Punkzilla (15 page)

The waitress came over and asked if I was sure I could pay for my food and she was holding it in front of me like I was a dog or something. I pulled my money out of my sock and put it right on the table and stared at her and she said “You know I’m gonna have to put rubber gloves on to take that from you” and I said “So do it.” I really said that too P like I commanded it. I even felt my chest flexing and it felt good like I was a black belt in kung fu. She walked away from me muttering something under her breath.

When I was putting the money back in my sock this man came up to me and told me he loved my shoes. He was like “Cool shoes. I love New Balance.” He had black curly hair with little slits for eyes and he had this weird half smile on his face like someone punched him when he was laughing and it got stuck that way. He asked me what I was doing and I said I was chilling and then he asked me if I was a model. I swear P he said “Are you a model?” and I said “No why?” and he went “You could be is all. You have that look.”

I couldn’t tell how old he was because he had one of those chubby faces and his lips were so small it was like they were drawn on with a pencil. Then he offered me a hundred bucks to go have my picture taken in his studio. He said “I’m a legit photographer I swear” and then he showed me a card with a website on it. It didn’t have his name on it just the website.

I asked him if his studio was east or west of the restaurant and he said it was about thirty minutes east so I paid the check and got into his car with him and we drove east to some little town.

We didn’t talk much in the car and he kept smiling his weird half smile. P I know when you read this you’ll probably be like “J what the hell are you doing getting into a car with that weirdo!” but he seemed more normal than I’m making him out to be P he really did.

At one point I said “So are you like a professional photographer or something?” and he said he was trying to be and that him and his wife were starting up a portrait business and how they needed some samples to hang in their shop.

His studio was in the back of a locksmith’s and when we walked in this big fat Chinese woman who was sitting behind a counter waved at him and he waved back and told me she was his wife and I said “Hey” to her and she waved at me too but she didn’t say anything which made me think she was either deaf or couldn’t speak English. The other weird thing about her was that she had this tube attached to her nose like some sort of medical tube but I couldn’t see what it was connected to.

The smiling man led me to a back room which had this big gray backdrop thing and some pretty nice-looking camera equipment like the kind of stuff you could sell on eBay.

When he was setting up his camera he asked me my name and I told him it was Cesar and I’m sure the guy who etched it into the window at The Country Kitchen would be pissed if he knew I was pretending to be him without his permission. Then I asked him his name and he said it was Will Patterson and then he put this terrible music on and started taking pictures. I asked who it was and he said “Hootie and the Blowfish. You like it?” I said “Sure” even though I was lying. Then he said “Hootie’s the best. Hootie and Counting Crows. I can’t get enough of them either.” He had to stop for a second and adjust this big light but he went right back to his camera and kept shooting.

He said “You’re doing great Cesar just great.”

I thought he was going to get all pervy and ask me to take my shirt off or make me like open my mouth so he could throw a grape in it or squirt water on me but all he did was ask me to hold a toy train engine. First I sat on a stool with the train in my lap and then I stood with the train and then I sat Indian-style on the floor with the train in my lap again. Once he put the train on the stool and adjusted my chin but that’s the only time he touched me.

At one point he had to change film and that’s when I put the rubber Halloween mask on. I sneaked it out of the book bag when he wasn’t looking and then he looked up. He just stood there staring at me and I said “Go ahead. Take my picture” and he totally did it P I shit you not! In fact I think he took like FOURTEEN pictures because I counted. Eventually I took the mask off because I was getting mad hot and he never even asked me about it.

At the end of the shoot he really did give me a hundred bucks. They were all twenties and when we were about to get back in his car I asked him if he could drive me east instead of back to The Country Kitchen and he asked how far and I said whatever he could do and he was like “Okay. East then.”

On the radio there was a commercial about herpes medication and then one about the Christian Church of the Fellowship and then one about Goodyear radial tires. His car smelled like foot odor and coleslaw and I hadn’t noticed this when he drove me to the locksmith’s.

