Puppet (11 page)

Instantly, wind and metallic sounds swarm in at us and the hectic noise of the train returns.  I grab the edge and pull myself up, seeing ladder rungs along the top of the cart as well. 

I stand in the wind, smiling, watching the cars ahead of me, too many to count, as they twist along the turning railroad track.  I turn around and see an endless string of cars behind us as well and trees on either side of the train.  James crawls up the ladder to stand beside me, our waists level with the hatch, our hips barely touching since the opening is so small. 

“Isn’t it cool?” I shout over the wind as James looks around.  He nods and although I can tell he means it, he’s apprehensive.

I take the apple core in my hand and fling it as hard as I can, watching as it sails into the sky and through the trees behind us.  I step up higher on the ladder, the hatch level with my lower thighs.  “Pen!” James snaps, grabbing my wrist. 

“I’m fine,” I reply, grabbing his hand and pulling him up to my height. He unsteadily steps up beside me.  I look around at the forest whizzing by and put my hands up in the air, mostly just to irk James, and feel the rush of the wind against my skin.  I look over at him and send him an excited look.  Irritated alarm fills his eyes and he reaches out to pull my hands down, placing them around the metal bars on the top of the cart.  I laugh as he begins to descend the ladder, motioning for me to follow, and with one last look around I climb down after James. 

I seal the hatch with a thud and slide down the ladder, jumping to the floor beside James.  “Fun, right?” I ask him.

“Exhilarating,” he replies dryly and then grins when I laugh.

“You need to be a little more daring sometimes,” I inform him. 

“And
you
, as previously stated, need to be a little more cautious sometimes,” James responds, turning around to face me with a telling look.

I send him a mock glare.  “You won’t have any fun unless you’re a little daring or crazy.”

“And you won’t live very long either,” he replies.  “In some cases.” 

I roll my eyes with a laugh, walking to the other side of the room and sitting down with my back against some boxes.  I pull open my bag, searching around until I find a sweater, pulling it out and slipping it on.  James sits down by his backpack a few feet away and continues to eat his apple.  I don’t know what time it is and wonder, briefly, if James brought a watch, but then dismiss the thought; considering how quickly he packed, I doubt it.  I ask him anyway, but he admits he didn’t bring one.  We sit in silence for a few minutes, listening to the sounds of the train around us, oddly comforting and secure. 

“Pen?” He asks after awhile, and I turn to face him.  He seems almost startled when our eyes meet, as if hesitating over his next words.  “Do you believe in God?”  The words are rushed.

I open my mouth, surprised, not sure at all what to say.  The question is out of the blue and seems unnatural coming from James’s lips. 

“I just...you always wear that necklace,” he adds quickly in explanation, gesturing to the cross around my neck.

“Oh,” I say in realization, my hand instinctively reaching up to touch the cool metal against my skill.  “I...” I trail off and shrug.  “I guess I do...” I tell him, surprising myself in the process as I realize the words
must
be true in order for me to even say them.  I was never really sure whether I believed or just told myself I did.  “It was from my parents,” I add.  “The cross.  It’s the reason I’ve kept it all these years.” 

James nods, looking away as if glad to know the answer, but embarrassed for asking all the same.

“Do you?” I ask, never wondering before now. 

“Yeah.”  He nods.  “I do.” 

I watch him for a second, wondering how this had never come up before.  I had always known Jed had some spiritual beliefs and most likely James as well, but I had never ventured to ask them about it.  I guess I had always viewed our relationship as a business one and only too late am I realizing that it was more. 

“How does that work?” I ask after a pause.  “Magic and God.  Don’t they kind of clash?” 

James looks thoughtful for a moment before shrugging.  “Depends on what you think magic is.”  He pauses.  “It’s just a word, Pen.”

I nod and shrug.  “I guess.” 

James watches me, his blue eyes piercing mine as if trying to read my thoughts; to understand and discern them.  “What I mean to say, I guess, is that I believe good things happen.  I believe God gives us good things in our lives.  Some people call it miracles, others magic, others luck.  They’re all just words, but they all seem to mean the same thing.”  He stops again.  “It’s just how you look at it.  Perceive it.”           

