Push (11 page)

“I’m not done,” I cut them off as I stalk forward, going on the offensive. “A sacrifice needs to be made to satisfy your twisted reasoning? Fine, then it’ll be made.”

The Committee just sits there, three silent judges, waiting for me to get it wrong, waiting for an excuse to either kill me or cut out my heart by killing Jackson.

“The one responsible for the whole debacle gets cut from the team. One of
you
gets terminated,” I say. “You’re the all-knowing, all-seeing ones.
You
should have stepped in in Detroit. Should have pulled us before Jackson and I needed to make the choice we did. This is all about responsibility? All about laying blame? Then it’s on
you
.”

I talk faster, my arguments shaping themselves to a honed point. “You’re the collective consciousness, right? That means everything you know is known by the others. So one of you is way more expendable than Jackson or me.” I take a quick breath and shoot for the kill. “And if you could fight this war without us, you’d be doing exactly that. You’d have won it the first time, back on your own home world.”

I’m being cruel. I don’t care. They don’t get to do this. I had no control, no say when I got pushed into this game, pushed into living this crazy double life. I had no choice when Sofu died.
If he makes it through the night, his chances improve.
He didn’t. He died. I never got to say good-bye. I had no say when Mom died.
We’ll know more after the biopsy.
Yeah, we knew more. We knew she had no chance.

But Jackson and I have a chance, and this time, I intend to have a say.

I stand before them, chest heaving like I’ve had the roughest workout of my life. I expect their rage. I’m ready for it.

What I get is their laughter, the sound of warmth and light rushing through my veins, dancing in my limbs.

“Well done, Miki Jones. Your arguments have merit.”

I stare at them, incredulous. “This was some kind of test?” I don’t even bother to try to keep the derision from my tone.

“Of a sort. We needed to assess essential leadership skills, your ability to think quickly, make rapid decisions in the face of imminent danger.”

Like the decisions I’ve made in the game weren’t rapid and tinged by danger.

“We needed to complete the puzzle.”

The burn of resentment is powerful and fierce. I really thought they would kill me. Kill Jackson.

“The puzzle,” I echo. An image of Sofu’s collection of Japanese puzzle boxes flashes through my thoughts—boxes that could only be opened by an obscure series of manipulations. Sometimes the solution was as simple as a touch here and another there. Sometimes it was a complicated series of movements of tiny parts. With the right influence, the box would reveal its secrets. Kind of like the Committee, the game, the rules. The only way to get information is to touch the right spot, ask the right question in just the right way. But they aren’t talking about themselves or the game or the rules; they’re saying I’m the puzzle. So what secret was the Committee trying to get me to reveal?

“This was all an elaborate scenario to see how fast I think under pressure? To assess my leadership skills?” I pause, trying to follow the tangled threads of their logic. A horrible idea pops into my head. “Was this your way of confirming my suitability as Jackson’s replacement before you release him from the game?”

“No.”

I process that for a second. “You never meant to let him go, did you?” I don’t even try to hide my bitterness. I’m starting to see the Committee in a glaring new light, and it’s anything but flattering. “You used him to bring me in, then reneged on your promise.”

“He could have chosen to leave. He had only to pay the price.”

“He did. He brought me into the game. That was the price, the trade.” Wasn’t it? I remember Jackson’s words echoing in my thoughts:
You’ve taken enough. You don’t get to take this from me.
“What were you trying to take from him?”

“Memories.”

“Of the game.” That made sense. If he wasn’t part of it anymore, they wouldn’t want him to remember. “Why would Jackson fight so hard against you taking those memories? He hates the game. Why would he want to remember it?”

“Because in forfeiting his memories of the game, he would also forfeit his memories of you.”

I gasp.

“He refused his freedom because of me?” I don’t want that responsibility. But I also don’t want to imagine him forgetting me, forgetting
us
, forgetting sharing lunch at the top of the bleachers, matching wits . . . kissing. I don’t want him to forget loving me, even though remembering cost him his freedom. What kind of person does that make me?

“So what now? What happens to him? What happens to me?”

“We resume.”

Resume the game. Resume our lives.

