Pursued (8 page)

But though her mind obviously rejected any kind of sexual physical contact, the same couldn’t be said of her body. Even now, Merrick could smell the warm, feminine scent of her desire drifting across the narrow divide between their chairs. When he’d talked about tasting her, her cheeks had gotten flushed and her breath had come short and erratic. Elise might not know it, but her body was hungry for something her mind wasn’t even willing to contemplate.

And Merrick wanted to be the one to give it to her.

“I’m very glad to see you looking so well, Elise.” Sylvan, the blond Kindred doctor who had overseen her recovery, smiled at her warmly. But Elise couldn’t help thinking there was a worried look in his pale blue eyes.

“Thank you,” she said, shifting slightly on the exam table. “And thank you for sending Merrick back for me. I, um, understand that I might still be ill?”

“I’m afraid so.” The worried look in the doctor’s eyes intensified. “In a way, anyway.”

“
What
fucking way?” Merrick sounded impatient. He was standing behind her, not quite touching her but close enough that Elise could feel the heat of his big body against her back. It was both a comforting and somehow unnerving sensation. Ever since their conversation aboard his ship she was award of strange, new feelings toward him. Feelings she’d never expected to have for any man. Not since…

No, put it in the vault.
She pictured the familiar old-timey bank-vault door closing tightly and the tumblers falling into place with a definite
click
. There. Much better. Except… it worried her that it was no longer so easy to dismiss or hide her darker thoughts and memories. More and more often they seemed to be slipping through the once-impenetrable barrier she’d built in her mind and coming to the surface, like the corpses of murder victims floating to the top of a clouded, murky lake. Still, there was nothing she could do but keep suppressing them, keep putting them back in the vault when they escaped.

“…has to do with your being in stasis for an extended time with no breaks,” Sylvan said and Elise realized he was talking to her and she’d missed the first part of his statement.

“I’m sorry, what?” she asked uncertainly.

“It’s called the
hunger
,” Sylvan said. “And it’s part of stasis sickness. You see, when you’re in stasis too long without a break, your soul’s link to your physical body can become weak and tenuous—”

“Excuse me,” she interrupted him. “Your
soul?
Do Kindred believe in that? I mean, because we humans aren’t really sure such a thing even exists.”

“The soul or spirit is a very real part of you,” the Kindred doctor said seriously. “It’s what allows you to bond to another person and it’s the basis of the male/female bond between a Kindred warrior and his mate. Oh, yes, we
definitely
believe in it.”

“All right.” She nodded skeptically. “So you’re saying my soul detached from my body?”

“Almost,” Sylvan said. “It was in the process of detaching both times you were awakened from stasis. The first time, Merrick put you back into the stasis tube just in time. The second time, he picked you up and held you.”

“Damn right I did,” Merrick growled. “It was what she needed—I could tell.”

“You’re right,” Sylvan said seriously. “If you hadn’t picked Elise up just at that time, her soul might have detached completely and she would have died. Her body wasn’t strong enough to hold it here in the physical realm.” He sighed. “Unfortunately, although you saved her life, your actions have certain…side effects.”

“Side effects? What do you mean?” Elise asked.

“The long time in stasis had weakened you physically and spiritually—your soul was lost, seeking an anchor,” Sylvan began, obviously choosing his words carefully. “When Merrick picked you up, your soul found him and clung to him, forming an artificial bond—one that wouldn’t naturally occur between the two of you.”

A cold dread crept over Elise’s heart. “An
artificial bond?
What exactly does that mean?”

Sylvan frowned. “Your soul has put down roots into Merrick’s, causing an instant reciprocal relationship to develop. You
need
to be near him—need to touch him in order to stay healthy and well. You crave his presence and physical contact with him—which is the basis of the
hunger
I told you about. Merrick, in turn, can sense your well-being or illness through the artificial link between you. He feels your distress and it forces him to come to you and try to ease your pain.”

“So…” Elise swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. “So you’re saying that everything I’ve been feeling, all these emotions I’ve been having for Merrick and all the feelings he’s been having for me…they’re all
fake?
Just a part of this…this artificial bond we somehow formed?”