On his steering wheel was a leather cover that had “Rich” on it. I said “I thought your name was Will” and he said it was Will and then I asked him why it said Rich on his steering wheel and he said “That’s not a name that’s a goal.”

He wound up driving me about thirty more miles east and dropped me off at a rest stop on Interstate 80 somewhere near this place called Ogallala. We shook hands like we were old friends even though I knew that was bullshit but I was genuinely amped about the cash he paid me.

Before he got back in his car he told me I was a great model and I had this urge to ask him why his wife had those tubes in her nose but I didn’t. For some reason I can’t get that out of my head P.

When his car pulled out of the rest stop I felt like I had escaped something terrible. I guess Will could have done all sorts of weird shit to me like he could have even murdered me and cut me up into a thousand pieces and like MAILED them all over the country but all he wanted was to take my picture so he could have some samples for his business. That’s not so bad right? He’s probably a really nice person.

At the rest stop I found an atlas that someone had left on a picnic table and I opened it up to where I was. I had to get all the way across Nebraska and then Iowa and then Illinois and then Kentucky! That’s a lot of states P! I had no idea how big this country is. It’s mad huger than any other country I’m sure. I mean I’ve seen maps in school and I remember thinking Canada was big but I think maybe America is bigger.

The good news is that I have a hundred and forty bucks in my pocket now so if I can get to a train station I can stop hitchhiking and somehow get to Memphis.

So it’s pretty nice at this rest stop. There’s a picnic table in the grass and I’m eating Cape Cod potato chips and drinking a can of Coke. P I have to admit that I just poured my Jim Beam mini into my Coke. There’s nothing like a joke Coke to even the day out. Don’t worry I made sure no cops were around. This van pulled in a few minutes ago and this guy with a Chicago White Sox hat got out and stretched and did some squats next to his van and then got back in and drove away.

So I’ve been getting a little drunk and I’m feeling pretty good P. I’m “tight” as Branson would say. I tried calling you again. I called you collect from the public pay phone but like before it says your phone has been disconnected. I don’t understand that P. Have you already died? Is that how you know when someone dies for sure? The morgue has some special deal with the phone company and they punch in a code and disconnect you?

I’m not going to get too mad at you because you’re sick and there could be a thousand reasons why your phone’s been disconnected.

I’ve been thinking about starting to walk east on Interstate 80. It’s a stupid thought I know because a cop would definitely stop me but I’m on my second joke Coke and I’m liable to do anything.

I think I need to go lie in the grass.

November 6
^th
, 2007

Dear Jamie,

Hi. Thanks for your letter. My mom just got me a new MacBook with the Leopard system, which I like a lot. In fact, I’m writing this very letter to you on it!

I had no idea you had gone away to that school until your brother told me. A military academy sounds like a very intense place. I know your father was in the army so it must run in the family. I’m not sure I could handle military school. I can barely handle regular public school, although I am doing better than I did in eighth grade. After I got in trouble this past summer for partying with those German exchange students I read this book called
Jonathan Livingston Seagull
and it made me really want to change my life. Have you heard of it? You should read it, Jamie, you really should.

I’m very flattered by your invitation to go to the Midwinter Ball but I have to decline because I’m seeing someone and I already promised him that I would be his date to the Snow Ball here in Cincinnati. But the Midwinter Ball sounds fun. I have never been to a military academy formal before and I’m sure having the girls stay on campus for a night must be exciting for the cadets. I can’t imagine going to boarding school. I can barely imagine going away to college at this point.

By the way, I should tell you that the person I started dating is your brother Edward. I know it must be weird for you to hear that because of your invitation and because of the fact that he’s a senior and I’m a freshman, but it’s not as strange as it sounds. He may not have told you because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings, but it’s true. He’s very intense and straightlaced, but I think that’s good for me as I’m not smoking anymore and I’ve given up alcohol and pot, too. And my parents really like him and think he’s impressive.

Anyway, Jamie, I’ve missed seeing you on the block but I’m sure I’ll see you when you get your military holidays. By the way, did you hear that the Fergusons were on the Jay Leno show? They were in the audience and the camera landed right on them. Ben Affleck was Jay’s guest. How lucky are the Fergusons?!