“This was all a setup.” I shake my head, barely able to grasp that. “You kept Jackson here, made me think his life was in danger, made me think I had to choose between his life or mine, for a test?” I’m about to say that what they did wasn’t
fair
, but even thinking the word makes me want to roll my eyes at myself. Life is unfair. Cliché of the first degree and oh-so-true. “That’s twisted. It’s sick.”

“It is effective. And it was more than a test. Jackson Tate defied the rule. He must not do so again. It
will
mean his termination. We are confident he understands that now.”

I shiver, the agony of his cries fresh in my thoughts. “So he’s still part of the game?”

“Yes. In keeping his memories, he made that choice.”

Which means my freedom was sacrificed for nothing. He didn’t get what he wanted in the end. He didn’t make it out.

“And what about me? If he’s staying, do I get to leave?”

“The war continues. The Drau threat remains unchanged. But under the terms of our agreement with Jackson Tate, you are free to go because he chooses to stay.”

I didn’t expect that answer. I thought they’d say no. It takes me a second to readjust my thinking. I was Jackson’s ticket out, and now he’s mine.

I didn’t think I’d be able to consign anyone to the game in order to win my freedom, and now I’m faced with exactly that choice. But not just
anyone
. Jackson.

Except I’m not consigning him to anything. He’s already made his decision.

I’m the one who has to make mine.

I press my lips together. I feel like I’m a hamster on a wheel, running, running, getting nowhere. Running because I’m too foolish to stop, to make a choice other than the obvious one. “What happens if I take the free pass? Do I go back to the moment when the truck hit me? Do I die?”

“You return to your original life.”

Because Jackson’s still in the game, so I don’t have to be. I get to leave.

Or do I? Can I trust the Committee? A day ago, I would have said yes. Now, I’m not so sure.

I run through everything that’s been said since I first got here, and my own words flicker neon bright in my thoughts:
I wouldn’t have been brought into the game if I wasn’t important. . . . The war needs me.

This is about more than just me.

Everyone on this planet could die at the hands of the Drau.

From everything I’ve seen on the missions, from what the Committee’s told me and what I’ve figured out on my own, every soldier matters. Every team leader matters. There are few of us and so many of them.

Where’s my honor if I walk away from that? I can almost feel Sofu standing beside me right now. He used to talk about Bushido: the way of the warrior. Loyalty. Honor unto death. I know he would have stayed in the game and fought to the bitter end. He would have defended our world until the last Drau was either dead or chased off with its tail between its legs.

I stare at the Committee, torn. No matter how pissed I am at them, no matter how shaken my trust, I have to decide with a clear head.

A clear heart.

And the worst thing is, I sort of get them. Maybe I don’t like all their methods, but in relative terms, they’re still the good guys, the ones trying to save the world. I take a breath.

“I’m in,” I say. In it until I see it through.

The form in the middle inclines its head in a spare nod and then without another word, they fade away like they’d never been here at all.

“Wait,” I cry. “Did they all make it back okay from the latest mission? The kids on the other team? The girl that helped me?”

I stand there for so long that I think they’ve forgotten me. And then I feel their answer in my skull, in my bones.
We sent no other team. There was no girl. You saved yourself, Miki Jones.

But I didn’t.

I WAKE UP TO LIGHT STREAMING THROUGH MY WINDOW, HITTING me in the face.

“Miki?” My door creaks as Dad pushes it open an inch. “Okay to come in?”

“Um . . .” I look down to find I’m lying on top of my covers, fully dressed. “Yeah. All clear.”

He stands in the doorway, frowning as he studies me. “Everything okay? You were sleeping when I got home from work yesterday. I tried to wake you for dinner but you grabbed my sweater and threw an uppercut at my face.”

I sit bolt upright. “I didn’t.”

He rubs his jaw. “Yeah, you did. See the bruise?” He drops his hand. “Must have been some dream, huh?”

“Must have been.” I stand up and peer at his jaw. “Dad, seriously, please tell me I didn’t hit you.”

“You didn’t hit me.” He smiles. A real smile that reaches his eyes, just like it used to when Mom was still here. I can’t help but smile back. “Well . . . not too hard, anyway.”