The Kindred doctor gave her a sympathetic look. “I’m afraid so.”

“Bullshit!” Merrick burst out angrily. “I don’t accept that, Sylvan—it has to be bullshit.”

“I’m sorry, old friend.” Sylvan reached out and put a hand on Merrick’s shoulder. “I can tell you feel strongly for Elise. But you have to remember that those emotions are artificially created. The instant connection between the two of you isn’t a real connection at all and I’m afraid it’s not good for you either.”

“What the hell do you mean by that?” Merrick demanded, shrugging Sylvan’s hand off his arm.

Sylvan withdrew and crossed his arms over his broad chest. “I mean, it’s not natural or healthy for either one of you to be so interdependent. An improper bonding can result in soul sickness for a Kindred male, especially in hybrids like yourself, Merrick. And Elise can’t go on being completely physically dependent on you for the rest of her life—getting sick when she’s separated from you for too long.” He shook his head. “That’s no way for her to live.”

Yes it is! It’s the only way I want to live,
Elise wanted to shout. But fear and misery made her hold her tongue. If Sylvan was right—and she had no reason to think he wasn’t—all the affection and need she felt for Merrick was false. And even worse, the feelings he had for her…they were fake too.

I should have known it was too good to be true,
she thought, blinking back tears.
Should have known I could never feel so strongly and so quickly for a man—any man—without a reason.
And yet, even knowing that the bond between them was fake, it still felt good—better than anything she’d ever had with anyone else, including James—and she didn’t want to lose it.

“I…I still don’t understand,” she said in a choked voice. “How can a bond—which you said yourself happens between Kindred and their wives—how can it be so bad?”

Sylvan sighed. “It’s not the fact that you’re bonded but the nature and placement of the bond that’s bad. Think of it like this—a normal pregnancy is a wonderful thing—a beautiful, miraculous gift of the Goddess that brings joy to everyone. That’s like a good, solid, naturally-formed soul bond between a Kindred and his mate.”

“Right," Elise said, nodding. "And?”

“But what happens if the pregnancy is ectopic?” Sylvan continued. “If the fertilized egg implants itself somewhere other than the womb? The baby that grows from such an egg can’t survive—it will die without the proper nourishment from its mother’s womb. And it will likely kill her in the process.” He looked at Elise. “Do you see now?”

“Yes,” she whispered. Sylvan’s analogy made a terrible kind of sense.
I’m like a tumor,
she thought, feeling ill.
An infection inside Merrick. I’m making him sick—hurting him just by being near him.
“Yes, it’s clearer now. Thank you.”

“I still don’t believe it. This is completely fucked up,” Merrick growled angrily.

“I’m sorry,” Sylvan said quietly. He sounded genuinely distressed—the tone of a good doctor who hated giving bad news. “Truly sorry to have to tell you both this.”

Elise felt like she was falling apart. Everything she felt, everything she’d thought she knew to be true was suddenly a lie. A falsehood. A fake. She wanted to cry, wanted to find comfort in Merrick’s strong arms. He would hold her, soothe her. Make her feel better. She started to turn to him…and stopped herself.
No, I can’t. Can’t impose on him anymore. What we feel isn’t real and if what Sylvan said was true, it might even be hurting him. I have to stay away. Have to keep my distance.

“Elise…baby…” Merrick said softly and she knew he felt her pain. The compassion and yearning in his tone almost melted her…but somehow Elise stood strong.

“I’m all right,” she said, dashing tears out of her eyes quickly with the back of her hand. “I’ll be all right, Merrick. Both of us will—we have to.”

“No we fucking don’t,” he protested. “I don’t care how the bond was formed—it’s
there
. We both feel it.”

“What we feel is a lie,” Elise said, more sharply than she’d intended. “I…I’m sorry.” Taking a deep breath, she looked at Sylvan. “What can we do about this? I mean, what’s the treatment?”

“There
is
no treatment,” Merrick snarled. “A soul bond is forever.”

“Not necessarily,” Sylvan said. “Not when it’s artificially created.”