Best of luck at your school and if I can think of anyone who might want to be your date to the Midwinter Ball I’ll let you know.

BUCKNER MILITARY ACADEMY

2700 OLD CEMETERY ROAD

REVERE, MO 63465

OFFICIAL MEMORANDUM

DATE: 24 OCTOBER 2007

TO: CADET RECRUIT WYCKOFF

FROM: THE COMMANDANT’S OFFICE

YOUR PRESENCE IS REQUESTED AT COLONEL STOOPS’ OFFICE TOMORROW, THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2007, AT 1600 HOURS.

PLEASE BE PREPARED TO DISCUSS YOUR RECENT FAILINGS AT MONDAY DRILL.

COLONEL STOOPS HAS REQUESTED THAT YOU BRING YOUR GYM CLOTHES AS WELL AS YOUR M.T.-I TRAINING MANUAL. HE WILL BE PROVIDING A WORLD WAR I WINCHESTER DRILL RIFLE.

September 18
^th
, 2007

Dearest James,

Just a quick note to say hello and that I hope you enjoy the care package. I know your mother isn’t too keen on you eating sweets, but I took the liberty of adding a few things I thought you might enjoy. The brownies are homemade, my own special recipe in fact. And I know your birthday isn’t until mid-March, but I thought I would include a little money to keep in your pocket.

Louisville is enjoying an unseasonably warm fall. The leaves have yet to change but I have faith. The other night I took in a Shakespeare play at Actor’s Theater. I think it was supposed to be
Measure for Measure
but I have no idea what the director and his sub-par cast were trying to communicate. There was a young man in the cast who looked like your brother Peter but that’s about the only joy I left the theater with.

I understand that you will be attending a nondenominational Wednesday chapel service as well as a mass on Sunday mornings at which you will be able to take communion. I hope you will keep your Catholic faith in mind and all that Christ suffered on our behalf.

I very much look forward to seeing you at Thanksgiving again. I plan on driving up with your Aunt Julie in my old jalopy, should it make it to Cincinnati.

Best of luck with everything, James. I love you very much.

March 15
^th
, 2008

Dear P,

So it’s three days later.

P life is really weird really really weird but I’m sure you already know that.

The days and the nights and animals talking to you in your dreams and the way people smell and faces that remind you of other faces and seven-foot giants walking around at the Taco Bell and how many burritos they have to eat to get full and things getting invented in basements and the war still going on in the Middle East and what it must feel like to kill a person and some guy in Venice California jumping over a building on his skateboard and what happens to fish during a tidal wave and how some people are born with huge brown moles on their backs and why can’t I get any pubic hair and who makes up all those tests you have to take where you fill in the little ovals and what did the Native American Indians think when they started building all the highways and some woman giving birth to a goldfish in Florida and how do you wake up one day and decide you want to be an astronaut?

I mean these are serious problems P! Serious serious problems and issues and they make me feel like I’m on meth again even though I am definitely not. Meth is about the last thing I want to be on right now but I do wish I had some of my medication because I’m having trouble focusing P focusing on anything right now is hard so I decided to write you again because it’s the only thing that makes me feel better.

What happened since I last wrote you is this Chrysler LeBaron pulled into the rest stop. It was red with a beige convertible top and the moment I saw it I knew it would be important in my life. Has that ever happened to you P? I’ve heard about how someone will find a dog or see a cloud making some weird shape or discover something random written on a napkin like REMEMBER WHERE YOU LEFT YOUR HEAD and you know it will be like a part of your destiny. That’s sort of what it was like when I saw the LeBaron. It was the first time I’ve ever had that feeling P sort of like when I ice-skated with E for the first time on Duck Lake in Michigan or when I did my first legit headfirst dive off the high dive or my first bong hit in seventh grade with this big tall kid Rabbit Cleveland whose parents were professional hippies and lived half the year in a Winnebago. The LeBaron was sort of like all of that but more intense I shit you not.