I grab a pillow and toss it at him. “Dad! That’s not funny.”

“You didn’t hit me, Miki. You just mumbled something about some game and rolled over. You slept”—he glances at his watch—“for sixteen hours.”

I scrub my hand over my face. “It’s . . . Saturday?”

“Ten a.m. Saturday morning.” Dad walks over and rests his hand on my forehead. Sometimes I think he just needs to touch me, sort of reassuring himself that I’m not gone, like Mom. “You don’t feel warm.”

“I’m not sick, Dad. I think I was just really tired.” I respawned yesterday on my front porch in exactly the spot I was in when I got pulled. I didn’t get to see Jackson. Didn’t get to talk to him. My gaze slides to my phone. I want to check for a message from him, but I don’t want to do it with Dad here.

“Still tired?” he asks.

I laugh. “Not even slightly. I’m a ball of energy.” Then I crack my jaw on an enormous yawn.

“So I see.” He pauses. “I’m going grocery shopping. Do you want to come along?”

There have been moments lately when I wished Dad would reach out, sit down with me, and just talk. This isn’t one of them.

I make a vague gesture at my backpack. “Tons of homework.” Not a lie. I’m way behind on that English essay for Mr. Shomper.

Dad looks like he’s going to say something more, but then he just nods and goes. I hear his footsteps on the stairs, and the sound of the front door closing.

I snatch my phone. A ton of texts. Three voice mails from Carly, one at 8:09 last night, another at 10:06, and a third from 9:30 this morning. One text from Dee. One from Luka. Nothing from Jackson. My heart sinks until I realize that there’s a good chance he did the same thing I did—crashed for sixteen hours. He might even still be asleep.

I play the first message from Carly.

“Done with the family meal from hell. Where are you?”

My stomach clenches. I completely forgot I told her to come over after dinner last night. I exhale and press my forehead to my balled fist as I play her second message.

“’Kay. Guess you ditched me. Again. Whatever.”

I don’t want to play her final message, the one from this morning, but I do anyway because I need to know just how pissed she is before I call her back and grovel.

“
Just came by and spoke to your dad. He told me you fell asleep as soon as you got in last night. I guess that panic attack yesterday really did a number. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him about it. And sorry I got so mad. Hope you’re feeling better. Oh, and I left a skinny latte with your dad. It’s probably cold now but you can nuke it. I’m at work from ten till two. Junior class then the private lesson for the trouble twins, then me and Kelley are lifeguarding a birthday party. Call you after.”

I’m slammed by both relief and guilt. Relief that Carly’s not mad and, if I’m honest, that I don’t have to deal with her this morning.

What happened to the endless hours we used to share when we could do anything and everything and just be happy to be together?

That’s where the guilt comes in. I hate feeling that way about my best friend. I hate knowing it’s way more my fault than hers. Maybe I don’t deserve her easy forgiveness. I should have remembered to call her before I crashed. If this is my life now, the two worlds I jump between, then I need to learn to balance them both.

It’s on me, not Carly. I’m the one lying and hiding shit. I need to get my head together.

“Self-pity party, much?” I mutter, not very happy with myself right now.

I check my other messages. Nothing important. And nothing from Jackson.

I try Luka—first a text, then a call, but I can’t reach him.

After a quick shower, I head down to the kitchen. There’s a bowl on the table with about a quarter inch of milk at the bottom, a half-full mug of coffee, and an empty beer bottle.

I think back to that instant when Dad laid his hand on my forehead. Did I smell beer? I don’t know.

I turn to the counter and see five more.

For a second, I’m blindingly furious at Dad. Then that anger turns on myself. The gray fog that’s slunk after me like a shadow for the past two years creeps out from whatever hole it was hiding in. I feel like two hands that are ten times normal size are pressing on my ribs, stealing my breath. The voice of condemnation shrieks and roars, blaming me for things that were never my fault, demanding that I blame myself.

But I’m not the girl I was two years ago. I push through the fog, bury it, and snatch the bottle off the table.

It’s time for me to stop feeling like I can fix whatever’s wrong with him, time for me to stop taking his choices on my shoulders. He’s an adult. He’s choosing to drink; he’s choosing not to get help and stop.