I’m silent while James’s words disappear into the air around us.  I wonder how many good things James has seen in his life.  His father, his home, a family, love.  I think of the orphanage, the gray and white hues and diminished hope in a world so full of the selfish and I wonder if good things really do happen, or if it’s just a saying told by happy people.

But then I think of the last few months.  The beautifully twisted circumstances that brought me here.  With Jed.  With James.  I think of laughing over the dinner table, long talks with James about anything and everything, Jed going on in excitement about his science or some new robot marionette.  Something good.  Some little light flashed through my life to show me what a family feels like; a real family.  I feel tears prickle the corners of my eyes; happy because I had this chance and devastated because it’s been thrown away before I even had the chance to realize what it truly was. 

I look up to see James watching me intently and I realize I’ve been silent for awhile.  I blink back the tears, suddenly feeling brave; like anything that might have held us back before doesn’t exist.  That these circumstances bring excuses to just talk; to just be.

“Why
did
you agree to Dad’s experiments?” James asks quietly, not in any accusatory way, but just in curiosity. 

My throat suddenly closes up and I look away.  “I didn’t like the orphanage,” I answer.  “And...” I trail off.  “I’m an orphan, James.  Being adopted is...something I’ve always wanted,” I say, ignoring the part about stealing, even though it blares through my mind like a neon sign. 

He nods slowly, as if regretting bringing the subject up.  But he continues.  “I know.  But this experiment of Jed’s...it’s more than just...”  He shakes his head.  “You could have presumably been throwing your whole life away...but you agreed.” 

I take in a shuddering breath, forcing a smile on my face.  “I was just tired of the orphanage and ready to leave.”  By the look on James’s face I can tell he isn’t buying it, but I keep talking before he can say a word.  “You both seemed nice and...”

“Pen,” James interrupts me.  “You only had two years left.  Two years.”  His look is pointed and for some reason I can’t seem to tear my gaze away.  “I...” my voice trails off, realizing I have no more truths to hedge around with, anything else I utter would be a lie.

“I really was...”
nothing. 
I groan.  “You wouldn’t want to know,” I say instead, turning away from him and pretending to busy myself with reading the labels on the boxes around us. 

“Why would you think that?”  James almost sounds hurt.  “You think I would view you differently or something?”

“Yes,” I state simply.

“But why...”

“Because you’re practically
perfect
, James,” I snap, shocked as the words sound harsher than I had ever intended them to.  His expression falters, but only momentarily.  “You’ve never done anything wrong or bad, you...” I stop, realizing how whiny I sound.  I stare down at my lap, not sure what to say.  The silence is nearly deafening, although the noise from the train cars continues around us. 

“It wouldn’t have been two years,” I say after awhile.  “It would have been seven.”  James’s eyebrows furrow together in confusion, but before he has a chance to ask why, I continue.  “I wasn’t exactly honest and...I stole some things.  A lot of things, actually.”  James is silent and I’m not sure whether it’s a respectful one or if he’s disappointed.  “And it wasn’t just once...it was all the time.”  I don’t risk glancing up from my lap to James’s eyes.  “What it boils down to is if I wasn’t adopted the orphanage was going to make me stay on for five years after I turned eighteen to pay for the damages...financial ones and reputation-wise as well.  And before you say anything, I
know
I should’ve dealt with it and been mature but I needed to start over – I needed someplace where know one knew me as...
that girl
.  And Jed was that chance.”

After a long pause I venture to look up and meet James’s gaze, surprised to see a tiny smile in his eyes. 

“You’re laughing at me,” I state, not sure whether to be relieved or angry. 

He shakes his head.  “I’m not laughing at you; I’m just surprised you’d think I would change my mind about you.”  His smile moves from his eyes to cover his whole face.  “Pen, your past is your past,” he says.  “And I’m not here to lecture you about it...but I’m glad you told me.”

I nod, surprised at how relieved I am. 

“You know,” James adds.  “I don’t think Dad would mind either,” he tells me.  “Sure he was mad about the whole incident but that’s only because he cares.  I mean really, his science and I – and you – are his whole life.”