“What are you saying?” Merrick demanded. “You’re saying we should end it? Break it—just like that? You’re telling me to rip out the roots Elise has put down in me like I’m weeding a fucking garden?”

Elise shivered at the idea. It sounded extremely painful—like pulling a tooth with no Novocain.

“I’m afraid it isn’t going to be quite so simple as that, Merrick,” Sylvan said. “A soul bond, even an artificial one, is very difficult to break or remove. However, I’ve been doing some research and
because
your bond is artificial, it should be possible to dissolve the roots, hopefully painlessly, and separate the two of you.”

“How do you do that?” Elise asked. “Is there some kind of soul-medicine you use or something?”

“Nothing that I have on hand,” the Kindred doctor said. “But there is a substance that will work. The berries of the
skrillix
plant which grows only on Rageron can be used to make a compound which does the trick.”

“What, you mean the
pain vine?”
Merrick sounded incredulous. “The one that grows only in the inner jungle? The plant that’s sacred to the Ancient Ones—that they guard with their fucking
lives?”

“I’m afraid so.” Sylvan shifted uncomfortably. “A branch of the vine must be plucked by your own hand—yours or Elise's anyway—and brought back to be placed in the same stasis chamber Elise was held in. Once we hold it in stasis for awhile, it can be taken out and the berries will make a compound which dissolves the artificial bond between the two of you.” He shook his head. “Only then will you be free of each other.”

“What if I don’t
want
to be fucking free?” Merrick demanded belligerently. “What if I like things the way they are just fine?”

Sylvan looked at Elise. “Will you excuse us for a minute?”

“Certainly,” she said, feeling numb. She slid off the exam table and stumbled, nearly going to her knees. The only thing that saved her was Merrick—his strong hand under her arm held her up, keeping her from collapsing in a heap on the floor.

Even that brief skin-to-skin touch on her bare arm seemed to strengthen her but Elise knew it was wrong. Though it hurt her heart to do so, she shook off his hand and stood on her own.

“Elise…” Merrick’s face was stiff, immobile—but she could hear the hurt in his deep voice. Somehow she forced herself to ignore it.

“Thanks, but I’m fine,” she said, nodding stiffly. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to step outside for a minute.” Keeping her chin high and her back straight, she walked out of the exam room, shutting the door quietly behind her.

The med station around her was a hive of activity with nurses and doctors buzzing quietly but briskly about their tasks. There were several other exam rooms arranged in a circle around the central area which was filled with counters and equipment but the doors were shut, indicating that they were occupied.

Elise looked around desperately. She just needed to find a quiet spot to herself for a moment. A spot to break down and cry—to mourn the impending loss she felt to the bottom of her soul. And yes, now she believed she had one because it ached—ached so deeply she thought she might die of the pain.

Finally she spied an empty room—a supply closet filled with fresh sheets, gowns, and cleaning supplies—and slipped into it as quietly and unobtrusively as she could. Then the strength she’d forced herself to feel suddenly gave out and she sank to the floor with her head in her hands.

“Merrick…” she whispered. “Oh, Merrick, I’m so sorry…”

* * * * *

“Merrick, listen to me—you
have
to dissolve this bond! It’s not healthy for Elise and it’s Goddess-damned dangerous for you as well.”

“I don’t care,” Merrick said stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’ve never felt this way for a female before, Sylvan. I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to lose
her.
”

“And what if you die of soul sickness from an improperly attached bond?” Sylvan asked harshly. “What do you think will happen to Elise then? Without your touch, she’ll sicken and die too, Merrick. She’s dependent on you—
too
dependent. A Kindred male and his mate can survive the death of the other—they may not want to live, but they
can
physically continue. The way you and Elise are linked, your death would mean hers too. It’s not right or fair to tie her to you in such a permanent, terminal way.”

Merrick let out a deep breath as reality set in. “I…I guess you’re right. I wasn’t thinking of it like that.”

“I know how you were thinking, old friend.” Sylvan’s voice was filled with compassion. “I feel the same thing for Sophia. I love her so much I’d rather die than be without her. But if I knew being with her might hurt her—if I knew my death would cause hers as well…”