'd like to see his work. Sarah would like it, probably."
"I'll ask her."
"She'll say yes," Clay said, so sure of himself that he didn’t look at her when detouring into the kitchen to grab a notepad by the phone and write directions.
*
He did not even attempt to show his paintings — that was the thing Clay never understood about Graham. Content to let them be seen only by close acquaintances, and the occasional stranger who had heard of them and wore him down through persistence, Graham consigned them to the walls of his basement apartment and studio. They hung alone, bleak portals made even more so by the absence of frames, somehow more naked and raw that way, and so far as Clay knew, none of them had a name.
"I don't see why you shouldn’t," Clay had once said about Graham's reticence to exhibit. "People go for H.R. Giger, they should go for yours."
Graham had shaken his head, so appalled at the idea that he had to light a cigarette to put himself right again. "It's not a question of acceptance. Galleries expect you to stand around that first night and make putrid small talk to people who'd cross the street to avoid you any other time. No, I
don't
think so."
"Like that would stop you from walking out if you felt like it," Clay had said, knowing this was just one more excuse. Graham had so many they should be numbered. "Anyway, I've figured out what the plan is. You're going to wait until you die early and they'll find everything and you'll become this cult celebrity."
Graham's face had lifted with a Mona Lisa smile, aloof and knowing; here's to life and untimely death and skyrocketing market values. "It
would
be a hilarious inside joke, wouldn't it?"
Clay had agreed. It was only the young and talented who became gods after their deaths. The mediocre were even more completely forgotten, and the old went on to just rewards. Only the young seeded debates of speculation, what might have been.
At the time he had been jealous, thinking,
I'll die and there won't be a thing left behind, not one lasting bit of graffiti I scrawled on this world to say I passed through.
Now he knew he’d been wrong. At least geneticists would know his name. He wondered if they would store his brain in a jar, or keep even more of him around, like the skeleton of Truganini, last of the extinct Tasmanians, displayed for the generations to follow.
Better living through the study of mutants
could be their motto.