I look up.  “Me?” I ask hollowly, my heart beginning to beat a little faster.

James must read the confusion in my eyes because he laughs.  “Yes.  Don’t you know how much he loves you?” 

My heart nearly drops and my face must show my confusion like paint on a canvas because James’s begins to mirror it.  I wonder briefly if that’s a side effect of Jed’s anti-lie procedure; that I can’t lie with my expressions either.  “I thought I was just his experiment...” I say, wondering if James’s words are really true.  Does Jed really care for me? 
Love
me? 

“At first you were,” he replies.  “But Pen, you’re like his daughter now.  Don’t you feel like it?” 
Daughter...
  My mind seems to stop.     

I shrug and open my mouth to say that I don’t, that I’ve always been just his marionette, his experiment; that it was all a deal, but the words fizzle and burn in my throat, bringing my hand to my neck in shock.  James watches me closely.  “I guess I do,” I reply quietly. 

We sit in silence for a few moments, each of us lost in thought, the train rattling around us. 

“I’m glad you came,” I say after a few minutes. 

James grins at me.  “And I’m glad you let me.” 

I laugh.  “You would’ve come anyway.”

He shrugs and nods guiltily and just then it occurs to me how much I like having him around.  How much his company means to me; his smile, his voice.  How much I would have missed him if I had insisted on going alone.  I play aimlessly with the frayed pieces of my sweater, thinking about Jed and James, the circumstances I’ve encountered, my former life and my present life.  And what the future one holds. 

15

––––––––

I
wake up on cold, hard flooring, the air around me stiff and chilly.  The smell of metal and rust enters my nose and for some reason, the area around me sounds still and silent.  I blink a few times, trying to figure out where I am and with a jolt I remember I’m on the train.

“Pen?”

I look up to see that it’s James who woke me up, his hand on my shoulder, gently shaking me awake.

“The train’s stopped,” he whispers and I sit up quickly.  Blood rushes from my head as James pulls me to my feet and we look around.  James walks over to press his ear against the metal door and I follow him, blinking and trying to fully wake myself up.  Suddenly I hear voices and my heart rate quickens.  Far away voices, but urgent.

I hurry back to our bags, shoving the sweaters we had used as pillows back inside and zipping everything up.  I look around the train car.  There’s only one door and the voices are getting louder.  I look up; the hatch is our only way out.  James is fiddling with the latch on the door, silently trying to jam it.

I hear the voices grow disturbingly noisy and James hurries over to grab his backpack.  Suddenly, the door squeals as metal grinds on metal and the people on the other side try to drag it open.

James pushes me toward the ladder and I climb as fast as I can, opening the hatch just in time to see an administrator poke his head through the door.  He shouts and pulls it open the rest of the way with a groan while James and I slip out onto the roof.  I slam the hatch shut and look out across the endless line of train cars.  My heart hammers in my chest as I hear someone fiddling with the hatch at our feet.

That’s when I notice the administrators on the ground below us.  Suddenly I feel something large and strong grab my ankle and with a yelp of surprise, I’m yanked to my hands and knees, my leg searing as it hits the metal roof.  I cling to the rungs on the top of the cart while the administrator below me pulls with all his might.  James scrambles over, grabbing my hands as I begin to slip down the side and with a shout of frustration, I kick backwards, feeling the pressure on my ankle instantly release.  James helps me clamber to my feet just as the hatch is flown open, and then we turn and run. 

The rungs on top of the train make stepping harder than normal; I almost trip in my haste to get away from the administrator behind us.  The end of the car comes up ahead and without hesitation, I jump, spanning the five foot gap between cars in a matter of seconds.  James is at my side in an instant and we continue on, sprinting over the uneven rooftop.  I can hear the sound of the administrator trying to catch up behind us, and I see more on the ground beside us, running along.  Panic courses through me and I wonder how many people they have, if they have guns; if they’ll use them.  I hear a car far off and I silently pray that we’ll get away alive. 

I think of Jed’s face when he’ll find out we’ve been captured.  James being held because of his association with me.  I think of a cold cell, a cold bed; colder and darker than the orphanage, and adrenaline pumps through my veins as I run faster.